Contraception - am I paranoid?

LegacyUser

Hey everyone, I'm a regular boards.ie poster but going anonymous because of the nature of this & that some of the people involved are known to boardsies.

Basically around a week ago I met a friend of a friend in a bar, got her number and arranged to meet up a few days later for a coffee. I found her very attractive, and there was a real and genuine spark with her. Coffee turned very quickly into everything bar full sex in her room. The following day we met up again and this time had sex, with a condom. She says she's not on the pill and that condoms are fine on their own. (Just to be clear, I'd be wanting to use a condom regardless of whether she's on the pill or not.) She doesn't seem to appreciate the risks. I'd be much more comfortable with this if she was on the pill or had some other contraceptive like an IUD, because then there's that added safety in addition to the condom.

The real problem with this is that I'm rather worried about any sort of condom failure or resulting pregnancy. With our circumstances at the moment, neither of us would be in any position to deal with the consequences. She claims that she's never had any problem, and appears to have quite a few sexual partners before. I'm a few years older than her too, so even though she has more experience, I feel I've been around the block enough to know when something's not right.

Nevertheless, I'm just not sure about this at all. And I feel my worry takes away from the otherwise great sex. My first girlfriend was quite forensic about safe sex practices, and in hindsight I'm very glad of this. This is starting to get to me a bit, because I don't want this liaison to end up causing a huge change to both our lives unnecessarily. Also, although from my point of view I'm being proactive about it, the fact that she was also being proactive about it from her side would make me feel a lot more secure.

(a) Am I totally overreacting and needlessly worrying about it?

(b) Do I basically say that I'm unhappy to have sex with her until she goes for some independent contraception, and stick to it? It does seem to be quite an ultimatum however.

(c) Do I end this relationship completely now, end of story?

Otherwise, she's a fabulous girl, great to talk and very good looking, so it pains me a lot to have to ask all this.

Well, on one hand, I wouldn't be happy with using condoms on their own, just cos I'm rather paranoid about pregnancy. On the other, I find it pretty darn unfair that the woman has to subject herself to hormonal birth control, or an IUD (which can have serious complications). The Pill has caused some pretty serious problems and annoyances for me. If you're really worried, maybe you should stick to non-intercourse activities?

Nevyn

I would not be happy just using condoms as a stand along contraceptive as there are too many possible human errors which can end up causing a pregnancy.

If hormonal contraception like the combined pill, mini pill, nuvaring, patch or IUS are not an option
there are barrier methods like the contraceptive diaphragm or cap used with spermicide,
the IUCD works well for some women and isn't that harsh.

Or there is the option to track her fertile times using ovulation detection strips or a digital kit like the persona and not have vaginal penetrative sex during those times.

G-Money

I know this will get shot down straight away but seeing no-one else has suggested it, I will. If you are really worried about getting her pregnant you could always just stop having sex with her. No sex, no pregnancy.

LegacyUser

This is the thing - I feel that I've absolutely no right whatsoever to tell her what she should and shouldn't do to her own body, which is the way it should be. It's just that two safeties rather than one would be much better piece of mind, because I've noticed she can get very carried away in the heat of the moment. She's very confident and expert in other aspects of the bedroom fun, but I'm just a bit concerned that she's not as safe-sex-concious as maybe she should be. Is my worry totally misplaced or could it just become destructive for the relationship as a whole?

G-Money

I'm going to hand the reigns of this discussion over to others who actually have experience of sex...

Nevyn

Tbh the worry you may end up in a crises pregnancy situation can be a passion killer, but I would not assume just because someone has a good skill base and enjoys sex that they have had enough sexual partners that it could be cause for concern, but I can understand that if not using a contraceptive other then condoms seems to you to be risky behaviour you are concerned as to what other risks she may have taken.

Yes there are sti which condoms can help protect from but do not protect form 100% due to them spread by skin contact, if you are concerned then maybe you need to have a talk about you both having an sti screening as well as talking about additional contraceptive measures.

iguana

It's a tough one. I was never even remotely comfortable with being on hormonal contraceptives and used barrier methods for most of my sexual life. I took emergency contraceptive on a couple of occasions when necessary, but prolonged use of hormones was not for me. I knew the statistics and the risks but for me, the benefit of not having to use hormones was worth it. I never got pregnant while trying not to, and I did get pregnant the first time I did try to, so ime, condoms/diaphragm along with spermicide and knowledge about how they work and can be damaged was fine.

However that doesn't mean it will work out for everyone. And if you aren't comfortable having sex with someone just using condoms then that's a completely valid way to feel. Talk to her about it and let her know you aren't comfortable with just using condoms and ask if she is willing to use hormones or a diaphragm in conjunction with them.

Nevyn

grandmaster if you dont' have anything helpful to post then don't bother posting as it is offtopic and
off topic and unhelpful posts can get you banned from this forum.
Please read the charter and abide by the rules while posting.
Have a nice day.
Thaedydal.

kjl

no offense, but wait to take the romance out of this. How about if you're that paranoid you just don't have sex. Yes condoms fail but not that often that you need to be paranoid about it.

Track her ovulation and avoid it, simple as.

opinion guy

SafetyConcious wrote: »

.........
(a) Am I totally overreacting and needlessly worrying about it?

No.

(b) Do I basically say that I'm unhappy to have sex with her until she goes for some independent contraception, and stick to it? It does seem to be quite an ultimatum however.

Pretty much yes if thats how you feel.

(c) Do I end this relationship completely now, end of story?

Ermm no. That's a bit reactionary don't you think. Talk to her some more.

Otherwise, she's a fabulous girl, great to talk and very good looking, so it pains me a lot to have to ask all this.

Thats all very nice but not really relevant to the issue.

Thaedydal wrote: »

.......
Or there is the option to track her fertile times using ovulation detection strips or a digital kit like the persona and not have vaginal penetrative sex during those times.

Ok I don't recommend this as a form of contraception. A woman can get pregnant at ANY time in her cycle. These kits only tell you when its most likely. They're useful as an aid those actually TRYING to conceive, not as contraception. (Ditto for basal body temperature tracking, mucus planing etc - NOT good for preventing pregnancy...)

SafetyConcious wrote: »

This is the thing - I feel that I've absolutely no right whatsoever to tell her what she should and shouldn't do to her own body, which is the way it should be. It's just that two safeties rather than one would be much better piece of mind, because I've noticed she can get very carried away in the heat of the moment. She's very confident and expert in other aspects of the bedroom fun, but I'm just a bit concerned that she's not as safe-sex-concious as maybe she should be. Is my worry totally misplaced or could it just become destructive for the relationship as a whole?

Forget the confidence/experience thing. No you don't have a right to tell her what to put in her body. But you also have a right not to put your bits in her body if you are concerned about pregancy. Nothing wrong with telling her this.

Look simple truth is this, unless you or your partner are biologically sterile, sex involves some level of risk of pregnancy irregardless of what method you use.
Comparison of differnt birth control methods here:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Comparison_of_birth_control_methods
If you want hard data, you want to know the PEARL index for a method:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pearl_index
Now bear in mind Pearl indexes are NOT simple percentages - the maths are a little....... obtuse....and bears some thinking about.
And also bear in mind that these PEARL indexes are based on perfect use (i.e. following the instructions to the letter)
Edit: Look at the typical use failure rate vs perfect use failure rate.....I bet that will raise a few eyebrows.....


Its up to you both first as individuals and then as a couple what level of risk you are willing to tolerate. If you both have different risk thresholds, then maybe its best not to stay together. But do have a good chat about it before deciding that!

OS119

opinion guy wrote: »

Its up to you both first as individuals and then as a couple what level of risk you are willing to tolerate. If you both have different risk thresholds, then maybe its best not to stay together. But do have a good chat about it before deciding that!

what he said...

if you really, really don't want a baby, then a condom is not sufficient.

simple as that.

its crude, but riding a hot, fit girl is absolutely not worth having an unwanted baby over - and not because i'm jealous. to be safe, really safe, then she needs to be protected, you need to be protected, and you need a spare (spermicidal cream) for if any of the first two fail - its not romantic, and it can be a right passion killer, but nothing like a 1 month old baby is...

if she can't handle that much faff, and you can't handle running the risk that doing without the faff means, then you need to stop having sex with her.

sorry.

ladymarmalade

Don't mean to sound obnoxious here but, you had sex with the girl the night after you did everything 'bar' sex with her. However despite your concerns re contraception you still went ahead and had sex ? After the first nights closeness you must have thought it could lead to more and had ample time to think about your safe sex options.

LegacyUser

Thanks everyone for the replies so far, basically what ye're saying is:

1. Condoms probably OK, but not totally reliable. That's just a passion killer for me I'm afraid.

2. I can't tell her what she can and can't do.

3. I probably did rush into it. I think it was the case also that neither of us have had sex in quite a while so we were very up for it.

I realize that this issue isn't 'her fault' or anything, in that it's totally in my head and how I see it.

I was initially supposed to meet her next Tuesday, what I think I'll do is ask to meet up for a chat (she lives across the road from where I work) and explain the situation to her. Does this seem like the most sensible option now?

opinion guy

SafetyConcious wrote: »

......
I was initially supposed to meet her next Tuesday, what I think I'll do is ask to meet up for a chat (she lives across the road from where I work) and explain the situation to her. Does this seem like the most sensible option now?

Um might be a bit full on don't you think ? Sort of presumptuous that you guys are going to be screwing on a regular basis. Don't get me wrong I DO think you two should talk, but to ask to meet up after a week specifially to talk about safe sex seems a bit ...yeah presumptuous. Maybe try a slightly subtler approach - as in next time you guys are due to meet up, do so and just be as you normally would but talk about it then before things get hot and heavy.

i dunno - just my impression, maybe others have different view

Nevyn

It depends on the person, personally I prefer to have such conversations open honestly and early on, but not everyone is as comfortable being as up front about safe sex and contraception as I would be.

Still if her nose get out of joint of she doesn't take on your concerns seriously then maybe no matter how desirable and delightful she is, she maybe not a good partner for you, and esp so to my mind if you are looking at a no strings possible fúck buddy set up for a while until you see if you are more suited.

opinion guy

Thaedydal wrote: »

.......
Still if her nose get out of joint of she doesn't take on your concerns seriously then maybe no matter how desirable and delightful she is, she maybe not a good partner for you........

Good point

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies everyone, I think there's two of us in it in terms of bad judgment. Thaedydal, I'd be very much like yourself in that I prefer to discuss this type of thing seriously, clearly and openly. That way the bedroom can be strictly for fun Turns out things are not as bad as they seem:

I was talking to her on the phone there just now about something else, and then the conversation moved on to this issue. So I basically explained that as far as I was concerned, this was a deal-breaker for me, and that it wasn't anything she had done or her fault or anything.

Turns out she had been planning to go on something anyway for medical reasons and has an appointment about it this week, but she said she was fine with not doing anything risky until she'd started it too. I'm much happier with that, seen as we do get on well together, and it means the responsibility is shared which means stuff is less likely to go wrong.

00112984

OP, firstly can I just say well done on being so pro-activey safety conscious. I think that a lot of women get frustrated with men either presuming they're on the pill or expecting them to go on it and not taking responsibility for what really is a two-person issue.

SafetyConcious wrote: »

Turns out she had been planning to go on something anyway for medical reasons and has an appointment about it this week, but she said she was fine with not doing anything risky until she'd started it too.

If the "something" she's going on is the pill (or any other hormonal contraceptive, for that matter), she'll need to listen closely to her doctor to determine when it kicks in as effectiveness isn't immediate. Might be worth asking fhe for a read of the little info booklet that'll come with the product so you can get a little "do and don't" list together for yourself. Simple things like the fact that a lot of antibiotics will counter-act the pill is common knowledge but I must admit, I didn't know it and my doctor never mentioned it when prescribing me and antibiotic a few months after going on the pill (through the same doctor). Thankfully, I have a very smart mother who never fell over herself to set me right :cool:

Anyway, best of luck with the new romance. If you two are being this careful and open with eachother so soon into things, maybe it'll be the starting point for something great.

kittenkiller

Have you considered the withdrawal method as your back up?
I know it's effectiveness is much much less than hormonal methods, but at least this way you're giving yourself some peace of mind and you don't have to ask anything too extreme of your new partner.

If a new guy asked me to go on the pill to back up condoms it'd be time to ask a whole lot of very serious relationship-py questions about the commitment that involves tbh.
Only ask if you think you'll be ok with the answers.

opinion guy

kittenkiller wrote: »

Have you considered the withdrawal method as your back up?
I know it's effectiveness is much much less than hormonal methods, but at least this way you're giving yourself some peace of mind and you don't have to ask anything too extreme of your new partner.

If a new guy asked me to go on the pill to back up condoms it'd be time to ask a whole lot of very serious relationship-py questions about the commitment that involves tbh.
Only ask if you think you'll be ok with the answers.

For the love of God and all that is Holy - NOOOO

Withdrawal method is USELESS.
The only security it would give you is FALSE security

See the table:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Comparison_of_birth_control_methods

Tpyical use failure rate - 27%
but wait its worse than that - look down the table - unprotected sex - 85%.
Thats right 27 % DOES NOT mean 27% of what would have been pregnancies it means of what COULD have been pregnancies.

if you want the relative risk of withdrawal vs no contraception its 27/85
= approx 1/3. In other words withdrawal method has 1/3 the risk of pregnancy as not withdrawing.

ya want to play those odds. Not me.

shellyboo

opinion guy wrote: »

For the love of God and all that is Holy - NOOOO

Withdrawal method is USELESS.
The only security it would give you is FALSE security

See the table:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Comparison_of_birth_control_methods

Tpyical use failure rate - 27%
but wait its worse than that - look down the table - unprotected sex - 85%.
Thats right 27 % DOES NOT mean 27% of what would have been pregnancies it means of what COULD have been pregnancies.

if you want the relative risk of withdrawal vs no contraception its 27/85
= approx 1/3. In other words withdrawal method has 1/3 the risk of pregnancy as not withdrawing.

ya want to play those odds. Not me.

As a BACKUP, they said. Not as a method on its own. As in, wear a condom AND pull out before he comes. Those two methods combined are just as reliable as any two others, tbh.

OP, I've been in two long-ish relationships where condoms were the only contraception and I have never had a condom break in either of those - so in a full year, no accidents and no babies.

I've had one "accident" where the condom "fell off" (the guy was possibly distracted by the pig flying across the room :rolleyes:), so I got the MAP, got tested, blah.


If you are careful and aware, condoms are a perfectly fine method of contraception. Check them before you put them on, after you use them. Keep your fingernails short to reduce the risk of tearing them, make sure you store them correctly.

For peace of mind, certainly use the pill as well. But for some women (like me) hormonal contraception just isn't an option as it plays havoc with moods - I've never had any problems with just condoms. People on here are acting like you're taking a major risk of pregnancy having sex with "just" a condom - that's not true.

Nevyn

Statics say that unless you are extremely diligent then yes you are at risk of getting pregnant just using condoms. With out knowing all the details of a couple's fertility, personal testimonies are all well and good but fertility is a individual thing and it is better to be extra safe then sorry.

I know a couple who only ever used condoms for 6 years and never got pregnant, when they started to try found that they could not with out medical intervention.

shellyboo

Thaedydal wrote: »

Statics say that unless you are extremely diligent then yes you are at risk of getting pregnant just using condoms. With out knowing all the details of a couple's fertility, personal testimonies are all well and good but fertility is a individual thing and it is better to be extra safe then sorry.

Unless you're diligent, you are at risk of getting pregnant just using the Pill as well. There's more room for human error with condoms, that's obvious... but let's not act like if they continue using just condoms that they're being ridiculously careless.

I agree that it's better to be extra safe than sorry, and I'm not suggesting that the OP use ONLY condoms - but the opinion here seems to be that condoms are barely worth using when it comes to preventing pregnancy, which simply isn't true. Combined with withdrawal, as mentioned above, they would be perfectly safe, and wouldn't involve the OP's partner having to take hormonal contraception if she doesn't want to. It's a legitimate option for couples.

Thaedydal wrote: »

I know a couple who only ever used condoms for 6 years and never got pregnant, when they started to try found that they could not with out medical intervention.

And thanks for that lovely thought - it's a bit scaremongering, tbh. If you've managed to use condoms successfully as contraception you might have fertility problems? Cheers.

opinion guy

shellyboo

i/ actually agree with you that just using condoms is probably ok. but they have flaws. pill also has flaws too (apart from needin to be took everyday other meds can mess it up and people don't always know that)

however i hugely reject any suggestion that anyone use the withdrawal method as any form of contraception. the only thing it achieves is a false sense of security. eg - if the condom rips or comes off are they going to say oh but he withdrew so then won't take MAP? 9 months later a surprise arrives. BAD BAD BAD idea.

OP if she starting pill anyhow then between that and the condoms you shoudl be set. just make sure to find out when the pill will have taken effect cause its not instant

kittenkiller

opinion guy wrote: »

For the love of God and all that is Holy - NOOOO

Withdrawal method is USELESS.
The only security it would give you is FALSE security

See the table:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Comparison_of_birth_control_methods

Tpyical use failure rate - 27%
but wait its worse than that - look down the table - unprotected sex - 85%.
Thats right 27 % DOES NOT mean 27% of what would have been pregnancies it means of what COULD have been pregnancies.

if you want the relative risk of withdrawal vs no contraception its 27/85
= approx 1/3. In other words withdrawal method has 1/3 the risk of pregnancy as not withdrawing.

ya want to play those odds. Not me.

Easy there tiger, as Shellyboo so kindly pointed out after ready my entire post (thanks , the idea is to use it to promote peace of mind for someone who worries like the OP does.
In conjunction with the use of condoms I can't see any issue with the OP practicing this method.
No where in my post did I say the OP should just pull out whenever he feels like it and then there'd be no chance of his partner falling pregnant!

However pushing the pill on someone who you're just after hooking up with and aren't officially going out with is a fair whack to ask of someone just for a shag or two don't you think?

shellyboo

opinion guy wrote: »

shellyboo

i/ actually agree with you that just using condoms is probably ok. but they have flaws. pill also has flaws too (apart from needin to be took everyday other meds can mess it up and people don't always know that)

however i hugely reject any suggestion that anyone use the withdrawal method as any form of contraception. the only thing it achieves is a false sense of security. eg - if the condom rips or comes off are they going to say oh but he withdrew so then won't take MAP? 9 months later a surprise arrives. BAD BAD BAD idea.

Hang on, now. If you're having sex, and the condoms rips and you continue having sex, then of course you're at risk. Nobody said anything about using withdrawal as a method of contraception on its own, which is what it would be if the condom ripped.

Having sex with an INTACT condom and withdrawing before ejaculating inside said intact condom leaves you with an absolutely minute risk of getting pregnant.

If a condom breaks, you need to go get the morning after pill, regardless of whether you pulled out before ejaculation or not. Nobody said otherwise.

ash23

Look, the only way of totally avoiding pregnancy is total abstinece. No messing around, clothes on at all times.
Of course there are ways of reducing the risk but the reality is that no matter what is used there is a risk.

I cannot take any sort of synthetic hormone. It makes me moody and depressed and I gain weight.
I had an unplanned pregnancy in my teens when I was young and a bit new to the whole thing. We used a condom but somewhere in the process it disappeared and the bloke neglected to mention that fact :mad:

I ended up with a bundle of joy while he scarpered.

I was in a relationship for years and we used a combination of natural family planning and condoms. No pregnancy.

Now I'm single I use the same. I would avoid sex at my fertile times and I am religious about condoms. I put them on and I check to make sure they stay on.
If a guy I was having sex with had a problem with using condoms only then let him off on his merry way. I amn't willing to suffer through the moods, acne, weight gain etc that synthetic hormones bring.
I would be open to the idea of also using spermicide, diaphragm ot withdrawel in conjunction with condoms but no, I wouldn't go on the pill or get an IUD for a casual shag.

Nevyn

Different people have different contraception needs and differing fertility rates.
Hormoanal contraception is not for everywoman and there are more options then that.

There is a skill set when it comes to using a condom and some people are better at it then others and some are not.

Generally speaking condoms alone are not sufficient if you wish to prevent a pregnancy completely and a lot of women do not want to have to use back up or emergency contraception if one fails and they do become aware of it.

If anyone wants a proper informed opinion then talk to your dr about it, be your male or female.