Problems with my son

troubleshooter

My son is 19 and lives with me in London, his girlfriend who is 30 also lives with us, which is ok cause shes calmed him down alot. He runs a webdesign biz and goes to college 2 days of the week, hes v clever. He also plays alot of poker which his very good at, often stays out till 5am playing in casinos, he does not get up until 3 or 4 pm most days, if I ask him to tidy up, he will say get a cleaner etc, wont lift a finger, big attitude problem, if I dont cook or his girlfriends not around he will just eat out or order take aways. Wont wash up he tells me to buy lots of plates and cultlery from argos and just chuck it away.

Too lazy to learn to drive cause he says he prefers taking cabs etc. This is with his own money from his biz and poker. Things havecalmed down alot, 6 months ago his mates and him were getting ecsorts around partying etc.

Hes also got this thing where he feels he can bribe people to get his own way, he told me he was going to pay a friend to take his driving test asks me how easy it is to bribe your way out if you ever get arrested etc, said hes buying a degree from an overseas university, and loads of other stuff, constantly tries to invent new frauds and then asks me about it.

I fear for him, his got zero sense of maturity, too lazy to even open his mail, I talk to him but he cant see the problem, what way should I go about trying to get him on a more even path in life ?

Yakult

Talk to him about moving out? He seems to have the money and tbh it will teach him to mature up in life when he has responsabilitys.

Xterminator

Well part of the problem is you are facilitating his behaviour.

when they move out, they are faced with the situation that if they dont make an effort at basic cleaning, they live in filth.

Even if they are happy to do this when friends & GF's come over, an amount of pressure is generated, to maintain minimum standards.

also i doubt he appriciates how much effort goes into cleaning , cooking and doing the laundry.

i would recomend you ask him to move out, as you want your privacy, and you dont need the aggrivation. It may be the best method you have availble to you, as i fear as long as your there to clean up after him, he will never fell the need to change his ways.

troubleshooter

Throught about it but I can keep an eye on him at home, worry about him getting into trouble, I hope its just an immaturity thing.

wolfric

I suppose at this stage it's a little hard. If he has money to do all that, why hasn't he moved out? i'd suggest this for a start.
Second at this stage you can only try to help but can't force him to change his ways. He's old enough now to be independent and if you try force something on him more then likely he'll reject due to his "independence" with money.

Your house your rules for other issues. If he doesn't want to clean up then tell him to get out. Coming home late and waking you? get out.

Taltos

troubleshooter wrote: »

Throught about it but I can keep an eye on him at home, worry about him getting into trouble, I hope its just an immaturity thing.

Again with the facilitation.
If he is old enough to have a 30 yr old girlfriend and go to casino's he is old enough to move out and start taking responsibility for himself.

Yes he might fall on his face - but we all do and this is part of growing up. Sometimes the harder you fall the more you learn.

Time to cut those strings - pack his bags and wish him the best with his adventures in adult-hood.

I know it is tough for you - but the longer you make it easier on him the harder it will be for you both.
Know this as just a few mts ago I met a 40yr old in Aus living with his mum - great chap but has no real idea of his own responsibilities...

Cuddlesworth

Kick him out and remove the safety net. It's pretty clear cut.

troubleshooter

Hes also on anti depressants for depression, he exists in a state of disorder, if I kick him out its possible he could get worse, before the anti depressants he used to go beserk if the curtains were pulled, stayed in his room on the pc playing poker all the time, since then he going out etc, getting a life, build a small biz etc.

Brought him to a psychiatrist, but they could not offer much help. Going to challenge him later to tidy his room sgt major style, should be fun, attempting to get anything done equals major confrontation. The girl friend does not lift a finger either, he would stop her tidying the room to try to annoy me.

It will start with him telling me that I have issues in telling him his room should be tidy and its me whos being irrational.

Taltos

Sorry.

But he is 19.
What lesson are you teaching him if you continue to act as the demanding mother?
I am not saying you are wrong here - I am not a parent and with good reason. But what he needs is some form of independence - a space he can call his own - and when he gets sick of the mess either tidy it or hire someone.

Why not see if there is a flat close by - so you are close if (IF) he needs you - but far enough away that at 19 he can figure out who he is.
As to the older girlfriend - she has already done her growing up - hope she allows him to do the same. But right now it seems like she is enjoying the free-ride and the inbuilt maid...

Oh The Humanity

troubleshooter wrote: »

Throught about it but I can keep an eye on him at home, worry about him getting into trouble, I hope its just an immaturity thing.

Theres your problem right there.

When I was reading your post your son reminded me of a bloke I know whose Mother gave him everything and did everything for him and spoilt him as he grew up. He ended up like your son in adulthood, saw housework, cooking etc as beneath him and rather than wash clothes he would buy new ones.

Its not your job to keep an eye on a 19 year old adult who is earning his own cash. And as for letting his 30 year old GF live with him. Its no wonder this guy thinks he is invincible. His sense of entitlement is quite off the scale.

He is going to get into trouble. Because he has not been allowed develop the life skills to cope with normal adult stuff.

You need to back off and stop enabling him. Also you cannot supervise him for the rest of your life.

ellie1

he is not going to change at the moment.

You cannot control his life nor can you help him or fix him at this time.

If you are not in a place where you can ask him to leave (you enabling in some ways to continue living this lifestyle) you need to change your own behaviour and thinking towards it.

What are you gaining by constantly worrying (all parents worry and want to potect their children) and trying to help him???

Is your behaviour(worrying, controlling enabling , facilitating) getting you what you want?? (your son to behave in a more meaningful and mature way)

clearly its not, so change it.
If you cant do it alone, talk to a professional. (not about your son, about how it is affecting you)

Your his mother and want to protect him however you have done the best that you can do and are entitled to your own life.

Cuddlesworth

troubleshooter wrote: »

Hes also on anti depressants for depression, he exists in a state of disorder, if I kick him out its possible he could get worse, before the anti depressants he used to go beserk if the curtains were pulled, stayed in his room on the pc playing poker all the time, since then he going out etc, getting a life, build a small biz etc.

Brought him to a psychiatrist, but they could not offer much help. Going to challenge him later to tidy his room sgt major style, should be fun, attempting to get anything done equals major confrontation. The girl friend does not lift a finger either, he would stop her tidying the room to try to annoy me.

It will start with him telling me that I have issues in telling him his room should be tidy and its me whos being irrational.

Take a step back and look at what you wrote here. Pretend its somebody else. What would you tell them to do?

Oryx

Tough love is called for, and it will be tougher on you than him. You need to take your hands from under his feet.

He thinks he is an adult, but his actual maturity level is childlike. He resents your help and makes life hard because he hasnt grown up yet. You fear for him because of his depression, but making him function on his own could be the greatest lesson he ever gets and the best thing you could do for him. It will break him out of this funk he is in.

You are doing him a disservice to continue like this. He needs to leave in order to become the man he could be. It could go wrong, things always can, you cant control that. Youve got to just let him go and hope for the best. The situation as it stands is making him into a very ugly person.

troubleshooter

I understand, he was very close to his Mum, she died 3 years ago,he saw her really suffer. In his teens he was very sporty represented Britain at judo, then got a debilitating virus which led to M.E, and having to give up sport. Hes v competitive hence the poker, the psychatrist said it will be a long journey. This is what all the anger and recklessness is about I suppose.

troubleshooter

troubleshooter wrote: »

I understand, he was very close to his Mum, she died 3 years ago,he saw her really suffer. In his teens he was very sporty represented Britain at judo, then got a debilitating virus which led to M.E, and having to give up sport. Hes v competitive hence the poker, the psychatrist said it will be a long journey. This is what all the anger and recklessness is about I suppose.

making excuses isn't going to get him through life
you're not being good for him by trying to keep an eye on him, you're making it worse

kick him out

username123

troubleshooter wrote: »

I understand, he was very close to his Mum, she died 3 years ago,he saw her really suffer. In his teens he was very sporty represented Britain at judo, then got a debilitating virus which led to M.E, and having to give up sport. Hes v competitive hence the poker, the psychatrist said it will be a long journey. This is what all the anger and recklessness is about I suppose.

On some levels you are treating him as a child, on others he has full adult entitlements (30 yr old GF living with him in your home for example, casinos, etc).

Its very very difficult to stand on your own two feet and take reesponsibility for yourself when someone else is holding you up and taking care of your responsibilities.

I think it would be best for him if you asked him to move out. He needs to learn how to balance himself and meet the responsibilities of day to day living. The anti depressants business is not good - but many people are in that position and dont get supported by parents pity - its not actually helping him at all.

Especially with a 30 year old GF, surely they can live in their own place and stand on their own two feet?

Taltos

I see two possible outcomes - well a few more but 2 main.

1. He fails - but if he does and he needs to fail badly then you can be there. Just do not step in too early or all you will teach him is that you are always there to bail him out as you have been - this is part of what you have to break.

2. He succeeds - and is joyed by it. Finds new focus and maybe finds his own way out of his depression.

It is all how you present it to him.
Tell him you love him and you know he needs his space. This is not a rejection but you letting him know he will succeed and that it is a journey he needs to go on as he is ready...

If he is to find his own way he needs to succeed or fail on his own. Just remember - do not jump in straight away - he needs to learn how to take the hardships life will continue to throw at him. Yes he might break down occassionally but unless he learns how to deal with the bad stuff he will not appreciate the good.