Honesty

desmurphy

i am 39 and recently met a 36 year old woman. she asked me the number of partners question and i lied. she has had none, i told her i had had none. i really like her but the truth is i have slept with over 50 women. how can i be honest with her now. what will she think of me and what should i do, thanks

Oh The Humanity

She's a virgin at 36 ? :eek: That can't be true for a start and if it is.....whoah.....why?

Say sweet feck all about your number. Its fine by the way. Just don't tell her that. How many long term relationships have you had?

I would advise just admitting those and maybe one or two flings. Don't even mention the one night stands etc.

How Strange

desmurphy wrote: »

i am 39 and recently met a 36 year old woman. she asked me the number of partners question and i lied. she has had none, i told her i had had none.

Ah come on for god's sakes! You're two adults in your late 30's. If she's telling the truth then it's unusual but hell it takes all sorts. But OP, FFS, you're acting like a teenager.

You don't have to discuss 'numbers' (do people really do that anymore?) but don't go lying about your past.

Why go creating a complication for the sake of it?

shellyboo

If she believes you... wow, says more about her than it does about you, tbh.

I would go to her, admit you lied, but don't tell her your true number - just tell her you feel uncomfortable talking about it since you know she hasn't had any previous partners, and would rather just not discuss it.

Why can't you just tell the truth?

wolfric

same reason married men don't tell their wives that they cheated on them or that you have infact had one of those curious moments in college. To be honest it's none of her business but if she asked and you told her an outright lie it could turn into an issue later especially with something like that. Skills don't come from nowhere.

I'd bring back up the conversation at a somewhat relevant time (and not when you're just about to initiate yourselves) and perhaps start off with "have you really been with no partners before"? and "i was really nervous i have to admit i have been with someone before"

Here's where it's down to what path you wish to take... 100% blindly truth telling you could just tell her how many women. Or you could phrase it a bit better like "i didn't want you to think that this was just another relationship like the one's i've had before and just blurted out something stupid. I just want to set things straight/make sure we're honest with each other because i really want things to go somewhere."

Telling the 100% truth outright isn't always the "right" answer for example: i wouldn't tell someone let's say, who had been in a car accident and just asked you how she looked to say "to be honest i don't think you look that attractive" etc.

I'm assuming your intentions are good and that you're not just lying to get into her pants and the very fact that you've posted here indicates guilt which re-enforces this. So i say yeah, fix your "none" statement and let her know that you had good intentions at heart.

Liam Byrne

wolfric wrote: »

same reason married men don't tell their wives that they cheated on them

Sorry, but that's bull****, to be honest; this issue is NOTHING remotely like that.

You're saying that - in the OP's case - it's "none of [the girl's] business", and that's true enough.

But it's CERTAINLY someone's business if their partner or husband cheats.

wolfric

Liam Byrne wrote: »

Sorry, but that's bull****, to be honest; this issue is NOTHING remotely like that.
cheats.

In case you didn't get the connection, (and i don't want to get the OP's hopes down), it was the fact that some truths that you bring to the table mean an end of the relationship full stop. No wiggle room no give no second chance. This is not the case for the op since the issue is relatively small and (what i assume to be?) near the start of the relationship, it's still possible to get over but apparently his post indicates he thinks otherwise.

Liam Byrne wrote: »

But it's CERTAINLY someone's business if their partner or husband cheats.

2 Different sentences 2 different points not connected in anyway. I never said cheating was none of the partners business.

Mr. Incognito

Hmmm- I'd say none of your business darling- but it's more than one.

Then I'd say but don't feel insecure because it's no bearing on our relationship.

Liam Byrne

wolfric wrote: »

In case you didn't get the connection, (and i don't want to get the OP's hopes down), it was the fact that some truths that you bring to the table mean an end of the relationship full stop. No wiggle room no give no second chance. This is not the case for the op since the issue is relatively small and (what i assume to be?) near the start of the relationship, it's still possible to get over but apparently his post indicates he thinks otherwise.


2 Different sentences 2 different points not connected in anyway. I never said cheating was none of the partners business.

Fair enough, but it didn't read that way.

And the connection re "some truths" is tentative at best, because in one case "the reason" you're "not telling" because you're doing something downright wrong and lousy, while in the other you're not.

desmurphy

is it always the case though that men have lots of partners but women are always in the low figures. i mean i can tell her i have had a few but will 50 turn her off. she is very attractive but religious i believe, hence her virginity. i feel though that we will have sex soon. maybe though if i tell her my number things will change

LegacyUser

Tell he the truth!

I was a virgin when I started going out with my boyfriend, I was honest with him and he was honest with me (he had over 30) This was after I had told him I hadn't had any!
Didn't bother me, was glad he was honest about it. He could have easily said 2 or 3.

If you don't tell her the truth now it will come back to bite you in the ass at a later date. Just tell her.

metrovelvet

I dont know. I think if you start lying this early on its an indication you are not comfortable being yourself around her. And that is ultimately what you want with someone, someone you can be you around.

As a virgin, if she has any sense, she will appreciate your experience. You are in a good position to give her a proper initiation. That's my take on it and has been since the day I lost my virginity.

Oh The Humanity

desmurphy wrote: »

is it always the case though that men have lots of partners but women are always in the low figures.

Eh, no.

desmurphy wrote: »

i mean i can tell her i have had a few but will 50 turn her off. she is very attractive but religious i believe, hence her virginity. i feel though that we will have sex soon. maybe though if i tell her my number things will change

Listen, something doesn't add up here. She is very attractive and you feel you will have sex soon. She is discussing previous partners with you which is a precursor to getting down.....

This is not adding up...if she is going to have sex with you, presumably without marriage.....then why hasn't she done so before...?

Do ya get me?

If she is religious and this caused her to remain a virgin till 36 whats different now?

eviltwin

I dont think you have any other option but to be honest with her OP.

Losing your virginity is a big deal at any age but I can only imagine how important it is to this lady if she has waited so long.

The last thing she needs is to find out that the man she lost it to lied to her from the start.

50 partners isnt a major amount at the age of 39. Why are you assuming she will be turned off by it? Maybe it says more about your own feelings about your sexual history than your girlfriend.

ash23

I think you have to be honest with her. You don't necessarily have to give her an exact figure but just tell her that you didn't always wait until you were in a relationship, that you've had one night stands and casual sex and you aren't certain of exact numbers but its roughly 40 -50.

Imo it's not the numbers that are important, more the attitude to sex. Nothing wrong with thinking casual sex is ok. But if this girl is religious and has waited for someone with the same morals and beliefs as her in order to lose her virginity, then you lying to her and implying you hold those same beliefs is cruel and manipulative.
You say you think you will be having sex with her soon. How much of a shlt will you feel if you are her first and she then finds out that sex isn't as sacred and special to you as you led her to believe?


I lied to my ex about my partners as I was caught on the hop.
We were both 19 and he had only had 1 sexual partner before me. I had 3 boyfriends before him and numerous flings. But i was afraid he would think I was some sort of slag if I was truthful and so I only told him about the boyfriends.

He found out years later when he found an old diary of mine and he said the fact that I lied and kept up the pretence was worse than the number.

In the future I'll be honest.

desmurphy

Oh The Humanity wrote: »

Eh, no.



Listen, something doesn't add up here. She is very attractive and you feel you will have sex soon. She is discussing previous partners with you which is a precursor to getting down.....

This is not adding up...if she is going to have sex with you, presumably without marriage.....then why hasn't she done so before...?

Do ya get me?

If she is religious and this caused her to remain a virgin till 36 whats different now?

because she has met me!

Oh The Humanity

desmurphy wrote: »

because she has met me!

lol nice one!

Well, Im sure you are lovely but beware that she is not telling you porky pies. Use a condom with her also. She's at that tricky age!

You have to ask yourself why now suddenly!

Liam Byrne

eviltwin wrote: »

I dont think you have any other option but to be honest with her OP.

Losing your virginity is a big deal at any age but I can only imagine how important it is to this lady if she has waited so long.

The last thing she needs is to find out that the man she lost it to lied to her from the start.

Nail, head there methinks.

See if you can suss out why she's waited; there's nothing wrong with waiting, or it might simply be that she's not been that pushed with anyone that she's been with up to now, so eviltwin's take might not be as big an issue - mountains out of molehills.

But if she has "deliberately" waited, and now wants to because she reckons this is special/different, then the above does apply.

The issue isn't the number (or even a rough "mmmm, about X" number slightly lower, if that makes you feel more comfortable); the issue is that you were caught on the hop and lied about it.

daisybelle2008

desmurphy wrote: »

because she has met me!

I agree with 'oh the humanity' (except the comment about 'at a tricky age' which I find offensive)

something does not add up here, you think it may be religious grounds?, is she obviously religious in other ways? Surely she would be waiting till after you are married if this was her conviction.

I don't understand why you are not clear on her reasons for being a virgin especially if you were discussing sexual history. I don't think she is being honest and upfront and you definitely have not, not a good starting point for a relationship. I don't believe you are going to have sex with her anytime soon and if you do I would not believe she was a virgin to begin with.

I work with a girl who is a virgin in her 30's and she is always in dysfunctional 'relationships' where the men think they are going to get some, she gives them every indication and then freezes them out. She has even lived with someone. She has deep rooted issues but gets her ego stroked by going so far with guys.

by the way I don't think women have less partners although they may say they do. All these guys are not getting off with the same few girls. I have noticed friends even lie to themselves and each other about having fewer partners because society judges them unfortunately. I would say men and women have around the same amount of partners.