Help Confused, kissed someone else

LegacyUser

Hey all, Im not sure what im asking for but my head is all over the place and i guess I just need to it get out and get some advice. Im married, no kids, don't want to go into too much detail but Ive always been a very loyal and 100% devoted until now. I met someone in work who is also married and after months of dancing around each other, we kissed recently on a night out. I don't even know why I like this person, he is arrogant, appears to have no guilt about what happened but yet i feel drawn to him and can't get him out of my head. I know that I should ignore him and avoid the situation but its easier said than done when you see someone everyday. I spoke to a close friend about it as I needed someone to talk to but she didn't help much, in fact she encouraged me to sit down and talk to this other guy about things which just made things worse as I felt she should be telling me to cop on and ignore him. I just wish I was content and happy with my husband like I used to be and now I feel things may never be the same again....

Mr Benevolent

You're probably better off telling your husband about it and ignoring the other guy if you can. I certainly wouldn't expect the guy to show guilt over it unless he forced you to kiss him or something.

LegacyUser

confusedwife wrote: »

rant

Ive always been a very loyal and 100% devoted until now.
You said you were dancing around with this guy for two months, so loyality and devotion were long gone before the kiss

I don't even know why I like this person, he is arrogant, appears to have no guilt about what happened but yet i feel drawn to him and can't get him out of my head.
You can't get him out of your head because it's new and exciting, arrogant people live in their own little world thinking they're great, but have no substance, I guarantee you wouldn't go near this guy if you were single

in fact she encouraged me to sit down and talk to this other guy about things which just made things worse as I felt she should be telling me to cop on and ignore him.
maybe you're a little disappointed she didn't make a big deal out of it, which would have made it more exciting for you and you'd feel naughty and this was dangerous

I just wish I was content and happy with my husband like I used to be and now I feel things may never be the same again....
It will never be the same, you cheated on your husband, your marriage and yourself. A marriage to someone you love is worth a million cheap thrills, if you had that you wouldn't waste a look on someone else.

confusedwife wrote: »

todo

You only have two choices, leave your husband or you work on improving the marriage.
Arrogant people get very petty when they don't get their own way, so expect him to spread rumors about you around the office if you don't give him what he wants, an easy lay.

LegacyUser

I think you need to decide if this is the type of person you want to be, sneaking around, lying, cheating and giving your most precious asset (you) to an arrogant guy who has no morals. If he has no guilt then you are probably one of many.
If you actually sit and think of the type of person you are becoming you may not exactly like it! Chances are if you wish thing are the way they used to be with your OH then so does he.....talk to him about it.

OS119

Confab wrote: »

You're probably better off telling your husband about it and ignoring the other guy if you can. I certainly wouldn't expect the guy to show guilt over it unless he forced you to kiss him or something.

OP, do not tell your husband that you kissed another bloke.

by all means have a conversation with yourself and hubby about your marriage - whether you're happy, bored, whatever - but ffs do not tell your hubby about the kiss or the other bloke.

while he has every right to know that the marriage isn't ticking all your boxes (and i'd question whether any one person could really tick all your boxes every day for 60 years...) he doesn't need to know what are, tbh, irrelevent details: the important thing is, you ain't happy, and it needs fixing, and if it doesn't get fixed (assuming it can be fixed) it'll go bad very quickly.

telling him you aren't happy also gives him the opportunity to say if he's happy. he may not wish to stay with someone who, he may feel, has to some extent fallen out of love with him.

be honest, but don't hurt him just to salve your own conscience.

laura l

confusedwife wrote: »

I just wish I was content and happy with my husband like I used to be

why did you stop being happy and content with your husband before kissing the other guy?

Terodil

OS119 wrote: »

irrelevent details

Cheating is not an irrelevant detail.

The OP suffers from the grass is greener syndrome, there is not necessarily anything wrong with the relationship itself. It may be the thrill of something new, dangerous, dodgy.

OP: You need to sit down yourself and make up your mind. You are being extremely unfair on your husband. Do you want to stay with him or with that other guy? Then act accordingly, and quit the 'confused' act.

Wibbs

There are always two sides to these things and why they happen. It's a symptom of something else going on. Now the second cheating occurs the balance of responsibility shifts to the one cheating. So step back and stop for a moment. Yes it's exciting, yes he's giving you something you felt was missing. What was that? The excitement, the horniness?

OP what has led you to this? Is it something that's been brewing for a while or is it recent? Can you put your finger on why you felt this need? What could your husband have done, or do now to change that? What could you have done or what can you do now to change that? Was it that you were bored or wondering is this it? Do you have an emotional(and sexual) outlet within the marriage? Can you build that now on the back of your time together as a couple and a family?

eviltwin

Don't say anything OP...whats the point? You already accept it was a mistake so telling your husband isn't really going to make things any better.

Obviously something is wrong in the relationship that has lead you to this place where you have let yourself get close to someone else. I know you have no option but to see this other man every day but try and put him aside for one moment and look at just you and hubby...what has changed in your relationship, is something missing, is the connection lost, are you frustrated?

Personally I dont think this guy himself is the issue...I know you say you are thinking about him all the time but I do think had it not been him it would have been someone else. He's a sympthom of something rather than the cause and I think your friends idea of sitting down with him is only going to make things worse...you need to avoid this bloke as much as possible

On the plus side it was just a kiss and you didnt allow it to go any further which is great. I think some of the posters here are being a bit harsh on you. If you use this experience to work on your marriage and improve it then you can put it behind you and move on from it.

How Strange

OP, I may be a bit old fashioned about these things but marriage is supposed to be a strong unbreakable commitment. I won't say for life because marriages do break down but it should start with the assumption of an iron strong commitment.

Your marriage isn't going so well and rather than work on it you kissed a guy in work. Not only that but you reverted to to the 'arrogant bastard' type, the type of guy who will never commit to you so now you're in a quandry; you're in a troubled marriage and you're chasing a guy who has no real interest in you.

Don't tell your husband. It's only a kiss so leave it at that. If my OH kissed another woman I wouldn't want to know about it.

Start working on any problems you have with your husband and try to save your marriage.

OS119

Terodil wrote: »

Cheating is not an irrelevant detail.

snogging some random bloke isn't cheating. its also irrelevent in that it's not a fundamental part of the problem.

being sufficiently unhappy - for whatever reason - in her marriage that the OP snogs some random bloke she doesn't even like very much in a 'any grass has to be greener than this' moment is a vastly bigger issue than snogging randoms.

Vegeta

OS119 wrote: »

snogging some random bloke isn't cheating.

In your opinion, which I'd guess is in the minority

Terodil

OS119 wrote: »

being sufficiently unhappy - for whatever reason - in her marriage that the OP snogs some random bloke she doesn't even like very much in a 'any grass has to be greener than this' moment is a vastly bigger issue than snogging randoms.

Don't presume to lay the blame for cheating on the person that is cheated on.

That's cowardly, immature and downright scumbag behaviour.

If you have a problem in the relationship, you don't just run around and kiss strangers. You bring it up with your partner, and, if required, break it up before you do.

laura l

OS119 wrote: »

snogging some random bloke isn't cheating.

seriously? if you wouldn't do it in front of your partner then it's cheating in my book. would you honestly have no problem with seeing/hearing about your OH full on snogging someone else?!

CDfm

Confab wrote: »

You're probably better off telling your husband about it and ignoring the other guy if you can. I certainly wouldn't expect the guy to show guilt over it unless he forced you to kiss him or something.

Your friend sounds like a disaster.

You had the answer right. Cop on and ignore him.

Don't bother telling hubby about it - or over analysing it.

So why are you walking yourself into the situation if you don't want to??It seems quite silly for a grown up. If you dont like the situation that arises when you go out like this then stop doing it.

LegacyUser

laura l wrote: »

why did you stop being happy and content with your husband before kissing the other guy?

I suppose its been a build up of things that have made me angry which has resulted in me feeling a lack of loyalty to my husband.

One poster said that if it wasn't this guy it would be someone else, Im not sure about that, I think I was a bit oblivious to things until this guy starting pursuing me. By the way the feelings, flirting etc has been going on for about 8-9 months not two months as someone above said and if I was a weaker person I think alot more than a kiss could have happened in that time. This other guy has let me know that he wants more but Im no fool and Im pretty sure that he just wants to get me in bed.

When I read the responses I got here, it made me really upset, I know that alot of you are right. I think I need to take some time to think about things (not the other guy, I know he is not right for me) and decide whether my marriage is worth saving. Thanks to everyone for your opinions and advice.

laura l

OP if you come on looking for opinions you may not always like what you hear i'm afraid.

what has your husband been doing (or not doing) that merited you cheating on him? do you think it merited cheating on him in the first place?.

the guy you cheated with is married, does the fact he has a wife not attack your conscience at all?

CDfm

Its a 2 way street - you have been flirting etc with a guy and people giving away signals that you interested.

Your description of the kisser sounded great and a bit of a lounge lizard and married.

What signals are you giving your husband- disinterest?

So you have to ask yourself what signals you give.

It strikes me as odd that you are going clubbing with your single friends so you are giving the vibes of and behaving like you are single and available while all the time saying that you are loyal.

Then you have your conversation with your friend about taking it further - nobody is forcing you to do any of these things and yet you do them.

I don't see why you should be upset at the way others describe your behavior as they are strangers and your posts anonymous. Imagine what your work colleagues,neighbours and friends think of you .

G-Money

My advice would be to hold off telling him, for now. First of all you need to figure out why you did this. It's a well known fact that some people can be attracted to arrogant people, although if I had to guess, it's more likely to be a woman who is attracted to an arrogant man. Are you bored in your current marriage? Is there something missing there? Was it just a brief mistake? Or was it just a case that you decided to be unfaithful and damn the consequences?

I'd need to re-read your post but I don't think you mentioned that you regret doing this. Also the fact that you said "you danced around each other" shows that you knew something was brewing and allowed it to happen. I get annoyed when people put themselves in situations and allow things to happen and then refuse to take responsibility for it. Tell tale signs are phrases like "it just happened". In my book, nothing "just happens".

I also get the impression from your post that you are wondering if you should hook up with this guy and let it go further.

You need to look at why you did this. Was it a once off that won't happen again? Or as harsh as it is to say, are you just unable or unwilling to remain faithful in the long run? It might be a one off but what happens the next time some arrogant guy appears?

I don't know what other people think, but in my mind, kissing is cheating. Please consider how your husband would feel if he found out. And how can you be sure he won't? Also think about how you'd feel if he kissed some hot, tasty 20 year old at his office? I'm assuming you wouldn't like that.

Whatever happens, hopefully it works out the best for both people, genuinely.