worried

LegacyUser

hey im going to try keep this brief cause my gf uses boards the odd time so i dont want her getting upset.
Basicly a lad my girlfriend went to school with took his life at the weekend and she seems to be very upset about it. theres a history of suicide in her family so i guess that its bringing it all back. we were supposed to meet up saturday night but for obvious reasons she didnt want to cause she was upset. I offered to go over to her yesterday and be there for her if she wanted to talk or anything but she refused point blank. She has barely text me either which is very unusual for her, and when she does text its only a few words, which again is very unusual. Im just very worried about her at the moment and feel kind of useless as a boyfriend. Im wondering is there something i should do? I dont want to upset her though.

wolfric

Space. let her know ONCE you're there for her... If you push it too much you're just going to delay the process and it's going to end up taking longer for her to sort things out for herself

shellyboo

dontknow3 wrote: »

hey im going to try keep this brief cause my gf uses boards the odd time so i dont want her getting upset.
Basicly a lad my girlfriend went to school with took his life at the weekend and she seems to be very upset about it. theres a history of suicide in her family so i guess that its bringing it all back. we were supposed to meet up saturday night but for obvious reasons she didnt want to cause she was upset. I offered to go over to her yesterday and be there for her if she wanted to talk or anything but she refused point blank. She has barely text me either which is very unusual for her, and when she does text its only a few words, which again is very unusual. Im just very worried about her at the moment and feel kind of useless as a boyfriend. Im wondering is there something i should do? I dont want to upset her though.

Just be there for her. Don't place any demands on her - let her grieve in her own way. Some people need to be alone at times like theses, others prefer to have people around.

She'll come to you when she's ready.

LegacyUser

hey op here again, thanks for your replies. she hasnt been in contact at all today yet so im just going to do what ye guys told me and give her space. hopefully she'll contact me in her own time but i hope she doesnt think that im not thinking about her??

LegacyUser

hey op here again. text her to ask her if she was ok and now she says she thinks we should break up! Im heart broken. I told her i was willing to wait until she was ready but she didnt want me to. im so confused because things were going great before this death occured!

LegacyUser

Oh OP that's terrible.
Unfortunately you're a victim in the situation. I'm afraid your girlfriend is going through a really rough time right now. She obviously feels she can't cope, and she needs to concentrate on herself. All you can do is be friends to her. Maybe she will come around in time. But I'd give her the space. I know you probably don't want to hear that, but this is very tough on her too, and it'll take her time to get over it.I doubt it's anything to do with you personally. It's probably everything to do with the fact that she just about feels she can get herself through every day, and having a boyfriend to think about might just be too much extra. I know that sounds stupid, but I've been there, I know how it feels..

LegacyUser

ohdear wrote: »

Oh OP that's terrible.
Unfortunately you're a victim in the situation. I'm afraid your girlfriend is going through a really rough time right now. She obviously feels she can't cope, and she needs to concentrate on herself. All you can do is be friends to her. Maybe she will come around in time. But I'd give her the space. I know you probably don't want to hear that, but this is very tough on her too, and it'll take her time to get over it.I doubt it's anything to do with you personally. It's probably everything to do with the fact that she just about feels she can get herself through every day, and having a boyfriend to think about might just be too much extra. I know that sounds stupid, but I've been there, I know how it feels..

thanks for your reply. i know its very tough, its just so confusing how we can be getting along so well before this happened and then bang our lives are turned upside down. I know that she's going through hell and i really thought that i cud help her get through it. im absolutely heartbroken at the moment. The worst thing is its her birthday in just over a weeks time and i have her present bought. now i dunno should i post it too her or just leave it be.

AMK

A very close friend of my son committed suicide three years ago. Afterwards, my son went completely into himself and shut himself off from everybody who didn't know his friend really well. There was no talking to him for at least a year. All I could do was let him know I was there. He rejected all attempts at comfort and help, was angry and even aggressive at times which was totally out of character for him.

He pushed away anybody who didn't know his friend well. Rejected them totally. All I could do was wait. And not take personally his rejection of me. As his mother, of course my position was different to yours but having watched over my son through this I honestly believe that unless you have experienced this yourself there is no way you can understand fully how somebody feels when they lose somebody to suicide. If I had listened to my son after his friend died, I would have had no contact with him from that point on. I trod carefully with him but I felt he was so sick from grief he didn't really know what he was doing or saying half the time.

I think you have to take it at face value that your girlfriend has broken it off but if you really care about her don't go away. Give her the space she needs but let her know you're there. Post her the present, with a loving note. Don't let her think you have gone away, she has suffered a bad loss and although she has created this second loss herself she most likely doesn't understand why she broke up with you. She can't cope right now.

Be aware that she could be a long time getting over this and it could change her. 3 years later, my son has come to terms with his loss but he is not the same young man he was. He was your average 21 year old. He is now 24 and is nearly too mature for his age in a lot of ways.

LegacyUser

AMK wrote: »

A very close friend of my son committed suicide three years ago. Afterwards, my son went completely into himself and shut himself off from everybody who didn't know his friend really well. There was no talking to him for at least a year. All I could do was let him know I was there. He rejected all attempts at comfort and help, was angry and even aggressive at times which was totally out of character for him.

He pushed away anybody who didn't know his friend well. Rejected them totally. All I could do was wait. And not take personally his rejection of me. As his mother, of course my position was different to yours but having watched over my son through this I honestly believe that unless you have experienced this yourself there is no way you can understand fully how somebody feels when they lose somebody to suicide. If I had listened to my son after his friend died, I would have had no contact with him from that point on. I trod carefully with him but I felt he was so sick from grief he didn't really know what he was doing or saying half the time.

I think you have to take it at face value that your girlfriend has broken it off but if you really care about her don't go away. Give her the space she needs but let her know you're there. Post her the present, with a loving note. Don't let her think you have gone away, she has suffered a bad loss and although she has created this second loss herself she most likely doesn't understand why she broke up with you. She can't cope right now.

Be aware that she could be a long time getting over this and it could change her. 3 years later, my son has come to terms with his loss but he is not the same young man he was. He was your average 21 year old. He is now 24 and is nearly too mature for his age in a lot of ways.

thank you very much for your reply. we ended things on a relatively bad note. She basicly dumped me over a text and i asked her why she was doing this and she cudnt explain. and i will admit i was upset when she told me this and we ended just saying bye over a text message. Im now regretting this as i never wanted things to end this way so im thinking of just sending her a text to say im sorry and that i understand she needs space right now and that i hope we can remain friends. would this be appropriate or would it just push her father away?