Is this how the world works?

LegacyUser

Hi
This is going to sound like a bit of a whinge and for that I apologise. Just feeling kind of sorry for myself after saturday night. Was the birthday of an aquaintance so I went down to the pub were they were having a get together. I walked in and went over to the guy whos birthday it was, shook his hand and wished him a happy birthday. I was on my own, which I thought wouldnt make any difference, but it was the first thing this guy noticed and remarked upon, he said are you on your own? I said yeah, why? He just kind of trailed off then. I thought it was a bit odd, but the when I sat down at the table I realised that everybody there was coupled up or with a group of friends. I felt like a spare and after a while I made an excuse and went home. I dont have a girlfriend, which is no problem to me, Im pretty happy on my own. Im an athlete and right now I wouldnt be looking to be with anybody either because my training is going great and Im knocking out some good performances in competitions. But at times like these I realise how out of synch I am with the way people are, social rules etc. I have friends but theyre all going out with girls so come the weekend nobody is around to hangout. Which is what happened on saturday, I asked a couple of friends did they want to go to this birthday party but they were off with the girlfriends. Ive only realised that Im the only single one left. But like I said I dont mind being single. What I do mind is that I feel like just because Im not dating anybody Im slowly being excluded. Im in my 30s now and I really do not feel the need to settle down, give up my sport and start a family, get married or anything like that. I love my freedom but its coming at a price. I wouldnt want to start dating a girl just so I could fit in socially, that would be just using another person and more than a little pathetic.

Anyway I'll cut to the chase: Is this how the world works, if youre not coupled up you get edged out, excluded?

Thanks

minidazzler

Why are having a girlfriend and competing athletically mutually exclusive?

I don't agree with social exclusion based on the fact that you don't have a girlfriend. But yes, that is how the world works.

MizzLolly

Actually, I think you're pretty cool for going on your own. Do you have any idea how many people are hiding behind their screens here, terrified by that very idea?

Fair play to you OP! Do it all at your own pace, enjoy your sports and you'll settle down when you're ready. Don't be pressured by people around you.

Latchy

OP lots of people in your situation are quite happy living the single solo life but the price can be as you explained , feeling excluded and out of synch with your friends and peers. The problem might be that our society expects people of a certain age to be either courting ,going steady ,married , in a relationship of some sort and your obiously dont fit into that list ....yet .You say you dont want to date a girl just for the sake of it but having or wanting a variety of male and female friends is 'OK ' and normal .You shouldn't feel guilty that you think your going to be using somebody ,even if it's just to accompany you to a social fuction .That's how you get to know people ,by dating them and it may be were you are loosing out ,restricting yourself to being on your own even though you are comfortable in that role .It's all about wanting to be with people as much as they wish to be with you so maybe it's time for you to alter your lifestyle ,hobbies ,intrests , etc that allows others to fit in as well .Waiting for something to happen is not always the best route to take .We sometimes have to make things happen for ourselfs .If your not looking to date which then it's understandable that your not going to fit in as much with others who are because that in a lot of cases is what it's all about ,fitting in .The alternative is the continued singldom life

cafecolour

It can be hard if everyone else is a couple and you're not BUT in your post you said everyone was "coupled up or with a group of friends." Group of friends is something entirely different - though it takes a bit more of an extrovert, you can certainly say hi and chat up some people you don't know (ie it could be a group of his work mates, or golfing buddies, or what - they wouldn't necessarily know each other that well).

Even couples, in a big group fashion, you can start talking with - tho, if you're a guy, it's generally best to start talking to the guy, just not to cause any misunderstanding. Couples get deadly bored if they have to talk to eachother the whole night.

It's when everyone starts having kids that it can get really deadly, 'cause all they'll talk about is the kids. Well for the most part - even the most doting father seems to still have time to watch a match

petethebrick

minidazzler wrote: »

I don't agree with social exclusion based on the fact that you don't have a girlfriend. But yes, that is how the world works.

No it isn't - it would be a sad world if that was the case.
OP - it's probably more in your own head that you're being excluded due to going out on your own. Think about it - if you were out with your girlfriend and your friends with their girlfriends would you cut people on their own out of the conversation etc?? I'd hope not!
Be confident on your own and enjoy the freedom that comes with going solo!

Oh The Humanity

In my experience yes. ITs definitely NOT in your head.

I am in my 30's and while I am not single now, when I was single in my 30's I used to feel like you just said.

Like you I was quite confident but I found a lot of people consciously or unconsciously treated me like an oddity. I don't think its meant in badness though. I think sometimes people with young kids especially can be quite frazzled/tired and say things which can be a little patronising or thoughtless but genuinely don't mean any harm.

You are obviously happy on your own so don't mind their remarks. I found I had to develop a seperate set of friends who were still interested in other things rather than coupling up and starting a family. There is nothing wrong with doing that by the way. But it can be pretty soul destroying when they are always on a crusade to 'fix you up' and see you 'settled down' rather than accepting you and reaslising you are happy as you are!

Its hard to find other single people in your 30's to hang around with. It does require effort but you have a head start due to your Athletics crew!

I won't give you the old chiched 'join a hillwalking group' (if I heard that once I heard it a zillion times) you'll find your own thing. But don't take those comments too much to heart.

You should be applauded for doing things on your own. Perhaps that bloke was a bit uncomfortable about it but you're not so dont mind him.

wolfric

petethebrick wrote: »

No it isn't - it would be a sad world if that was the case.
OP - it's probably more in your own head that you're being excluded due to going out on your own. Think about it - if you were out with your girlfriend and your friends with their girlfriends would you cut people on their own out of the conversation etc?? I'd hope not!
Be confident on your own and enjoy the freedom that comes with going solo!

I'm afraid you're a little out there. Of course it depends what kind of people you socialise with. Mainly though as you get older people settle down with someone and tend to have built up strong friends. There's nothing wrong with being alone but i can only perceive that as you get older the excitement and independence get's a little bland and people turn to relationships to keep them company.

This might might not be how the world is but it's probably how the op's world is. I'd suggest reaching out to new groups of people to hang around with if you arne't quite ready to settle down yet op

kaalgat

sunflower27 wrote: »

Hi OP

I think your aquaintance and his friends seem quite ignorant. So you don't have a gf. Big deal! I cant imagine myself or any of my friends just chatting away while someone stood around looking uncomfortable or left out. Especially as you had made the effort to go, this aquaintance could have at least set you up with some people to talk with

I'm single and have been for a while and have to say it's been a long time since I felt the way you described.

But then I'd have probably just joined in a conversation whether they wanted me to or not - especially if it took me ages to get to where the party was

Well said!
Honestly I cannot say that it has ever mattered to me if someone came out for an evening without a partner. I certainly would not exclude people for coming alone. Likewise I have never had any comments about going out to meet people on my own either.

I think it's cool you can actually go out on your own to meet people - a lot of people want to run at the thought of going out by themselves!

scarymoon1

op if i were you id find a new group of acquaintances because that guy at the party sounds like an immature prick. Did the group make you feel welcome or did they all avoid you like the plague because you came to a party on your own? shock horror! Il bet the group is younger than you because if i knew anyone that was in their 30's and acted like that id find new friends. Don't worry op - the world is not like that - just that sad group.

Eve_Dublin

I absolutely agree with Sunflower!! Your so-called acquaintance sounds like the kind of person you shouldn´t bother your backside to promote to "friendship" status. I know what it´s like to arrive somewhere alone....travelled alone for a year and when I arrived in my first hostel on the first day, I was so grateful to the very first girl who approached me and started a conversation with me that I wanted to cry and give her a massive hug. Now I know how it feels and I would never leave someone sitting there on their own like that. Not cool. Yes, I´m sure most of your friends are settling down as people tend to do in their late twenties/early thirties but believe me when I tell you, there´s plenty of singles out there with the same attitude as yourself. I´ve just become single recently...was seeing a guy in Ireland before I moved to Spain a month ago and we decided to leave it for the time being because neither of us want to do the long-distance thing at our ages (I´m 29, he´s 38) and if we miss each other enough, then we´ll see what happens. That´s grand. It was bad timing and I think both of us are willing to hang on for something more.
, even if it means being with someone else.

I have a lot of friends who are in great relationships and it´s fantastic but in the same breath, I´ve met people over here in relationships that they feel stuck in. Met a guy from England the other drinking himself silly to get away from the girlfriend, met another girl who moved to the country to be with her Spanish boyfriend and realised within a week she made a terrible mistake and is STILL here 5 months later miserable but hasn´t mustered up the bravery to leave, if she ever will. Met another girl whose boyfriend keeps spending the rent on his cocaine addiction and she was very visibly upset when we met up.

I´m not saying that being in a relationships equates to misery because that´s a lie. It´s, of course, great to have someone there for you and to love and to be loved but I´d rather hang on for THAT type of relationship then to settle and endure the types of relationships I mentioned above just because you aren´t brave enough to perhaps feel like a bit of an oddity among your peers, whether it´s in your head or not (sometimes it is and sometimes not).

Emme

hooper77 wrote: »

Im an athlete and right now I wouldnt be looking to be with anybody either because my training is going great and Im knocking out some good performances in competitions...

...I wouldnt want to start dating a girl just so I could fit in socially, that would be just using another person and more than a little pathetic...

...Anyway I'll cut to the chase: Is this how the world works, if youre not coupled up you get edged out, excluded?

Thanks

It sounds like these people live in a small narrowly-defined world where success comes down to how many pints you drank over the weekend and whether you're coupled up or not. Being happy may or may not come into it.

Your focus and dedication (being an athlete I take it you don't drink to excess) might make them uncomfortable with themselves and that's why they're being funny. Don't mind them.

Fair play to you for doing well in your training and competitions, and not bowing down to the pressure to date somebody just to fit in. Don't worry about the others, stick to your training and focus on your goals. The rest will come in time. As an athlete you know not to hang out with people who pull you down so you might think twice about hanging out with these people in future. You need to be around people who support you and your goals.

catratbat

The birthday boy must have a very narrow point of view on the world if he believes that everyone should be coupled up at a certain age. Some people seem to live their lives by society rules... relationship? tick.... car changed every year? tick.... house at whatever cost? tick.... Nothing wrong with these but some folk feel if ye don't have all that by thirty...tsk tsk failure

My coupled up mates never made me feel like a goosberry... it was just a gang of mates where some happened to be couples...

Best of luck in the training

CDfm

OP - its in the cycle of life that people do pair off. ATM you are focused on your athletics probably to the exclusion of everything else, there could come a time when that ends.

So maybe its time that you reflect on that and see what you will do later in life.

It maybe that you dont want kids prefer travelling etc etc but want a partner who shares that vision.

The only way to find out is to try it.

LegacyUser

There was a guy a few months ago who posted a thread about something very similar. He was 34 and may well have been you. Anyway, coincidence it may be, but I replied to that thread at the time and have thought about it often since. I haven't come onto boards in a while and now that I'm here I see this thread. And this is the very thing I came on to check for. Maybe the digital world is smaller than it seems

Anyway, it's a pain the @$$ isn't it. All of my friends are getting married and starting to talk about babies. I'm very independent and for a long time I begrudged them because I hated how dependent they had all become on their boyfriends/grilfriends.

Then I realised I was becoming very negative and cynical, and had to admit I wouldn't have wanted to hang out with me if I was one of my friends in a couple! I also realised that they weren't the ones who were casting me out, but I was the one who actually had the issues with them. I was treating them differently becasue they were settling down and was at risk of isolating myself entirely from them.

So I'm happy for them they are moving on but I now realise what I need is a new wing man (or wing woman!). To be around some like minded people who share a similar lifestyle to me. And then I might stop feeling inadequate for not wanting to pop out a babies

LegacyUser

Hi Op here,
Thanks for all the replies, each and every one of them were great and offered something of value. It was nice not to be fobbed off with the old "join a club" crap, everybody really took time to give me honest and helpful advice.
I do understand that the way I live my life is unconventional. All around me I see people getting married, having kids etc and all the while I live in this other world it seems. I have to say that even though sometimes it does get to me that I may end up alone ultimatley I do enjoy and love my live none the less. I hope nobody takes offence at this but sometimes when Im walking through shopping centres I'll see other men with their wives and kids hanging out of them and a shudder will go down my spine, I think to myself, Phew! dodged a bullett on that one.
I suppose what Im saying is that there are advantages to my life and disadvantages aswell. I get to run my own show all the time, I do what I want and my life is very simple and uncomplicated. On the other hand it can be hard sometimes when I'd like to go to a concert or something and theres nobody to go with.
I have no intention of qutting my sports or even cutting back just so I can fit in. I realise I am 32 years old now and theres only so many years I'll have if one day I want to get married and start a family. But at the same time I have to take things as they come and not worry to much about the future.
I guess the whole point of my original post was just to have a little bit of a winge at the way the world appears to be(from my perspective anyway). I can be a little ignorant when it comes to social rituals, that type thing and the night of that party showed up the contrast in my world and the world that a lot of others live in. The guy whos birthday it was by the way, came across in my original post as a dick but he's actually one of the nicest, most decent people I know. So I apologise to him for portraying him so badly. He just belongs to that other world Im not accostomed to and so he sees that everybody should live a certain way such as show up for a party accompanied, not on their toblerone. He really is a good bloke though.
Anway thanks again for the great replies, youre all deadly!