Expectations of "friends" when bereavement occurs

ireland_outdoor

Loooong story, but I'll try to be brief (there's a lot more tragedy than I'll detail here). I'm struggling with some "you find out who your friends are when you need them" issues....
My best friend died several months ago after a short battle with a cancer that was "the one you want to have if you're going to have cancer", we got the news that there was nothing more that could be done 7 days before death, so it was pretty traumatic.
I have some fanstatic friends, many in common with my friend that died, but I also believed that I had made some equally good friends through work as I've worked with many of them for over 10 years. Attending weddings, funerals, bought baby presents etc, just general "friend" stuff!
The day following my mate dying, one of the guys from work, called me and encouraged me to talk things over about what had happened. As some of you will probably understand, I don't have much recollection of what I said, but I know exactly what was said to me. I was asked for funeral arrangements, as the person said that they'd defintely like to be there, and was sure that "W,X,Y and Z (that I work with) would want to be there also".
The day of the funeral was harder than anything I ever imagined, but as you do, I drew comfort from my and my mates common friends, my family, and my friends from work. I kept scanning the crowds, and worrying that I wouldn't get a chance to thank my work friends for being there, and tell them how it had helped to give me the strength to get through the day.
I went back to work the next day (still in a bad way, but wanting to get some sort of structure), and the first person I met was the one who had called me up and said that they'd be there. I was told that actually they didn't go as their car wipers weren't working, and it transpired when I met the others that none of them attended either. To be honest I don't know if the others ever had any intention of being there. No text, no call nothing until I saw them in work.
It's only in the last couple of months that I've been getting some way back to normal, but I cannot accept what happened with the people I work with. In a lot of ways that is harder to deal with than the bereavement. My mate was the best mate anyone could ask for, and I'm left with the feeling that some of the strength that got me through the day of the funeral was an illusion and didn't really exist. They carry on as before, laughing and joking, but I can't bring myself to engage with them at all. To be honest I'm disgusted by them and I feel like just quitting as it would be easier than having to go into work every day.
I guess my question is; am I being too hard on them? Did I expect too much?
Is friendship too much to ask from people you work with?
(Thanks for reading this far, typing this out even helped a little)

muboop1

Hey,
I to have lost a best mate in the past.

People, well people always have their own agendas.

I'm sure they would of gone for a drink with you, or had a talk or something like that.

But expecting them to come to the funeral... If they didn't know the person or family of the deceased...
I think its a no no.

As much as you need support etc, you need to realise that the funeral is for the deceased and their family.

Not friends of friends who never met the deceased.

I personally would be very uncomfortable going to such a funeral with a group.

Bad to of said they would go with you if they didn't intend to... But might of thought at time it was a reasonable thing to do, then had group discussion and decided wasn't their place??

I personally think you have alot of issues and anger regarding this funeral and are taking it out on them...

Just an opinion from that snapshot of your life that you have given me. Could be wrong.

But i do think your response is over the top!

And if you harbour such resentment for such a small thing maybe your problem isn't what you really think it is...
Maybe you should talk with a counselor or something?

KiLLeR CoUCh

A lot of people are unsure about to how to behave when a death occurs, especially as people grieve in different ways. Maybe they felt like it wasn't their place to be there but granted they shouldn't have lied to you about it. I know when I lost somebody very close to me a few people I knew who's support I would have appreciated didn't come to the funeral, but they told me out straight and gave their condolances and that was fine. If they had gone behind my back and insisted they'd be there and then just not shown up I would have been horribly hurt.

However, you do seem very angry with them, do you think it's just a way of expressing grief? I would talk to them at the very least and tell them what's wrong. They might be continuing on as normal but their not psychic and maybe they didn't realise how much them not going to the funeral would effect you.

metrovelvet

I dont know I could be wrong here. But...

One of the most devastating effects of bereavement is watching people around you treat life with triviality when you have just been taught the hard lesson of how it can be swiped from under us at any moment.

I think you are having a normal, healthy reaction, but unfortunately you will just have to bear it until the rawness fades [in never completely fades by the way] but it is a gift, because it leaves the stain of the affirmation of life. It will do good by you.

Im sorry for your loss. It is awful awful thing to lose someone you love to death. Be good to yourself and honour your friend in your heart, and treat your life with respect. You have a wider perspective than those who are not in the throws of grief. It's a case of forgiving them, they dont know.

John Mason

personally, when work friends have bereavements, i would never go to the funeral.


i dont feel it is my place to intrude on their personal grief. i dont know the people who have died and funerals are for family and close friends not work colleagues. perhaps if it was one of your family members (god forbid), i could understand them going but not for a friend


i think you are being very hard on your friends

krudler

Funerals should be close friends and families imo, maybe visit the church or funeral home the night before to pay respects if you knew the person in some way but I'd never go to the burial of someone I wasnt close to

metrovelvet

When my father died, no one from work had met him but they sent me an enormous bouquet of white lillies, everyone signed the card and many came to his funeral.

Zaph

metrovelvet wrote: »

When my father died, no one from work had met him but they sent me an enormous bouquet of white lillies, everyone signed the card and many came to his funeral.

That's different, and I've often gone to the funerals of parents of my work colleagues to give them my support. I've never gone to the funerals of any of their friends though. In cases like that they're not a member of the bereaved family and going to one of their friend's funerals would just feel odd.

Firetrap

In work, we generally go to the funerals and/or get a mass card for the immediate (as in nuclear family immediate) family of workmates. Nobody bats an eyelid when grandparents/aunts/uncles/cousins die, let alone close friends.

MizzLolly

To be honest OP, I don't think your workmates did anything wrong to deserve you being angry at them. I'm really sorry to hear that you've been through this and I know it's a bloody horrible thing to go through but I think you're just looking for someone to be angry at. Of course you still feel upset and bitter over such a massive loss but as someone said above, one of the hardest things to accept after a death is that life does go on and while everyone can sympathise with you, not everyone will be as affected as you. You're understandably hurt but you need your friends around you. Don't go holding this against them when they didn't do anything wrong. I've lost many family members and my friends didn't come to all of the funerals but they were there afterwards if I needed them to talk to.

I think it's okay that you feel angry following the death of your friend but be sure to remind yourself that the anger you feel is because you've suffered a huge bereavement rather than anything your colleagues did.

implausible

Personally, I don't like going to funerals when I have never met the person. An exception would be for a parent or sibling. However, you have a right to be annoyed at people who said that they would go and then didn't. This is bad form in any situation. Perhaps the person just said it out of not knowing what to say. You're better off letting it go though OP. You have more to be dealing with.

A friend of mine lost a member of her family recently and had some of the feelings you had. IN her case, it was friends who she had previously fallen out with who came to the funeral who made her angry. She felt they hadn't spent long enough talking to her. Her anger at this lasted months, but it was only when she let it go that she began to grieve properly.

Don't let anger at a slight (even if it's justified) cloud the real issue here. You need to grieve.

eskimo

I really don't like the way the terms "they did nothing wrong," "you're overreacting," "you're going over the top," and "they don't deserve to be treated this way" are being thrown about here.

The OP has lost their best friend. What is "deserved" and what isn't is probably a rather foreign concept in her life at this point. Her best friend didn't deserve to die. She didn't deserve to lose her best friend. So let's leave out judging what is and what isn't "deserved" right now.

The OP is saying that this particular hurting she's feeling is caused by the seeming lack of care being shown by people she had considered friends, and rather than asking whether they deserve her anger, I reckon the OP is wondering whether this lack of care truly exists, or whether she is misjudging the situation.

Well OP I hope it comforts you to hear so many people saying (in various different ways, but saying it nonetheless) that it is unlikely your friends lack care for you. Having read through your post, I can safely say that if I was in your friends' situation I probably wouldn't have gone to that funeral either, purely because I would have felt like I was intruding or something. As somebody else expressed, a funeral is the most personal thing in the world. I would want to leave the family and close friends of the deceased alone to have the funeral. I think most people would probably feel the same way.

With regards feeling some care from your friends, put yourself in their position. If one of them lost a friend, how would you show your care towards them? A lot of people would feel (and probably would come to this conclusion on the basis of good advice) that it is better to just be there for the friend, letting them talk about their feelings whenever they feel like it's time. Nobody would feel it is the right thing to do to ask somebody how they are coping with their recent loss. You have to bring up the topic yourself. Your truly caring friends will then jump at the opportunity to listen and support you. They won't be the ones to bring up the conversation in the first place, for fear of upsetting you.

Good luck with everything.

P.S. I lost someone very close to me - somebody who was my "third parent" - four years ago. Almost two years ago, a good friend of mine killed herself. I've been on both sides of the story. I hope this helps.

Personally, it wouldn't even occur to me to attend a work mate's friend's funeral. That seems too far removed for me. Not that I wouldn't have empathy and concern for my friend, but I would feel like I didn't really belong at the funeral with the family and close friends. I've learned that the Irish culture is a lot different to others when it comes to this stuff. I'd normally only attend if the person was a good friend or family member of mine, or of a very close friend.

bSlick

I dont get this at all. You are angry that your work mates didn't go to your friends funeral?

Since when did people start going to funerals for friends of workmates? I've never heard of that. Funerals are for friends and family. You go to funeral if you know the person that died or a member of their family. You don't go to a funeral because your workmate is a friend of the person that died. OP you anger is completely irrational.

MizzLolly

eskimo wrote: »

I really don't like the way the terms "they did nothing wrong," "you're overreacting," "you're going over the top," and "they don't deserve to be treated this way" are being thrown about here.

The OP has lost their best friend. What is "deserved" and what isn't is probably a rather foreign concept in her life at this point. Her best friend didn't deserve to die. She didn't deserve to lose her best friend. So let's leave out judging what is and what isn't "deserved" right now.

Leave it out Eskimo. Don't go complaining about posts and then go an basically reiterate them yourself. I said pretty much exactly what you said, the OP shouldn't go on a mad one at his friends. The OP's friend dying is dreadful but it doesn't mean that everyone else should come in the firing line during the grieving process. They didn't do anything to warrant the OP being angry at them. Saying that his/her colleague doesn't deserve to be in the dog house over this is not the same as the OP feeling that what they're going through is undeserved. What a bizarre connection to make. Seriously! :rolleyes:

Anyway to the OP; I hope you're feeling a bit better tonight. I forgot to mention earlier that it sounds like you've thrown yourself back into work really quickly. Maybe you could consider having a few days off just to look after yourself? Right now everything is very, very raw and you're bound to be angry and very confused. Some quite time and a lot of TLC is needed for you at the minute.

Good luck!

eskimo

MizzLolly wrote: »

Leave it out Eskimo. Don't go complaining about posts and then go an basically reiterate them yourself. I said pretty much exactly what you said, the OP shouldn't go on a mad one at his friends. The OP's friend dying is dreadful but it doesn't mean that everyone else should come in the firing line during the grieving process. They didn't do anything to warrant the OP being angry at them. Saying that his/her colleague doesn't deserve to be in the dog house over this is not the same as the OP feeling that what they're going through is undeserved. What a bizarre connection to make. Seriously! :rolleyes:

MizzLolly in my opinion you have entirely misunderstood the meaning behind the original post. However I would imagine that your contribution has still been appreciated.

missmatty

The way I see this situation is:

The work friends specifically phoned up the OP to ask about the funeral arrangements and promised to come. And they didn't. I would agree normally I would not go to friends of workmates funerals although like other posters, I have been to parents funerals. The point is, these people the op worked with for years and considered friends made a promise to be there to support him/her and then they didn't bother. I can completely understand how the op feels.

A very close friend of mine died a couple of years ago, met her through work. Other workmates came to the funeral, the girls dolled up to the nines, laughed and chatted, and basically didn't give a ****. We went out to lunch after the funeral and I was sitting beside one of those (former) workmates of ours who was a first year medical student at the time. She had the temerity to tell me over the lunch table that my friend pretty much deserved to die because she had been a smoker and had done it to herself. I've never forgotten how she made me feel on one of the worst days of my life.

WesternNight

missmatty wrote: »

The work friends specifically phoned up the OP to ask about the funeral arrangements and promised to come. And they didn't.

This. This is the point. Not that they just didn't go to the funeral...that they rang up and asked about it specifically and made it clear they were interested in being there. And then didn't and said nothing about it.

I doubt the OP would have expected anything of them had that co-worker not done that.

Julesie

It sounds like it was just one person from work that made the promise to be there, presuming other would come along too.

I'd imagine once he had hung up the phone to the OP and discussed it with the others they decided it wasn't really their place. I don't think it would have been any better if they had then decided to call and make a point of the fact they were in fact not going to attend.

Bottom line, work friend should not have made the promise to come and then not showed, however it probably would have been a bit strange for them to attend the funeral of a friend of a friend.

OP, I understand you are grieving and this is probably just an outlet for your anger but I really think you need to let this one pass and not let it cause a riff between you and your work friends.

bSlick

WesternNight wrote: »

This. This is the point. Not that they just didn't go to the funeral...that they rang up and asked about it specifically and made it clear they were interested in being there. And then didn't and said nothing about it.

I doubt the OP would have expected anything of them had that co-worker not done that.

"They"?? One person rang and said they would come. No-one else did. And I imagine he/she saw sense and decided it wouldn't be his/her place to be at this funeral of someone they don't know and isn't related to their friend.

WesternNight

bSlick wrote: »

"They"?? One person rang and said they would come. No-one else did. And I imagine he/she saw sense and decided it wouldn't be his/her place to be at this funeral of someone they don't know and isn't related to their friend.

*sigh* The "they" in this case is to indicate that I didn't know the gender of the co-worker. Is it really that big a deal whether it's one person or 10? The point is still the same.

ireland_outdoor

thanks folks. Most replies have been pretty useful :-) I guess it's kinda an interesting point how many people have a set protocol on when to go/not go to a funeral. Seems to be always parents or siblings but not friends, regardless of whether you've met the person or not. I s'pose I see things a little differently from the outset, that each situation is different and feelings, relationships etc can't be categorized quite so easily. Friends can mean as much to a person as anything on this planet, and isn't that what showing support is about?

Just to confirm I think it is the fact that one individual said that they would definitely come and that they were sure the others would as well. I wondered whether any of them would come, and then when I was told they would, I drew strength from that when I had none. I think that's part of the problem, I feel as though that strength was "false" in a way.

I accept that feelings can be pretty "irrational" as one of the less helpful posts put it, but if you feel something doesn't that make it valid irrational or not?
Appreciate the discussion though!

WesternNight

ireland_outdoor wrote: »

I accept that feelings can be pretty "irrational" as one of the less helpful posts put it, but if you feel something doesn't that make it valid irrational or not?
Appreciate the discussion though!

Feelings are never ever invalid. It doesn't matter why they're there. If you feel it then it's the most real thing for you. Whether people understand that or not.

Good luck

Gekko

I think that the OP's workmates acted very harshly in the situation. They shouldn't have said they'd go and then not have done.

At times like this some people feel they need a bit of support if they're attending a funeral of a close relative or close friend.

I recently lost a very close friend and I had to travel to the UK to a ceremony to scatter her ashes. Up to the day before going, I had reservations that I'd find it too difficult and I actually hoped my Mum might offer to accompany me for some support, even though she doesn't like flying.

I thought about asking my Mum, but as the day got closer and closer, I realised that basically I had to 'Man Up' and go it alone...it helped to know that I would be meeting some friends of my friend who had passed away at the ceremony and that they offered me a place to stay for the night and lifts to and from a nearby train station.

In the end it all went very well, helped by the wine and champagne, and I was happy that I had travelled alone and realised that I hadn't needed my Mum with me for support.

I can understand the OP feeling a little let down by his workmates to say the least. I felt let down by my Mum at one stage - not to a very great extent, but a little bit let down I guess. I thought she might have offered to accompany me just for the sake of offering, but she didn't.

But I let it pass. OP, you should do your best to let this pass as well. Your workmates did what they did and they should've acted more honourably in the situation.

But you got through it.

Make an effort to put it behind you and if you still feel that you can't continue to work at the same place as your workmates, then maybe a change of scenery would be a good idea. It might even be an opportunity.

Sorry this is long-winded but that's my two cents worth.

neuro-praxis

I have been to many funerals of people I didn't know. It was never in those instances to actually grieve the dead: it was to support the living - friends and colleagues who were partners, sons, daughters or siblings of the dead.

However I have never been to the funeral of a friend of a friend. It seems disconnected and inappropriate.

I remember at my grandmother's funeral feeling very angry, because it was full of people who had never met her - the grandchildren of her friends, for example. Their presence at the church seemed completely hollow, and their presence at the meal afterwards was actually outrageous. They were intruding on a private moment.

However, many of my parents' friends arrived who had never known her either, and it was like a balm to see them. They were deeply sharing in my father's grief - for his sake.

OP, I understand why you feel let down by your colleague. But what they did was probably for the best. I wish you well as you grieve for your friend.

seahorse

Hi OP. I don’t know if I can be very helpful to you because I don’t relate to how you’re feeling towards your colleagues right now. I certainly do relate to bereavement though. The thing is, with me, I actually seriously resent people trying to support me in my grief. This is just a personal thing though. We all process grief in our own way and mine is to go off and lick my wounds alone. I’m not saying you should adopt my or anyone else's way of processing grief, but I do think that these feelings you have around the strength that got you through that day being somehow “false” are unhealthy and that they provide a dangerous opportunity to regress in your grief. I think for this reason you should attempt to discard them.

What I am saying is, you got yourself through that day, and it seems to me that since you now feel some faces missing in the church means your strength was somehow false, well that can only mean you are drawing strength from others, whereas the strength you need here is the strength that comes from yourself.

Would you consider bereavement counselling?