Long Term Relationship Success

DagneyTaggart

...No I don't have the answers to it but I was hoping that amongst us we could share wisdom on what you have found to encourage relationships to continue to be fun/work over time.

There are many threads here about relationships that have ended for varying reasons after X number of years which initially started off great. This scares me! I was recently fortunate to have met someone I get on well with and so I guess that why I opened the door to this forum in the first place. However, seeing so many stories of couples falling out of love is worrisome.

I was wondering whether posters would have a sentence or two on this topic possibly from experience (apologies if there is a recent thread in this area). Many thanks.

Dagney.

OS119

Hi OP,

in my very humble opinion you need one overiding thing: an end in sight.

you need either a time frame, or an 'achievable circumstances' frame for it to work.

LDR's are a nightmare, hard to get right, easy to screw up, expensive and often not very much fun even if its going reasonably well.

that's it, you need an objective that both sides want and can achieve, the rest is merely how you achieve it - or rather how you manage the separation - though how much effort is put into it, and how much effort each half perceives the other half is putting into it, is often critical to success.

good luck, coz you'll need it.

username123

I think you have to be aware and willing to grow and change together and to encourage each other to follow things that make you happy.

Compromise is always important too. As is having your own life and not just being wrapped up in the other person, its so important to have your own interests and friends and to be able to do your own thing - while still doing things with each other too.

And good communication is super important.

LegacyUser

OS119 wrote: »

Hi OP,

in my very humble opinion you need one overiding thing: an end in sight.

you need either a time frame, or an 'achievable circumstances' frame for it to work.

LDR's are a nightmare, hard to get right, easy to screw up, expensive and often not very much fun even if its going reasonably well.

that's it, you need an objective that both sides want and can achieve, the rest is merely how you achieve it - or rather how you manage the separation - though how much effort is put into it, and how much effort each half perceives the other half is putting into it, is often critical to success.

good luck, coz you'll need it.

I think the OP was talking about long term relationships, not long distance relationships.

Wibbs

As a man you should get involved in the relationship. Keep it fun. Boredom is the killer of attraction. You need attraction or one of you will look elsewhere. Usually her as she won't be "feeling it anymore/love you but not in love with you" That's the loss of sexual attraction for the most part. IMHO it's mostly women who break up LTR, usually at the 2/3/4 year mark. Once the relationship gets going it's rarely before as the in love feelings are strong and it's less likely at say 8 years, often because you're lives are so intertwined its harder to leave, but usually cos youve navigated the dodgy two year blues.

I'm addressing it to you as the guy for a few reasons. First and foremost you cant change another you can only hope to change yourself. Secondly my thinking on this is that generally men prefer the status quo, "sure isnt it fine, we love each other" approach in a relationship. How many women in LTR are frustrated and waiting for the guy to suggest moving in or marriage? Women on the other hand are more dynamic, more questioning of the relationship, need more emotional stimulation and are more concerned with what's coming next(women as a group discuss relationships far more than men and invest more of their esteem in them too). I would say in a way womens romantic love is more conditional on how the man is shaping up.

So keep being involved. Work at the relationship. Work on yourself. Listen to her and dont believe the guff that "men cant understand women". It's an excuse and pretty lame one too. Listen to her cos she will tell you what she needs. Learn to read and listen to the woman you love. EG If she says something like "we never go out anymore", don't reply "we went out two weeks ago". What she"s saying is "we dont go out enough, I don't feel the relationship or me is appreciated enough" in that example. She has to work on it too. If she doesn't make sure she knows she's not pulling her weight, but not in a huffy or aggressive way. Talk about your relationship from time to time. Most men don't and only start when the women dumps them, then they can't talk about it enough.

Try not to go to bed angry. Don't assume that just because the argument is over, that the reason for the argument has been solved. Early on in the relationship, you'll probably find some niggle that troubles you about her or the relationship. In the mad pash love stage you'll ignore it, but try not to. I would say a lot of the time the niggles one has about teh other person at the very start, the niggles that don't change, are some of the biggest reasons you split up

Remember that people split all the time, but also remember that many don't. You only have to get lucky once and with work you can make that last. So if you're falling for someone now, dont sweat it, enjoy it and at the same time be mindful that it's a dynamic thing and it will change over time and sometimes you have to work through those changes.

Good luck and fair play that you;re falling for someone:)

Oryx

How to keep a ltr going, the potted version.

Recognise that love changes. It doesnt always remain exciting, it becomes comfortable.
Continue to talk to each other.
Remember your partner is a gift, not a possession.
Keep common interests.
Keep separate interests.
Do things together.
Tell the truth about important things.
Have regular sex.
Be friends, above all.

CathyMoran

Communication is one of the key things.

DagneyTaggart

It seems I'm limited in my thanks. Thanks for the all of your replies. Taking on board your experience and will continue to give it a lash and hope it continues to go well.

Many thanks. Dagney.

hollis12

keep it fun, communication is a big factor, be on the same level and the most important relationships are the ones where you can be friends aswell

Red Alert

It comes down I think to a few things:

Long-term compatibility Some people, although they get on well, just aren't compatible long term. This mightn't be personal - it might also be lifestyle, work or outlook-related.

Circumstances one of the partners in the relationship may have big work commitments, or it may be a long-term relationship.

Low/high maintenance Again a compatibility issue, but slightly different. Some people just need more contact than others. Very high maintenance can often equal insecurity. Overly low-maintenance could mean disinterest. (Personally, I'd be a low-maintenance type, and prefer low-maintenance girls. Everyone to their own.) Eventually one partner gets tired of making the effort, or the other feels trapped.

Importance of the relationship to both parties A relationship which is solid and brings new experiences to the life of both parties is going to probably last longer than one which just happens because it's convenient.

DagneyTaggart

Unfortunately, we broke up 5 months ago. Took a notion to re-read these posts today. In re-reading it, it's all really good advice, hope more will take heed.