No idea what to do

LegacyUser

Brief (!) synopsis.

I'm in a relationship 6 yrs with my gf (fiance). It's been a tough road to get where we are - it was a long distance relationship, we met through friends at 18 before getting together at 20 and kept it up with weekends together, humongous phonebills etc for over 4 years while she got through college. Young and naive and no I wouldn't try it again.

When she graduated she got a job in Dublin and so we moved in together. I'm from NI and she's a Dub so we based in Drogheda as a kind of halfway house. Cue a tough few months getting adjusted to it all. I got work in Dublin but hated it, ended up taking a job in the same place as her was which was pretty much ok with a few glitches. However, we were both laid off within 3 months of each other early in '09.

I quite quickly found work in Belfast. We were within 1 month of the end of our lease so I jumped to take it. I moved back in with my folks in NI, she moved back to her folks in Dublin. At this stage she was still working but they knew bad news was on the horizon, but it hadn't been confirmed. Maybe I should have stuck it out in Dublin and claimed the dole, I dunno. It was a complication we didnt need.

When she was laid off a month or 2 later she'd decided she didnt want to move to NI. Her mother is a pure tyrant, shes of the opinion that her daughter is there to pretty much give her company for eternity. There was war when we first moved to Drogheda. It's been a huge influence since. The whole not tryin NI thing pissed me off no end - I was earning enough to support us both for a while (scraping by).

Eventually she caved in and started just applying for jobs everywhere, inc. NI. She was offered the job of her dreams in Dublin at the very same time as a fairly crummy (just above min. wage) one in Belfast. She took the one in Belfast because we both knew that if she took the Dublin job it was an admission that we were over.

She moved in with me with my folks. My folks have been great but we thought we'd be there for a week or 2 before finding somewhere to rent on our own. Cue a 9 week search for a house that is today about to end. Living with yer folks takes its toll on a couple - you never feel comfortable, you can;t have that couply interaction, the quick kiss, the cuddle on the couch, the quiet dinner after a sh*t day, (the sex). So it feels like we're not a couple any more.

To complicate matters, she was offered a much better paid job in Belfast which she took. But its driving her mad, they're making hugely unrealistic demands of her and its starting to really take its toll on her health and state of mind after only a month or so. She is quite a negative thinker at the best of times, a lot of it is down to the bullying nature of her mother. She went into the job knowing that the place has a reputation of treating staff like sh*t, so theres no question of it improving.

On top of that her mother has practically discommunicated her, she misses her friends, we're living in the sticks with no possibility of her getting a social life, the job she's in is not really conducive to her making new friends. She's desperately homesick.

We finally (!) after 9 weeks of endless viewings of sh*t, saw a place we wanted to live. We're both fussy, her especially so. I could live in anything but I agreed to find something nice because at the end of the day she was doing all the moving, so the budget crept up and up and up. We originally only wanted a 6month lease due to fears about jobs and to give us flexibility in case it does all go wrong. But the place was in demand (renting in Belfast is nothin like Dublin) so we'd agreed to a 12 month lease - I'm due to give over cash tomorrow and get the keys.

But now she's literally teetering on the brink of quitting her job. Theres no prospect of her getting another job on the immediate horizon. We can't sustain the lease on my salary alone. So if she decides to quit then it's a matter of givin up the lease on the house before signing anything, and she probably moves home to Dublin. End of. She's said that she would pay for some of the lease out of her savings but to me thats just crazy, for a couple of months if there's a prospect of getting work in a bit then ok - but not for a 12 month lease with no real prospect of an income. We're not really sure whether she'd be eligible for the dole because she's only been in NI for 2-3 months and she'd have given her job up voluntarily.

We're at each others throats, we're bored and snapping, she thinks we aren't a couple any more and whats the point of it all. We've had a really bad run of luck since she came to NI. I'm sick of her moaning and endless repetitive "do you still love me, whats the point of it all, whys it all gone wrong" questions, I can sympathise and try and say the right things to a point but eventually everybody snaps.

So yeah - now I'm in the situation whereby within the next 24 hrs we commit ourselves to a 12month lease that we can't really afford, to live in a place where she doesnt want to be, for her to either be unemployed or working in a job thats making her physically ill - all in order to preserve a relationship that isn't working at the mo but that I just hope is a bit under the weather due the circumstances we've been under for the last few months.

Or we break up.

Wtf!?

We have about 4 hours to decide. All advice welcome.

Tupins

Wow, you really have a lot on your mind!

Ok, I get the sense that you're not ready to commit to this lease and to be honest if I was you I would probably not commit to it.

(That is probably easy for me to say.)

Have you considered both moving to Dublin?

LegacyUser

Tupins wrote: »

Wow, you really have a lot on your mind!

Ok, I get the sense that you're not ready to commit to this lease and to be honest if I was you I would probably not commit to it.

(That is probably easy for me to say.)

Have you considered both moving to Dublin?

Theres a lot more to get off my chest but that helped a lot!

I'm willing to commit to a lease - I'm not willing to put us, or let her put us, in financial peril when we're at the mercy of her whim. If she stays working its going to drive her mad and it inevitably comes home with her and affects us. If she quits then shes in a city she doesnt know, bored out of her skull with no friends or family (and no money).

She has a history of panic attacks. She's been in counselling for 2 years trying to come to terms with her ma. She's a very emotional person. I'm more your logical thinker, and it pisses her off no end. When things are bad I think we drive each other to distraction, when they're good I think we balance each other perfectly. But it does mean that there are regular flareups.

At the minute there is no prospect of living in Dublin - if I'm honest because I abhor the place, but also (conveniently for me I spose) our jobs are both construction related and there are absolutely no employment prospects for us. Her maybe, but I'm the main income because I've been out of college 3 yrs longer than her. We couldnt sustain ourselves on her income alone in Dublin.

lilirish

Dio you want to make it work? Do you love her enough to want to do that? You've mentioned every reason under the sun as to why it wont work but and very few as a to why it will.

Don't commit to the lease. Sit your girlfriend down and have a long chat about how you feel about each other. If you do want to make a go of it then step back from all the stress of this house / job stuff / location and just look at you two as a couple.

I think you know deep down though what the answer is.

iguana

Maybe I'm being dense but when you were in Belfast and she was offered a "dream" job in Dublin why didn't you both go back to living in the middle? I'm not a big advocate of commuting, but with you both being offered great jobs 2 hours apart living in the middle sounds like a good compromise.

LegacyUser

lilirish wrote: »

Dio you want to make it work? Do you love her enough to want to do that? You've mentioned every reason under the sun as to why it wont work but and very few as a to why it will.

Don't commit to the lease. Sit your girlfriend down and have a long chat about how you feel about each other. If you do want to make a go of it then step back from all the stress of this house / job stuff / location and just look at you two as a couple.

I think you know deep down though what the answer is.

I love her to bits. We've been through torture for 6 years waiting and trying to make things work. When we eventually did have what we were looking for (the 1st 6 months of living together were "different", the second 5 months were bliss) we had it took from under us in a matter of weeks. I think we're both coming to the point that we're thinking theres only so many knocks a person or couple can take.

We've done nothing but talk. We have probably the most open and honest relationship I know. All we had for 4 yrs was the ability to talk most nights on the phone. We're sick of talking because all we can do is talk about the future we're striving for but getting nowhere bloody near.

We've openly admitted to each other that if the same set of circumstances arose again we wouldnt do "all this" again. But if we broke up now it really would be the sense of losing what never was. Its torture.

Maybe I'm being dense but when you were in Belfast and she was offered a "dream" job in Dublin why didn't you both go back to living in the middle? I'm not a big advocate of commuting, but with you both being offered great jobs 2 hours apart living in the middle sounds like a good compromise.

Yep thats pretty dense. Commuting to Dublin from Drogheda nearly killed us. Her doing something like Dundalk to Dublin and me Dundalk to Belfast would kill us individually and as a couple. Theres no point having a life if it involves 4 hrs commuting per day, and no point being in a relationship living together if the sum total of your involvement with your spouse is to say hello as ye walk past each other on the way to kip after another days work. Been there done that.

G-Money

Hmmmm, well one thing that stands out to me is that you shouldn't sign the lease. Lets say you do and in a few weeks she packs in the job. You've admitted that you can't afford the rent on your own and I don't know how your lease is structured but if you try and move out before it's up, you could very well end up losing your deposit. Also if you move out before the lease it up you may be liable to pay the rent for the remainder of the time on the lease, or until they find someone else to move in. That's something I was super paranoid about myself when I was looking for a place to live.

I agree that commuting is a pain. I'm from NI myself and I've done the commuting to Dublin thing before for about 2 years when I was young and stupid and I know I couldn't do it for longer than a week or two now. I wasn't that keen on moving to Dublin originally but I don't mind it now actually. You sound like you dislike it though a lot so I don't know if giving it a chance is on the cards.

My advice would be to not sign the lease when things are so shaky. I know it's not the ideal situation but I'm sure you could live with your folks for another while and that would take the pressure off a little (no worrying about not making the rent if she leaves her job). How about a long weekend away somewhere? Just as a break. You don't have to up and leave the country and go on an expensive trip. But even just book a few days away somewhere. That will give you both a break from the daily grind, and a break away from your folks. Also hotels and places these days are charging less per night than they did before so you could probably get a good deal.

In my experience bad jobs rarely get better. If you hate your job and that continues for a while and doesn't change, it's rare that it suddenly gets better. Unless you change jobs or teams or something within the company you are in. So I suspect unless she changes jobs within her company, she's unlikely to suddenly love it.

Hope things work out.

Taltos

I am totally with the others on this about the lease.

Looks like it might be just not meant to be - esp if it is putting you both under so much strain.

Just a suggestion but maybe the 2 of you could head away for the weekend to get some alone time but mainly to talk.
i.e. what are you both looking for and how can you help each other to do it.

You never know you might both decide that NI is not far enough away from Dublin and a move further afield might be an option.
It just sounds like the last while you have both been through a really tough time - what with family - losing your privacy - losing your jobs - uncertain future...

Maybe just take some time out to reconnect and reassure her that despite all this noise she is the most important thing in your life. If that means that you do not sign the lease on this house or that she quits her job then maybe they are the choices you both need to make.

Mr. Incognito

Problem 1: Her job- can survive without it- savings
Problem 2: She's homesick- no wonder having no social life living with your folks.
Problem 3- Your relationship- no wonder with the stress and strain.

Proposed advice:

Sign the lease.
Stick it out for 2 months- if it still sucks you start looking for work in Dublin again I guess.

Could you too not say feck it all and use that savings to go travel for 6 months- sounds like you could use it.