He won't commit... what to do?

mspink

I dunno what to do about this guy and I need advice, especially from guys. I've known him for 2 years now, it started off with just the odd kiss on nights out, then we started chatting every day, we've been on "dates" to the cinema, dinner, bowling etc. I really began to like this guy but after a loong time of this I had to ask him what was going on with us and he told me he wasn't ready for another relationship after a bad breakup. I stayed in contact with him but it got harder and harder as I fell more for him the more in contact we were so I told him I couldn't do it anymore and if he didn't want anything with me he should walk away and let me move on.

We go 2 weeks without contact and he's back contacting me all the time again and because I miss him I respond. I fool myself into thinking I'll keep emotionally distanced from him this time and be able to be so involved, but obviously that doesn't work and I have to say something again. This has happened numerous times now. He completely shuts down anytime I try to bring the subject of us up, I don't know what to do I'm at my wits end. I love him and I know he must have feelings for me since he won't walk away and let me go either. Any advice guys on what I can do?

laura l

mspink wrote: »

he told me he wasn't ready for another relationship after a bad breakup.

there you have it. he's told you up front he doesn't want a committed relationship. you are obviously interested in him and there for him when he needs your company etc.
if his ex wanted him back in the morning would he get back with her?
i appreciate it's hard when you have strong feelings for somebody and they appear not to be reciprocated back in the same way..i think you should focus more on meeting up with other people etc right now instead of putting all your energy into this guy(no matter how gorgeous and charismatic he is!)...noone wants to be the rebound person. i know easier said than done. hope it works out ok.

minidazzler

You are his good time gal.

If you don't want that and want commitment, well, you're not gonna get it off him.

Don't tell him why, just stop contacting him, and don't respond to his texts, don't answer his calls.

Ignore him. If he wants you then he will come for you then give him an ultimatum, all or nothing. AND STICK TO IT!!!

kjl

Hate to break it to you love, but you're being played. No guy take more then a few weeks to get over a break up. Sounds to me like he is just using you for sex. He is making a serious power play by not even attempting to discuss with you anything regarding your relationship. In his mind he completly controls you and that could be a reason why you are attracted to him.

You can argue with me and say that he is the exception but its probably isn't true. You have three choices to make, one you can play along with his game and continue in the relationship you have now. He is most likely faithful to you, he just doesn't want the label, or you could make him jealous by introducing a new guy into the picture, get a real guy, don't try to fake it. Or you could just dump him, cut off the sex completely, see if he tries to get you back again.

As I say with most of my harsh posts, I could be completely wrong, but I would look out for it in his character, have you met his friends? does he go out on nights out without you? Do you ever call him and have it go to voicemail?

opinion guy

kjl wrote: »

.......No guy take more then a few weeks to get over a break up........

That's a nice sweeping generalisation. I'm a guy who takes longer than that to get over someone.


BUT - I agree with what the others say. Its ultimatum time cause other wise you are just being used (whether it be deliberate or unintentional on his part is a whole other question).

Wibbs

kjl wrote: »

No guy take more then a few weeks to get over a break up.

While I agree with much of your post I like opinion guy completely disagree with this. I've known men to go years before they did. Actually I know more men who took a long time to get over a relationship than women. It also depends on the relationship. Some two week fling, yes fine, but anything more substantial? Any man who gets over a substantial emotionally important relationship in a matter of weeks I would say wasnt invested in it much at all.

That said it's been two years since his "bad breakup". That is long enough for the majority of men.

Hate to break it to you love, but you're being played.

This I agree with. He may not be doing it deliberately either. Maybe you were a rebound/intermediate person to get him over the ex or distract him. It's gone on longer than usual, but I've seen people marry classic rebounds(not good) so it happens. But you are enabling his wishy washy behaviour too. By going along with this you're effectively saying "naw it's fine treat me like a part time lover". Your actions are reinforcing his lack of commitment. Hard to turn around at this stage too.

Protect yourself. Cut contact. Tell him why. Don't answer his calls. Go out again with yoru mates and look at other men. Snog a few when you're up for that. The first few you snog you'll probably think ":( its not him" but keep going through that. You have to grieve too. You've lost two years with this guy. It's not wasted either IMHO. You'll have learned not to get too involved with a guy that won't get involved with you.

Good luck.

Oh The Humanity

He doesn't feel the same as you. He is not committing because he has his eyes on another prize, real or imaginary. I know thats harsh, but its whats going on. He will never spell that out to you by the way, because it feels nice for him to have someone around who adores him and is obviously good company.

You are torturing yourself waiting for his lukewarm feelings to turn into real love. You've given it 2 years and that has not happened.

You are better than this. I know you think he is perfect for you but as long as you have him around you can never attract the real deal, a man who feels the same about you as you do.

Its really hard and requires a lot of willpower, but if you want this pain to end you will have to put this guy at a distance and get your mind into a place where you are open to new people.

Best of luck.

Beruthiel

mspink wrote: »

I stayed in contact with him but it got harder and harder as I fell more for him the more in contact we were so I told him I couldn't do it anymore and if he didn't want anything with me he should walk away and let me move on.

But he hasn't and you think that means something, other than being a good time gal like minidazzler said above.
Well it doesn't I'm afraid.

I'm gobsmacked you have allowed this to continue for two whole years.
Cut ALL contact with him today and move on with your life.
You have wasted far too much time on this guy and deserve better.

Pinky Pixie

Hi OP:)

I think we have all been in a situation like that at one point. It's hard but speaking from experience, you need to let him go and find someone who actually likes you enough to get into a relationship with you.

I've had guy I was dating for about two years on an off. When I was ready to have a relationship he wasn't, then when I wasn't he was! I just realised there is really a sea of lovely guys who would kill to go out with you don't waste your time on the no hoper!

If he was really head over heels about you he wouldn't want to share you with any other guy and for that reason he would be with you now. No matter what you do it will be up to him deciding if that's the case.

Miss Fluff

Why would he want to get into a relationship with you when you're providing sex on tap, company if he feels lonely, carte blanche to see other people because you're not actually going out and he gets to avoid the hassle of expectations etc that come with a relationship?

While I don't like cliches, he is having a triple-iced delicious cake and eating every bite. Why wouldn't he? Put it up to him, either he wants to be with you and make a go of things as your boyfriend of not at all. You're only wasting your time on him settling for less as while you continue to scratch every itch he has, you're the one who is losing out hon.