Advice with meeting my ex needed

Paddy084

Hi All,

Just need a little bit of advice. I was going out with my ex gf for 8 years. We have been broken up about 6 or 7 months and met up once just after the breakup basically to just finalise it and had had very very little contact since. First couple of months were tough but I have been moving on since, out every weekend with friends and just trying to meet new people.

I defo dont think of her as much as I did at the start, but latley I cant get her out of my head cause I know Im going to see her in a few days at a mutual friends party. If I'm been honest I do still love her to pieces but Ive had to move on as she called the break up. If the opportunity came up I'd love to get back with her but I dont think I could ask her directly how she feels with fear of rejection and putting myself through all the pain again.

So basically Im really seeking for advice on how I should act at the party when I see her again. I know my heart is going to be thumping when I see her and Im going to feel quite awkard. But should I just say hi and leave the communication at that? Whats the best way to act if I really wanted her to notice me again and possibly get her thinking of me?

Thanks in advance for any advice or opinions you can offer me.

CDfm

You shouldn't behave like a love sick puppy -which you are. My view is go to the party and not drink. Drop in for an hour or so just enough for pleasantaries and if nothing sparks go. That keeps a bit of mystery and if she is thinking of you she may get in touch.By you taking the initiative you will look desperate and it may be that an hour is about as much as you could take without being awkward.

LegacyUser

Good advice above. Go to the party, stay as sober as possible and 'read the room'.

DO NOT get thrashed and use this as an opportunity to explain yourself, rehash the breakup, or even gauge whether she still has feelings or not.

Best outcome: a friendly chat.

If she still has feelings strong enough to consider a sequel they will come out much further down the line than a few months.

It might be no harm to have an alternative plan - drop round the party but have other friends to meet elsewhere if needed. You have to protect yourself here.

Wibbs

Bloody good advice from the previous two posters. If you get talking keep it light and fun. Good idea might be to remember how you were when you first met her. That's what she fell for and if there's any spark left that will fan the flames. Even if there's no chance of reconciliation she will think much better of you if you act like that.

Indeed I would go with the idea of reconciliation put out of your head entirely. Pretend you barely know her. Hard I know but pretend hard enough and it's nearly doable. treat her like any other woman at the party. Be cool and happy. Don't hover around her either. When you walk in I would approach her as fast as possible. She'll be feeling at least some tension too(naturally). Standing back and throwing glances her way looks wrong somehow.

Now I dunno if it's possible, but is there a chance she's going to show up with a bloke in tow? If so, big headwreck. I would in your place tell myself before you go that yes she will be with a bloke. Then you've kinda immunised your mind to that possiblity. It'll still sting but less so IMHO. Anyway if she has a guy in tow, then still go over as early as you can. You dont have to make as much of an effort to be as forward so soon, but it should stand to you. Introduce yourself to the guy. Joke with him etc. Be friendly. Your history is not anything to do with him so treat him accordingly. Again even if she feels no spark anymore you'll go up in her estimation as a man if you're nice to the guy. If there is still a spark there, well you being nice will still help. Especially if he like a lot of guys gets all huffy about "your ex is here!?".

Basically go, be the best you you can be, dont get píssed and be nice to all that are there regardless of how she feels.

Good luck anyway

ella87

Exactly keep yourself sober keep it cool and dont seem really eager towards her you dont want to seem clingy.
keep level headed,keep cool, calm and collected have a good time with your other friends at the party.I know it will be really difficult because you love her to bits, your tummy will be going crazy with butterflies from the nerves when you see her but you have to keep strong :]
maybe just give her a subtle friendly wave and smile if she makes eye contact to show that you arnt ignorant and arnt totally ignoring her either after all you did go out for so long she isnt a stranger.

LegacyUser

Wibbs wrote: »

Pretend you barely know her. Hard I know but pretend hard enough and it's nearly doable. treat her like any other woman at the party. Be cool and happy. Don't hover around her either.

When you walk in I would approach her as fast as possible. She'll be feeling at least some tension too(naturally). Standing back and throwing glances her way looks wrong somehow.

How you act, you shouldn't have to act, you should be over her by now, but anyway go and have fun enjoy yourself.

Do not approach her, a smile and a wave is enough.

If she comes over a brief friendly how are you chat, generic complements, you look great, without emotion etc.

You end the conversation, say great to see you again, I have to go talk to X

If you are introduced to her new boyfriend, hi nice to meet you, no stupid jokes, he is not your friend, you don't want to talk to him. Don't mention you went out with the girl, if he asks how do you know her, say we're old friends.

Wibbs

hhgg wrote: »

How you act, you shouldn't have to act, you should be over her by now

Of course but the OP has said he's not over her, ergo he's going to have to do some level of acting.

hollis12

just be yourself act as if you only knew each other as friends thats the best way to do it i find!

beertons

That's the best thing to do man, pop in for an hour, and no alcohol. She may have a new man with her. She knows you're going too I take it. She's going to be looking her best. Keep it cool, and have a good night. Let us know how it goes too!

Wibbs

hollis12 wrote: »

just be yourself act as if you only knew each other as friends thats the best way to do it i find!

+1 and I should have been clearer re chatting with any bloke she may bring along. I said be jokey with him, I'm jokey with everyone so that's what I projected onto the OP's situation. Maybe the best way to think of it is think of her like a good female mate who shows up with a new man(if she does) and act with him the way you would act in that situation.

G-Money

It's rarely easy meeting up with an ex (I assume, I don't really have much experience of having ex's) but I digress. I can only imagine it's especially difficult if you still have a thing for them.

I haven't read all the other posts so I don't know if someone has already mentioned this, and I don't want to make you feel bad, but I think you need to prepare yourself that she may not be turning up to the party alone. It will be awful if you go there, full of beans at the thought of seeing her again and she shows up with some w*****r. He could very well be the soundest guy around but lets be honest, when it comes to a guy who's with someone we like, we automatically label them to be w*****rs.

But anyway, I think you just need to keep that in mind so that your face doesn't drop if she shows up with some guy. Even if she doesn't, she could very well have some guy chasing after her at the party so you need to try and not be affected by that. Even if you are, the main thing is not to show it.

I know you've said you'd like to get back with her but seeing she decided to call it quits, I wouldn't really let her know that. If it was her who initiated the break, it should really be her to tries to start something up again I think, if that is even an option on the table.

As for how to handle yourself, I think not getting drunk is probably a good idea. I guess you could have one or two drinks if you feel it will make you more social and chatty but have no more than that. I also read somewhere before that the best revenge is to live well. Even if you miss this girl terribly, you can't let that show.

Just be social and friendly with everyone, not just her. Don't be afraid to chat to other girls, even if she's not around. Chances are that you'll be having good craic with them and you won't even notice her showing up. I think the best impression you can put forward is that you are doing fine without her and being friendly, fun and being social will convey that. It will tell her that you are a confident friendly person and you don't need to be with her to be happy and if she's anyway a decent person, she will be happy that you've moved on. It would be a pretty selfish unlikeable thing for someone to end a relationship, yet expect the other person to not move on sooner or later.

I know what you might be thinking: "But I still like her and I don't actually feel like I've fully moved on..." That could well be true, but even if it is, don't show it. Fake it until you make it. And you will make it.

One thing I try to remember if I'm in situations like these is that the girl has probably not been living the life of a celibate nun since it ended, so you shouldn't feel like you need to spend the whole night chatting to her. Of course be friendly to her, but be willing to walk away. In fact if you get chatting to her and you's are having a good time, walk away while you's are still having a good time. But don't be sudden about it. If you can somehow detangle yourself from the interaction while she's having a good time talking to you, and you end up talking to someone else, that will make her want to chat to you even more.

I'd also try and make sure you definitely talk to other girls when you are there. Not necessarily with the view to having their knickers on your bedroom floor about 4am, but just for the sake of being friendly and having a good time. Your value will rise in her eyes although your ultimate aim shouldn't be to do stuff to get her to want to take you back. Your aim should be to have a good time, but show her that you've moved on and you don't need her to be happy. Plus it will increase your value to other women in the room if you are seen to be chatty and fun and having a good time with everyone, girls and guys.

So to summarise, if you end up talking to her, be sober, be friendly but don't spend too much time with her. Chat to her a little bit if that's appropriate but make sure you chat and talk to other people and your encounter with her will be nothing more than a case of bumping into someone you know and chatting to them for a short while. But then you move on. Act like you would had you bumped into her on the street while you are going to catch the bus or something. Be chatty, but make your excuses and leave before she does.

Hope some of this helps

Be well.

Miss Fluff

Arrive at the party quite late so that it's in full swing and you're not the first two people in attendance.

Don't overdo it on the drink. Keep a clear head.

Be friendly but not overly interested. Not commital but warm. Don't make a beeline for her and don't ignore her either. Good advice on walking away while you are having a nice friendly chat with her. Don't get into heavy conversation or disecting the breakup.

Go with a good group of friends so you have plenty of people to have fun with.

Don't stay for hours on end. I'd be inclined to have a backup plan so you can make your excuses if necessary.

It's easy to have someone on a pedestal when they are out of sight. Keep an open mind that you might see her and it may just NOT all come flooding back. It may be the very thing that helps you move on OP.

Hope it goes well for you.