Boyfriend and exes

LegacyUser

I was just wondering if it was normal for guys to think of stuff they did in bed with their exes? I know my BF does, and did in the past before he was with me. He admitted he was with one kinky girl and used to fantasize about her while in bed with his ex. He's also mentioned stuff he did with her and others in the past, which is fine with me, but then he forgets he's told me and brings it up as something he'd like us to do together! So obviously he was thinking about the ex.

shellyboo

It's normal to think of past sexual experiences, yes... you need to not think of it as him thinking about the GIRL, he's just thinking about the specific act.

It's like, say your boyfriend had never kissed you - would you be able to stop yourself wanting to kiss him? Or thinking about how good it feels to be kissed? But you wouldn't be thinking "I wish I was with my ex who used to kiss", you'd be thinking "I wish I could experience this with my man NOW".

Don't be insecure about it. He can't erase the past from his memory, he can't un-experience what he's experienced... perhaps he could be a little more tactful in telling you his past exploits (I wouldn't be ok with hearing these, tbh) and being a little more careful with your feelings when suggesting things to add to your sex life.

hollis12

ah yea a lot of men do, nothing to be worried about

LegacyUser

Shellyboo I just wanted to clarify, the thing he mentioned was fairly kinky and specific (not in a gross way, just something kind of unusual) and something he'd only done with this one girl. He brought it up as something he'd like to do with me, obviously forgetting he'd already told me about the girl.

nodirectionhome

Horrible, my ex used to tell me intimate details of things he had done with other girls, and it bugged me but I said nothing. Then I met one of the girls at a family do and couldnt get the thoughts out of my head of things he had described to me they had done!! We ended up with huge trust issues as he was still in touch with her. Not nice, nip it in the bud if it makes you uncomfortable!

Darthhoob

my oh has told me things, and visa versa. doesn't bother me. in fact it is nice that we can be so open with eachother. it's NOT comparing, it's discussing trying new things together that we may have tried in the past and/or telling stories lol.

not saying that is your partner's reason for doing so, but it could well be. i doubt he forgets anyways. probably mentioning it, then later trying his luck in getting you to be open to try it.

opinion guy

Honestly.
I doubt he's forgetting - I'd say he just REALLY wants you to try it

LegacyUser

Hmm I'd say he forgot alright, just cos he has a tendency to tell me stuff and then forget he's already told me. I find it hard to believe, as I've a memory like an elephant myself, but all the men I've dated were like this.

As for telling me stuff about what he did before - is that weird? I used to do it with my ex a lot and now I do it with my boyfriend. It can get very graphic and I have met a few of the girls he was with. Doesn't really bother me, except for a few things he's said (which were long in the past with girls I never met).

iguana

Unregistered wrote: »

Shellyboo I just wanted to clarify, the thing he mentioned was fairly kinky and specific (not in a gross way, just something kind of unusual) and something he'd only done with this one girl. He brought it up as something he'd like to do with me, obviously forgetting he'd already told me about the girl.

I don't think he is specifically thinking about her, but he liked the act the performed together and wants to do it again with you. That's natural. We all learn things from our past partners and if we enjoy them try to incorporate it into the repertoire we have with our current partner.

kjl

If I can be a devils advocate for a second.

There was one girl in my life who I just clicked with in the sex department. In fact all we had going for each other was sex. I was with this girl on and off for about 4 years, on and off because as I said the only thing we had in common was sex.

now almost 2 years later, I still think about her when I'm having sex with other people. Oblivious I don't tell the person, so I would say if he did tell you about it then it probably means he is not thinking about her.

shellyboo

Unregistered wrote: »

Shellyboo I just wanted to clarify, the thing he mentioned was fairly kinky and specific (not in a gross way, just something kind of unusual) and something he'd only done with this one girl. He brought it up as something he'd like to do with me, obviously forgetting he'd already told me about the girl.

That doesn't really make a difference... so what if he's done it before? He wants to try it with you now.

It's really not a big deal at all. What's the alternative, like? Only perform sexual acts you've never done before with each new partner?


EDIT: ok, being a bit more realistic about it - if I thought I was coming in second best sexually to a previous partner, I wouldn't be too happy about it either. But instead of focussing the blame on him ("he thinks of other people when we're having sex!!") I'd be thinking to myself, "what can I do to make sure he's not capable of remembering his own name, never mind past sexual partners, when we're in bed?"

LegacyUser

shellyboo wrote: »

That doesn't really make a difference... so what if he's done it before? He wants to try it with you now.

It's really not a big deal at all. What's the alternative, like? Only perform sexual acts you've never done before with each new partner?

I was just saying you can't compare it to kissing, or sex or oral. It's something much more specific which he told me in great detail, then another day, said he'd like me to do, almost word for word.

EDIT: ok, being a bit more realistic about it - if I thought I was coming in second best sexually to a previous partner, I wouldn't be too happy about it either. But instead of focussing the blame on him ("he thinks of other people when we're having sex!!") I'd be thinking to myself, "what can I do to make sure he's not capable of remembering his own name, never mind past sexual partners, when we're in bed?"

I don't think I am second best, I know I'm good in bed. I've always been told that. But that doesn't stop him thinking about past exploits out of the bed.