Boyfriend has low sex drive

LadyLady

As the title says my boyfriend has a low sex drive. We live together and have been goin out over 2yrs. We’re both early 30s. I love him so much and I want us to overcome this. He knows Im writing this thread.

I knew from day one I have a higher sex drive than him but I don’t mind meeting in the middle as I know there is more to a relationship than a sex life. We used make love 2 or 3 times every week, either of us would make the moves. For the past 6 months or so its always me that initiates it, he rarely would. Im sick of being the one who makes the moves all the time, and getting turned down sometimes too. He wouldn’t notice a week, two weeks going by without it. We do it about every 10 days I guess, if I initiate it.

He has a very stressful job and works shifts. I generally don’t try to start anything on days hes working cos I know hes tired but even when hes rested on his days off hes not that interested.

We’ve talked about this and I tell him how it makes me feel – unloved, unwanted, unattractive. He assures me he loves me and is attracted to me. He doesn’t want to feel this way either. He says it was never a problem when he was younger. He wants to overcome this but doesn’t know how. I know a lot of it is down to stress from work but even when he’s time off from work it doesn’t change. Its got to a point now where Im just not getting as turned on as I used to cos I always have to be the one to initiate things.

Are there other men out there who have gone through this? How did you overcome it? Ive asked him to talk to a Dr and he wont cos he thinks they are all quacks (no offense to Drs!). Can anyone recommend a Dr or counselor even in the Dublin area who would be good for this sort of problem? Ive offered to go with him. Ive tried to be sensitive about this cos I know he feels bad about it but its just going on too long now and Im pissed off and I don’t want to be.

Are there girlfriends/wifes in the same boat as me? How do you cope? I have a vibrator but I cant bring myself to use it most of the time cos I just think, why am I doing this when Ive a perfectly gorgeous man! It makes me sad.

Advice please???

(BTW this is my first post)

LegacyUser

I had an ex like this. We lived together. He started this about a year into the relationship. I also asked him to see a doctor and he refused. He also assured me he loved me and still found me attractive but it destroyed my self worth as its all very well saying it but he didnt show it so I didnt believe him.

We would have big conflabs about it every so often where he would promise it would change. But it never did. I felt betrayed as I felt he knew he was like this before the relationship but the sex was good and frequent in the first year so I had no way of knowing his problem.
I felt he tricked me into moving in with him knowing all along I never would have if I had known his sexdrive was so low.

I went through a lot of worry, rejection etc wondering if he was gay/cheating/had a disease etc but in the end the answer was sex just wasnt a big thing for him. I had to end the relationship in the end.
He was shocked and tried to prevent me leaving but I had heard his false promises to change too many times before.

I think if he had agreed to get counselling or see a Doctor things might have been different. But to tell the truth I am happier with someone else now.

LegacyUser

LadyLady wrote: »

He has a very stressful job and works shifts. I generally don’t try to start anything on days hes working cos I know hes tired but even when hes rested on his days off hes not that interested.

He says it was never a problem when he was younger.

he wont cos he thinks they are all quacks (no offense to Drs!). Can anyone recommend a Dr or counselor even in the Dublin area who would be good for this sort of problem?

Are there girlfriends/wifes in the same boat as me? How do you cope? I have a vibrator but I cant bring myself to use it most of the time cos I just think, why am I doing this when Ive a perfectly gorgeous man! It makes me sad.

How is his fitness, diet general health.
Go out for a half hour walk together, good exercise, make him feel better, reduce stress and you can hold hands to bond with each other.
You need to make him go to the doctor, might have to force him if he's unwilling, because lack of sex drive can be a symptom of a under lying serious health problem.
You could also try surprise BJs, just do the deed nothing back from him. This will not be as stressful as sex on him and having an orgasm can actually increase your sex drive, plus it shows him what a hot sexy woman you are.
You're very kind to him, no doubt he loves, finds you hot, stress is a killer sometimes and he need to go to doc to make sure it's nothing serious.

Taltos

I just hope your OH realises how lucky he is to have you at this side.

Yes - stress / ill-health / age can all affect a guys sex drive.
And there are things we can do about it as listed above.
> exercise
> stop smoking
> watching alcohol consumption
> dealing with the source of stress

However there might be a deeper cause here and I think you have already hit the nail on the head. He really should go see a doctor and if possible / agreeable you should join him. If not possible sit down with him beforehand and list out all the changes you have noticed - as when you are sitting in front of a doc (whether male / female) this is one area where guys shyness / shame blocks out the memory and then the visit is worthless.

I do not know of any docs around dublin that I would specifically recommend - but maybe try 2 just for sep opinions.

As to the vibrator - you should not feel bad about using that. Maybe even try encourage him to help you while you do if he is just too tired himself.

Wibbs

I'd agree with jkjhkcd on the fitness front. Is he a smoker? That over time can reduce the blood flow to the required bits. Far more impotence among smokers. Is he a drinker? Alcohol over time also can impair the oul libido. Remember reading one article that said that beer(particularly the hops in it) can mimic female hormones and reduce levels of testosterone. Is he overweight? Again that could impact him physically or emotionally confidence wise and the libido could go out the window. The stress and the emotional stuff will knock it on the head as well. There's a big list of stuff that can and any one of them or combination can screw up men's libido. Add to that the notion that men are always up for it and there's a fair lot of pressure going on.

Of course there's also the possibility that this is just the way he is. I've heard a fair few women complain of their men's libido or lack of it after the first going at it like rabbits stage passes. Actually I've heard more women complain when they're a few years in the relationship about lack of sexual activity than men. Yet the perception is that it's the other way.

I would again suggest he see a doctor. Particularly if he's unfit or there have been other health changes in him.

LadyLady

Thanks for the replies. If there was no sex at all then I would consider the future of the relationship, I dont think he tricked me or anything like that. I know he wants to sort this out so I dont think there are false promises either. Its a very difficult subject for any man to talk about as men are supposed to be horn dogs 24/7.

His fitness is ok I guess. He goes through phases of goin to the gym etc. We go out for the odd walk together. We are very close in general, like we would always hold hands and cuddle together etc. I have tried things in the past but its hard to continue doing so when I know hes not really into it. Without sounding bad, its not me thats the problem.

Have other any other men overcome this?

LadyLady

Thanks again for the replies.

Hes trying to quit smoking. I'll talk to him about that. He was off them for 8mths and went back again - that could be a factor. He goes on the odd bender with his mates but would go a week or two without drinking. He doesnt have a lot of free time on his days off for the gym and that but I will ask him to try and factor it in again.

Taltos

LadyLady wrote: »

Thanks again for the replies.

Hes trying to quit smoking. I'll talk to him about that. He was off them for 8mths and went back again - that could be a factor. He goes on the odd bender with his mates but would go a week or two without drinking. He doesnt have a lot of free time on his days off for the gym and that but I will ask him to try and factor it in again.

If the gym is sporadic and you are going for the odd walk then it could be indeed that he is not getting enough exercise - trust ms as a guy in his 30s I have found this to be more important as I age.
Maybe try taking up something that will help his fitness but also make him feel better about himself - while the gym is good - it is not always that good..
Just a few ideas - running with mates / mountain biking or cycling.
The key thing is to keep at it - just exercising now and again only has the effect of making you more tired as your body never learns that more is expected of it.

If after all that - smoking / drinking / exercise - you still see no improvement then he might still need help with the stress - though tbh - the rest should help a good bit towards that.

G-Money

The only thing I would say about the work thing is that just because he's got a day off and is rested, it doesn't mean he's still not stressed out about work. Which may be contributing about the problem. I know if something is getting to me at work, I often keep thinking about it when I'm at home and at weekends etc.

Hope it works out.

CDfm

Low blood pressure can be a factor and if he is dehydrated that can have an effect- so drinking water instead of coffee or coke can help a lot. The best thing is for him to go to his GP for a general check up and mention it.Get blood tests done as well.

I have a woman GP who used to work in Austrailia and she asked me when I had a check up and is very cool and modern about mens health issues.

I wouldnt underestimate the quiting smoking as stress and he can get perscriptions to deal with it if its affecting him.

LadyLady

I dunno how to do that "thanks" thing at the bottom of the posts so thanks for the comments. I will get him to read all these replies and see if will re-consider going to talk to a Dr and to take all the other suggestions on board aswell.

CDfm

Oh thats easy click on the thumbs up symbol on the post you wish to thank and a thank you magically appears.

Darthhoob

me and my OH used to have sex about once a month for the first few years of our relationship (after the 'honeymoon period)....and as i was a 2-3 times a week kinda girl it was hard! (or not ). i felt the same as you, like he was unattracted to me etc...but he assured me he wasn't just always felt crappy and tired. at the time he had a tooth abcess for YEARS (had a major dental phobia) and that was apparently causing him to be quite 'sickly'. when it had it removed, after me giving him alot of support with dnetal care, he started to slowly feel much better and as a result..we had sex more often. now we have it about 3 times a week....give or take, just take it as it comes (no pun intended)

i know my post isn't THAT helpful to you, but you are not alone. i remember thinking that men i am with should be badgering me for sex not the other way round...as men have this image of being randy gits. but it's not always true. alot of things can affect sex drive. even something as simple as a tooth abcess :rolleyes: it could be well worth going to the GP and having a health check of sorts. and tiredness has a huge effect.
try not to take it to heart, try not to feel unsexy, i dont know HOW he assured you that he loves you and finds you attractive but i am sure he isn't lying...he is with you afterall

LegacyUser

I think its a myth that every man wants sex all the time. In my experience most women have a much higher sex drive than men. Once or twice a week is fine for me. Anymore and it becomes a chore. Remember men cannot fake sex, we have to be stimulated to get an erection. Women can go through the motions. However needs to get it up and keep it up. Easier said than done if your not in the mood!

LegacyUser

Oooh yes, been there and am doing that.

I'm with my OH four years now and I am having the same problem as you. We love each other to bits, both in our thirties and have our ups and downs. About a year and a half into our relationship we really hit some problems. We used to have sex ALL the time and then it got less and less and less... There was one horrible stage where didn't have sex for FIVE MONTHS! I really think we had terrible problems then though between us. Now we do it once a month which believe me I am delighted about. I also have (had?) a high sex drive but I honestly feel that not having sex makes you want it less. Things ARE getting better (2 years later), we even have sex spontaneously now (gasp) and overall our relationship is better. But I'm not going to lie to you, I found it really really REALLY tough accepting that my OH had a much lower sex drive than me and now I am fine with everything. I still want it more the odd time though!

I actually found not pressurising him helped, like me making a big deal about it made the situation worse. It's hard though because it feels like the only thing on your mind. Don't get me wrong, sometimes I still do question if I can spend the rest of my life like this but I think relationships are about accepting the good with the bad and that dirty word compromise. If there was NO sex then I would definitely not stay with my OH, that would just be insane but things are slowly getting better so I am optimistic. It was almost like once I stopped caring so much about it, it got better.

My heart goes out to you, I know just how you feel but seriously, if I were doing it every ten days I would be thrilled

LadyLady

Its good to hear the opinions of other women in the same boat. Makes me feel like Im not crazy for feeling the way I do so thanks for that. I realised that I am putting pressure on him in a round about way so Im gonna try and just get on with things and hopefully it will all come full circle and he wont feel as pressured.

LegacyUser

Hi,
Reading all these posts is a bit of a relief for me. I'm a bloke in my early 30s and my girlfriend has a higher sex drive then me (she's not a nympho or anything). For ages I wondered what was wrong with me - blokes are meant to want it all the time!!!!
I have defo found that when I have things on my mind (whatever they may be) my sex drive decreases. When I'm more relaxed I tend to find that I want it more (we were on a weeks holidays recently an had sex most days).
To be fair to my gf she has been really good about it. I'm sure she has felt all the things that the other woman have decribed in this thread. At first it was difficult for us both as we both felt we were in someone not enough for the other. Things are much better now that we've both relaxed a bit.
Fyi we're together 3 years and living together 1 year.