boyfriend working away

foxy_j

hi there

Me and boyf graduated college in 2008 and there wasnt much jobs around so he took up a course up north that you work with a company during the week aswell as one day a week doing the course. We're from munster.

The course is finishing at the end of the month but he's been offered to stay on at the company. The offer isn't great but he's thinkin of takin it til after christmas and in the mean time be looking for other jobs. I work part time and am living at home but really like my job. I do want to move out and move in with him so i know i will have to look for a full time job.

He really likes it up north and part of him wants to stay up there, even get a diff job in couple months.
I however don't like it up there at all, nice to visit but i just don't want to live there. It could be because its in a small enough town and i would prefer to live somewhere more central, like a city.More things to do and job opportunities, doubt i'd get a job, if so there'd be a commute.

He has asked me to move up for next couple months, and then we could look at other jobs and perhaps move somewhere else. I don't see the point if he's only stayin til christmas.
I think he's just hoping to get me to move up and the place will grow on me.
I wouldn't mind trying another county in Ireland, maybe Dublin etc. Would have a lot more job opportunities and more lively and things to do.

Am i being unfair? i don't know what to do. i want him to be happy but i want to be happy too.
thanks

kjl

well if its just till after christmas, then stay where you are and visit when you can, he will understand if you explain it to him

foxy_j

hey thanks

ya i know, but i think the extra time up there and the extra months travelling down on weekend on his part too will result in him tryin to persuade me to move up permanently.i do visit 1/2 a month. He was only meant to be up there 9 months and come back but he really likes it up there. i was lookin forward to him finishing and now i know he'll want to discuss further the possibility of living up there.

Terodil

Ultimately it will come down to weighing what you really want. To me, personally, location wouldn't matter so much as I believe in 'home is where the heart is'.

It will also come down to who is the more flexible of you two. If he already has a full-time job and you *know* you will have to change jobs anyway then I think you have more of a reason to budge in the search for compromise than he has.

And finally, 'liking' is a difficult thing -- can you actually put down what you dislike (and like!) about NI in writing? You should try to at least, because once you've voiced your concerns/issues you can work on them and do something against them. You may find out in the end that only a few of your issues actually stand, while the majority is easily handled by making a few minor adjustments.

shellyboo

The way I see it is, he has been offered a full-time job. You know that if you want to move out, you're going to need a full-time job.

It would be totally stupid for him to give up the job he has to move back to you, leaving neither of you with an income.

I think you should seriously consider moving up to him. These days, you go where the jobs are. I don't see one valid reason for not wanting to move to NI other than "I don't like it there"... which isn't that big a deal if you get to be with your boyfriend, really.

wexford202

To be fair OP if you don't want to move say to him that you don't really fancy moving there and could he look for things closer to where you both are from.

He might think you really like it there and only be suggesting you move as he thinks its what you want.

People telling you to move isn't fair at all.

It is always better to talk about these things before they turn into too big a deal

Terodil

wexford202 wrote: »

People telling you to move isn't fair at all.

No, but relationships in general aren't fair.

It's about compromise and looking after the other and making each other happy, not about a bill split exactly down the middle (even if some balance needs to be maintained, of course...).

wexford202

Relationships are meant to be both fair and equal.

Maybe the Op's other half doesn't have his heart set on being up north. maybe it is just an idea and he has no problem moving back home.

Each to their own.

Terodil

wexford202 wrote: »

Relationships are meant to be both fair and equal.

Relationships are not maths. On the grand scale, things need to be pretty even I agree, but you can't deduce concrete advice for a specific situation out of that principle, or we'd never be moving anywhere.

shellyboo

wexford202 wrote: »

People telling you to move isn't fair at all.

But him giving up a full-time job that he likes is fair, is it? Nope.

foxy_j

hey thanks for the replies

ya they're good arguments for both sides so it makes it difficult. my friends think we could compromise and move somewhere we both like, seeing as he does have an offer to stay up in the job up north but its a crap money offer so he's NOT goin to keep it beyond christmas. just while he's looking for other jobs, so he'll be looking for another job anyway but wants it to be up north.
so we'll both be in the same boat looking for jobs.
so i'm not asking him to give up the job!

wexford202

foxy_j wrote: »

hey thanks for the replies

ya they're good arguments for both sides so it makes it difficult. my friends think we could compromise and move somewhere we both like, seeing as he does have an offer to stay up in the job up north but its a crap money offer so he's NOT goin to keep it beyond christmas. just while he's looking for other jobs, so he'll be looking for another job anyway but wants it to be up north.
so we'll both be in the same boat looking for jobs.
so i'm not asking him to give up the job!

Maybe see which one of ye gets sorted first with work?

shellyboo

Yeah, you'll have to see where he can get a job. People don't have the luxury of picking and choosing nice places to live now, you really do have to go to where the work is if you're lucky enough to get it.

puglover

Relationships are about compromise, he's asked you to move up for a few months and give it a try. I think you'd be very selfish not to at least give it a shot.

On the jobs front I think you are being naive if you think he'll be able to just get another position somewhere else if he wants. He is very lucky to have an offer on the table at all and would be mad to turn it down.

If you love him, you will make it work where ever it has to be.

Queencake

So he likes living up in the North. And you say you have nothing against Northern Ireland except you want to live somewhere like a big city that's busy with tons to do..

What about Belfast?

vandermeyde

There is very little work out there for graduates at the moment, your boyfriend would be mad not to work in a company in his chosen sector if there's an offer on the table.

You've admitted that you're not too worried about a move in principle so I'd suggest you move up with him until the new year and take stock as a couple in Feb/March.

That's a fair enough compromise.