Burnt by old flame

LegacyUser

A few of us were out one night a while back having a few drinks and minding our own business. That was fine until this guy came over to me all smiles asking me how I was. At first I didn't know him, then remembered him as a guy I dated casually in my early 20s. We're both late 30s now and knew each other as part of the same group in our 20s.
I was smitten with him back then but he was a real player, arrogance personnified and treated me badly so I was a bit cool with him. Even so the old chemistry was there and I haven't felt that sort of chemistry with anyone for a very long time. Despite this I tried to avoid him because of the past. This didn't work and as the night wore on he hung in there and we ended up having a chat. He seemed to have been humbled a bit by a few hard knocks and came across as being a more decent guy than before.

We left together and drifted back to his place, chatting and catching up on 13 years along the way. We shared a bottle of wine and ended up in his bed. He was all for taking things further and I wasn't but he didn't give up. He told me about his problems with commitment, how he gets lonely when he travels with work and about his current gf who lives in another country. I remember saying "I have to go now, I didn't realise you were going out with someone" but I ended up staying there and the inevitable happened. When I look back I feel a right eejit and the worst sort of b**** imaginable but he didn't tell me he was going out with someone until I was in his bed and it didn't seem to bother him.

I left the next day and have felt like s*** ever since. It has always been a principle for me to NEVER EVER go near anyone who is attached in any way. I violated that principle and hate myself now. If anyone else did this I would judge them very harshly (ok, maybe not now as I've been there myself). It was bad enough giving in to this guy who is clearly still a player, but giving in to him when I knew he had a girlfriend is unforgiveable. The fact that it was a one off and I'd never done this sort of thing before and will not do it again doesn't make it any easier to bear. Has anyone else had this sort of experience where your heart rules your head for a night and if so how did you forgive yourself afterwards?

metrovelvet

He may not have a girlfriend. He may have just said that to you so you know in no uncertain terms not to call him next week or to expect him to call you.

For a few moments your morals left you. No one is morally pure. Try to put it behind you and not do it again.

kittenkiller

Give yourself a break.
Try to see it as an end to an old relationship and move on.

What's done is done and nothing can be undone.

He was the one with the relationship and commitment, you hurt nobody.

We all make mistakes, give yourself a break OP.
Good luck.

daisybelle2008

Put it down to experience. Sounds like he has not changed all that much and is still treating his gf's like ****. Jumping straight into the sack can lead to this sort of problem as you don't get a chance to suss out the other persons circumstances and see if they are genuine. Alright if it is no strings fun but there was some emotion and history involved here.

LegacyUser

daisybelle2008 wrote: »

Put it down to experience. Sounds like he has not changed all that much and is still treating his gf's like ****. Jumping straight into the sack can lead to this sort of problem as you don't get a chance to suss out the other persons circumstances and see if they are genuine. Alright if it is no strings fun but there was some emotion and history involved here.

Thanks for the advice. He definitely has a gf because he was asking me for advice on LDRs. His relationship history is very checkered and from what he told me he picks relationships that are hard to make work. He said that I was the first person he cheated on her with and he wouldn't have done it with anyone else. I felt so sh**y over that like I was some kind of Jezebel. I don't usually jump straight into the sack with guys but it was the emotion and history that got to me. I didn't apply normal rules to him because being with him felt like being 22 again when we were more innocent. He broke my heart back then and he got to me again this time.

The only thing to do is put it behind me and not do it again.

daisybelle2008

Ashen lady wrote: »

Thanks for the advice. He definitely has a gf because he was asking me for advice on LDRs. His relationship history is very checkered and from what he told me he picks relationships that are hard to make work. He said that I was the first person he cheated on her with and he wouldn't have done it with anyone else. I felt so sh**y over that like I was some kind of Jezebel. I don't usually jump straight into the sack with guys but it was the emotion and history that got to me. I didn't apply normal rules to him because being with him felt like being 22 again when we were more innocent. He broke my heart back then and he got to me again this time.

The only thing to do is put it behind me and not do it again.

Think of yourself as lucky, you are not his girlfriend being cheated on and you are not him i.e someone who is not able to have a normal relationship, plus you learned a bit more about protecting your emotions in future. So not a loss, more life experience in the bigger scheme of things.

kittenkiller

Ashen lady wrote: »

He said that I was the first person he cheated on her with and he wouldn't have done it with anyone else. I felt so sh**y over that like I was some kind of Jezebel.

Don't feel like that, he probably would have said anything at that point.
He was probably just trying to make you feel special.
I doubt you were the 1st.
Probably not even the 1st that day!
Guys like that have years of experience talking people into doing what they want.
Give yourself a break.