So angry with ex

LegacyUser

I was with my ex for 2 years - it ended late last year after I found out he was cheating on me (I had been suspicious for ages but he kept denying it and denying it). I was so, so hurt that he could do that to me. He said he was sorry, regretted it blah blah. Well, not a week after I dumped him, he got with another girl, a female friend (American, let's call her Sarah)! A few months later, I started seeing someone but unfortunately he was moving abroad. We decided to see how things went, and decided that a long distance thing was worth it, as we really liked each other a lot. My new fella lives in Hong Kong so I have only visited once in the last 8 months.
My ex's new girlfriend Sarah went back to the States and ever since has been moaning and complaining on Facebook about how hard the distance is. She's only been back 3 weeks, he's already visited once and he'll be back within a month! How dare she complain? It just makes me so angry. I am also angry at how jammy my ex is - even his long distance relationship is way easier than mine, as he can visit much more often. It just seems so unfair after all he's done to me that he got away so easily.

I know his new girl has no idea he cheated on me (and his ex). In fact, me and him almost hooked up before I was with my new guy - he conveniently forgot to mention he was going out with Sarah! It is incredible how she thinks he's the greatest guy in the world - she has no idea. I am really tempted to message her. I know that's mean and people will tell me to just forget about it, but its so darn unfair. Not to mention I wish someone had warned me about my ex - if I'd known about his past cheating, I'd have steered clear. He is a fake, fake person. I've always been a good judge of character but his acting skills would win him an Oscar. The way he looked me in the eyes and told me I was crazy (for thinking he'd cheat) sends chills down my spine. I still have trust issues in my new relationship because of it. Why should he get off scot free?????

Nevyn

Stop reading her face book, stop comparing your life to your exs.
Cut them both out of your life and get on with healing yourself.

hollis12

yea the very worst thing people can do is compare their lives to their exs or anybody elses the comparisons are usually in the negative and its really all in the head!

G-Money

It sounds like you are still pretty bitter at how it ended and as a result you want revenge for him hurting you. I can understand why you'd feel like that. It's annoying when someone messes you around and seems to get everything their own way and you are the person who got hurt and have all the pain to deal with, and they are off happy as Larry.

I know this may not be easy but you just have to let it go, or at least for now, don't do anything about it. If you start messaging her, she won't really know who you are and from your post, it sounds like she didn't know he wasn't single so she may be an innocent bystander in all of this. But also it will show him how bitter you are at it all and heaven forbid, he might even enjoy the fact that you are still annoyed about it, even though you are with someone else.

I think you should just focus on your relationship with your new guy and just occupy your time and thoughts with other stuff so you aren't thinking about how this other guy wronged you.

I once read something in a Paul McKenna book where he was at something and this guy was telling the group how his wife had cheated on him and left him for another guy. They were all saying how sad this was when a woman in the group said "I guess she's his problem now". Try to think of it that way. Try to focus more on the fact that you got out while you did, and not when you were engaged, married, or had a child with him. Be happy that he's someone else's problem and you no longer have to sit and worry and wonder and be suspicious.

Hope this helps and all the best.

LegacyUser

Grandmaster that is a brilliant piece of advice about the ex being someone else's problem now.

OP - try to focus on your new relationship, that is where your attention should be now, make the most of the happiness you can derive from that, not the anger you feel at a prior relationship.

ash23

Stop comparing. You have no idea what he is doing. Ever think that the reason she is finding the long distance thing so hard is because she doesn't trust him?

You need to move on. She has nothing to do with you now. You are lonely and it seems that this obsession with her is being aggravated by your own relationship.
Long distance is one thing but once in 8 months? You're annoyed with your ex because he is making the effort to go and see Sarah while your fella hasn't been over to see you. It's bringing up insecurities that you probably felt when you found out he cheated on you. Like what has she got that you don't? Why can he make the effort for her and your fella doesn't for you?

I was in an LTR with a guy who cheated. I remember asking him to pick up a litre of milk and he got into a strop and gave out. Yet he drives for hours to see the girl he left me for. I killed myself with this for a while. Why was she worth it and I wasn't etc etc.

But you know what? I am worth it. he's just too stoopid to see it. I could bemoan that he strolled straight from one relationship into another while I'm still single but hey, at least I know I can be on my own and it's not half bad

Focus on your own life and your own relationship. You'll be much happier.

wexford202

OP his life is nothing to do with you now. Ye are finished.

You weren't the right person for him and that's why he cheated.

Maybe this girl is and he probably won't cheat on her. He obviously likes her alot more than he like you when he has already been to see her.

Even if you did tell he he cheated on you she won't care. Why would she.

You are coming across as bitter and twisted and do yourself a favour and forget about him before you make a complete fool of yourself.

nesbitt

wexford202 wrote: »

You weren't the right person for him and that's why he cheated.

Not necessarily so...

There are many reasons why people cheat.

Some people will cheat in a serial manner no matter that they are with the best other half and 'love' them the hit they get from cheating is what it is all about for this type of cheater.

worriedman

Whilst out recently in a park I met a female friend whos single, after a while we were discussing a mutual friend and how they were getting on when she asked me what the story was with him with a glint in her eye
how do you mean?
Well he's split up with his girlfriend isnt he?
Not that I heard.
Yeah, well I was talking with X in the pub and she said her facebook page has "not in a relationship", so I checked it and yeah, she says shes single. Will he going out soon dyou think?

Few days later, I meet the guy and I say it to him, he says
Ah things couldnt be better, sure I was there when the girlfriend put that up there, she jsut likes a bit of just for the sake of divilment, she hates all that social network stuff.

moral: Avoid facebook if possible, or take any info on it with a pinch of salt. Do not be getting stressed over it. Its half useful for finding old friends, or playing the odd game, that really, really is about it.

LegacyUser

Thanks for advice but a couple of clarifications:

My fella can't come over here. Don't wanna go into details, but he is not able to leave Hong Kong until next year. I knew that would be the case before we started going out.

Secondly, my ex is a cheat. He cheated on two other girls before me, on me and as I wrote in my OP, he tried to get with me while he was with this new girlfriend Sarah.

Thirdly, as well as her Facebook, Sarah uses Twitter and has her own blog. She isn't really the type to 'mess'. she writes up her innermost thoughts and feelings on there.

Wibbs

Ok, but so what? He. Is. An. Ex.

You don't know her and even if you did its not your place to tell her what's what in her relationship. IMHO It's feck all to do with her being lied to and getting hurt anyway. It's all to do with you and what you want and what you feel is "unfair". Nobody elses feelings are being taken on board here, of that I'm sure.

All you're doing is looking for some excuse(and it will be an excuse) to interfere(and I think you will) because you feel hard done by.

In this at least you sound very self centered and insecure and dare I say it a very immature lack of insight.

You have your own relationship, so put all this wasted selfish effort into that. How would he feel if someone told him you were expending this much energy on bitterness and jealousy on another man, an ex? If I was him and I discovered this streak in you I would be so gone so fast your head would spin and IMHO I would be dead right too. If he came on here and asked that's exactly what I would advise him to do.

Apologies for harshness but sometimes I do feel people need to be called on stuff, look at their actions and reasons for those actions, cop on and move on.

LegacyUser

Wibbs I see your point but I don't think I'm being unreasonable by feeling hard done by. He totally screwed me over and almost ruined my life. I actually do know Sarah - I met her before my ex and I broke up on several occasions.

Am I insecure? Yes. If I wasn't before, I definitely am after being cheated on and lied to. I have had a lot of problems in the past with self esteem and social anxiety, it took a lot for me to even trust my ex. He knew this. I only asked one thing of him and that was to tell me if he'd cheated. He didn't do that. Am I self centered? I don't think so. Not at all. I actually am a bit concerned about Sarah, as she has anxiety issues and is currently in therapy. For whatever reason, I've realised my ex seems to go for girls with bad self esteem, I guess to try and 'mold' them and make them feel dependent on him. This seems to be exactly what's happening with Sarah.

As for my fella, he knows all about this, and understands. He was there for me as a friend when this all happened with my ex. He thinks I should stop caring for my own good, but he understands why I am bitter/hurt/worried/whatever.

Wibbs

Oh don't get me wrong I understand why you are bitter and hurt, but I just think getting involved further is a bad bet. I also agree with your current partner on this. IMHO it won't give you the satisfaction or relief or closure you think it may. I'd put money on it.

So he's a git. OK now you know. He's an ex because of it. You can't tell this sarah person and she magically dumps him. I would be very surprised if she did. She may also play the shoot the messenger game, regardless of what she does.

When I say self centered I don't just mean selfish. I mean that this thing is all about you, how you were treated badly, how he screwed you over, how this has made you feel. That's grand and natural for a time, hell I'd be the same way, but to continue this past into your present, to put your focus on this guy and who he is with and what he may or may not do is not so grand IMHO. That and how your self esteem in the long term is still tied into this guy.

OK imagine a woman exactly like you, but with perfect self esteem. How would she react? She would be upset at the betrayal, but she would see that this was his problem not hers. She would find someone else after dealing with that emotionally and put her energies towards him. She wouldn't compare the ex and his new relationship with her own, because it simply wouldn't matter.


Your new guy may be very supportive. If I'm honest here, he's being a lot more supportive than I would be that's for sure. The reason I wouldn't be as supportive? I dont do drama. Not this kind. I am supportive of partners. Very in fact, but there exists a point for me where that would be thought about anew. I would feel it was messy and that it would be uncomfortable for me to have a girlfriend that was this focused on another man, her recent ex, a recent ex that overlapped with me emotionally. TBH I would be asking myself why I was in a situation like this that was still in flux and how this might affect our relationship. And as I said above I would worry that your self esteem was such that it was affected to this degree. I may even feel insecure over your jealousy about how your ex has a better LDR. I really would, but then again I've had bad experiences with this kind of thing(not the same, but where there was an unhealthy focus on the past, that affected the self esteem in the present) and it got old real quickly.. Now I'm not saying you're thinking about this all the time around your guy, but if it's a topic that's coming up a lot, he may start to feel a bit uneasy. TBH I would be concerned for the self esteem of a man who didn't.

OK enough of my waffle, my concern is that this may become unhealthy. This need for revenge and self justification. And I honestly think more of that is going on than concern for "sarah". I would put good money if you didnt know her from Adam(or Eve) most of this would be still going on. Knowing her just makes it easier to justify. Sarah is an adult, she'll learn quickly enough, or you never know he may change completely with her and they end up very happy together. How does that hypothetical thought sit with you?

he is in the past and that's where he should stay. You have a good guy now it seems, so put your energies into that. That's where they should be. That's the present and that's your future. The ex is a lesson learned, let sarah and your ex learn their own. Your long term self esteem will thank you for it I reckon.
My 2 cents of waffle

G-Money

We aren't saying you don't have a right to feel bitter or that it's unreasonable that you feel hard done by. I think most people in your situation would be exactly the same. What we are saying I think is that nothing worthwhile will come from you dwelling on how you were treated and trying to obtain a measure of revenge for how he behaved.

The best thing you can do is to stop worrying and thinking about his relationship with this other girl, it's between them. I don't really think you are obliged to go out and warn every other girl about him, even though you might feel like you should and you feel he deserves to be single and alone.

As I say, he treated you badly and you have every right to feel hard done by. But sooner or later you need to decide whether you are going to focus more on how you were hard done by in a relationship thats over, than you are on your new relationship with someone who is treating you well.

Also if he's the kind of guy he says he is, I'm sure he's not giving you a second thought, even though when you think about it, he should feel guilty. So not only has he treated you badly, you are extending the punishment yourself by constantly going over it in your head and not letting it go.

To be blunt, the relationship is over and I'm sure he's not giving you a 2nd thought so why should you give him the satisfaction of still thinking about him and what he did? The best revenge is to live well. That's what I suggest you do. Its hard to forget when you've been treated badly but if you constantly focus on that, then it's going to be very hard to forget about it. Plus it may negatively affect your current relationship, even if you don't mean it to.

Just forget all thoughts of warning this girl, or trying to get revenge. I know that will be really hard and that every fibre in your being will tell you that you deserve vengeance but the best thing you can do is just forget about it and move on with your life. Why let him continue to annoy you like this? Isn't he in someway winning if he's still annoying you after you've split up?

Just focus on other things and try to put it out of your mind.

Mr. Incognito

I'm sorry I can't be as understanding or as patient as Wibbs but you need a dose of reality.

GET OVER IT AND MOVE ON.

Inventing the fact that you are Sarah's "friend" to justify something that is so morally wrong. Would you take your head out of the sand please.

Stay away from her facebook and twitter and god knows what else you're snooping and get on with your own life.

A fella in Hong Kong for a year? Not what you need right now- you're not emotionally stable enough- you need a current beau anseo- in the here and now to take you and and take your mind off. Park the foreign relationship and the other foreign (in the past) relationship and go find someone that's available.

LegacyUser

I agree the long distance relationship is not at all ideal as it means I'm not actually doing stuff with him here and I'm on the internet a lot. However, I really do like him a lot and I would hate to dump him because of the distance. Who's to say I'll find another boyfriend? I'm very fussy about partners, my ex was my first real boyfriend ever.

About Sarah, yes I guess I'm jealous that she and my ex get to see each other so much more. I know it's silly to compare but it's so hard when she's whining about 3 or 4 weeks being unbearable when I have to wait 6 months! I will try to stop looking at her Facebook and stuff. It is difficult once you start though, and any messages between her and my ex come up on my home page

jellie

I feel the need to be blunt:

1. Hes an ex. His new relationship is none of your business.

2. His new relationship as nothing to do with yours. if he misses her or she misses him its nothing to do with how you feel about your bf and it shouldnt affect you whatsoever

3. Stop comparing.

4. delete them as a friends from facebook if it bothers you so much

Wibbs

I see where Mr. Incognito is going with this re your current boyfriend. He may well be right too. LDR can work. I've done it, but there has to be more connection beyond the internet. How did you meet this new guy? If it was on the internet or mostly on the internet, I have to say IMHO thats not a relationship. Ironic considering where I'm saying that but.... People can get into this web relationship stuff and it seems to trick the mind into thinking its more real than it actually is. I'd worry even more for your current guy if it's like this too. You're obsessing over an ex, he's far away, yet remains understanding? Eh nope. That sounds more like an inexperienced man when it comes to romance, that's a bit too insecure.

As for you being fussy and not finding someone else? You were fussy before and where did it bring you? So I wouldn't rely on that, nor ignore that aspect. If these are your first forays into BF/GF love and such, better to practice on someone anseo as Mr. Incognito said.


As far as your facebook is concerned, can you not simply block them? Techie types will doubtless come along to tell you how. I mean you hardly still have your ex as a facebook friend I presume? If it's the sarah person you have as one, I'd still delete her. If you won't do that, then I would suggest that you want to feel these feelings. Bad though they are, they are feelings and strong ones and with a BF far away maybe they're making up the shortfall of not being in an "average" day to day relationship? Just a thought.

LegacyUser

Wibbs wrote: »

I see where Mr. Incognito is going with this re your current boyfriend. He may well be right too. LDR can work. I've done it, but there has to be more connection beyond the internet. How did you meet this new guy? If it was on the internet or mostly on the internet, I have to say IMHO thats not a relationship. Ironic considering where I'm saying that but.... People can get into this web relationship stuff and it seems to trick the mind into thinking its more real than it actually is. I'd worry even more for your current guy if it's like this too. You're obsessing over an ex, he's far away, yet remains understanding? Eh nope. That sounds more like an inexperienced man when it comes to romance, that's a bit too insecure.

I don't know why you think it's on the internet. This guy was a good friend (in real life!) and we were seeing each other for a few months before he left. It was initially going to be just a fling, as I knew he was leaving (contracts were signed and flights booked) but we really ,really liked each other and decided to give it a go. I was over visiting him for 5 weeks in the summer and we talk every day on the phone and/or internet. He will be coming back for good in a few months. It isn't some weird internet relationship.

And he isn't inexperienced at all, or insecure. He's had a few serious relationships and a lot of other girlfriends. I think he just understands how painful the whole thing was for me, as he was there for me when it happened.

As for you being fussy and not finding someone else? You were fussy before and where did it bring you? So I wouldn't rely on that, nor ignore that aspect. If these are your first forays into BF/GF love and such, better to practice on someone anseo as Mr. Incognito said.

I don't click with many people. I don't see the point in dumping someone I really like and who really likes me, to go out with any random person.

As far as your facebook is concerned, can you not simply block them? Techie types will doubtless come along to tell you how. I mean you hardly still have your ex as a facebook friend I presume? If it's the sarah person you have as one, I'd still delete her. If you won't do that, then I would suggest that you want to feel these feelings. Bad though they are, they are feelings and strong ones and with a BF far away maybe they're making up the shortfall of not being in an "average" day to day relationship? Just a thought.

Yes, I do have both of them as friends. Silly as it sounds, the ex and I were trying to be friends and we were civil (we have a lot of mutual friends). I sort of felt that by deleting him, I was showing that it bothered me and that I couldn't cope with seeing his page anymore.

Wibbs

annabanana15 wrote: »

I don't click with many people. I don't see the point in dumping someone I really like and who really likes me, to go out with any random person.

I agree and as you've explained it's not just an internet thing and there's also the fact he's going to be coming back permanently. All good. I would still worry that if you don't knock this focus/jealousy thing on the head before he comes back it will impact your new relationship. No matter how understanding a guy may be, there will come a point depending on the guy where he says "ah ffs! Move on, cos this is getting old for me now". As I said TBH I wouldn't have much respect for a guy if that point didn't come for him. Understanding and kindness are a must in a man, but enabling behaviour by supporting it beyond a sell by date isn't.

Yes, I do have both of them as friends. Silly as it sounds, the ex and I were trying to be friends and we were civil (we have a lot of mutual friends). I sort of felt that by deleting him, I was showing that it bothered me and that I couldn't cope with seeing his page anymore.

Yes but it is bothering you and it seems you can't cope with seeing his page anymore. Keeping them on as facebook buddies when its affecting your life and freaking you out really makes no sense to me. It only makes sense to me if somewhere deep down you're getting some positive(unhealthy) feedback from it. If someone gets burned by a hot stove, you feel bad for them and the learn(or should) stove = hot, stove+touching=aooouch. My sympathy would drop away if they insisted on touching the stove. At that point I would figure they like being burnt. Same dealio here IMHO.

Delete them and move on, or you'll end up carrying the emotional fallout from your last relationship into this new one. More likely as there was no space in the middle for you to process the emotional fallout. You went straight into a new relationship. I'm not saying the new guy is a rebound, but where there's three people in a relationship then it could become one.

Taltos

MOVE ON ALREADY.

Whatever this guy is doing and whoever he is with is NONE of your business.
Get on with your own life and stop obsessing.

TBH - if you were my OH and I knew you were this stuck on an EX I would kick you to the kerb so fast the skidmarks would leave skidmarks.

Focus on your own life and on this LDR otherwise you will be another year down the line bemoaning that your new single friend Sarah is calling you a backstabbing B1tch.

jellie

by the way, you can hide someone from your news feed in FB. where they have a post on your homepage if you hover over it a hide link will appear in the top right and that will stop their posts showing up. that way the only way youll see anything about them is if you go looking on their page.

ellie1

I sort of felt that by deleting him, I was showing that it bothered me and that I couldn't cope with seeing his page anymore.

You clearly cannot cope as it is now becoming obsessional and vengeful.

Delete him and her as friends. Are you going to continue to allow your ex to control your life?

If this is proving to difficult , I would suggest you speak to a professional who will help you deal with all your feelings around this issue because you really appear quite stuck.

G-Money

I took the long route on FB. I was trying to forget about a girl and I didn't want the whole long painful guilt inducing conversation about why I'd deleted her from my friends page when we were "friends". So what I did was just completely delete my Facebook account. I then opened a new one with a new email address that she didn't have. That way she couldn't search for my email and add me/find me again. Then I just added everyone as friends again, excluding her obviously

When she noticed my profile was gone and asked me, I just made up some excuse about how I was fed up with Facebook and didn't use it that much so I deleted the account.

Maybe that might work for you. It helped that we had no mutual friends so I knew she couldn't track me down through them. I also changed the settings so she couldn't see my pic if she decided to do a search for me again at some point in the future.

username123

annabanana15 wrote: »

Yes, I do have both of them as friends. Silly as it sounds, the ex and I were trying to be friends and we were civil (we have a lot of mutual friends). I sort of felt that by deleting him, I was showing that it bothered me and that I couldn't cope with seeing his page anymore.

Delete them both as friends on Facebook. If you delete a friend on Facebook they dont know that you have done it. Its invisible. Just do it. The only reason you have them as friends is for snooping and its doing your head in.