advise on this

MISTER.H

Been in a long term retlationship with a girl I love. We've had our troubles of late and she moved out. Her pesonality changed a bit and acts a bit odd at times. The other night I was sitting with her and her new flatmate who is a girl neither of us really know that well. During the conversation my gf told this girl about a guy who came into her workplace the previous week. And how he was tall, dark and handsome and really hot with a muscular body and that she'd seen his girlfriend and he deserved much better, she talked about it for about fifteen minutes, so it wasn't just a passing remark and was slightly out of the context of the conversation. I got the feeling that her flatmate was a bit shocked by her saying it in front of me. I was sitting in the room while this was said. And I got really annoyed but didnt say anything. later i told her i was annoyed about it and she went crazy. she said i was being an asshole and so on.
Am i being an asshole or was i right to be annoyed?? it just seemed a little out of order and i was embarrassed that she said it in front of that girl.

Terodil

MISTER.H wrote: »

We've had our troubles of late and she moved out.

Does this mean you broke up? I suppose it does... if so, then I hope you don't mind me asking, why are you still hanging out with her? You'd do yourself a much better service by making a clean cut and living your own life without her in it at all.

If not... then what is she trying to accomplish? Why exactly did she move out? Did she try to make you jealous?

MISTER.H

Terodil wrote: »

Does this mean you broke up? I suppose it does... if so, then I hope you don't mind me asking, why are you still hanging out with her? You'd do yourself a much better service by making a clean cut and living your own life without her in it at all.

If not... then what is she trying to accomplish? Why exactly did she move out? Did she try to make you jealous?

no. we didn't break up. we did for about a week but got our relationship back on track. that's what i was wondering, is she trying to make me jealous by saying stuff like that? or is itsomething else? any ideas?

Terodil

MISTER.H wrote: »

no. we didn't break up. we did for about a week but got our relationship back on track.

Well, sorry to say that it doesn't look that way, given your OP.

But let me ask again, what was the main problem why you broke up?

- If it was you looking at/going after/... other girls OR it was you being too soft, then it could be one desperate (albeit misguided) attempt to either make you notice her again or to find out if you actually do have any limits.

- If it was general disagreements and quarrels then this looks like game over to me. =/

In any case, this is conjecture, you really need to sit down calmly and talk with her about your current relationship and the future.

Taltos

Random thoughts here
> moved out
> temporary break
> talking to relative stranger about an attractive guy at work for 15min
> calls you an asshole when you tell her how uncomfortable you felt

... signs to me that in her mind she is moving on and is looking for an excuse.

However this all depends on how you told her you were not impressed.
i.e. if you were over-brearing etc - then understandable.
However if you were reasonable about it and got this response then....

Suggest you sit down with her and talk about what is going on - I mean really going on in your relationship. You never know maybe she is under stress in work or something... Thing is we know less than you - so have a talk - non-confrontational - you know - along the lines - "you ok? do you need to talk about how you've been feeling? I feel like you're out of sorts.."

Do not ask her if she wants to break up or anything like that - all that would do to me is annoy me and if I was in the wrong mood just snap "YES..."

MISTER.H

Terodil wrote: »

Well, sorry to say that it doesn't look that way, given your OP.

But let me ask again, what was the main problem why you broke up?

- If it was you looking at/going after/... other girls OR it was you being too soft, then it could be one desperate (albeit misguided) attempt to either make you notice her again or to find out if you actually do have any limits.

- If it was general disagreements and quarrels then this looks like game over to me. =/

In any case, this is conjecture, you really need to sit down calmly and talk with her about your current relationship and the future.

no. i have never been unfaithful and i dont chase other girls. we did a bit of fighting but just as much as anyone else. Things had gotten a little boring and i was working long hours. things have been quite good since we got things back on track. spending a lot of time together.

MISTER.H

Taltos wrote: »

Random thoughts here
> moved out
> temporary break
> talking to relative stranger about an attractive guy at work for 15min
> calls you an asshole when you tell her how uncomfortable you felt

... signs to me that in her mind she is moving on and is looking for an excuse.

However this all depends on how you told her you were not impressed.
i.e. if you were over-brearing etc - then understandable.
However if you were reasonable about it and got this response then....

Suggest you sit down with her and talk about what is going on - I mean really going on in your relationship. You never know maybe she is under stress in work or something... Thing is we know less than you - so have a talk - non-confrontational - you know - along the lines - "you ok? do you need to talk about how you've been feeling? I feel like you're out of sorts.."

Do not ask her if she wants to break up or anything like that - all that would do to me is annoy me and if I was in the wrong mood just snap "YES..."

i waited for about an hour until we were alone to confront her about it. she knew i as annoyed and asked me what was wrong. then i told her i didn't appreciate being embarrassed like that.

Taltos

MISTER.H wrote: »

i waited for about an hour until we were alone to confront her about it. she knew i as annoyed and asked me what was wrong. then i told her i didn't appreciate being embarrassed like that.

Warning signs here - would explain her rant...

"confront" - even that language is pardon the term - confrontational. Maybe approach it differently. Thing is we cannot expect people to have the same views on things as us - so to you - something that is just wrong could be to her nothing out of the ordinary...

As I said maybe just try to have a chat again - see what is happening. But and big but here - pay attention to the language you use... Confrontational language normally gets one of 2 responses - Agressive or Defensive - neither lead to a sharing of ideas.

MISTER.H

Taltos wrote: »

Warning signs here - would explain her rant...

"confront" - even that language is pardon the term - confrontational. Maybe approach it differently. Thing is we cannot expect people to have the same views on things as us - so to you - something that is just wrong could be to her nothing out of the ordinary...

As I said maybe just try to have a chat again - see what is happening. But and big but here - pay attention to the language you use... Confrontational language normally gets one of 2 responses - Agressive or Defensive - neither lead to a sharing of ideas.

I was annoyed but wasn't shouting or anything like that. I made it obvious I was insulted but didn't go nuts. it's just I wanted to know opinions on whether i was out of order for getting annoyed.

Terodil

Taltos wrote: »

Thing is we cannot expect people to have the same views on things as us - so to you - something that is just wrong could be to her nothing out of the ordinary...

Well, I'm not sure I agree with this. Some things are definitely out of bounds (as was this) and people know this. They do it deliberately to get a reaction. This incident is no grey zone, no simple misunderstanding.

Hence my asking if she was trying to goad him to a reaction...

Taltos wrote: »

As I said maybe just try to have a chat again - see what is happening. But and big but here - pay attention to the language you use... Confrontational language normally gets one of 2 responses - Agressive or Defensive - neither lead to a sharing of ideas.

Agree with this though.

I think the key here would be to describe what *you* felt, not what *she* did, and then look ahead.

Taltos

Terodil wrote: »

I think the key here would be to describe what *you* felt, not what *she* did, and then look ahead.

+1
Exactly what I was trying to get to - thanks

As to grey areas - maybe she was trying to get a reaction - but without talking who knows what reaction. And we do not know - maybe she was trying to set her new flatmate up. I know guys can be alot more descriptive...

MISTER.H

Taltos wrote: »

+1
maybe she was trying to set her new flatmate up.

just to clarify. this wasn't about a guy she works with. it was about a customer who had come into her workplace was getting some work done. and the flatmate is not single.

MISTER.H

are there any other men who have been in this situation?

OS119

MISTER.H wrote: »

are there any other men who have been in this situation?

no, when we had 'problems' and my girlfriend moved out of our home i was able to accept that the relationship was over - the fact that you had problems, your GF moved out, got a flat and she's talking about very attractive men in forensic detail in front of you is an indicator.

meditraitor

I feel bad saying it but it really does look like your relationship is over....... I could be wrong but as was pointed out before

You lived together
You broke up and she moved out
She doesnt really care how you feel

Sorry but I would have THE talk very soon,

LegacyUser

MISTER.H wrote: »

a guy who came into her workplace the previous week. And how he was tall, dark and handsome and really hot with a muscular body and that she'd seen his girlfriend and he deserved much better, she talked about it for about fifteen minutes

It all depends on being there at the time, it could have been an innocent comment or not, only you can tell because you were there at the time. But talking about it for 5 minutes, 'really hot' does not sound good.

My take is, she is jealous of the girl and it has made her think that she can get a tall, dark, handsome, hot muscular boyfriend. "Well if she can get a guy like that so can I, why am I setting for what I have" I'd say relationship is over.

Sephiroth_dude

MISTER.H wrote: »

Been in a long term retlationship with a girl I love. We've had our troubles of late and she moved out. Her pesonality changed a bit and acts a bit odd at times. The other night I was sitting with her and her new flatmate who is a girl neither of us really know that well. During the conversation my gf told this girl about a guy who came into her workplace the previous week. And how he was tall, dark and handsome and really hot with a muscular body and that she'd seen his girlfriend and he deserved much better, she talked about it for about fifteen minutes, so it wasn't just a passing remark and was slightly out of the context of the conversation. I got the feeling that her flatmate was a bit shocked by her saying it in front of me. I was sitting in the room while this was said. And I got really annoyed but didnt say anything. later i told her i was annoyed about it and she went crazy. she said i was being an asshole and so on.
Am i being an asshole or was i right to be annoyed?? it just seemed a little out of order and i was embarrassed that she said it in front of that girl.

I'd be really annoyed to if my g/f said that in front of me.

Balmed Out

May be hard to hear but if youre a decent person and in a relationship with a decent person but you dont talk like that in front of eachother. If your out with the lads you might comment on an attractive girl but you wouldnt say it to your girlfriend as you respect her and wouldnt want to hurt her feelings. This girl is showing you a lack of respect and certainly has no problem hurting your feelings and you should be giving her the boot. However you feel about her you must realise you deserve someone else, someone better.

tbh

based on your OP, I would say she doesn't want to go out with you, doesn't have the courage to finally break up with you and is hoping you'll take the hint.

I'm only basing that on your Op, could be totally off, but that's my 2c.