Question for the Men?

LegacyUser · 02-10-2009 2:02pm #1

Hi this is just a quick question for the guys on here, but ladies also feel free to add your insight

. Ok, so if you had asked a girl out, taken her number etc. called to arrange a date, had said date and it went well, had fun etc. Girl didn't text you after the date but spoke to you next time you saw each other casually but friendly...etc. would you be put off by her nonchalance? What i'm bascially asking is....would you be put off by a women who is friendly and chatty and interested in going out on dates with you but seemingly wants to take things slowly, in other words is interested but doesn't make the moves or pursue you? or does it make you want her even more? Would you prefer her to tell you upfront how she feels about you or would you rather make the effort to find out for yourself.

finbarrk · 02-10-2009 2:08pm

I wouldn't be put off by a woman wanting to take her time. I would still want to get to bed with her sometime though especially as I had gone on a date with her in the first place.

Mr. Incognito · 02-10-2009 2:11pm

Oh my God.

You and ALL IRISH WOMEN LISTEN UP.

If you went on a date with the guy and then treat him at arms length don't be surprised if he says well I guess she's not interested and disappears while you call all men bastrds and go eat a bar of chocolate.

If you do not make the moves or pursue it does not constitute "taking it slow" it constitutes "get lost"

MEN CANNOT READ MINDS.

If you want to take it slow say, "Hey I really enjoyed our date and am interested but I want to take things slow"

He will reply. "Thanks, was wondering why the hell you were acting so weird"

How are women so clueless on this. I cannot tell you the amount of times I've gotten a girls number and gotten no reply. What the heck is the point.

Do we have to half stalk you into submission and be labelled freaks? Heck no. That's why they're at home eating chocolate and I'm dating the one that said- go for a walk the next day? Sure, why not- see you in 5.

No games. They don't work.

Terodil · 02-10-2009 2:11pm

unregistered wrote: »

Hi this is just a quick question for the guys on here, but ladies also feel free to add your insight . Ok, so if you had asked a girl out, taken her number etc. called to arrange a date, had said date and it went well, had fun etc. Girl didn't text you after the date but spoke to you next time you saw each other casually but friendly...etc. would you be put off by her nonchalance? What i'm bascially asking is....would you be put off by a women who is friendly and chatty and interested in going out on dates with you but seemingly wants to take things slowly, in other words is interested but doesn't make the moves or pursue you? or does it make you want her even more? Would you prefer her to tell you upfront how she feels about you or would you rather make the effort to find out for yourself.

IMO: There's a difference between taking it slowly and being disinterested.

I would not necessarily be put off after one time, but if she never tried to contact me even after several times, I would be annoyed, doubt her interest in me, and either just leave it because I have better to do than to run after a person obviously not into me or bring it up and ask her to finally declare her intents.

In other words, playing games is stupid.

Wibbs · 02-10-2009 2:11pm

Me personally? I like an equal thing going on. I don't do chasing. So if I asked a woman out, it went well, but then she didn't seem to pushed in replying, then I would assume that it wasn't there for her as far as me being a romantic option and that's cool. No harm no foul. It could be me feeling the same in other circumstances. I doubt I would pursue it after that and likely chalk it up as a nice date and that's it. That's me though. Lots of guys like the chase and games and suchlike.

Wibbs · 02-10-2009 2:21pm

Mr. Incognito again puts it more forcefully,:) but yep pretty much.

I figure I've a lot to offer in a relationship. More than a helluva lot out there and if they don't want to be a part of that, then fine. Hey they just may feel after the date, "yea he's alright but not really my type" and that's absolutely fine too. We don't click sexually with everyone. I could have been a gobshíte on the date too. She could have not been in the mood. Any reason really, but as I say I value myself and what I offer, so if shes not up for it, someone else would be, so no apparent interest on her side would make me go Next!.

If I found she did like me and didn't make that somewhat clear. replying, suggesting something else for us to do and meet up that sort of thing. Not exactly stalky, I'd probably think twice about her anyway. As I said I like am attracted to and demand an equal partnership. I dont wanna look up to someone, nor look down on someone, I want eyeball to eyeball. Playing games or emotional reticence upsets that equality

ash23 · 02-10-2009 2:25pm

Hmmmmm...I'm a girl and usually quite forward. I've asked guys out and I've called them first after a date. But that doesn't seem to work. They seem to retract more when I do that. I hate playing games but it feels like I have to.

The only guys I've ever formed a proper relationship with are the ones who I have turned down repeatedly...... hmmmm....ponder.....

OS119 · 02-10-2009 2:26pm

Wibbs wrote: »

Me personally? I like an equal thing going on. I don't do chasing. So if I asked a woman out, it went well, but then she didn't seem to pushed in replying, then I would assume that it wasn't there for her as far as me being a romantic option and that's cool. No harm no foul. It could be me feeling the same in other circumstances. I doubt I would pursue it after that and likely chalk it up as a nice date and that's it. That's me though. Lots of guys like the chase and games and suchlike.

^^^that^^^

if you can't be arsed to put the same effort and enthusiasm into the start of (whole of?) a relationship that you expect the bloke to go to, don't be surprised when we say 'fcukit' and not bother calling you again.

if i want to play 5 year olds, i'll work in an infants school.

LegacyUser · 02-10-2009 2:35pm

OP here again, what if you guys did have some chemistry and you had a bit of kissing action on the date?. I understand what you guys are saying about games etc, but in reality a relationship is all about games, whether conscious or not! There will always be pull and push and a convincer and resistor in each relationship and the balance shifts alot over the course of it. If you text her and each time she responds cheerfully and positively would that not be a sign she's interested plus the action on the date? I'm just wondering as i've watched alot of my friends show interest in a guy from the beginning, call, text and it's been taken for granted. I'm not saying all guys are like that but it's another example of the relationship balance! What's the best way for a woman to let a guy know she's interested without seeming too forward?

Mr. Incognito · 02-10-2009 2:40pm

OP here again, what if you guys did have some chemistry and you had a bit of kissing action on the date?. I understand what you guys are saying about games etc, but in reality a relationship is all about games, whether conscious or not! There will always be pull and push and a convincer and resistor in each relationship and the balance shifts alot over the course of it. If you text her and each time she responds cheerfully and positively would that not be a sign she's interested plus the action on the date? I'm just wondering as i've watched alot of my friends show interest in a guy from the beginning, call, text and it's been taken for granted. I'm not saying all guys are like that but it's another example of the relationship balance! What's the best way for a woman to let a guy know she's interested without seeming too forward?

No offense but this post kinda makes it clear to me you've never had a proper relationship. Every person is different but when you find the right one there's none of that crap. As you get older you can weed them out quicker through experience.

There is no such thing as too forward with the right person. If you like them. Tell them. If they like you they will tell you.

Leave the psycho babble in the playground.

OS119 · 02-10-2009 2:46pm

unregistered wrote: »

What's the best way for a woman to let a guy know she's interested without seeming too forward?

after a first date:

do say "d'you fancy going to that X on Saturday night?"

don't say "would you like to come to mums house on Sunday for dinner and Mass, some 40 of my closest relatives will be there to question you about your motives, financial stability and sexual health"

its pretty easy, even a woman could get it...

lifelonglufc · 02-10-2009 2:58pm

Mr. Incognito wrote: »

Oh my God.

You and ALL IRISH WOMEN LISTEN UP.

If you went on a date with the guy and then treat him at arms length don't be surprised if he says well I guess she's not interested and disappears while you call all men bastrds and go eat a bar of chocolate.

If you do not make the moves or pursue it does not constitute "taking it slow" it constitutes "get lost"

MEN CANNOT READ MINDS.

If you want to take it slow say, "Hey I really enjoyed our date and am interested but I want to take things slow"

He will reply. "Thanks, was wondering why the hell you were acting so weird"

How are women so clueless on this. I cannot tell you the amount of times I've gotten a girls number and gotten no reply. What the heck is the point.

Do we have to half stalk you into submission and be labelled freaks? Heck no. That's why they're at home eating chocolate and I'm dating the one that said- go for a walk the next day? Sure, why not- see you in 5.

No games. They don't work.

I logged in just so I could +1 this post!

The truth has been spoken, girls please take note!!

Wibbs · 02-10-2009 2:59pm

unregistered wrote: »

OP here again, what if you guys did have some chemistry and you had a bit of kissing action on the date?. I understand what you guys are saying about games etc, but in reality a relationship is all about games, whether conscious or not! There will always be pull and push and a convincer and resistor in each relationship and the balance shifts alot over the course of it.

Funny I would agree to some degree alright. I also think that too many men are not taking enough of a lead in relationships in general and leave too much to the woman. People do play games all the time. That said it's the degree of them. If the relationship never gets started because of games it's no benefit.

If you text her and each time she responds cheerfully and positively would that not be a sign she's interested plus the action on the date?

Ye and no. I've snogged women on dates that afterwards told me they just didnt feel it and I've done the same. They were friendly with me after too. I don't do huffy either and I don't expect it from a woman. A sign of interest would be after the date, her txting/ringing/emailing me to say something like "hows you, *small talk* have you anything going on this weekend? Fancy meeting up?" Nothing stalky nor desperate at all. If hes not interested then his answer will tell you that. In the same way you're dealing with this guy. If hes non commital that's a damned good sign he's not pushed. I would say thats how many men show their lack of interest. Non commital responses, so if they get that from a woman they'll naturally assume the same.

I'm just wondering as i've watched alot of my friends show interest in a guy from the beginning, call, text and it's been taken for granted. I'm not saying all guys are like that but it's another example of the relationship balance!

It can happen alright. again I think it's to the degree involved. I will say some women assume if a guy is non commtal he's acting like she would. She's assuming he is interested in her cos he's being friendly and chatting with her. So they often ramp up the interest to an exessive degree. Then it puts the guy off or he takes it for granted.

What's the best way for a woman to let a guy know she's interested without seeming too forward?

Think like a man. Most men are afraid to show interest for fear of being knocked back. So if you give him any sniff of interest it'll have the right effect IMHO. You dont need to go overboard, just "what are you up to at the weekend? If he misses that hint, he's either not interested or he's a tard. neither of which you want as a BF.

Kimia · 02-10-2009 3:06pm

unregistered wrote: »

...but in reality a relationship is all about games, whether conscious or not! There will always be pull and push and a convincer and resistor in each relationship and the balance shifts alot over the course of it. ..

What a load of old nonsense. Relationships are equal, or they are supposed to be anyway.

And if you're interested, just say you're interested. It's not that complex.

ash23 · 02-10-2009 3:09pm

Wibbs wrote: »

I will say some women assume if a guy is non commtal he's acting like she would. She's assuming he is interested in her cos he's being friendly and chatting with her. So they often ramp up the interest to an exessive degree. Then it puts the guy off or he takes it for granted.
Think like a man. Most men are afraid to show interest for fear of being knocked back. So if you give him any sniff of interest it'll have the right effect IMHO. You dont need to go overboard, just "what are you up to at the weekend? If he misses that hint, he's either not interested or he's a tard. neither of which you want as a BF.

You have just summed up why I am still single. Guilty as charged!!! Thanks. Seriously, thanks

I've been thinking about this topic for a while and you've just given me a "Eureka!" moment.
Cheers

G-Money · 02-10-2009 4:01pm

For me it's pretty simple, if the girl appears to show no interest, then I decide that all I'm doing is wasting my time and inflating her ego. If I went out with a girl and we got on well and seemed to click and afterwards I make an attempt to keep things going and she doesn't reciprocate, I'd be gone.

Some women can be incredibly fickle and as men, we know this. Also we don't want to look like fools chasing some girl around who's not interested. We don't want to look like she's the Pied Piper and we are just blindly running along after her.

I agree with someone earlier who mentioned about the girl saying something like "I want to take things slow if that's ok". Basically to the guy that translates as "Ah cool, she's interested and want's to take it slowly, nice one." And that way we know where we stand, we know she's interested and we know we're not wasting our time.

Some women like to make men out to be stupid because they didn't pick up on their "signals". That's because you can't pick up on something that doesn't exist. Being standoffish and aloof will just drive someone away. Would you really go after a guy who reacted that way to you? Of course not.

The mind reading point is a good one. I often think that while some women say they don't expect men to be mind readers, I can't shake the feeling that they secretly do. But they dare not admit it because of how unreasonable it is.

If you've been out with a guy, if he's shown interest, if you like him, let him know. Don't play hard to get, but a comment about taking it slow or verbally showing your interest will be interpreted correctly. If you act disinterested, it will be interpreted that way, as it rightly should be.

Wibbs · 02-10-2009 5:37pm

I dont think women expect men to read minds, but they do often expect men to be able to read women's signals and most men cant. Most women cant read mens signals too welleither, though they are better at it as from an early age most women have been approached by a long line of men chancing their arm and they have the advantage that theyre usually the ones that are the "pursued".

Liam Byrne · 02-10-2009 7:10pm

Wibbs wrote: »

I dont think women expect men to read minds, but they do often expect men to be able to read women's signals and most men cant. Most women cant read mens signals too welleither, though they are better at it as from an early age most women have been approached by a long line of men chancing their arm and they have the advantage that theyre usually the ones that are the "pursued".

Ah but you're forgetting one thing, Wibbs - a woman's prerogative to change her mind - and back again - and change it again - and back again, etc.

LegacyUser · 02-10-2009 9:27pm

Mr. Incognito wrote: »

How are women so clueless on this. I cannot tell you the amount of times I've gotten a girls number and gotten no reply. What the heck is the point.

ease up there. Men have their own clueless traits too you know. Just because a man calls me a slut because I don't want to go out with him, doesn't mean I'm going to think ALL men have the same 'charm'.

The girl's just asking for advice, she hasn't said she's here asking a question on behalf of all women in the world.

Mr. Incognito · 03-10-2009 3:27am

Just because a man calls me a slut because I don't want to go out with him

That has absolutely nothing to do with the comment you quoted.

None whatsoever. I would think that a man calling you a slut because you don't want to go out with him is an apparent contradiction.

LegacyUser · 03-10-2009 9:53am

You say how can women be so clueless? I'm just saying men can be clueless too. I don't think it's fair to tar all women as being clueless

I know it's a contradiction when a man has said to me that I'm a slut for not wanting to be with him, it's still not nice to hear it. I'm out to enjoy my night, not to be insulted because I have my own mind

Question for the Men?

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