Advice my bf parents are intolerable

LegacyUser

Ive been with my boyfriend for nearly 5 years,we are both in our early 20's he still lives at home.
Im finding it harder and harder to hide my feelings towards his parents.
They are toxic,selfish,horrible people.They have done countless things (some of which you'd think were out of an episode of eastenders) over the past 4 years which escalated over the summer ,100% of which has been forgotten about and never talked about between the family which is what I find the weirdest.I can assure you they are things you really do need to talk about.
my bf doesnt see how utterly selfish and horrid his parents are and even he doesnt know how intolerable I find them.If I ask him about what has happened he says he doesnt care what they do anymore.
Im afraid it might break us up if I reveal my true feelings. I dont really want to say things they have done incase it discloses who I am, but I can assure you I am not the only one who thinks the way I do but everybody else seems to be able to hide their feelings towards them even though Ive never said anything to them.I never really speak to his parents when im at his house because to be honest because its like nuclear waste is pouring out of their mouths and into your ears.I just sit in his room watching tv.
Im at breaking point at the moment because I know his mother is talking about me behind my back to him(because hes told me) and I dont want her to break us up.She has nothing bad to say about me I have done alot for that woman and have been nothing but polite.I just cant put up with it anymore.
advice please??

ash23

Tread very very carefully.
They are his family. My family can be a bit Eastenderish at times.

The thing with families though is that you can say what you want about your own but if anyone else says it you'd be highly insulted.

If his mom is giving out about you behind your back, for the love og God, don't prove her right by saying bad things about her. These people are forever if you are serious about your boyfriend. They are his family and will always be in his life.


My best suggestion is as follows. Put as much distance betwwen you and them as possible without being able to be accused of ignoring them or coming between him and them.

You've been with him years and ye are early 20s now. Would you not consider getting a place with him. The you get to spend time with him without his family and on the evenings when he is going to visit you can be "busy".
You'll have to go over occassionally but it won't be as often so will be more bearable.

username123

Yikes - toxic in laws are the worst.

First up you need to be honest with your BF - I dont mean tell him you think they are the devils spawn, but you need to let him know that their behaviour makes you uncomfortable.

Then you need to just stay away from them, dont go to the house, get him to come to your place, if he asks why tell him that their behaviour makes you uncomfortable and youd prefer to see him away from them.

Its either that or button your lip and say nothing. But if you do that its gonna eat away at you and maybe all come pouring out during a heated moment that you later regret, better to let him know calmly and politely that you dont like being around whatever behaviours you are referring to in your post.

LegacyUser

ash23 wrote: »

Tread very very carefully.


The thing with families though is that you can say what you want about your own but if anyone else says it you'd be highly insulted.

.

thats why i dont want say anything to him incase it breaks us up.its a pickle of a place to be.

LegacyUser

username123 wrote: »

Yikes - toxic in laws are the worst.

First up you need to be honest with your BF - I dont mean tell him you think they are the devils spawn, but you need to let him know that their behaviour makes you uncomfortable.

Then you need to just stay away from them, dont go to the house, get him to come to your place, if he asks why tell him that their behaviour makes you uncomfortable and youd prefer to see him away from them.

Its either that or button your lip and say nothing. But if you do that its gonna eat away at you and maybe all come pouring out during a heated moment that you later regret, better to let him know calmly and politely that you dont like being around whatever behaviours you are referring to in your post.

yikes indeed!
shes giving out about me because i am trying to distance myself away from the house and by not talking to them much when im in the house.
im afraid if i do say something to my boyfriend he might become really annoyed and dump me.
if something else happens im definately going to tell him i cant deal with it anymore i should have said it to him already but i didnt have the courage.your right it is coming to the stage where its boiling up im afraid a small trigger might make me say everything.


thanks to both of you :]

username123

Thats why I think you need to let him know that it bothers you - its much worse if it all comes out in a big torrent.

Plus - you dont want to be living a lie. You dont have to be insulting about them to him, just be clear that the behaviour makes you uncomfortable and you would rather not be around it.

If you are with him 5 years I doubt he is just going to dump you because you express a valid opinion about his parents behaviour.

Remember - do not personally attack them, attack the behaviours. Dont say they are bad nasty people, say that such and such a behaviour upsets you for whatever reason.

LegacyUser

username123 wrote: »

Remember - do not personally attack them, attack the behaviours. Dont say they are bad nasty people, say that such and such a behaviour upsets you for whatever reason.

good advise about the behaviour instead of personally attacking im just gonna have to think carefully about what to say.
exactly i dont want to be living like this anymore if he takes it horribly sure what can i do.
its so uncomfortable them carrying on like nothings happened in the past few months its like a bomb really waiting to go off im waiting for the next crazy thing to happen.
he cant expect me to carry on feeling the way i do in his house i wouldnt expect him to.
thanks