im worried she will put a downer on my birthday- am i being selfish?

useful_contacts

Just want to get some opnions here, I dont know weather im just being selfish.

I have a friend who is 24. She is in huge debt and this is because she spends money like its going out of fashion. She got a loan of 500euro from the credit union 2 weeks ago for a laptop because she didnt like her other one (her words not mine)

I ve known her since i was 5 years old but everytime i see her shes depressed cos she has no money.Shes in an 950euro A fortnight job and id kill for her money.She has a morgage of 800 a month and is struggling to pay it. Shes paying off creditors left right and centre. I have told her to go to mabs but she wont- she claims she will "never be that desperate"
i keep giving her advice, ive helped her budget but it all goes out the window when she sees a flatscreen that she doesnt need. I have tried tough love but she just says im being horrible.

Now this may sound mean- but its my birthday in 2 weeks and i dont want her putting a downer on it.

She ruined my partners birthday this year by getting drunk and telling everyone she owed the bank 3 grand and that she had not paid them in weeks and they were threatning to send bailiffs to her door. I eventually got mad and told her to go home.

Now i feel like im being a bitch here but I dont want her pulling this **** at my birthday night out.She text me tonight saying shes depressed cos she has no money to go out this weekend and that the bank refused her a loan. I cant take this anymore. I have a lot to celebrate this year, me and my partner have bought a house, and its my birthday in 2 weeks and we want to go out and celebrate with our friends, but i know she will put a downer on it once she has a few drinks , she does it every time we go out, and if i go out and dont invite her she gets thick.

Do you think im being a bitch by worrying that she is going to ruin my birthday. Am i being selfish and only thinking of myself?

Jo King

You have a friend who is not a friend. She provides no support to you and uses you as a sounding board for her own problems. It is time to move on. people like her only get the message when everybody refuses to have anything to do with them.

useful_contacts

Jo King wrote: »

people like her only get the message when everybody refuses to have anything to do with them.

The thing is she has not really got any other friends. Im pretty much the only one she has, and i know that makes me sound big headed but i am. she has had plenty of friends before but for some reason they stop taking and she never tells me why

I actually gave out to her tonight because she was supposed to come down to my house, stay over and have a few drinks as my fellas on a stag night and she didnt want me to be alone. She cancelled because she has "10 euro left until she gets paid next Thursday"...even though she told me that she had 30 euro put away for a few drinks and a take away tonight(im guessing she saw something in town that she perfered)

Jo King

There is no secret as to why her former friends steer clear. She obviously tried to behave towards them in the same way as she now does to you. You are the last to smell the coffee. I have a friend who is unreliable. When I am asked to participate in something by that friend, I refuse saying "you are unreliable, I am not getting involved". No matter how much I might like someone I tell people who are unreliable that I am not getting involved with them. Life is too short.

useful_contacts

Jo King wrote: »

There is no secret as to why her former friends steer clear. She obviously tried to behave towards them in the same way as she now does to you. You are the last to smell the coffee. I have a friend who is unreliable. When I am asked to participate in something by that friend, I refuse saying "you are unreliable, I am not getting involved". No matter how much I might like someone I tell people who are unreliable that I am not getting involved with them. Life is too short.

im sorry but thats not it- PLEASE dont think i dont appricate ur advice cos i do, but its not that. Shes had a pretty awful childhood. She was blamed for her dads death even though she was not even there, and the fact that he mam has not spoken to her since then is worse, and its been 11 years now( i know draw from it what u will but its still messed up)

And now shes having nightmares where her dads dying and she is trying to save him but she cant... she tells me all this and i try help, but at the end of the day its all money. She is seeing a phychrist but she says he a twit and she doesnt like him

Jo King

There is no reason you cannot give her advice and at the same time keep her out of you social life. The way to deal with people who carry on like this is to be firm with them. She is manipulating you! Her mother does not even talk to her! Just because someone had a bad childhood does not mean that they can behave like a child in adulthood.

Carsinian Thau

Jo King wrote: »

Just because someone had a bad childhood does not mean that they can behave like a child in adulthood.

True, but it can make things considerably more difficult for them.

And OP, you're not being selfish. In fact you're being very considerate. Most people wouldn't be so understanding.

Jack B. Badd

This may sound harsh, OP, but it looks like you either need to piss or get off the pot. As Jo King said, this person isn't a friend and to a certain extent you appear to know this - hence posting this thread in the first place. But when other people offer you useful advice you make excuses; "Im pretty much the only one she has", "Shes had a pretty awful childhood", etc.

If you're worried she'll ruin your birthday, tell her she's not invited. If you think that makes you look like horrible human being, cite her awful performance at your partner's birthday. Overall stop being a martyr, you'll get nothing out of it.

Moomoo1

she's your friend, you have to stick by her. Maybe if you have similar problems in life she will stick by you.

bangersandmash

Moomoo1 wrote: »

Maybe if you have similar problems in life she will stick by you.

Judging by what the OP is saying, it doesn't sound like she is the reliable type. Not that a friendship should ever be perfectly reciprocal. But the OP's friend sounds unwilling to look after herself, let alone anyone else.

Chinafoot

useful_contacts wrote: »

I actually gave out to her tonight because she was supposed to come down to my house, stay over and have a few drinks as my fellas on a stag night and she didnt want me to be alone. She cancelled because she has "10 euro left until she gets paid next Thursday"...even though she told me that she had 30 euro put away for a few drinks and a take away tonight(im guessing she saw something in town that she perfered)

This jumped out at me for the sheer hypocrisy of it. You don't want her there for your birthday but you gave out to her for bailing on you due to lack of funds. Surely you should be happy that she made a somewhat sensible decision and stayed in instead of asking you for a lend. I agree that she should have kept the money as planned (if she has that much debt to pay off you cant be sure what happened) but I have to be honest with you, I don't get why you're pissed off when you clearly dont want to be around her...or does that not count when you're at a loose end?

I agree that you need to piss or get off the pot. Either you want to be her friend or you don't. I have an incredibly low tolerance for bullshít and if I was in your position she'd have been told outright that her carry-on is not appreciated and if there is no attempt to rectify, or at least adequately explain, the situation she'd be gone.

Tell her you dont want her there or your birthday, tell her exactly why and stick to it. If she tells you you're being mean to her don't just flip-flop straight back to "oh alright then.." She's not going to get any sort of message if you don't stick to your decision.

Moomoo1

bangersandmash wrote: »

Judging by what the OP is saying, it doesn't sound like she is the reliable type. Not that a friendship should ever be perfectly reciprocal. But the OP's friend sounds unwilling to look after herself, let alone anyone else.

I realise that. But I would feel really bad about cutting someone adrift like this. I mean: what has she _actually_ done to the OP? She got drunk a few times and mouthed off at parties about her plight. That's the only thing.

Jack B. Badd

Moomoo1 wrote: »

I mean: what has she _actually_ done to the OP?

I'd be asking "what has she actually done for the OP?" Like every other aspect of life, friendship has pros and cons - if the cons outweigh the pros then it's time to start looking at whether things can be fixed or not.

acorntoast

It sounds like you feel sorry for her, rather than you like her - this is not a good basis for friendship.

neuro-praxis

It's very annoying to listen to a friend moan on and on about problems that they have created themselves and are continuing to perpetuate, and then display an apparent allergy to sound advice. I have been there on more than one occasion.

These kinds of people, I have learned the hard way, drain others terribly.

So while she has committed no great crime here, she is someone who makes your blood pressure rise.

So you need to set some boundaries. Decide how much time you are willing to spend with her (if any) and in what context. If you are happy to meet with her one on one but not in a group, then continue to do that. You don't need to make any excuses about anything else. Simply don't tell her about other events. And try not to lie - this never works!

In relation to your birthday, you know you don't want her there. Does she already know about it? If yes, and she has already been invited, there is not much you can do without effectively bringing the friendship to a halt now. If she has not yet been invited, simply do not invite her. If she asks why, tell her. She will no doubt feel hurt, but the conversation might effect a change in her.

I know what it's like to be a friend to people who have no other friends, and it is a good thing to be. Sometimes you can even connect them so that they make other friends. But you must have boundaries with these people...I have a friend who would meet up with me every evening if he could, he is that lonely. I as a result feel very pressured by him and only meet him once a month; that's my boundary. No, that is not enough for him, but I am his friend - not the answer to his loneliness.

You can't be the answer to hers either.

Moomoo1

Jack B. Badd wrote: »

I'd be asking "what has she actually done for the OP?" Like every other aspect of life, friendship has pros and cons - if the cons outweigh the pros then it's time to start looking at whether things can be fixed or not.

not really... friendship shouldn't be about pros and cons, that's just far too calculating...

Jo King

There is no need to get out a weighing scales. That is not genuine friendship. There does have to be some input from both parties. The O/p is the only one putting in anything into her situation. Her "friend" is simply abusing her. The o/p should not ruin her own hapiness for the sake of this "friend". If she wants to help her she should do so, but not at the cost of making her own life a misery.