What's up?

LegacyUser

I've got a question that's been bugging me for a while, but I can't quite put my finger on the answer, hoping you guys could help with it. Over the years, I've had a lot of oppourtuinities to get with girls, and have done so now and then- but more often than not, when I know a girl is interested in me, and I'm pretty attracted to her too, I instantly become almost unresponsive or flippant about it!

For example, recently I was asked by a girl '' My friend really likes you, do you want to know who she is? ''. I knew the girl she was talking about, I liked her - but I responded - ''No thanks'' and walked away, it was never talked about again and I never spoke to her again. Currently there's a girl at university who sits beside me in lectures and our tutorial quite often, compliments my art and we talk about music and art, and I was quite happy to talk to her until this interest came over her. Now I'm sort of off-hand with her, even though deep down I actually like her.

I've seen this side of personality before, it comes out quite a lot, when I do something I'm proud of, like a drawing or something I've written, when someone likes/praises it, I suddenly think it's garbage, or brush it off as an easy thing to do. People have said I have 'an artistic temperment', whatever that means!

Sorry, for the length, I'm kind of cringing writing this 'girl trouble' post - but I think it's more than that, I'm kind of worried I have an attitude problem, and I was wondering if anyone's of a similar ilk on here. I don't want to become that person that secretly desires acclaim or love, but despises it when it is given to them.

Thanks for reading and any replies! Feels good to get if off the chest anyways, no matter who incoherent it may seem.

hollis12

bad_attitude wrote: »

I've got a question that's been bugging me for a while, but I can't quite put my finger on the answer, hoping you guys could help with it. Over the years, I've had a lot of oppourtuinities to get with girls, and have done so now and then- but more often than not, when I know a girl is interested in me, and I'm pretty attracted to her too, I instantly become almost unresponsive or flippant about it!

For example, recently I was asked by a girl '' My friend really likes you, do you want to know who she is? ''. I knew the girl she was talking about, I liked her - but I responded - ''No thanks'' and walked away, it was never talked about again and I never spoke to her again. Currently there's a girl at university who sits beside me in lectures and our tutorial quite often, compliments my art and we talk about music and art, and I was quite happy to talk to her until this interest came over her. Now I'm sort of off-hand with her, even though deep down I actually like her.

I've seen this side of personality before, it comes out quite a lot, when I do something I'm proud of, like a drawing or something I've written, when someone likes/praises it, I suddenly think it's garbage, or brush it off as an easy thing to do. People have said I have 'an artistic temperment', whatever that means!

Sorry, for the length, I'm kind of cringing writing this 'girl trouble' post - but I think it's more than that, I'm kind of worried I have an attitude problem, and I was wondering if anyone's of a similar ilk on here. I don't want to become that person that secretly desires acclaim or love, but despises it when it is given to them.

Thanks for reading and any replies! Feels good to get if off the chest anyways, no matter who incoherent it may seem.

would you say you have low self esteem if you dont mind me asking mate, when i was younger i did and i had the same attitude

Scráib

I'd be similar. If a girl expresses interest a lot of the time I lose interest even if I had interest in her before. And like you I can't take compliments well at all. Also the few girls I've been mad into I've had no chance with, it's the "You want what you can't have, you don't want what you can" mentality.

About the best I can suggest would be if you like a girl, and suddenly you find this attitude coming over you do your best to shove it to one side and return the interest. It's not very easy, but if you don't get over it you'll turn down plenty of eligible girls.

ash23

I'm the same. Very self deprecating and get mortified if I get a compliment. I get embarrassed if I think everyone knows something about my personal life.
I have improved as I've gotten older and am a bit happier in myself and therefore able to take compliments without feeling like people are only pulling my leg.
But I still am in the mindset that if I like someone and I get teased about it I immediately clam up and try to act as disinterested as possible because I don't want to be made a fool of and I'm afraid that if I say I like someone and people know then I'll end up humiliated when he inevitably laughs at me or uses me or dumps me :rolleyes:

It's very juvenile and I am working hard to overcome it but it's going against the grain of everything I've thought about myself for years.

Be interested to see if anyone ever overcame this.

hollis12

well im working on overcoming it a came from a nasty background so it takes time but i do see a massive improvement tin myself

Wagon

I'm half like that. I don't turn away a girl if i like her too, but i never bother my arse to go looking and never give a **** or put any effort in to meeting girls if im single. i also have very low self esteem so maybe put it down to that. im like a 40 year old bitter dovorcee when it comes to women folk and im only 22 so the sooner you start working on your self esteem the better.

pisslips

Well, I see a lot of that in my own personality too, maybe it's a common theme in men.

I would say it goes further for me too. I have never experienced real pride in achievement and if I do something right I immediately concentrate on the negatives no matter how small. Furthermore, if I feel or have convinced myself that I'm capable of doing something perfectly, like getting 100% in a test, I'll never try an work towards it, i swear I'd get 99% or 97% which I did all the time when I was young. Nowdays if the benchmark is 70,I'll somehow get 69 or if it's 60,I'll get 59, irrespective of difficulty.It's uncanny.

Women too, I only like women that are hard to get always.Like seeing someone else's girlfriend or you friend's ex. Always trying to impress everyone, always show your wit and your intellegence in a strictly non-chalant way. As if you imagine anybody cares. And then magically somebody does and suddenly you don't.

You hide your weaknesses away from the world but it's your weaknesses that people fall in love with and when someone loves your weakness I guess you have to love them back.
I mean thats what your looking for. Nobody wants someone to fall in love with them because they're strong or successfull.People want lovers to love them.



It's definitely a self-esteem issue.

You have to make a concious effort to let the lamplight throw your nerves like patterns on the ceiling and face the fear, I think.

Living the lie is always temporary.

I'm still a disaster though, you've got to just keep trying.

opinion guy

Op....what are you afraid of ?
Rejection ?

LegacyUser

Scráib wrote: »

I'd be similar. If a girl expresses interest a lot of the time I lose interest even if I had interest in her before. And like you I can't take compliments well at all. Also the few girls I've been mad into I've had no chance with, it's the "You want what you can't have, you don't want what you can" mentality.

Thanks for all the replies lads, I think this was the closest. I'd say I have the same amount of self esteem as anyone else, you know? I just get these ideas that I should always be going against the grain, I do it in nearly everything I ever attempt, and I realised recently it's a really important part of who I am, but by the same token, it's ruining quite a lot of things for me, and I can see it.

Also pisslips, some very wise stuff said there. Deep down I am a very emotionally open person, I suppose I just dont want to show that to everyone, or anyone- I kind of feel like if I showed people how I really feel after all these years they'll think it's put on, or it's weird, you know?

LegacyUser

WOW!! This reads completley like someone I have been dating / recently, She has had definate self esteem issues in the past eating disorders / let herself get treated really badly in a relationship for 4 + years, I tried to help her get over this, comlimented her alot, both on physical things and personality, was just my way of trying to reassure her.

Thing is she is very similar to what you describe above i.e not really taking compliments well, altough she said she liked it i could see she wasn't accepting them (why do ya even like me? shur im a minger etc) and would clam up on alot of things in her personal life to me and others (but i think more so me)

Maybe im wrong but reading your post it seemed to make alot of sense, asa few weeks ago she finally started saying to me that she had feelings for me and liked me (1st time she had said this, well sober anyway) but since she has pulled away totally and basically where to go. It sucks cos I really like her alot, but I ve done all I can so I have decided to back off, she says she wants to befriends, ive told her i want more and can't settle for that. I hope that she gets over this and sees she deserves happiness, its weird cos she is a strong girl in alot of ways, well she gives that impression anyway but looking back this could maybe just be a facade also.

LegacyUser

Well, now that I've seen it's kind of a common problem for a lot of people, I'm going to have a shot and see if I can tweak my attitude a little- maybe it'll work, maybe not, but I'll try anyway.

Thanks a million for all your sharing some personal stuff in your replies, they've really helped.