Do I risk it?

LegacyUser

I'm a 24 year old guy. Have a great life except for one thing. Never had a girlfriend or even kissed a girl, it's beginning to become a burden.

I am involved in a volunteer organisation that sees groups of people come together every week (often several times a week) to help other people. It's a great social outlet. I have known a particular girl for about three years in our local group, we get on well (most times).

Recently I have realised that I am very attracted to her. In fact, I would say she's always on my mind. Recently we have been getting on well after a bit of a falling out and I get the sense that she is attracted to me. I think she may have been attracted to me for quite some time (based on her behaviour). She is a year older than me and naturally confident. Guys would kill to go out with her.

However I have held off showing any reciprocal feelings for a few reasons.

1. If I do manage to go out with her and even say progress into a loving relationship, since it would be my first time, it is highly likely (statistically) to end. I mean, who has ever married their first ever girlfriend? Because of this, I don't want to get hurt. Hurt and pain is inevitable. I am a very deep thinker and generally unemotional, but I know opening myself up to something like this, which is almost guaranteed to end at some point, will cut very deep and badly affect me.

2. If we did break up, we would still have to see each other a few times a week and remain on friendly terms, because we work together in this organisation. It is a large part of my life and I will likely be in it for the rest of it! Again, that would be very difficult. She was engaged to another man 2 years ago, but now they avoid each other like the plague. I couldn't do that.

3. We are very similar in that we are both independent and both like to be "in control". This has caused some minor clashes and we both get hurt. We eventually get over this and back on good terms but I imagine that in a couple this could lead to a rocky relationship which again could lead to a nasty breakup.

So, how do you, how does anyone reconcile the fact that a break up, particularly of a first time relationship, is almost inevitable and the hurt and anger and pain will come? I care deeply about this person, even as a friend.

My brain is wrecked with this. I can't stop thinking about her. I am getting wet dreams about her for god sake! My soul and my body want to pursue her, but my logical brain is holding off, and for very good reason. It's getting harder and harder to ignore my feelings and hope that they go away.

How can I take the risk knowing that it is highly likely to cause me pain and suffering at some point?

G-Money

Well I'm going to avoid the discussion of whether to go after a colleague or not and I'm not going to say you should or shouldn't go for it.

But think about it this way. You say you've never kissed a girl or had a relationship, that's fair enough. You are also saying that you don't want to get involved with this girl for a variety of reasons, including that it will inevitably end. So lets say you do nothing and this girl moves on and then at some point you meet someone else. What happens then? Do you go through the same logic in your head that it will inevitably end and cause pain etc?

The point I'm trying to make is that if you apply your current logic to every girl you meet, you will never get a girlfriend. The reason being is that you will say that it's unlikely you will marry your first girlfriend. But if you never get a girlfriend, you'll always be in the position of waiting for your first girlfriend. But because you think its unlikely you'll stay together, you won't do anything. Then you meet someone else, and go through the same thing again. You'll be stuck in a never-ending loop. Groundhog day.

I don't know what the statistics are of people marrying their first girlfriend/boyfriend. I know my best friend is marrying the 2nd girl he's ever went out with. And he hasn't been some lothario going around shagging everything that moves. Some people end up marrying their first, others don't.

At the end of the day you will never get a girlfriend if you always apply the logic that it will hurt when you inevitably split up. So at what point do you end up in a situation where you know it won't end and hurt? It's impossible to know that at the beginning. But sure that's part of having a relationship and having a life. It's not as random as you might think, as if it's completely up to the whims of the universe and that you have no control over it.

Whether you want to get involved with someone at work you have such a tempestuous existence with is another matter and one that I will leave to others to comment on.

eviltwin

OP your never going to have a successful relationship if you go into in thinking about the fall out if it fails.

You have to go into it in good faith that its got the legs to get somewhere otherwise none of us would ever take a chance.

Heartbreak, I'm afaid to say is a big part of life. Everyone's had their heart broken at some stage, it sucks but ultimately it makes you stronger ( if your lucky ) and hopefully makes you a bit wiser. You cant escape it. Even if you remain alone your whole life things are going to happen that will hurt you, its inevitable.

Yeah it might not work out but it also might. I'm married to my first boyfriend, I'm his second girlfriend. Its not been easy but you work at it and we were younger than you guys were so less mature. If its meant to be it will happen.

Warfi

Don't ruin it for yourself by thinking too much about it. You should be on cloud nine by now!

CDfm

Jeez guy - if you think like that you will never ask her out.

You need to get the courage to ask her out -if not on a night out to the cinema or for lunch and an afternoon doing nice stuff like galleries or something.

Small steps and the chances are that she knows you are shy and nervous and will know its difficult for you.

Red Alert

Hey! I've been there and done that loads of times.

1. I'd say statistically hardly anyone has married their first girlfriend. But, I think people's first couple of relationships, whether they're good or bad, can lead to a lot more knowledge and maturity about yourself and your interaction with other people. There's no way in hell I'd have married my first girlfriend, but I have to say I'm better off for having gone out with her. I know you're thinking long-term, but right now you need to pull back and think about the short-term situation.

2. Not every breakup is the same. There's one ex- (the one above actually) who I've never spoken to again, and she doesn't want to talk to me. There's another I see nearly once a week in college and have coffee with when she's in. This is nearly always dependent on whether the problem is with the person or the relationship. Again, you both are adults, and seen as you anyway say you're a deep thinker and that you're committed to your voluntary work, that it shouldn't be a problem. Don't bleed until you're shot.

3. This idea of being independent is one that's very close to my heart. That's just something both of you will have to get used to. Independence is bad when it's one-sided, but from what you say it doesn't seem like it'll be a problem for both of you.

Hopefully she'll care deeply about you as well, so even if the transition to a relationship doesn't work out, she'll see that you're still a person she wants to have around.

No change in life will have no negative consequences, and the only way to be perfect is to try and change often. I have missed a lot of opportunities through the exact same thing you're talking about here, and I resolved I wasn't going to let that happen again.