bf smokes weed and sleeps all day

marigold29

So what are the deal breakers? Loving someone is one thing, and I do love my boyfriend very much, but what about the practicalities?

Is love all that matters?

For one thing I work 9-5 and I actually don't mind waking up in the morning, i quite like mornings and I enjoy doing things during the day. He's a night-owl. He is in college evenings and he stays up most of the night, and consequently sleeps most of the next day.

We don't live together, in fact live in seperate parts of the country and so when we see eachother it would be nice to be on the same time schedule but as it is it's opposite. He just won't sleep at night!!! I guess he'll never change but can I live with it?

Has anyone else lived with a man who sleeps all day and stays awake all night?

It actually prevents us from ever doing anything together that involves being up during the day. If Itry and wake him in the morning he goes nuts, doesn't know whats going on. It takes him literally hours to come into consciousness.
I mean we can't live together now but what if we ever did? I couldn't cope just for this reason alone never mind anything else.
He smokes weed and I think this has alot to do with it but he insists it doesn't. I know other people that smoke it and they get up during the day. I hate him smoking so much but what can I do..?

In an otherwise perfect relationship (he's loving, kind, warm, supportive and loves me very much) how can something like this be a dealbreaker?

Does anyone else have a boyfriend who's like this? what do you do? I want to make it work but it annoys me that I have to nag him about this all the time. He says people shouldn't have to be on a time schedule and that it comes naturally for him to be nocturnal.

CDfm

marigold29 wrote: »

So what are the deal breakers?

Does anyone else have a boyfriend who's like this? what do you do? I want to make it work but it annoys me that I have to nag him about this all the time. He says people shouldn't have to be on a time schedule and that it comes naturally for him to be nocturnal.

A dealbreaker is something unacceptable that threatens the relationship.

BTW what age are you both?

No - I don't think nocturnal is normal unless you are a bat or on nightshift in work. Nights are for sleeping.

shellyboo

marigold29 wrote: »

Is love all that matters?

Sadly not. If only it were that easy!


You have an unliveable situation here at the moment. It's absolutely not unreasonable for you to want to occasionally spend time with your boyfriend on YOUR terms, in daylight hours. He can't have it 100% his way.

He needs to compromise - but it doesn't sound like he's willing to. He wants you to work to HIS timescale, while at the same time refusing to work to yours.

If the weed is a factor, then I'd be of the opinion that you should ask him to stop. I'd say the same if it was cigarettes, alcohol, or any addiction that was negatively affecting your relationship. People are more important than that stuff.

finbarrk

I think you'll have to find someone better marigold. This is never going to work if you live together. It will be a life of arguments.

Madame Razz

My OH is generally Jetlagged when I see him so I empathise with you OP. He used to be an ignorant cnut about it aswell until I got quite upset about it once, ao he's made more of an effort since.

I know how frustrating the sleep issue can be, and your OH has no good reason for it tbh. If you only get to see one another occasionally then IMO the least he can do is try to make an effort.

The weed is also something he should be prepared to compromise on. It isn't necessarily causing him to sleep more, but rather is inducing laziness and lethargy and disinterest. It's also causing him to see things in terms of a little 'people shouldn't have a schedule' bubble.

Unless he's willing to change then nothing will change I'm afraid, and if he doesn't respect the fact that the sleep and the weed annoy you, well then I don't think that he has a lot of respect for you.

You need to sit him down and talk about this, give him an ultimatum if necessary.


This can be worked thru very successfully, but only if he wants to.

It also sounds like he could do with doing a bit of growing up.

seahorse

marigold29 wrote: »

Is love all that matters?

Maybe if you're sixteen. In the adult world love is not nearly enough; you've got to add mutual respect and consideration to a relationship before it's got even a fighting chance. I don't mean to be hurtful, but it doesn't sound to me like you've got that.

Also, it sounds like your bloke has a lot of growing up to do. Unless he has an occupation that keeps him up all night there is no excuse for laying on his arse in bed all day. He needs to lay of the weed and start living in the real world. If I were you I'd make that my parting shot - on my way out the door!

JimmyCrackCorn!

He sounds exactly like friends i once had and now stay away from as its a part of my life im glad is over.

OP i wouldn't expect miracles but id have a talk with him tell him the truth about how you feel. He will either compromise or not. You need to think about is there a future in a relationship like this.

Allot of floks will chime in and say never date a guy who smokes weed, hes a .... you not them and there situations will be different to yours. You need to make a decision based on its merits and your feelings.

I will say though if you think his live revolves around smoking and this is all he does which you haven't said but have hinted at, be warned that he could be doing the same thing in 5 years time and its likely nothing may change.

If its only occasional usage and he does have something in his life other than this like a social life and activities, goals that hes working towards, id be less concerned.


Sorry OP at the end of the day its up to you if its what you want, id re-read your opening post though and just have a think.

Nevyn

Some people are more natrually nocturnal then others.
Left to my own schedule I'd sleep until 11am and be up until 4am
but the world doesn't work that way and he's going to have to make an effort
to spend time with you and go on dates.

I at one stage dated someone who worked nights and was a habitual user and despite
me being a night owl it was an issue due to the sheer lethargy caused by smoking that crap. Not being able to be up and functioning to go see a movie at 8pm, not being able to do anything or go anywhere at the weekends.

I know you care about him but he has to want to spend time with you and go on dates,
don't be the one always comprimising, if he cares for you he will make an effort ot meet you half way at least.

aisling.laura

my OH is quite nocturnal and often stays up late and sleeps very late in the day. it used to bother me and be a source of constant annoyance that we weren't on the same sleeping pattern, especially when i'd spend the night with him.

however with time he saw it was becoming a problem and now makes a huge effort to get up and do things with me during the daytime. we end up usually only doing things in the evenings, however he is unemployed at the minute and so i realise he doesn't have as much of an incentive to get up early in the mornings, so this is a compromise i can live with.

OP i think that you and your boyfriend need to reach a compromise on the issue, otherwise it won't work. i know how frustrating it can feel to never spend time doing things together and your boyfriend should understand this and want to change things.

hope it works out.

dirtydress

I'd be really interested to hear how old the couple are. He sounds like he has a lot of growing up to do. He clearly has no responsibilities which require him to get up during the day so he's gotten into a bad sleeping pattern. Question is, is he willing to make an effort to be more sociable or does he want to continue this forever?

marigold29

I'm 28 and he's 26!! Maybe thats the problem.

He does sort of make an effort to get up at some stage, if I make a fuss, but I literally have to pansy around making soothing noises for about an hour before he'll stir!! It drives me mad!

At the same time because he has lectures in the evening he does have a point when he says he's on different time scales. I have to be up at 7am, he would only be going to bed then.

It annoys me even though that he wouldn't have any desire to be up in daylight, like to enjoy day-time things like the beach or going for walks.

I'm a naturally busy person and I like to fill my time (and my life) with as much as I can, while I can. He has no concept of time and makes no plans, just drifts through his day (life).

But maybe thats just the weed??

Or maybe it's because he's young and/or a student? But he's not that young, and we've been together 2 and a half years.

Another thing is that when I first met him he didn't smoke much , but used to be crazy into partying/recreational drugs/club scene/staying up for 3 days solid that kind of thing. I asked him to cut it out and to a very large extent he did, he started studying part time, bought an xbox and took up weed!!

So from his side he's changed a fair bit already.

They always say women aren't supposed to change men, and God knows you don't start out thinking you'll change them, or even that you'd ever be bothered you're a**e changing them! But then it just happens and all of a sudden the way they are just drives you nuts. It's not like you love them less, in fact you probably love them more but their lifestyle/tastes/habits just become a problem.

Thank God for work and friends because men are so difficult!!

hollis12

marigold29 wrote: »

So what are the deal breakers? Loving someone is one thing, and I do love my boyfriend very much, but what about the practicalities?

Is love all that matters?

For one thing I work 9-5 and I actually don't mind waking up in the morning, i quite like mornings and I enjoy doing things during the day. He's a night-owl. He is in college evenings and he stays up most of the night, and consequently sleeps most of the next day.

We don't live together, in fact live in seperate parts of the country and so when we see eachother it would be nice to be on the same time schedule but as it is it's opposite. He just won't sleep at night!!! I guess he'll never change but can I live with it?

Has anyone else lived with a man who sleeps all day and stays awake all night?

It actually prevents us from ever doing anything together that involves being up during the day. If Itry and wake him in the morning he goes nuts, doesn't know whats going on. It takes him literally hours to come into consciousness.
I mean we can't live together now but what if we ever did? I couldn't cope just for this reason alone never mind anything else.
He smokes weed and I think this has alot to do with it but he insists it doesn't. I know other people that smoke it and they get up during the day. I hate him smoking so much but what can I do..?

In an otherwise perfect relationship (he's loving, kind, warm, supportive and loves me very much) how can something like this be a dealbreaker?

Does anyone else have a boyfriend who's like this? what do you do? I want to make it work but it annoys me that I have to nag him about this all the time. He says people shouldn't have to be on a time schedule and that it comes naturally for him to be nocturnal.

well have a chat with him about it first the there may be a underlying reason for his behaviour, it would be silly to throw the relationship away for a thing that he might be willing to change

shellyboo

I'm sorry, at 26 years of age, student or no, not getting out of bed all day and refusing to be a functioning human being is unacceptable. Completely and totally.

OP, I wouldn't have the patience for him. I know that's completely harsh, but is it not kind of... unattractive to you that he just doesn't give a crap about anything? That kind of apathy would be a huge turnoff for me.

If he can't be arsed to make the effort to get out of his bloody bed to try and improve your relationship, can you imagine what he'd be like if you guys had kids? What if he had a job? How would he cope?!

He's well able to change if he wants to... he just doesn't want to. That's what it comes down to. And that would be a dealbreaker for me. Ultimatum time methinks.

Darthhoob

maybe he is a vampire! :eek:

seriously though he needs to compromise more, i mean i am a nightowl, could quite easily stay up till 4-5-6..whatever..no matter what time i get up. but as i have kids to look after i have to get up in the morning, doesn't stop me not being able to sleep at night though :rolleyes:

have to say it but weed did seem to make my OH quite 'lazy' i still do have to drag him out of bed some mornings, but he gets up now...without too much of a fuss whereas when he was on weed...i couldn't wake him up hardly at all...or really do anything.

in regards to the weed, dont nag him..that is the worst thing you can do. my OH was nagged by his ex to stop weed, stop smoking, stop drinking, stop seeing hsi mates etc..and he didn't listen to her..he carried on on the sly. i've never nagged him (seriously he tells me off for not nagging him enough...never happy :rolleyes:) and he quit because after i told him how it affected our relationship (esp as i had a kid), and money. he gave up weed..completely. and as we spend all our spare time together and i can smell a spilff from a mile off i know he hasn't cheated on it....yet lol...it has been 3 years now

he needs to want to quit weed.basically needs to want to make more effort, if he is not willing to do that....then you have no relationship x

CDfm

Marigold it looks like he has a bit of growing up to do.

Darthoob talks sense.

kjl

Im exactly like your other half, I am a total night bird.

If left to my own demise I would turn day into night and night into day.

I don't see what the problem is on your behalf. Have you ever considered having dates that didn't take place before 2pm in the day?

I take it you work and see him on the weekends, do you not enjoy a nice sleep in on Saturdays? Do you not go out at night time.

Easy up, if he is loving and caring and treats you well then this is a small issue if you ask me.

Dub_girl_101

marigold29 wrote: »

It actually prevents us from ever doing anything together that involves being up during the day.

Does anyone else have a boyfriend who's like this? what do you do? I want to make it work but it annoys me that I have to nag him about this all the time. He says people shouldn't have to be on a time schedule and that it comes naturally for him to be nocturnal.

You've just described my boyfriend! The similarity is unreal. My boyfriend is the exact same, he's smokes weed a lot also, he works about 3 days a week where he's on a normal daily schedule but the remainder of the week he's exactly as you described, asleep all day, awake all night.

I know exactly how you feel when you say it annoys you that you have to keep nagging him cuz in my case when i do that he goes nuts and tells me to give him a break.

Tbh I don't know what to do myself.