Lost in a living wreck

kk77

I'm in a really bad situation here and am at my wits about what to do to get out of it. I am separated but living under the same roof as my ex husband. He has stopped paying the mortgage and the entire about comes out of my current a/c. I have been to the bank with my mother and basically they don't give adamn whose a/c the money comes from as long as its paid. I have been to a family law solicitor who has advised me about issuing him with a Summonings Order to court to get him to pay,however that takes 10-12 weeks.In the meantime I am stuck paying....I don't want to ruin my credit rating so i keep doing it but,i am seriously broke and have had to get money from my elderly pensioner parents to help me out with buying food.

I am job-sharing this year as a primary teacher while I study a postgrad at the same time. The course is my dream and has been for a long time so I don't want to give that up.It's 2 years long.

To make matters worse the Ex is going out with his new girlfriend all the time,eating out,drinking etc ,etc and rubbing it in my face. I have no interest in him but,to be still living under the one roof still is utter hell.I hate my life at the moment .I would be better off dead but then he would profit plus I have no intention of upsetting my family that way....he is horrendous ,coming in home chatting laoudly on the mobile to her,making a mess in the house,shouts at me and my parents,he is a total bully.I have tried to get to go to mediation so I can get out this mess and life with him but he has been refusing.My parents offered to pay for private mediation to in the evening time to suit his work hours but,he also refused. He won't move out,he is constantly verbally abusing me etc etc and generally making my life miserable here. I am sick of paying for everything and feel awful and ashamed that my parents are under pressure too. I can't take much more stress, I want to be legally separated and move on with my life but,he is dragging everything out and getting it all for free.

Nevyn

Why don't you move out?

kk77

I would still be legally obliged to pay my half of mortgage. At the mo,the entire thing comes out of my a/c , the bank,Ulster bank,won't allow it to come out of each of our a/cs 50/50.it can only come from one. So I would have to pay my half plus ould redirect my rent somewhere....I could redirect my salary to a new current a/c but then the mortgage will fall in arrears and I, along with him would then have a bad credit rating...Its so not fir and I have worked hard to keep it going to now that i don't want that to happen...am stuck...

grizzly

If I were you I'd not have him under the same roof, living rent free while acting like the total pr!ck. I'd inform him politely that if he's not paying rent he has a week to get out. Then rent out his room and change the locks.

havana

I totally understand your wanting to protect your credit rating. But i think you should consider moving out. Either way it looks like you'll be stuck making the payments and it might seem like he's 'winning' but your mental wellbeing is too precious to put at risk!

kk77

He has informed me that "he knows his rights" and if I did lock him out he would call the gardaí for entry into the house wich he legally ownes 50% of....He is also vowing to go after what he can of my pension....he is self employed and earns twice what I do but,he never bothered with a pension..

Apparently,according to sol he will be entitled to a small portion of my pension over the duration of our marriage-4 years- which he will receive when I retire in 40 years time,its only going to be worth a small amount to him but he is still going after it...the system sucks. I don't think I could ever buy a house with someone ever again after this horrible experience.

kk77

havana wrote: »

I totally understand your wanting to protect your credit rating. But i think you should consider moving out. Either way it looks like you'll be stuck making the payments and it might seem like he's 'winning' but your mental wellbeing is too precious to put at risk!

Ya,my mental health did suffer badly in the last few months. I've kept alot to myself,I don't mention any of this at work or college and I don't want to keep wearing friends ears off...though they do think the whole thing is shocking...As for my parents I feel huge guilt for being a burden on them y'know...they are elderly,they should not be dealing with all the crap...I have an older brother with physical difficulties so i don't want to be adding to their load...My GP has been a pillar of help and wisdom,so I'm lucky that way, but yeah mentally I'm cracking under it now,its been going on too long and I just can't afford to keep paying...

LegacyUser

Hi OP,

God this must be terrible for you, and now its a living hell with him torturing you,

For what its worth if it was me i would let it all fall apart, even start the process of it - call his bluff, i would not be able to have anyone have that control over me anymore,

I have been in dire situations myself, I was trapped in a house in my 20's with my sister who was neglecting and abusing her child, my mental health suffered- i let her control me to protect him but in the end i nearly lost it so it is not a viable solution no matter what you think right now,

What if you end up having to let it all fall apart down the road anyway because there is just no solution, you may as well let it now.

Could you move back in with your parents and pay the mortgage for a while, rent out your room in the house??

You are probably planning on divorcing this guy, so the sooner you can be away from his toxic being you will be yourself again, i stayed around toxic people and allowed it to destroy me, eventually i said id prefer to be under a bridge somewhere living in a cardboard box than to be around these people any longer,

Thats it- you need to prioritize your needs, and being around this guy a day longer does not seem like a plan, stop paying the mortgage let it fall apart, let the bank repossess the house, let him worry about where he is going to live!

if you have to rent for the rest of your life so be it rather than be in this situation any longer,

I saw a therapist which was why i got out of my situations and the advice she gave me was so supportive in handling toxic people,

Best of luck OP, your being way to nice here, walk away, i know your going to say you cant but you really can and have to!! Sorry xxxxxxx

pearljamfan

could you get a barring order?? put the house up 4 sale?

AMK

Have you spoken to a solicitor?

If you are separated for a year, then the situation can be forced. If he refuses to go to mediation to sort things out, then you can apply for a judicial separation and it can be sorted out by a court. I know you would have to pay legal fees but that would be taken into account.

He is behaving appallingly and it sounds like he is trying to drive you out of the house. Take control of this situation and get some legal advice.

cafecolour

Def get legal advice ASAP.

And, how much is in the house? Is it really worth it? Could you just default on the mortgage and let the bank take it, so the two of you don't end up battling over it? Or would that let him claim the whole thing?

dudara

Ok - keep track of absolutely every payment you make towards towards the mortgage and likewise keep evidence showing his lack of contribution.

As he is a 50% owner, this is a debt that he owes to you, and when it comes to separation time, you can demonstrate this debt.

This goes for any and all household bills and expenditure. Keep track of absolutely everything.

Best of luck. I don't know what course of action your solicitor has recommended, but you probably really should start separation proceedings, if possible.

LegacyUser

My heart goes out to you. I have been in this position before except he didn't have another woman (more was the pity I would have got rid of him sooner) I have to say it was one of the darkest most depressing times of my life but in my case it went on for years not months.

Please hang in there. I know this is a living hell. I just about managed to protect my credit rating. Like your case he would spend and spend on luxuries and leave me to pick up all the mortgage/bills everything. After a while I became like a robot. There was so many complications to get through. The land registry had never registered the house in our names and tons more legal stuff, It took me over 2 years to sort it out. I had to go to a TD in the end.

I know you don't want to be a bore to others about it and I understand that but you have to confide in people to stay sane. Start bringing people in and out of the house, he won't like that, He would probably prefer you to be isolated and get worn down.

I know it's a living nightmare. What you have to do is harden yourself and not rise to any of his wind ups. Also you have to make the house a place he is not comfortable living in.

Take in a lodger. There is nothing he can do about that. If there is another presence in the house, he will not get away with as much of his obnoxious behaviour as now and also you will have a few bob coming in.

You have to out manouever him. You have to be strong. I spent months and years on my knees psychologically and physically, he wouldn't let me sleep, drinking and raging around the house for hours at night. Dragging me out of bed by the hair etc etc

BUT I was able to gather together inner resources I would have never believed I had. Mine was an alcoholic and also obsessive about me unfortunately -he used to turn up everywhere I would go. I couldn't get a new life going at all and he resisted my attempts to get out, but I won in the end. I kept one little kernel of me inside that I used to keep building back up again and again every time he knocked me down. You can do it.

You are much stronger than him. He is weak, remember that. This will not go on forever, think of this time as an investment in you. Your future, why should he ruin your credit rating?
Dont let him. He is a petty assh0le.

kkibos

Hi OP,

Setup a new account and get your salary paid in to this account. Then transfer half the mortgage amount to the old account every month. Let the bank chase him for his half. You will also have a paper trail that you have kept up your side of the payments.

Sir Ophiuchus

kkibos wrote: »

Hi OP,

Setup a new account and get your salary paid in to this account. Then transfer half the mortgage amount to the old account every month. Let the bank chase him for his half. You will also have a paper trail that you have kept up your side of the payments.

That's not necessarily a good idea. She's said she's talked to the bank and they're not willing to accommodate her. If she does what I suggest I suspect the bank will just claim they've both defaulted on the loan.

However, I'm not a solicitor and you really need to get legal advice. You say you've spoken to a solicitor about pensions. Have you discussed your other issues and options with him as well?

dudara

kkibos wrote: »

Hi OP,

Setup a new account and get your salary paid in to this account. Then transfer half the mortgage amount to the old account every month. Let the bank chase him for his half. You will also have a paper trail that you have kept up your side of the payments.

Do not do this. If it your bank account that the payments are coming from, then that is where the bank will go looking. They won't particulary care if he is supposed to be paying 50% - they will want to receive a single 100% payment.

harps90

i moved out, could'nt stand it any more.solicitor said it will be viewed as constructive desertion.i know my credit rating will be affected,but,you know what i think its a small price to pay.good luck.

LegacyUser

Well done for having the courage, you did the right thing, think of all the crap your leaving behind -him and the feckin house! you can redeem your credit rating in the future but your health is more important now, you will be stronger on your own.

Best of luck, wishing you all the goodness life has to offer xxx

LegacyUser

harps90 wrote: »

i moved out, could'nt stand it any more.solicitor said it will be viewed as constructive desertion.i know my credit rating will be affected,but,you know what i think its a small price to pay.good luck.

Ah, sure, the times that are in it, EVERYBODY'S credit rating is going down the tubes...who wants to be the odd man out anyway?

You did the right thing...I don't even understand how you stayed sane.

harps90

since moving out,life could'nt be better,able to see the big picture now and make some sort of plans for the future.you just can't do that when your still living together.its tough sometimes and am certainly not looking forward to the hassle to come regarding the house,but i'll live and more importantly be happy and sane!!