wants to experience being single

LegacyUser

Hey,

me and my gf have been going out for 2 and a half years and have just began 2nd year in different colleges in Dublin. We see one another maybe once during the week when we're busy and again probably twice at the weekend, and it's a great relaitionship we have, with us not having problems or worries about the other going out with college. It's not a burden basically. We've had our ups and downs, but we are both one anothers best friends and know each other better than anyone else. We get on unbelieveably well.

Yesterday she told me whilst quiet upset that she "wants to experience being single", and that we've been together so long and can't see us ever ending because we hardly ever argue or the likes. But she doesn't want to lose our relationship at the same time so doesn't really know what she wants to do. She still loves me and says she'll always like me regardless of whether we're together or not. Her ideal world would be for us to get married one day she says, but she wants to experience all these things in the mean time. We've broken up before and got back together, after she admitted it was a mistake and she loves me being a part of her life.

What am I to make of this. She was very upset saying this, and she sent me a messae before going to bed saying sorry for mentioning it and she probably shouldn't have. She also said she had been thinking about it for a while but never said anything because, well frankly we just get on so well. Eveything has been fine today,a cting like normal but obviously it's been on my mind

My response was we're getting on so we'll, why end it for such a silly reason when we're both happy and getting on so well!?

What should I do? Leave her some time to make up her mind, but then I don't wanna be the eejit waiting around to find out the answer!?

Any advice would be great.

opinion guy

Maybe you should ask this girl for advice ?
http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2055701150

eviltwin

It sounds like she's more or less made up her mind OP.

I know its hard to understand when there are no obvious issues going on but maybe thats the problem. Maybe her life in her college is just moving on in a direction that takes her away from you, it might not cause you to be at loggerheads but it might make her feel as if the spark has gone.

Perhaps the break is something you both need, you got together at a young age and you're both experiencing things now that make you different people to who you were when you first connected. It wouldnt be the first time it happens.

Either way if she has been thinking about this for a while its doubtful anything you say or do is going to make her reconsider.

CDfm

OP - this sounds very like I want to do my own thing and have you as a fall back or have an open relationship.

Some people that works for but it wouldn't for me. Its either exclusivity or nothing.

If she is being upset at the way the relationship is going well thats one thing but I would ask if she has found someone else and is spinning?I don't know why she is upset as she is the person doing the break-up.

Whichever, if her proposal doesn't do it for you just say it straight.

opinion guy

nah you guys are being too cynical (and bear in mind, i'm in cynical mood today).

OP what age are you guys ? 20 or so ? to some extent whats shes feelign is pretty normal. you guys going out couple of years and she is no doubt seeing all her friends out having "fun" and is wondering if she is missing out. And to some extent she is maybe right. BUT sounds like what you guys ahve is actually pretty good and she is perhaps too young to realise thats quite rare and she is lucky and that the "fun" all her friends seem to be having really isn't all that. and I don't think she has made up her mind like the others are saying. i actually think she is being pretty straight up with you and talking to you about it and given you some input into whatever happens next.

In terms of what you can do - i don't really think you can do much except let her figure it out and be willing to talk about it and to let her know you think what you have is great and you want to keep it going.

CDfm

opinion guy wrote: »

nah you guys are being too cynical (and bear in mind, i'm in cynical mood today).

Not really but a person can't split up on their own terms and talk about their future together at the same time. I want to see what is available and if it doesn't work out I will get back with you.Thats screwy.

The OP has a say too on what is right for him and has a duty to himself on whats acceptable.Lots of guys have problems taking an ex back if they have been with someone else.

So the OP needs to ask the pertinent questions and be comfortable.

Wibbs

My 2 cents? She likes you, she loves you, she loves and likes you enough that as she says she could imagine you as a good husband and father down the line. All good, but she's not as excited by you at the moment. It's a little bit too comfy. The 3 year itch is in full swing(the 2 1/2 itch in your case). She loves you, but maybe she's started to look at other guys and is confused as to what this means in relation to that love for you. That's where this is coming from IMHO. Now if she was say 28, this may come up, but there would be more of a future thing going on. In college at her age with all the possibilities of both going on? Not so easy to navigate or "fix".

You could go on as now, but sooner or later she may well jump ship. I would say the way to go is to bring some of that excitement of the early days back. If you feel you've gotten into a bit of a rut, the places you go, the people you see when out, the things you do etc, then mix it up a bit. Surprise her. Suggest new things for the pair of you to do. Catch her off guard. Recapture the excitement.

secondchance

Hi lovelylad, opinionguy reckoned my situation is similar to yours so I'll give you my tuppence worth! About two years ago I was in the same position as you are now, well except I was the one needing space, like your girlfriend. I was still in college whereas he had finished and was working so we were at slightly different stages of life maturity-wise plus I also had some personal issues I needed some space to resolve. I definitely think that when people meet so young, they can need some time apart to experience life on their own and as cliched as it sounds "find themselves". If I could go back to that time now I would still break it off all over again but approach it differently, as in my case I basically fecked off on J1 and we never really had a sit-down "this is why I feel this way" discussion and I feel so guilty to this day that I was so flippant about it as this guy is really amazing and I'd give anything to be in a relationship with him again. The fact that your girlfriend is so upset about this and is telling you she sees ye having a future together is so positive and I would take her on her word. She is obviously trying to put it out of her mind now that she needs space but it won't be easily ignored. I think if I could go back in time, the breakup would have been different, I would have explained my reasons, like your girlfriend is doing, and then I think ye should cut contact for a definite amount of time, three months, six months, a year, whatever seems appropriate and set a date to meet up and see how things are then. Don't discuss if either of ye has been dating other people, it's irrelevant and only serves to hurt each other. The reason I would cut contact is that otherwise it's not really getting space if ye still have the comfort blanket of each other to fall back on when ye are feeling lonely. Yes it will suck but in the longterm if it's meant to be it will happen. If ye are meant to end up together, your love won't disappear and this will definitely make ye all the stronger and value each other all the more.

Wagon

lovelylad wrote: »

What should I do? Leave her some time to make up her mind, but then I don't wanna be the eejit waiting around to find out the answer!?

Then don't. If i was told this id end the relationship but im one of these bollocks's that look at things in black and white. If my girlfriend told me that she wanted to have "fun" id understand but i'd be gone for good. There's no real massive age difference between us either. im just one of those people that when they love someone they want to keep them and arent interested in anyone else.

Ultimately, she loves you but wants to be with other people. Pretty natural stuff. You have two options.

1. You can split up for one year or so and then see how you feel about each other down the line. She has her fun, then she gets to go back to you at the end of it. (you need to be prepared that she could meet someone else, that she'll certainly be with other blokes in the meantime and there's no gaurentee she'll still love you at the end of it)

2. you break up completely (and move on with your life without her)

There's no right and wrong choice, just the one that works for you.

CDfm

Wagon wrote: »

Then don't. If i was told this id end the relationship but im one of these bollocks's that look at things in black and white. If my girlfriend told me that she wanted to have "fun" id understand but i'd be gone for good. There's no real massive age difference between us either. im just one of those people that when they love someone they want to keep them and arent interested in anyone else.

Ultimately, she loves you but wants to be with other people. Pretty natural stuff. You have two options.

1. You can split up for one year or so and then see how you feel about each other down the line. She has her fun, then she gets to go back to you at the end of it. (you need to be prepared that she could meet someone else, that she'll certainly be with other blokes in the meantime and there's no gaurentee she'll still love you at the end of it)

2. you break up completely (and move on with your life without her)

There's no right and wrong choice, just the one that works for you.

That is fairly sound advice.There is no guarantee that you would want to be with her after it.

In my book, you would proceed with life not expecting to get back together.

Moomoo1

There are two broad approaches here.

1) The relationship isn't exciting enough - so make it so! Surprises, weekends away, that sort of stuff: basically sweep her off her feet. The important thing is to have _you_ always take initiative in things.

2) The hard truth is that if you had looked like/were Daniel Radcliffe/Orlando Bloom/Tom Cruise/Bruce Willis (delete as applicable) she wouldn't want to be single. So tell her that you are breaking up with her because (in your opinion) she does not love you enough, and you feel let down and played around. And then cut contact on top of that. Then sit back with a pina colada and watch what happens.

Of course, neither of those are fail-safe. She could elope with a Spanish waiter on the dream holiday in option 1) and not come back crawling to you in option 2). But both of those beat doing nothing and just letting her call the shots. The important things is for you to seize the initiative.

LegacyUser

Thansk for the replies people!

I'm still in limbo, like since the whole convo happened things have been more or less fine, with the only annoying thing has that it has been constantly in my head!

Oh and we share the one main group of friends, so complete cutoff ain't really possible, which makes it that much harder!

Ah I duno....

CDfm

sit down with her and have that talk

LegacyUser

Moomoo1 wrote: »

1) The relationship isn't exciting enough -

2) The hard truth is that if you had looked like/were Daniel Radcliffe/Orlando Bloom/Tom Cruise/Bruce Willis

This is not always the case, you could tick both of the above and this could still happen.
Woman like to think they have lived a full life and not missed out on anything.
a) They think I'm young I should be out meeting other guys, so I will do that.
b) One night stands, woman decide before they go out that they are going to have a one night stand. It's not because the guy is so hot or charming, it's because they want to experience the thrill of a one night stand. Guy walk home from a ONS saying yes I got laid, woman walk home saying look at me I'm a modern woman who had a ONS.
c) Getting married, I have slept with a good few engaged woman who wanted to have a final fling before they got married, they just wanted to be a bit naughty and they think a final fling will keep them from straying in their marriage.

For course there are other reasons for a,b,c but woman do things that might seem irrational because they feel they need to experience them.

Moomoo1

This is an age-old argument that we probably shouldn't be getting into here. I think it is still true though that if one partner attempts to make the relationship more exciting and/or is not prepared to take s**t from the other, then a), b) or c) are less likely to happen.

Of course, some people will (whether by the way of their own nature compelling them, or by the way of being pressured into it by the prevalent stereotypes of our society) feel the need to do a), b) and c) no matter what their partners do. But the more exiting the relationship, the more they respect their partner, the less likely it is.

Wibbs

I agree with Moomoo1. The excitement has to remain. Now I don't mean madness every day, but getting into a rut and taking the relationhsip for granted has to be avoided. I've seen really good couples go south for good over this point. Couples that objectively should have stayed together. It was often regretted down the line too.

I also agree that if one partner has boundaries and is secure in themselves and the knowledge that while a spilt would really hurt them, they know that hurt will pass and they will love again, the other partner will be much less likely to stray or think of straying.Goes for both genders but IMHO goes double for men.

Now this is my humble, but there's other aspects to this too. Compatibility and timing.

Compatibility. Some aren't compatible as people, but for the first months or years the romance keeps them there. Again those heady years of the in love bit. When those feelings subside they are left with another person that they don't actually gel with(and that can come as a shock). Then they go south. Which is a good thing as I've seen enough couples like this that didn't and they soldier on not quite sure what's missing.

On the timing front, what is great for you at 18, might be a tremendous bore at 28 and a good case for homicide at 38. Some people are "destined" to be good for those three years or whatever of in love and no more.* That's the entirety of their story as a couple and it may be a wonderful story while it lasted but to stay together would be a mistake. Painful at the time to split yes, but when they look back with the benefit of hindsight a lot of relationships are like that.

You can also have timing issues where you are compatible you are have been and would be a great couple, but you just met at the wrong time, but the basic compatibility and lovey dovey stuff keeps them there until they go wallop over it. I've seen that one more than once. Some do reconnect, even decades later, but that's very rare IME and not to be waited around for.

I suspect the OP and his GF may be in that last one. The age of them both and their stage in life makes me think that. They sound very compatible. Good friends, love each other and she can imagine being married. That's pretty big. As I said if you were both in your late 20's I really doubt this convo would be happening.

OK I said about ramping up the excitement and that may well work. Another and far harder route (you'll need some liathroidi for this one) would be to agree with her, say you love her and want to be with her, but maybe a defined break to make sure might be a good plan, where you can both(stress both) be footloose and fancy free.. If she jumps at that and sticks to that then you may have your answer. Haaaaard one tho.



*That's the main reason I would tend not to take relationship advice from people who are only together 2 years. They're in the stage of "we'll always be together. He/she will always love me". I will look at and take relationship advice from those couples who are still together 10 years on. Big diff between the two. The latter are generally far more realistic and secure in themselves and the relationship.

G-Money

I'm not saying she's not entitled to "experience being single" but I think the fact that she has mentioned this is that she has pretty much made up her mind. Imagine you said that to her, what do you think her reaction would be? I think she'd assume that you want to break it off and see other girls. And unfortunately, I think she's saying that she wants to be single for a while and see other guys, as opposed to not being in a relationship and not seeing anyone else.

To be honest if I were you, if you's did end, I wouldn't hold out a lot of hope about getting back together. What I mean by that is, if you want to leave the option there to get back together in the future, you can. Just don't put your life on hold and be hoping against hope that she eventually comes back to you, when in reality she's off out doing whatever/whomever she wants. I know you don't want to think that she will be off with other guys but it's inevitable. It's like trying to stop the sun coming up in the morning.

When she says "I want to experience being single" what she means is "I want to be single so I can see/f*** other guys". I'm sure she doesn't mean "I want to be single, not in a relationship and I'm going to stay celibate". I'm sorry to say that dude.

Anyway she does seem to like you and you can't really force her to stay in a relationship with you if she's not settled or happy with that. You'll just end up resenting each other. If she wants to go off and be with other people, that's her decision. Just don't put your life on hold if she does or agree to be her emotional crutch while she's off out with other guys.

Hope it works out for you.

Moomoo1

I wouldn't be so sure she made up her mind. I think she is trying to decide what she wants more tbh. A bit like a kid in a sweet shop trying to decide between different flavour sweets.

And it's up to the OP to influence that decision as best he can in the ways I have described above.

liah

If she's young I'm not surprised she's feeling this. Is this her first serious relationship?

It's scary, kind of, thinking that you'll not be able to experience the same things all your friends are. It's unnerving, I went through kind of the same thing with my first serious relationship. While I loved him to bits, I wanted to know what it felt like to be with other people to try and figure out whether I was missing something, are all relationships like this, what are other people like, am I settling, etc.

It's confusing, I guess. I don't doubt for a second she really does love you, and maybe she wants to figure out whether you're the real thing or if you're the only thing she knows. You know?

A lot of people are saying cut it off for good; I'm not sure I agree with that. Maybe a year or two down the line she'll have figured out you actually are the one she wanted to be with because no one she'd been with since compared. It happens.

I can't really make this coherent because it's not exactly a black and white thing. You gotta figure this one out on your own.

G-Money

It's not exactly nice for the OP either. He's sitting there while she can't make up her mind what she wants. Although I think because she has actually brought it up that there's a good chance she has made her mind up.

You can only do so much and if she decides she wants to go off with other guys, that's her decision. However for your own sake, don't hang around and wait for her. If she decides to head off with other guys, make sure you aren't sitting by the phone waiting for the day she decides she wants you back. Number 1 it may never happen and number 2, even if it does, god knows how long it will be.

I know this will make you feel sick to your stomach but if she does decide to head off, she won't be living the life of a nun. She'll be off dating, kissing and s*****g other guys. Just make sure you are doing the same with other girls.

Moomoo1

By no means hang around and wait. In fact, there are many people who wouldn't even think of taking back a person who leaves them 'to live the high life' in this way.

But what we were asked is 'what can the OP do to maximise the chances of her staying?' And as I've said above, making things more exciting, and acting more assertive can only do (a world of) good in that respect. For some reason (unless I am very wrong) it's only the 'nice guys' who are mostly presented with this problem. Girlfriends of 'men's men' never seem to want to 'experience being single'. Or am I catching this board's incurable cynicism?

G-Money

I don't think I'd take a girl back who decided to swan off be single. I sort of don't believe in second chances that way. From my point of view when you give them a second chance, you are just giving them a second chance to mess you around again and flip flop over what they want.

You shouldn't have to be like a barrister trying to convince a jury to get someone to say with you. Of course no-one is perfect and we all have personality traits that aren't the best and could do with being improved. But you shouldn't have to sit there and convince, beg and plead for her to stay. It's perfectly ok to enhance the good aspects of your personality. Just don't become something you are not.

In my mind if a girl wants to be with a "bad boy" then she's welcome to him. But she shouldn't come crying back when he starts messing her around and treating her badly. It's stupid of her to expect any other outcome.

LegacyUser

Maybe I gave off the wrong impression.

1) There is no begging or pleading going on of any sorts!

2) There is no direct talk of specifically wanted to go off n get 'bad boys' whatsoever!

I think the main point and it's one I share a little is that we've been together so long at such a young age, and perhaps its like others have said, the person may be very happy in a solid loving relationship but looking on at friends/ college buds out being single one is obviously going to wonder what that experience is like!

3) At the time, she said she didn't want to lose me, and didnt neccisarily want to leave me now, but the thoughts will be in her mind and this whole thing might come back up again a few months down the line, if that makes sense!

And since this talk there hasn't been one mention if it, and things are very normal.

Moomoo1

well, I guess you have no excuse for resting on your laurels now :-). Get out there and make the relationship more exciting, so she won't wonder what's on the other side of the fence anymore.

Bottle_of_Smoke

I wouldn't be happy if my girlfriend was feeling this way. She sounds like the ideal candidate for cheating on you and then telling you it was a terrible mistake.

Blackpitts

Hey OP
i have a bad feeling about this, ususally it's only a matter of time before this conversation comes up again. In the meantime you stay in the limbo, but actually it's more like the hell.
I give you one piece of advice: tell her that you need a relationship with someone who is 100% sure of her feelings; taking some space and keep the friendship it's just a way to have your cake and eat it.
I know it's not easy to do and you will be feeling ****e after that but this is going to happen sooner or later anyway. She will do some experience, she will understand how many guys are out ther ready to use her and take all the benefits so at the end she will regret her decision, this is very likely to happen. But at that stage you will be fine with yourself again and you will have moved on.

remember: if you give time to a girl to think about stuff without pressure the end of the relationship will be very close. If you cut it now, she will realize immediately how precious you are to her.

advicewhore

let her figure it out. let her go be single for a while, go out with her friends etc, see what she thinks! but u do the same thing aswell, even if your not that bothered, but do not wait around for her to make up her mind! just take a break, both go and enjoy yourselves and you could be running back to each other within a week! its happened to two of my friends, they went single for about 2 weeks and are now back together another 2 or 3 years at this stage! it'll actually be better for you because if neither of you have experienced single life then you might only be sticking together because you dont know any better!!

CDfm

lovelylad wrote: »

And since this talk there hasn't been one mention if it, and things are very normal.

You are sortof avoiding it and hoping it goes away.

In that way arent you giving it tacit approval.If you get the chance will you play away?

Now I can get why you are staying quiet but the suggestions about spicing up the relationship seem to be going by the wayside. Also, you seem to be agreeing with her and thats hardly commitment either.

You are like a rabbitt dazzled by the headlights.

RossFixxxed

I'd let her start enjoying the single life by kicking her out on her ass and leaving her alone tbh.

Moomoo1

actually, I've changed my mind. I don't think it would be fair to break up with her: if you do you are just punishing her for being honest about her feelings. That way, even if she says 'oh no, I love you and I didn't mean it', she'll never ever be as honest with you again, your relations will be soured in the future. And she could even say 'well screw you, go ahead and break up'.

next time she mentions this, just say 'being single isn't all it's made out to be' and leave it at that. And try to spice up that relationship in the meantime'.

Wibbs

CDfm wrote: »

You are sortof avoiding it and hoping it goes away.

In that way arent you giving it tacit approval.If you get the chance will you play away?

Now I can get why you are staying quiet but the suggestions about spicing up the relationship seem to be going by the wayside. Also, you seem to be agreeing with her and thats hardly commitment either.

You are like a rabbitt dazzled by the headlights.

It does sound like that alright. IMHO this is a very common one for blokes to do in relationships. The "lets ignore what she said as she's not saying it anymore so bury the head in the sand and hope it goes away". Very common in all out arguments over a particular issue. "She's stopped shouting/crying/arguing. Must be sorted then". Dumb(I'll put good money the women out there know this one).

Now of course she could well have just said it because she wanted to get her thoughts out there and by getting them out it releases the pressure. That's cool, but it meant something or meant something for her when she said it. Don't ignore it and as CDfm said you need to spice things up. You dont want to be in the position of if it does go south of saying "it was out of the blue". It wasn't. IMHO that was a small warning shot across the bow of your relationship. It'll be a cannon shot amidships if you ignore it.

Been there. More than once and have learned my lesson and a hard one at that. Personal example? I had one ex out of the blue in a normal convo say "I love you so much but why am I looking at other men? I never used to". I was a little taken aback, but not so much as I had looked at other women. Big deal said I and tried to reassure her. Everyone does in a relationship after a while, we love each other etc etc. We even ended up making love straight after. Sorted I thought. Dumb.

I wasn't listening hard nor well enough. It turned out she was looking at a particular man and was telling me pretty clearly our relationship was on the slippery slope(obviously not just for that reason either, that was a symptom). But I ignored it. The "love will get us through" was running strong and 2 weeks later she's off with the guy she was looking at. Looking back, even at that late stage, even with other crap going on, I know could have stopped that. If I'd listened and didn't ignore what she was saying(including during the aftermath of the breakup). I didn't beat myself up over it too much as she wasn't being exactly clear loyal or honest, especially with the constant "I love yous'" thrown in, but your GF seems to be more honest and clear with you.

So if you love her and she seems to be clear about loving you, don't ignore this.