I feel so alone

LegacyUser

I'm a postgrad student who recently moved to the UK to do a course I've been wanted to do for a long time. I'm now 24, as it took me 2 years to save up the money to do it, and I'm now in a position where I'm older than almost everyone. This is hard for me as until now, I'd always been the youngest or one of the youngest. I have made a real effort to join societies and go to meetups but I'm tired of being the only postgrad there and everyone thinking I'm old. And everyone seems so young to me. I suffer from social anxiety which meant I didn't get the most out of college the first time around. I was hoping to make up for that this time but it feels like I've missed the boat. Also, my general anxiety is still there albeit disguised under better social skills. I feel like people think I'm stupid or weird all the time. I seem to make a good initial impression but by the end I feel like people don't like me. I don't know if I talk too much or say stupid things. People say 'be yourself' but I am so naturally quiet with new people, that if I was myself nobody would even look at me! I just feel totally out of place and lonely. Now and then I feel like I'm doing well and fit in, then the bad feelings come back. I could understand if I was sitting in my room and wishing for friends but I really do try! Sometimes I prefer to sit in my room, then at least Im comfortable

LegacyUser

Hey OP.

Feeling alone is not a nice feeling to have. I think more people feel this way than you think but some mask it better than others.
My guess is the relocation to the UK is a factor, you're out of your regular environment and not only are you adjusting to being back in college but also in a foreign country, without familiar family or friends around and where it probably isn't quite as easy to go somewhere and say what's the craic? and get a warm response.
Seems like you are doing lots of things right. Getting out there and mixing. It might help if you thought less seriously about mixing and social situations and just did it, hang the consequences, not over analyzing the situations.
You're obviously not stupid if you're doing a postgrad course so put that thought out of your mind. All parties in a conversation have equal responsibility for how things go. Try not to be too loud, or too quiet. It is impossible to have everyone like you even though that would be nice.
If you feel different in some way, could you celebrate that difference as a way of coping? I was a mature student (older than 24 too) but still with 18-20 year olds. The age difference couldn't be ignored but there are things a more mature person will bring that callow youths dont have, and vice versa.
Keep going, keep trying something everyday, maybe organise something yourself to include others, related to your course, a gallery, a walk? a lecture? Surely it is early in the term and things will grow and improve over the next few weeks.
Best of luck, and remember that staying in and doing some course work every now and then is okay too.

Eric Cantona

I'd agree with everything threedot said. It takes alot of commitment to go back to education after a few years away. You're clearly anything but stupid so put that thought out of your head. I've studied with people who are in their 30s and 40s. They're not judged on their ages but they are respected and valuable members of the class and good friends too. Whatever a person's age or background they can all contribute something different.

I know from experience that it takes time to settle into a new city, especially if it's your first time moving away from home. I find if I make new friends I might suggest going for coffee/lunch the odd time. It might only be 10 minutes here or there but it helps me make connections. Do you keep in contact with old friends through facebook?

Once you get settled in I'm sure the time will fly and before long you'll have another qualification under your belt. All the best with it.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the advice. I've actually been living away from age 18, which makes me feel all the more pathetic. I should be so confident and adult by now and instead I feel myself getting more depressed and insecure. I have done a lot of interesting things, like working abroad and travelling but I don't have the self confidence most seem to have. My ego is really fragile - a dirty look or a non-reply to a Facebook message (which usually happens) leaves me feeling that nobody likes me and I'm insignificant. My ex-boyfriend didn't treat me too well and ended up cheating on me, which was a massive blow to my already low confidence. When I meet people, they initially think I'm 18 or 19, because I look so young and innocent, and probably come across as insecure and childish. I think underneath I'm actually quite mature, but on the surface my lack of assertiveness and confidence looks like immaturity.

To answer your question, yes I keep in contact with old friends, but many of them don't bother to reply. Even my best friends from college barely email me. In a way, I feel like it's easier to be the way I used to be and not bother with anyone or anything, keeping to myself. At least then I don't feel rejected. But it's very lonely and I felt like I was missing out on life. When things are going well, it's brilliant, but it takes so little to ruin my happy mood.

kmick

Went to college when I just turned 17 and there were two mature students in my class 24 and 26. Being honest they seemed really old to me and Im 34 now so I know that is really young. Being in the UK is going to make that more difficult as now you are the really old Irish guy and I know that sounds really bad but Im coming from what I would haver thought at 17 years and a few days. They integrated pretty welll but mainly hung out with each other. In fact I ended up hanging out with them as well as they had good insights on how to do coursework etc. Maybe there are other mature students or mature student groups you could meet up with after classes? Just try your best, be friendly and helpful and dont expect miracles. Remember everyone else is also finding their feet and are just as nervous as you. Give it time and let them get used to the idea.

LegacyUser

I'm actually doing a postgrad (I was 18 when I started my first degree) and I'm still one of the oldest! I was expecting most people to be 23-30 but they all seem to be 21 and straight out of their undergrad. My class is small anyway, so I tried to make friends in societies but as I said most of those people are 18 or 19. I've already been chatted up by a few guys but they seem to back off once they hear I'm 24! I feel like an old granny or something! It's just a shock to the system after always being younger than everyone else (and liking it that way).

Eric Cantona

Hey Feelsoalone,

Someone once said "you wouldn't think half as much about what people think about you if you knew how little they did". I think all of us are guilty from time to time of worrying about how we come across in groups and over thinking the judgements people make about us. It's often easier for us to see our weaknesses than the good qualities others see in us. Alot of how we communicate is based on non-verbal cues. Personally I tend to be fairly quiet when I'm in bigger groups. To some that may equate to 'boring' but to others 'sincere' and 'easy going'. People mightn't say it to your face but I'm sure you're valued by others more than you think.

Being told how youthful you look is a complaint alot of girls would love. Don't worry if lads are put off when they hear you're 24. That's down to emotional immaturity on their part. I know lads in their 40s who are big kids at heart and plenty of 'deep thinkers' in their late teens. There's no right or wrong; we're all different. Physical age is just a number once you go over 20. I'm sure when you get more settled you'll get talking to people on the same wavelength as yourself (maturity wise).

As for moving away from home: don't be too hard on yourself. It can be an unsettling event whether you're 18 or 80. Getting used to a new routine takes time but if you enjoy your course it'll all be worth it in the end.

I hope it all works out.

D-Generate

I am in a similar enough position in the UK, doing a postgrad in London except I am 23 fresh out of undergrad and everyone else is 29/30 after a few years in industry and almost none are native English speakers so I know how you feel OP. I have found that most of the Socs and Clubs are aimed at undergrads who have the time to attend the events and as such I have stuck to only attending postgrad events and started befriending housemates friends. Try and move in to a house that won't be with undergrads if possible.
Nonetheless I anticipate a lonely year

LegacyUser

OP, If you can pass for 19 or 20, why not just smile and say nothing?
Try not to let a couple of years age difference have such an influence on you or others.