I broke his heart... second chance?

secondchance

I'll try to keep this as short as possible! I was going out with a guy for over two years, I broke it off with him and broke his heart. This was about two years ago. Since then I have realised this was possibly the worst decision I've ever made! I was immature at the time and wanted to be free and single but I realise now no guy could ever live up to him! (This isn't just become I'm feeling lonely etc, have been in relationships since) I know he has a girlfriend now so obviously I can't do anything to try to get him back until/if they ever break up.

So I'm just wondering: 1. are there any guys out there who have had their hearts broken that would ever take back the girl who broke their heart and what would she have to do to prove that she was for real?

or

2. How the hell do I start getting over the guy that I dumped now that I realise there is no one like him!

minidazzler

Have you heard the saying "Absence makes the heart grow fonder"?

There was a reason you broke up with him. Has that reason changed?

secondchance

Yes, at the time I was suffering from an eating disorder and although he was a massive support, I needed space to sort myself out and wasn't able to cope with being in a relationship. That's all thankfully in the past now

wolfric

I think you should make out a list of what you had in the relationship before hand and what you think you'll have now. What's changed? with you and with him.

You need to make very sure that you're not just going back to this guy because you're lonely. Otherwise once you've been with him for a while you might realize that this is still the same guy you broke up with and nothing's changed and it'll be the same story all over again.

I did this dance with someone for about 2 years... i think it was on and off about 4/5 times... Every ending was really rough and just depressing. give it a few months and it's an epic love story to win each others hearts back followed by some great times and then more misery and the cycle repeated itself. Each time the "good time" period got shorter and shorter... If this is someone you can honestly say (without being biased by being love hungry) that this person will make you happy (real and true happy not depressively in love happy) for a long time then yeah go for it.

opinion guy

secondchance wrote: »

1. are there any guys out there who have had their hearts broken that would ever take back the girl who broke their heart and what would she have to do to prove that she was for real?

or

2. How the hell do I start getting over the guy that I dumped now that I realise there is no one like him!

1. Yes. There is someone I would take back - thou i know she is still in the immature stage right now and by the time she gets out of it I probably won't care/won't be available. What would she have to do - pretty much just let me know shes realises she took me for granted and could now act like a grown-up.

2. No-one ever 'gets over' anyone they really loved - at least not the way people think you can. You just assimilate the experience and in doing so you come out as someone slightly different at the end.

Wibbs

secondchance wrote: »

1. are there any guys out there who have had their hearts broken that would ever take back the girl who broke their heart and what would she have to do to prove that she was for real?

Nope, or at least not in a direct "I'll take you back" way. I'd have to fall for them all over again. I'd have to see that they had understood the reasons why the break happened in the first place and how they may have gone about the breakup(depending how harsh they were) and if they changed for the better. Of course they would have to do the same with me. So yes as we fell in love before, I could see it happening, but it would have to be a new relationship, with a newer improved version of us both.

2. How the hell do I start getting over the guy that I dumped now that I realise there is no one like him!

I'd say the same to the guy if he came here two years ago heartbroken. The world is full of great people of both genders, people who would be compatible. The past is the past and it broke up for a reason. Even if that reason was circumstantial it was still there. Learn from that past and open up your heart and mind to the possibility of others that are good for you. Easier said than done I grant you, but doable. Time helps.

CDfm

OP - you may be a wonderful person now and all that. He will see you as you were 2 years ago and life moves on and the answer is probably not.If it was me it would be a no-no.

I noticed your post is all about you and you never mentioned if you loved him and how you would treat him. There does seem to be a lot of self interest there.

opinion guy

CDfm wrote: »

I noticed your post is all about you and you never mentioned if you loved him and how you would treat him. There does seem to be a lot of self interest there.

CDfm possibly has a point there, althou I realise in writing posts on here sometimes they come across more selfish than the OP means them.

Secondchance - I reallt hink you and this guy could help each other:
http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2055701232
well certainly you could help him in any case

Sanjuro

Hi OP.

I was in the position your ex was in a number of years ago. Was going out with a girl, the first, and so far, only girl I was ever in love with. We broke up because she wanted to go to college abroad, and due to college commitments, I was stuck here. She took the more mature decision and broke it off. It broke my heart and left me pretty cut up for a long time.

We went through the whole gamut of emotions and somehow (as an exception to the rule I believe that exes cannot be friends) have managed to remain friends. Close friends. I have wondered at times that if she came to me and asked that we get back together, what would I say. And my knee-jerk reaction would be yes. But when I have thought about it, I question that reaction.
What I would be basing that decision on would be the relationship we once had. It was great, and very important to me. But both of us were immesurably different people back then. The people we are now, are not the people we were when we were going out, and while I love her to bits, I don't think we'd ever work out as a couple.
Don't let nostalgia and a rose-tinted view of the past influence you now. You haven't seen (or at least been) with him in 2 years. He's not the same guy. You're in love with who someone used to be. Not who he is now.

Of course, it could all work out. You both could be different enough that it could work on a whole new level. But also bear in mind, you broke his heart. Even if he was single and willing to give it another go, there could always be something in his head that would make him question the relationship and your commitment.

That's just my two cents.

Wibbs

Sanjuro wrote: »

Don't let nostalgia and a rose-tinted view of the past influence you now. You haven't seen (or at least been) with him in 2 years. He's not the same guy. You're in love with who someone used to be. Not who he is now.

Great post by Sanjuro and this bit sticks out. I have known people successfully get back with exes and it being far better the second time. Some of the best relationships I know actually.

But it depends on a couple of things. If the first relationship is repeated then it's doomed to fail for the same reasons(even if the symptoms are different) IMHO. It has to be a new relationship between two people who are different but the same. Their best bits remain, but their bad bits are in the past. Both have to acknowledge the old relationship is gone and most importantly why it failed and both their influences on that failure(and there's always two in it).

*Mad analogy alert*. Relationships and ex relationships are like movies. Most movies, even great movies are finite. When the credits roll and the curtain comes down, even if it had a tearful ending it was a good story and that's that. Time for cast and crew to make a different movie. If the original story was a great one and there's more of the story to be told, a slightly different but equally great story, then a sequel is possible. The problem is that most sequels are more like Police Academy than The Godfather. If you think you have a Godfather on your hands then it's worth a punt, if not start looking at writing a new script. I think you may be looking at a favourite movie that you'd love to see a sequel too, but the story isn't there. How often have you been disappointed with a sequel? /End mad analogy

Moomoo1

secondchance wrote: »

Yes, at the time I was suffering from an eating disorder and although he was a massive support, I needed space to sort myself out and wasn't able to cope with being in a relationship. That's all thankfully in the past now

the problem is, many people (including me) see this 'needing space' just as a cop-out: if you love someone enough you won't need space from them, no matter how badly you feel.

harps90

oh,how i can relate to your post!!except i did that 20 years ago.to this day i regret what happened.the good news is that we made contact again through social networking site,9 months ago,and are in contact on a daily basis.we have talked about the past a bit,however,he does seem more cagey than me about feelings etc.i'm putting this down to his memories of the hurt i caused.i would love to jump right in,because i know i never stopped loving him,but i have to respect his reluctance to leave himself vunerable again.
that said,its nice to have him back in my life.he pointed out that had i tried contacting him 10 years ago , he would have been in a very differnet place and not as open to contact.
i wish you all the best.

G-Money

I got burned myself last year by a girl and at the time I couldn't imagine myself saying this, but now I feel like I never want to see her again. I deleted all her emails, changed my email address, changed my Facebook account and came very close to changing my number so she couldn't get in contact again. I can still remember her number I think but it doesn't matter as I'm not one of these guys who will eventually start to think maybe it wasn't that bad and would get in touch. I won't, ever.

Even if she said tomorrow that it was a mistake and wanted to make a go of things, while I might consider it, my immediate reaction is to say no. This is based on a number of reasons. What she did hurt a lot and I'd be wondering why all of a sudden she's calling me up. Is she just lonely and bored? Are other people not willing to put up with her but she thinks I will? Am I some sort of fall back plan when there's no-one better around?

All of these things would be in my head. Also to be honest, when I think of her now, I only think of bad memories. Anything positive has been completely erased and only the negative memories remain and that's what I associate with her now.

My own view is that if you give someone a chance and they just throw it away, you don't give them another. Why set yourself up for another fall? Of course people make mistakes and some couples are together after having been apart previously. However I know for me it would take A LOT for a girl to convince me to take her back after she's hurt me. The girl I mentioned I don't think I'd even consider it.

It could be the same with this guy. He might have got past it and he has a new girlfriend now so he may not have even thought about you since she appeared on the scene.

Even if he were single, his memories of you could all be bad because of how you hurt him. Maybe that's just me though. Anyway I know you said you had an eating disorder back then and that's terrible and it's good to know that you are past it. I don't know the exact details of what you said or didn't say to him back then but if you hurt him pretty bad, that could be what/all he remembers.

Anyway you are sort of lucky in a way in that the decision has already been made for you. He's with someone else and I assume he's happy. You will just have to keep this to yourself and not do or say anything to jeopardise his current relationship. If you hurt him badly I think it's only fair that he has a chance to be happy with someone else.

If at some point in the future he is single, you could probably say something then as you've nothing to lose. But unless that happens, I think you just need to accept that it's over and try to move on.

All the best.

CDfm

gm - on the number - try reciting it by changing the number around in different permutations and it should go - do it for a few days until you feel unsure especially when drunk

thats how memory works

hollis12

secondchance wrote: »

Yes, at the time I was suffering from an eating disorder and although he was a massive support, I needed space to sort myself out and wasn't able to cope with being in a relationship. That's all thankfully in the past now

i think you did the right thing if you needed space and he was great to support you, i think you need to sit him down and explain to him all that but his concern will be if you do it again, you have to realize if he did give you a second chance and you dumped him i would end in tears

opinion guy

harps90 wrote: »

oh,how i can relate to your post!!except i did that 20 years ago.to this day i regret what happened.the good news is that we made contact again through social networking site,9 months ago,and are in contact on a daily basis.we have talked about the past a bit,however,he does seem more cagey than me about feelings etc.i'm putting this down to his memories of the hurt i caused.i would love to jump right in,because i know i never stopped loving him,but i have to respect his reluctance to leave himself vunerable again. that said,its nice to have him back in my life.he pointed out that had i tried contacting him 10 years ago , he would have been in a very differnet place and not as open to contact. i wish you all the best.

Well I might be being harsh here, but why not risk it ? He put himself in the position where you hurt him. So now why don't you put yourself in the position where he could hurt you. if he can forgive you after all this time and still loves you he won't hurt you. If he can't forgive you you will get hurt. But you will survive - he did after all. I mean wait for an opportune moment naturally. But if you're in contact every day and he single your single, then put your money where your mouth is. At least you will know. you were the one who caused the hurt....should you not be the one to take the risk this time around ?

CDfm

hollis12 wrote: »

i think you did the right thing if you needed space and he was great to support you, i think you need to sit him down and explain to him all that but his concern will be if you do it again, you have to realize if he did give you a second chance and you dumped him i would end in tears

He is with someone else. Very few people want to see their ex's if it has ended badly and even more new girlfriends do not want their boyfriends to have a sit down chat with ex girlfriends. Even though well intentioned it could create hassle for him. Not a good idea.

secondchance

Thanks for all the advice guys. Great to hear other peoples points of view. Yeah I guess I just have to hang in there and wait and see if he breaks up with his current girlfriend. As much as I'd love to ring him up and pour out my heart that would be purely self-serving in trying to make things better for myself. I hurt him badly so as much as it pains me, if he is happy with her, even if that means him ending up with her I'll just have to deal with that, like he dealt with the hurt of me leaving him. He's an amazing guy so she would be mad to leave him but who knows. Not wanting to sound self-obsessed but his family prefer me to her (surprisingly after the way I left) his brother told me recently (in the past month) so maybe that will have some influence Oh and gosh yes hollis12 I realise that if I was ever as lucky to get a shot with him again I won't be going anywhere!!

Moomoo1

reading your post in the other thread, you didn't just break up with him, you wouldn't even give the true reasons for it at the time. So even if it doesn't work out for them, I wouldn't bet on him agreeing to go back.

CDfm

OP - you really shouldn't be focussing on him as a fix for bad decisions/regrets and should be moving right along there with life. Of course, if his brother knows you have been thru a tuff time he will tell you what you want to hear but thats only his opinion.

Families don't really go around comparing current and former girlfriends and they wouldn't want him to go thru another bad break-up.Its unlikely he and his brother have spoken about you so don't get your hopes up.

So as the policeman said - move along there is nothing to see.

secondchance

Thanks guys, totally not want I want to hear but it's what I need to hear and what my friends probably don't want to say for fear of hurting my feelings!! You're right I need to get over him. Now how I manage to do that is the next step :rolleyes: Fake it til I make it I guess Thanks again

LegacyUser

theres a girl who broke my heart a few times and i feel id still take her back but it would take a massive effort on her part.... iv been out with other girls and no-one ever come close, friends think im crazy but hte heart wants what the heart wants... even though id take her back i still think it'd be difficult to trust her and i still think it'd be a bad idea even though id do it....

think ur ex boyfriend will prob have the same reservations but from my opinion id like to know and make my own mind up....

secondchance

Yeah to be honest if I hear through the grapevine some time in the future that he's single I am going to contact him and let him have the opportunity to shoot me down or hear me out depending! But in the meantime as other posters were saying I need to get on with life, as I have been doing but this is playing on my mind a lot. I don't want to be with anyone else, any one I've dated/had a relationship with in the past two years hasn't come close to him but I guess with time I'll get acceptance that I blew my chance with him, such is life!

CathyMoran

secondchance wrote: »

Yeah to be honest if I hear through the grapevine some time in the future that he's single I am going to contact him and let him have the opportunity to shoot me down or hear me out depending! But in the meantime as other posters were saying I need to get on with life, as I have been doing but this is playing on my mind a lot. I don't want to be with anyone else, any one I've dated/had a relationship with in the past two years hasn't come close to him but I guess with time I'll get acceptance that I blew my chance with him, such is life!

He has moved on and you really need to as well, if at some stage in the future both of you are single at the same time then it "could" be a possibility but you really need to move on and accept that neither of you may be "the one" for each other...sorry for being so harsh but waiting for someone is worse.

eagle1212

Second chance...just take it from a guy who had his heart broken..not gonna be sappy just stright down the middle... the girl of my dreams broke up with me over 2 years ago and not a day has gone by that i havent thought about her.. i have been in realtionships before but to do the breaking or to be dumped never affected me like this girl.. granted what has been said you dont want to break this couple up but i would advise you to tell him exactly what happened..just for his own head..no 1 is ever totally honest in the break up period..as i found out later that there was another guy..and not the reason she told me... but after that what happens is up to fate..you dont get over love that easy..ive been in 3 relationships since but have never felt the way i did with her and i know i wont feel that way again... i once heard some say 1 in a million fall in true love..but blow it by not taking the risk..

kildarelad

Second chance...just take it from a guy who had his heart broken..not gonna be sappy just stright down the middle... the girl of my dreams broke up with me over 2 years ago and not a day has gone by that i havent thought about her.. i have been in realtionships before but to do the breaking or to be dumped never affected me like this girl.. granted what has been said you dont want to break this couple up but i would advise you to tell him exactly what happened..just for his own head..no 1 is ever totally honest in the break up period..as i found out later that there was another guy..and not the reason she told me... but after that what happens is up to fate..you dont get over love that easy..ive been in 3 relationships since but have never felt the way i did with her and i know i wont feel that way again... i once heard some say 1 in a million fall in true love..but blow it by not taking the risk..

This is very true i got dumped by a girl i was mad about a few months back and its not easy

LegacyUser

I went out with a man ten years ago who was lovely. I didn't have the proper mechanisms to deal with a relationship....depression had taken hold and didn't let go for many years after. We broke up, with him being so much more hurt about the break up than I was.

In the past ten years, I've often thought of him. Wondered how he's doing. Recently I've decided that I'm going to make contact. If he tells me to sod off, so be it. If we have a great conversation and a good catch up, so be it.

I don't know if you feel the same, but part of the reason I want to get in contact again is for closure. It's a part of my life that I'm not very proud of, and I want to come face to face with it and see it off for good.

harps90

took a mad leap yesterday and sent an email outlining how i feel about him now ,all these years later.tried to make it as "un stalkerish" as possible.have'nt heard anything back yet, but you know, am ready to accept whatever he says.must admit i feel a whole lot better now i've confessed,instead of spending ages thinking about it.

LegacyUser

harps90 wrote: »

took a mad leap yesterday and sent an email outlining how i feel about him now ,all these years later.tried to make it as "un stalkerish" as possible.have'nt heard anything back yet, but you know, am ready to accept whatever he says.must admit i feel a whole lot better now i've confessed,instead of spending ages thinking about it.

good for you! And snap, I did the same thing yesterday. Like you, I haven't heard anything back, but I've taken the step and can go on living a normal life without thinking about him constantly!

I hope it all works out for you whatever happens.

Best of luck

harps90

good luck to you too. i certainly agree that taking action has been the best move,at least we'll know one way or another.am prepared for the possibility of an unhappy ending,in that he'll just want "friendship",but them's the risks!!!