Did she cheat?

shanty_boys

Hi guys, first time poster on here.

So Im in a relationship and need some advice, hence why i'm here! I have been going out with a girl now around 5 months. We've only started seeing each other exclusively for 2 months now. She is the sweetest and nicest girl I know. She is 19 and i'm 24 and if i am totally honest i havent been a good person all my life. I am very experienced, i've had other girl friends and didnt treat them great. In the past few years especially when I was at uni, I was always a bit of a tear away. But I know that this was all part of me growing up and I know that everything I have done has wised me up and made me definitely a better person. I am not the wild kid I used to be anymore.

Anyway, I am totally head over heels in love with this girl. She is at uni at the minute and I am working and so i dont see her all the time but when i do we get on so well and have a great laugh. Last night she was on the tear and spent most of the night texting me and ringing me. She sent me a few messages telling me she loved me and obviously cos she was drunk I have taken this with a pinch of salt and not thought too much about it. She sent me 4 or 5 messages in the middle of the night last night when I was sleeping so i only got round to replying this morning. When i did reply, she text back saying she was only getting home and that her and her mates had stayed in a house with a few lads last night. She seems to have been spending a right bit of time with these particular lads and I am worried something is going on. I think probably because I know what i was like when I was at uni, I know what goes on and Im afraid she did cheat on me. Or maybe I am just being paranoid. Any advice?

Wibbs

Paranoid I'd say. Maybe thinking she is now the way you were once? You can never be sure(hence I dont tend to sweat this stuff) but if she's been texting you all night then her attention was focused on you.

Serial texters in my experience are quite easy to spot if there's something amiss. One ex of mine would text me all the time when we were apart, just to keep in touch with me and I her. The night she cheated on me and got busy with someone else? Nada. Woke up the next morning(a bit worried about her actually), she answered my call and I got the "we need to talk" speech.

Still that didn't overly colour my attitude on these things. I still trust people. If they want to play away they will. I just pick better in the first place now.

I would say you're fine. It sounds like she's mad about you and wants to keep in touch. Just keep the green eyed monster in check. She's not you or the way you were, or at least until defo proven otherwise.

Taltos

+1 Wibbs.

Keep that jealousy in check - or you might cause what you fear most to happen.
If she did cheat - there is very little chance she would have mentioned staying the night around at a lads house now would she.

Also be careful taring her with your brush.
When I was in college we spent many nights around at others houses - mainly for company and drink, and not just to use the opp to jump into bed with a random.

At the end of the day you gotta ask yourself if you trust her.
If you do - great - isn't it wonderful she can be this honest with you.
If not - then why not? Is it you - you can work on that. Or is it her - and if it is her are you better off out...

Personally - just laugh and be glad she trusts you not to overreact.

Wibbs

Taltos wrote: »

Keep that jealousy in check - or you might cause what you fear most to happen.

In a big way.

If she did cheat - there is very little chance she would have mentioned staying the night around at a lads house now would she.

Exactly, unless she's a right so and so. Plus a right so and so would be unlikely to be texting and calling about how much she loves you etc. That would require a right psycho so and so.

AdamantApproach

Jody!

Wibbs

AdamantApproach only relevant and useful posts are allowed on this forum. "Jody!" doesn't cut it. Please read the charter of this forum before posting again. Thanks.

shanty_boys

Wibbs wrote: »

Paranoid I'd say. Maybe thinking she is now the way you were once? You can never be sure(hence I dont tend to sweat this stuff) but if she's been texting you all night then her attention was focused on you.

Serial texters in my experience are quite easy to spot if there's something amiss. One ex of mine would text me all the time when we were apart, just to keep in touch with me and I her. The night she cheated on me and got busy with someone else? Nada. Woke up the next morning(a bit worried about her actually), she answered my call and I got the "we need to talk" speech.

Still that didn't overly colour my attitude on these things. I still trust people. If they want to play away they will. I just pick better in the first place now.

I would say you're fine. It sounds like she's mad about you and wants to keep in touch. Just keep the green eyed monster in check. She's not you or the way you were, or at least until defo proven otherwise.

Thats the thing up until recently she wouldnt have been a serial texter which im fine with. She would text a couple of times a day and maybe 2/3 hours between each text. And then all of a sudden last night she must have text me around 30 messages!

Its just shes not the kind of girl to just lie in a random house with fellas. Shes usually very prudish!

Wibbs

Who knows? It is possible that she felt a little uncomfortable being there because of her being "prudish", her feelings for you and how she thought you might take it. So she overeggs the texts to reassure you. Seriously it seems pretty minor, in fact depending on ones viewpoint you could say it's a very good sign. That would be my take. Let it go. Don't bring it up for gods sake and if she does, just tell her you liked her drunken texts. End of.

dublingal80

I think, because you really like her, she will treat you the way you have treated your ex's in the past.

If she was out cheating on you, honestly, she wouldnt have been texting you so much during the night and secondly she wouldnt have told you she had stayed over in a lads house with her friends.

I know myself, when Im out with the girls having a few drinks and talking about guys, when I hear all their terrible stories about ex's or current boyfriends, I feel so lucky about my OH so I would be texting him telling him how much i love him, and the more drunk I am, the more random texts he will get... poor him

I think if she was out with the girls and you hadnt heard from her all night until she told you about staying in the guys house, you may have had something to be worried about.

Maybe next time she is heading out with the girls and the lads, go out with her, get to know them. I'm sure they aren't that bad!

shanty_boys

Hi all, thanks for the replys.

Just to update you, my OH text me a few times yesterday she was booking a meal for the both of us for tonight. The messages she was texting me didnt say much and were sort of blunt. Anyway she text me at 9 last night saying she was heading out for the night and wasnt taking her phone with her because she didnt want to be using her phone whilst under the influence like the previous night. I text her back saying have a good night. Still havent heard back from her since then so i'm definitely thinking there is something up.

Do i have a right to feel angry about this??

puglover

Am no, what has she done to make you angry? :rolleyes:

Jays, she got a bit text happy with a few drinks on her and decided to leave it at home rather than have a repeat performance.

Seriously whats the issue?

dublingal80

u are firstly saying she never texts when she is out and the fact that she did had you worried
now she goes out and leaves her phone at home so cos she isnt texting you has you worried...

Taltos

I am with the others on this.

Here's the thing though - texting does NOT replace a conversation. And while very useful is really open to being mis-understood.

Look - go for you rmeal - enjoy yourselves - but FGS just have a chat like most folk and if you find you are getting weird thoughts from the texts cut back on them.

Who knows - you could be right. But if you are not and you start harping on about this it will just bring tension to what might otherwise be a great relationship.

Behind all this - why are you suddenly feeling like this? What is it that suddenly has you questioning your relationship? I mean you really cannot have it both ways.
> too many texts
> blunt texts
> no texts...

Could it be that your gf is just stretching her wings - meeting new folk - new oppertunities - and without you? If so - then how you are feeling is not unreasonable - but if it becomes obsessive you do risk causing damage to how you both get on. At the end of the day - you either trust her or you don't...

Smyth

I see why you might be paranoid, but you'll just have to trust her.

From my view, I see a drunk girl who got all lovey dovey and thought to send you lots of texts.

Life is far too short to worry about such things. If she is, she is. If she's not, she's not. There's not much more you can do. What will happen though is if you dwell on it, you will taint the outlook on your relationship - possibly never enjoying it the same way again. And for what? The possibility that she might have cheated on you?

Now, here's a piece of advice that may or may not apply to you. I see some symptoms of it's case, and I feel I need to say it.

I don't know how you did things in college OP, but I've had MANY a mixed sex night - which involved absolutely no sexual activity. People just get together and drink, get drunk, and fall asleep on the couch. It's 80% of college life. These nights included girls who were in groups that may have had 3 or 4 girls with boyfriends. By the sounds of it, it was a typical house party, and the girls only other alternative was to walk home alone.

19 is very young, and you can't expect her to be over and done with her mad partying years just because you are.

If you can't accept this, or you try and change her, you're only making it worse for yourself. Don't try and get her to mould her ideals around you, instead, try and figure out if you two click. If they fall into place, and you see eye to eye - great. If she does things that you don't like, you need to get out.

I've seen people with the same age gaps and situations date, and I've seen the same thing happen over and over again.. It's a precursor to a possesive and jealous relationship. What usually happens is that they let the problems simmer for sometime. It builds up inside until the relationship comes to a point where they're both dug down little deeper. When that happens, things start to surface.

"I don't like when you do that"
"I'd like it if you came straight home"
"Why do you always do that? Why do you do that to me?"

From that, a dominance is created, and one of the 2 will become the the mould and the other the fluid. The fluid will change to comply with the mould even though it was never meant to in the first place.

Then the major problems arise when the mould isn't around. The fluid will revert back to it's natural state - something that the mould (used to seeing a different side) will not like. At all.

All that blabbering is a mixture of my own experience and my observation of my friends and families relationships.

Accept her for who she is and everything that she does. Put no reigns, or gates on behavior. If you can do this, you'll have a very liberating relationship.

If not. You're with the wrong person. Someone will fit eventually.

Gyalist

The best thing that this girl can do for her own sanity, is to dump you. Your insecurity is going to kill any attraction that she had towards you.

Liam Byrne

There is NO bigger turn-off than someone repeatedly saying "You'd cheat" / "I think you cheated" etc....on a number of levels.

1) It's insulting. Most decent people wouldn't, so therefore by saying it you're implying that someone isn't a decent person

2) It's self-deprecating, on an extreme level. The person thinking it/asking doesn't want to leave because they've found something out; they're not saying "I'm dumping you because I think you cheated". They're on for staying in the relationship, which automatically shows a subconscious level of what they think they're worth.

3) It's projecting.......in this case, because you "didn't treat exes well" (maybe cheated on them), you reckon someone else will treat you badly or cheat

4) If the other person cares, it will trigger a certain level of reassurance, but that will become wearing and kill off any chance of a relationship developing / succeeding

5) It shows mistrust, and in extreme cases can cause a "they're probably cheating on me, so I'm not missing an opportunity if it comes my way" mindset

6) It's doomed to failure, since any half-normal relationship will seem a million times better

7) Finally, if it's true (or if you're continuously worrying and uncomfortable, or the other person is continuously frustrated by the mistrust of them) then what's the point in being in the so-called relationship ?

So basically, unless there's definite proof, switch off the paranoia.

And based on what you said above (including the dodgy phrasing of "shes not the kind of girl to just lie in a random house with fellas") the issues seem to be on YOUR side - too many texts / too abrupt texts (would they have seemed abrupt any other night, when your mind wasn't working overtime / too little texts (again, compare the number to every other time apart from the drunken texts that seemed "too many" by comparison to the norm).