Gf, Virginity, confused

LegacyUser

I'm a 20 year old male she's 18

We're both virgins and have talked about having sex quite a bit. We've been going out for 9 months now....i know i know its a hell of a long time without sex. I love her to bits and she loves me too.

She has been abused sexually as a child by a family member, she says all those feelings come back when she thinks about us having sex but when we are in bed it seems like she is all over me. she does everything but the actual sex part. She also has an eating disorder.

I'm just wondering if its right for me to feel hurt that she doesnt want to share this with me after 9 months, how long do i wait? i always get the feeling that she doesnt actually love me and is just using me.

I really cant see myself leaving her just because of this reason, ive told her i will wait until she is happy and ready to do it.

am i being a jerk for feeling like this? its like walking on egg shells bringing it up cause i dont want to make her feel pressured but when i do bring it up she is ok about it and will talk and answer any questions i have, she even asks some herself....

eviltwin

It must be really frustrating for you but don't pressure her. The fact she has an eating disorder is a pretty good indicator that she hasn't really dealt with the sexual abuse. She really needs to tackle that before she's in the right frame of mind to get into a sexual relationship otherwise you could put her back even more.

Are you being a jerk? No not at all, its natural to feel that way but I really admire you for not pushing her. A lot of blokes wouldn't give a ****. I do wonder though if being involved with anyone at any level is right for her...maybe what she really needs right now is just a friend

shellyboo

I think, given her past and her current issue, you're going to have to do this on her terms.

If you're finding it difficult being intimate with her and then having to stop, don't be afraid to say no to her. If it would be easier for you to just cut heavy intimacy, then that's something you have a right to do.

confused__

confused__ wrote: »

She has been abused sexually as a child by a family member, she says all those feelings come back when she thinks about us having sex

OP has this girl been to a professional to deal with this problem as it's clearly affecting her life
even if she has she may need to go back

you're being great for being patient and everything but is she actually dealing with it? if so, then all it takes it time, which you'll have to give her, and you're definitely not being a jerk

Gyalist

Unless your girlfriend has taken active steps to overcome her issues by seeking professional help, I'd advise you to abandon ship.

Sounds harsh but it is the wisdom that I've acquired through similar previous relationships.

LegacyUser

yes she is having ongoing therapy every week and she takes meds daily
sorry i didnt know that that was relevant

Gyalist

confused__ wrote: »

yes she is having ongoing therapy every week and she takes meds daily
sorry i didnt know that that was relevant

I would still advise you to end the relationship. It's unfortunate, but not everyone is relationship material and in any case there are millions of emotionally healthy women out there.

We men like to take on a "project" girl thinking that we can fix them. The usual result is that you end up wasting years of your life.

eviltwin

Have you spoken to her OP and explained how you feel?

confused__

confused__ wrote: »

yes she is having ongoing therapy every week and she takes meds daily
sorry i didnt know that that was relevant

If it's that bad and it's been 9 months, you might want to think about where it's going. If you love her very much yeah you can stay with her and hope for the best, but you may have to face up that you may never get the sex life you are looking for. You may also find it very emotionally draining, you may end up regretting spending years with her.


Tbh I think you should end it anyway. You're young and inexperienced, find someone who doesn't have so much baggage and enjoy a healthy relationship.

Lollipops23

OP fair play for being so patient and understanding; plenty of guys your age would run a mile from this situation. You clearly care deeply about her, and she's lucky to have a guy like you.

Now onto the problem at hand. It appears that she has not sufficiently dealt with her issues, as her eating problems and her fear of intimacy aren't merely a coincidence. I would advise you have a calm and reassuring chat with her about the intimacy problem, and perhaps ask her to discuss this with her therapist? It's only going to become a bigger issue, particularly as she gets older.

Again, kudos.

Contessa Raven

Hi OP.
First of all, you aren't a jerk for feeling like you do. But this is a delicate situation. If she says that these memories/feelings/emotions from the abuse keep flooding back then it's probably gonna be a good while before sex happens tbh. She needs to confront her demons before these feelings will go away. It's up to her how she deals with them (through counselling, meds etc).

You say you will wait (this is good) but that you feel she is using you. Why do you think this? If she is (and I say if because I don't yet know why you think this) using you then maybe you'd be better off apart or just friends.

I've been where your gf is now (minus the eating disorder) and the recovery process takes time. With an eating disorder I imagine it will take longer. (not saying it will but it may) She's very lucky to have someone who loves her and is as patient as you and this can only help her get her confidence and strength back. It might be a good idea to suggest she talk to her counsellor about your plans to have sex too? She might already have but if she hasn't it could give her something to aim for. (E.G. If I can get this far with my progress then me and X can take the next step.) Or maybe her counsellor can help her separate the abuse from the act of sex within a loving relationship.

It's worth a shot if it can help her progression towards recovery.

Best of luck OP!

LegacyUser

sorry for the late reply, busy work week.

i dont see her as a "project" i was mad about her before i knew all this she told me 5 months into the relationship. she has three sisters and they dont even know, its only her parents that know and now me.
ive spoken to her parents about it and theyve been helpful with advice on how to handle her eating.

i sometimes feel used as in she might be using me to get comfortable with sexual things again because im so patient but i know she wouldnt do those things with anybody else so she must love me. (took two months to get to touch her without clothes in the way) but i still feel this way. shes a stunning girl but she thinks shes ugly.

Im not really looking for a sex life i dont want to have sex just to get me end wet ive waited to be with a girl who i love and now when she says no its just confusing and hurtful, i dont know how to make her understand this though. how can i tell her how i feel without making it out that i just want sex?

Mr. Incognito

I dated a girl for three years that was sexually abused as a child. She also was going through therapy. The secret of getting over horrible memories is building good ones on that.

It may be hard but if you love her stick it out. It is something that will always be there but in time can be overcome.

The secret really is communication. Listen to her. Don't dictate to her. Tell her how you feel and listen to how she feels. The fact that she has shared all this with you shows the depths of her feelings so don't be in a hurry to run away.

in the end we broke up for other reasons but I learned a lot from that relationship, about her, about me and about the emotional scars that sort of trauma leaves on a child.

It'll happen man and when it does it'll mean so much more to you. Cherish that.

And remember she's only 18- sex is a big deal at that age abuse or no.