Sex issue....?

LegacyUser

Im having a problem with sex with my boyfriend. I just can't get wet at all anymore with him.

Im wondering if its because everything turns him on, it could just be a picture he saw in the paper or another girl he saw on the bus on the way home or even just talking about sex. Then he comes in and transfers the horny thoughts onto me. If I wasn't there he'd have to have a ****. He says he used to **** 5 times a day. He would get sex most days but that still would not be enough.

I find I never get wet for him any more. The more I worry about not getting wet, the more of a hang up I seem to have about it and the less I want sex because it is making me self conscious. He must have noticed as he is always trying to go down on me now (probably to wet me?)

I can give him an erection just by talking to him. Can I ask men is that normal?
I thought it was great at the start but now Im wondering....

Because I dont get wet for him any more I have been trying to avoid sex as its uncomfortable, very tight even with lube. Avoiding sex is hard as he is always horny.

Mr. Incognito

His huge sex drive (way over the norm btw) is making you self conscious and understandably so and your body is reacting to that stress accordingly. You are putting too much pressure on yourself.

Sex is becoming a chore- an errand instead of an enjoyable experience.

5 times a day every day is looking like a sexual addiction. Does he have an addictive personality?

You should look into that.

LegacyUser

I would agree with the above. WAY over normal.

You're falling into the trap of avoiding it, so it becomes more of an issue, so you avoid it more, so he gets hornier, so it becomoes more of an issue, so you avoid it more...... vicious cycle.

You need to break that by talking to him and explaining that while you like him you can't be expected to let him jump your bones every time he gets a bar.

hollis12

well i happen to have a huge sex drive because im fit and healty and go to the gym a lot, which has a massive effect on my sex drive. i would just throw him hints that let him know youll initiate the sex.

ogriofa

"Then he comes in and transfers the horny thoughts onto me. If I wasn't there he'd have to have a ****."
Not even a little bit of an expert, but from what you say is there a chance you feel like he is just scratching an itch by having sex with you? That you are merely serving a purpose for him? Just the sex part.
Just a thought, hope you work it out

LegacyUser

He is not an addictive type with drink or drugs or anything like that.
When I say I am starting to avoid it I mean I might get every second day off sometimes. I do enjoy the sex once it gets started but I seem to be just so tight.
He is a gentle person and does back off if I say so but I feel guilty for rejecting him and also I dont want him to be unhappy. We can't even cuddle as he will get hard and I dont like leaving him frustrated.
I do feel sometimes as if he is just scratching an itch, he has to service the need iykwim and I am there. He loves me and I love him but I kind of feel I could be anybody at times. I know maybe I am being over dramatic.

Nevyn

The biggest sex organ a human has is their brain and yours is telling you that you aren't special to him and he's just using you to gratify is sexual needs/urges.
That would be a huge turn off for most people so no wonder you are not aroused when he comes on to you.

You need to talk to him about this and let him know how you feel, if a person is feeling under pressure to have sex or pestered into it, it will lead to a lot of hurt and resentment never mind not getting aroused.

I do think that anyone who is chronically masturbating 5 times a day is using it as a distraction from other things in their life they don't want to deal with.

Taltos

Dry Girl wrote: »

He is not an addictive type with drink or drugs or anything like that.
When I say I am starting to avoid it I mean I might get every second day off sometimes. I do enjoy the sex once it gets started but I seem to be just so tight.
He is a gentle person and does back off if I say so but I feel guilty for rejecting him and also I dont want him to be unhappy. We can't even cuddle as he will get hard and I dont like leaving him frustrated.
I do feel sometimes as if he is just scratching an itch, he has to service the need iykwim and I am there. He loves me and I love him but I kind of feel I could be anybody at times. I know maybe I am being over dramatic.

I don't think you are being overdramatic at all. You are just telling us how you feel.
FYI - sometimes leaving him frustrated is good too.
It will teach him that you are not always on tap and when you finally do get down to it he should enjoy it more.
Also there is nothing wrong with him going upstairs to scratch that itch if it is unbearable for him.

You being dry is a combination of things all touched on above.
> your mental state
> you could just be tired - who wouldn't be
> not enough time spent on foreplay

Just be open with each other. This is the key.
If you are totally open he should be ok with you not always being on for it. As to him getting hard when you cuddle - so what - cuddle - hold - even move away if you are feeling uncomfortable - an erection does not always mean you have to have sex. All it means is he is turned on
This is one of the curses of being a guy - it is always very noticeable when we are aroused...

Five times a day might be alot for others - but for some it might be ok. But only when both parties are up for it. If you are both really concerned by all means go to a doc. But maybe first explore other ways of dealing with it - ie funnel all that excess energy into doing the ironing or something else

LegacyUser

Thanks Thaedydal, I explained it slightly wrong, he would have masturbated up to 5 times a day: before we met, when he was single. I know he still probably does one or maybe two most days now which I didn't think was so bad.

I think you are right about me not feeling special. Thats exactly it. Is that me being insecure?

Thanks Taltos. Its not that I feel uncomfortable with the stiffy when we are hugging etc Its just he gets so built up it seems cruel to him. I dont want to be arousing him and then leaving him hanging. I don't always have sex with him any more every time he is aroused.

Thanks I will talk to him. I just want my body to go back to normal responses again. Its like as if I have stage fright.

Taltos

Dry Girl wrote: »

Thanks Thaedydal, I explained it slightly wrong, he would have masturbated up to 5 times a day: before we met, when he was single. I know he still probably does one or maybe two most days now which I didn't think was so bad.

I think you are right about me not feeling special. Thats exactly it. Is that me being insecure?

Thanks Taltos. Its not that I feel uncomfortable with the stiffy when we are hugging etc Its just he gets so built up it seems cruel to him. I dont want to be arousing him and then leaving him hanging. I don't always have sex with him any more every time he is aroused.

Thanks I will talk to him. I just want my body to go back to normal responses again. Its like as if I have stage fright.

Glad to hear it - a chat is definitely needed.
And try not to feel like you are being cruel to him - it is impossible to think that we are each always available for our OHs. Timing is difficult.

Have the chat and again if he gets a stiffy - big deal - don't feel like you are leaving him hanging. If needed he can take care of it - but just so as you know sometimes even with a stiffy I just love holding or being held by my wife.

Am sure you 2 can talk it out. This is just one of those chats that alot of couples have to have - esp those with slightly different sex drives, and they change. To compare when my wife and I first started out I was the annoying one (kind of in your oh's position) - but a few years on our roles have switched Just waiting for my turn to come around again.

Miss Fluff

Dry Girl wrote: »

Its not that I feel uncomfortable with the stiffy when we are hugging etc Its just he gets so built up it seems cruel to him. I dont want to be arousing him and then leaving him hanging. I don't always have sex with him any more every time he is aroused.

By the sounds of things you'd spend your entire day shagging if your description is anything to go by.

Jugding by the statement above am I right in deducing that you used to have sex with him every time he had a boner?:eek:

Nevyn

Dry Girl wrote: »

I think you are right about me not feeling special. Thats exactly it. Is that me being insecure?

Well it takes two to tango and it takes you both to examine your attitudes to your sex life both as individuals and as a couple. I don't think it is just you being insecure.

Dry Girl wrote: »

Its not that I feel uncomfortable with the stiffy when we are hugging etc Its just he gets so built up it seems cruel to him. I dont want to be arousing him and then leaving him hanging. I don't always have sex with him any more every time he is aroused.

Hang on an erection does not necessarily mean a man is aroused or even wants to have sex. Just because he has an erection that doesn't mean you caused it, are responsible for it and have to attend to it.

If I had someone who insisted/put pressure/assumed that there would be sex just cos he's got a stiffy.... nah not happening, yes it can be a wonderful compliment and it's great to see that you have turned your partner on but
if your not feeling it, or tired or feeling obligated or used then that is not good at all.

Dry Girl wrote: »

Thanks I will talk to him. I just want my body to go back to normal responses again. Its like as if I have stage fright.

Sounds like a very negative pattern tbh and I don't blame you in wanting to break it and go back to being happy to see him and get all hot and bother by just seeing him and wanting to jump him yourself.

Have you tired doing some sensual massage, where the goal is not sex esp not penetrative sex but being sensual and phyiscal with each other and building up trust again.