overcoming the past

LegacyUser

I recently lost my virginity to my boyfriend of 7 months.... he has previously been with two other girls...
My problem is I feel quite bothered by the thought of him being with someone else and its on my mind a lot.. it makes me feel a little intimidated... He has told me that I am the only one it matters with, and the other times were mistakes, he felt pressured etc.

I know he obviously cant erase his history, and I'm not trying to make him do that... Just wondering if anyone has any tips to help me overcome this?

Thanks!

LegacyUser

I lost my virginity to a boyfriend a while back. We had the "talk" beforehand and I asked him how many partners he had. He told me he had no idea, because he didn't see that he needed to keep track, he got tested every so often and made sure he had safe sex.
If I'm being honest it bothered me a bit that we were so far apart in terms of experience, but everyone has a past, people just don't wait until marriage any more.
On the plus side, my first time was great because he knew what he was doing, unlike many of my friends' first times, which were teenage fumbles with guys they hardly knew.I'm with a new man now and I couldn't care less, I think once you get past the whole "OMG I'm not virgin anymore" (I waited a LONG time to lose it, as I suspect you did) it either won't bother you as much or you'll move on and chalk it up to experiance.

lolli

I think that you are over thinking this. He has been with other people in the past. Two is a relatively low number. The most important thing that you have to realise is that he has chosen to be with you so why are you even bothering about the past. Its in the past so its best just leave it there.

Just don't think about it, enjoy being with each other, teach each other and have fun!

G-Money

I can sort of see your point. I know myself if I was with a girl I'd sort of prefer our levels of experience to be similar. I've had almost no experience in that respect so I think I'd feel like the girl has got one over on me if she's had quite a few more partners than I've had. I know as it is that I feel like I'm missing out on something and I'm not sure I could settle until I'd taken care of that. It doesn't help either reading all the stories on here about "i slept with someone last night" or people talking about their tales of easily obtained casual sex. Enough of my issues though!

But if you are happy with this guy then I think you just have to try and forget about his past. I'm sure he doesn't like the thought of you having kissed other guys. I know it's not exactly the same but you get my point.

LegacyUser

OP.

As a guy with a lot of experience I can give you the flip side of the coin.

About a year ago I started seeing a girl who was a virgin. I didn't know this at first. And indeed didn't know for a few months until she told me. She thought I would flip out, run away or never want to see her again. I was puzzled by this. We'd been waiting as I knew she wanted to and it didn't matter to me if she'd been with nobody or 20 people. All I knew was that if she wanted to wait then I would wait as I wanted to be with her, and not anybody else that was in my past or could possibly be in my present.

I explained to her one night that although I was a lot more experienced than her, we were on an equal footing when it came to wanting each other. I was happy and content to be with her and she with me.

It took a bit, and some unsure and insecure conversations but she realised that what was in my past was in my past and what really mattered was what we had together.

Happy to report that we're still together and going strong.

kittenkiller

OP, you know your jealousy is irrational, at least that's a start.

The only thing you can do is try to push it out of your mind and just enjoy being with your boyfriend.

It's be a shame to overshadow a young relationship with jealousy over nothing at all.
You'll end up torturing yourself if you don't dismiss these thoughts.

Try doing new things together, doesn't have to be anything x-rated, but just things that neither of you have done before that you're doing together for the first time.

Have fun and relax, you'll go mad otherwise.
Best of luck.

Terodil

Experi wrote: »

I explained to her one night that although I was a lot more experienced than her, we were on an equal footing when it came to wanting each other. I was happy and content to be with her and she with me.

This is very wise and beautiful.

I think there are two main things going through somebody's mind who is together with somebody with 'more experience':

1. 'The Notch Complex'
2. 'The Past is The Past'

A new partner hoping for a long-term, trusting relationship may fear that they're just another notch on the bed post, especially if their new love has had several other partners before.

I have come to realise that while I myself do not like sex for sex's sake, the simple number of sexual relationships says nothing about the emotional attachment to the other. People tick differently and while people on one end of the scale would keep sex until they've found their partner for life, people on the other end may enjoy no-strings-attached sex on a daily basis. If people find themselves on the latter end or somewhere in the middle of the scale, it does not mean that they automatically regard their current relationship as just the same in a series (i.e. just a sex/fb-relationship) and bound to end the same way as all previous ones.

I would be more concerned about the emotional relationship history, if it were. If somebody claimed to have been in 5 serious relationships over the time of 2 years (random numbers!), then I would personally doubt that s/he had the same understanding of 'deep' that I have. I would be concerned and fear for a continuation of that pattern (i.e. the relationship ending after half a year), whereas the simple number of sexual contacts is pretty meaningless (standard disclaimer: as long as everything's been safe, consensual etc etc).

This is the reason why I don't believe in the 'the past is the past' mantra so often voiced here. I need to understand what the other really sees in the relationship and how s/he understands relationships in general. The past is no indicator of the future, of course, but her thoughts about her own past are important. The ability to self-reflect is hugely attractive to me and important. If she didn't reflect her past, if she simply put all break-ups down to some random influence or a one-sided defect (by the other partner), then I would be worried.

Nobody of us is perfect, and each of our histories have their dark spots. It's how we deal with them that makes us or breaks us, personality-wise. If I love somebody, then I need to be able to love her with their bright spots and their dark spots. (And yeah @Metrovelvet below: Not saying experience = dark spot, but what is applicable to dark spots is a fortiori applicable to less problematic things.)

Anyway, sorry for the long ruminations... tldr: If he really loves you then you shouldn't worry simply because of his sexual history. Other things are much more important!

metrovelvet

Experience is not always a dark spot or something to be ashamed of. I hope this guy does not feel ashamed of himself or that he should even have to erase his history.

OP- Your imagination is getting the better of you and you are hanging your insecurities on his past, where they don't really belong.

The more you are with him the less this will matter to you.