Can't figure her out...advice needed

LegacyUser

Met a girl a few weeks back...we both divorced and 40s...we get on fab..have been out lots..have been to each others places (and beds..)
All is good......... except..............

She is rather quiet..a bit less so now that we 'know' each other better..whereas Im quite forward and chatty...

Just cant figure out why if I text that replies can take ages and can be very short..sometimes no reply...

Is it just me being silly? I only send a couple of texts BTW..

It kinda bugs me..I did mention it but just got a shrug of the shoulder LOL

John Mason

text messages are for teenagers.

adults talk

my text messages are very short and to the point, that is if i can be bothered replying to them.

i would stop with texts unless something like directions or am sitting by the bar etc.

also you said she was in her forties, does she know how to text? you would be surprised how many cant

LegacyUser

irishbird wrote: »

also you said she was in her forties, does she know how to text? you would be surprised how many cant

LOL

Yeah she can text :-)

Yeah I guess you're correct, texts are a bit 'young' for us...as I said I'm probably being silly

Taltos

Agreed with the mod.
I too dislike texts - though my OH loves em.
The odd time - if the time is inconvenient I have to say I even get annoyed when they beep in - so much so that I have my phone on silent and do instead miss the odd call.

Different strokes for different folks and all that. Maybe try raising it again with her - she might just prefer the old fashioned voice than some faceless text.

It could also be that she is playing hard-to-get and is just making sure that she is not seen as being over-eager. Only way to find out...

Wibbs

_need_advice_ wrote: »

Yeah I guess you're correct, texts are a bit 'young' for us...as I said I'm probably being silly

I wouldn't worry about txts being too young for you or "adults talk" guff. I'm in my 40's and can text quite a bit and I wouldn't be alone in that. I don't Tweet or Facebook or whatever, but wouldn't be too worried if another did and they can be very useful for some too. It's just another form of communication and I've had some very useful convos by text. Horses for courses an all that.

Some of my exes were demons for the oul texting and MSNing and others weren't and for the most part we found a balance that suited us both. That's the thing really and it could be any form of communication. If one is big on phonecalls say and the other isn't(EG I wouldn't be that pushed on phonecalls) then some compromise is good. Same for personality. I would be driven demented by a social wallflower and they would be equally driven demented by me, so some meeting in the middle would have to happen.

The diffs in your personalities would be more of an issue for me, if it's extreme. It's early days yet though and you're both finding your feet with each other. I reckon the older one gets the more that can happen too. Baggage is heavier and you may feel a bit more self protective emotionally than you would be at 17. That usually passes as you get to know each other though(as you say it has) so time will tell and if everything else is going well fair play to you both.

LegacyUser

I'm in my forties & I text all the time. I hate talking on the phone apart from arranging a meeting or whatever but I'll text forever. So it's not an age thing.

She's probably just taking things a bit cautiously at the start until she's sure of where it's going. Maybe back off a small bit for a while? I'm in a similar situation at the moment & that's what I'd like my guy to do.

LegacyUser

Thanks for replies...

Think a chat is in order...

Couple of texts this eve..said I'd ring at 10..text at 10 to see was she free............no reply...at all...

Sorry but that's WEIRD !!!! In person she's all about me but apart I don't exist...now I'm suspicious.........

Taltos

_need_advice_ wrote: »

Thanks for replies...

Think a chat is in order...

Couple of texts this eve..said I'd ring at 10..text at 10 to see was she free............no reply...at all...

Sorry but that's WEIRD !!!! In person she's all about me but apart I don't exist...now I'm suspicious.........

Just a thought - and I could be totally wrong here - but is there any chance you are coming across as just too needy? If so this might explain the non-responses.
The reason I am asking that is twofold
1) we don't know how much you are texting
2) your quote above - a) you said you would ring at 10; b) you text first to see if free - why not just ring?

As I said I might be totally off the ball - it's early and not enough coffee yet to get my brain into gear.

LegacyUser

Taltos wrote: »

Just a thought - and I could be totally wrong here - but is there any chance you are coming across as just too needy? If so this might explain the non-responses.
The reason I am asking that is twofold
1) we don't know how much you are texting
2) your quote above - a) you said you would ring at 10; b) you text first to see if free - why not just ring?

As I said I might be totally off the ball - it's early and not enough coffee yet to get my brain into gear.

HIya
Nope been making sure not to pester...as I said only a couple of texts..one morninga dn one evening..
I normally text people to see if they are free as I feel its polite (especially at start of a relationship..)
I know she was simply at home last night so its just strange...

And as for too needy..no I think, just letting her know I do like her

Im not texting at all today and we'll see what develops...mind you Ive done ALL the running in this..if I hadnt asked and texted etc we would have no further than first date..

Taltos

Cool - just wanted to be sure.
Sometimes it is what is unsaid that says the most.

Something to consider so is that if you are doing all the running and getting nowhere - this might just be where this relationship is headed.

Guess the sooner you both sit down and chat face to face the better.
Hope it works out for you though.

LegacyUser

Taltos wrote: »

Cool - just wanted to be sure.
Sometimes it is what is unsaid that says the most.

Something to consider so is that if you are doing all the running and getting nowhere - this might just be where this relationship is headed.

Guess the sooner you both sit down and chat face to face the better.
Hope it works out for you though.

Cheers ..

Final question...

Do you not think that a few weeks of going out and a couple of 'stay overs' is really too early to be asking her where we are going?????

I wonder could any of this be to do with the fact that, apparently, I'm the first guy she's been with after a long marriage (and she married young..)

I simply wish to know that I'm not wasting my time (been there before...) Once I know that it's all to play for and I'm at ease with the world LOL

Wibbs

IMHO, I dunno about having the "where is this going talk" after a few weeks and a couple of nights of pashing. It sounds a bit early to me. Maybe a general talk about you as a couple, but even that I think is a bit early. If she is a bit reticent it could well freak her out and make you look needy or at least over eager. That's grand if both of you are like that, but it doesn't sound like she is from your description. I'd play it by ear for another month anyway. Another o month won't be much and you should have a better idea then.

As for her not texting. She could simply be someone who doesn't see them as a serious method of communication. A few of the posters here already say they don't. It doesn't mean they wouldn't be interested in someone though if they were in your situation. Not at all. I personally would reply to a text as soon as I could as it takes so little time(and I'm so dopey that I may forget), but I know others who would leave it for hours or days to reply. She may be someone who only switches their phone on at certain times of the day too. That would be an age thing IME. I have mine for biz as well as personal so I'm easily contacted.

Now you say you've done "ALL the running" in this. Again it depends on the person, especially if she's been stung before. Some women like the man to do all the running up to a point and some go for more of an equal thing. Personally I prefer the latter, but I know some bloody good couples where the former was how it went down in the early stages. The former is harder to judge for the guy though.

At this stage though you should have a fair idea of whether shes into you or not. Maybe step back and forget for a second what you want and look at her actions and words. People will tell you what they want if you listen hard enough. People are usually pretty honest if you detach your own needs from the equation. That can be hard to do in a romantic situation in fairness.

You say in person she's all about you, but you feel once outa sight outa mind? Again that could just be down to how she is. Some people compartmentalise their partners more than others. Some need to be totally involved all the time and others only when the other person is around. That can even vary in the same person. I know one woman who was going out with a guy and she said 6 months in that she was a little concerned in a vague way. Compared to her previous guy(big love type), she thought less of her current guy when he wasn't around. They're still together AFAIK years later and for longer than when she was with the big love guy.

Short answer. Step back and take what you may want out of the equation. Listen to her. Listen to your gut. Give it another month.

Oh The Humanity

Keep an open mind OP.

It could be something as simple as adult literacy problems.

Tread gently until you get to know her a little more!

LegacyUser

Wibbs wrote: »

I
Short answer. Step back and take what you may want out of the equation. Listen to her. Listen to your gut. Give it another month.

Thanks wibbs..yes reckon I should step back...I've been here before and gotten burnt (BADLY)

It annoyed me so much I slept little last night...yeah yeah I know I know :-(

Anyhow I just got a text (whilst typing this..) telling me she 'missed' me last night... WTF???????

Whynotme

If you said you would ring at 10pm, ring at 10pm. Don't ask. It comes across as you being indecisive. Hate when someone says they will do x, y or z and then checks it's ok.

If you're the first person she has been with after break-up, she may be feeling lots of conflicting emotions. Thankful that she hasn't 'lost it', nerves that it is too soon, worry about how to 'play' the dating game. Loads of stuff, so give her time and space, if you think she is worth it. Let her know that you're not pushing her but enjoy her company etc and want reassurance that you are both enjoying each others company.

ManOfMystery

Agree with the above.

If you say you're going to ring at 10, then RING. Why text first? I know you're trying to be polite but it just comes across as pussyfooting. I personally would find it irritating, maybe she does too?

If she's not available to speak, she either won't answer or will tell you she'll call you back, simple as.

Wibbs

I agree with the previous posters. The more you read into things and react half cocked, the more you push the less she'll fancy you. I'd put money on it. That kinda thing is kryptonite to female interest and arousal. It makes you look desperate, emotionally unstable and weak. You might be the strongest guy on earth in other areas, but if you do this on the romantic front chances are very high she won't like it. Why do you think so many women go for bastards? At least they hide their lack of confidence well.

She texted "I missed you" that means she missed you last night. End of.

Unclench and relax and just go with the flow. Much better bet IMHO

Oh The Humanity

Im telling you, you need consider she has reading and writing problems.

She could be waiting for someone elses help to write the replies to you.

I have a friend like this and she used to have to wait for my help to read the received texts and write the replies. So to the recipient everything seemed out of kilter and oddly timed.

Just keep an open mind and observe whether she reads menus etc

LegacyUser

_need_advice_ wrote: »

Anyhow I just got a text (whilst typing this..) telling me she 'missed' me last night... WTF???????

Maybe she just meant that she had missed your call i.e. that she hadn't been available to take it, as opposed to missing you?

I think you need to take things at her pace for a while. Let her make the next contact with you.

hollis12

_need_advice_ wrote: »

Met a girl a few weeks back...we both divorced and 40s...we get on fab..have been out lots..have been to each others places (and beds..)
All is good......... except..............

She is rather quiet..a bit less so now that we 'know' each other better..whereas Im quite forward and chatty...

Just cant figure out why if I text that replies can take ages and can be very short..sometimes no reply...

Is it just me being silly? I only send a couple of texts BTW..

It kinda bugs me..I did mention it but just got a shrug of the shoulder LOL

she probaly wants you to ring her instead and is trying to get the hint across!

LegacyUser

Oooops...

Mystery sorted.....she never received text..apparently..she was waiting for me to ring...so in future thats exactly what I'll do..

We met up again tonight and all is GREAT... :-)

Sorry for being a plonker annoying ye with my silly concerns...but thanks for advice of not being seen as too pushy...

My major fault in all past relationships has been over analyzing all that happens and is said...will make a determined effort not to repeat my past mistakes this time..

Thanks boards, ye are great :-)

Taltos

Cool glad you got it sorted.

Think Wibbs hit it on the head - esp around your last reply. Just sit back and try to enjoy it without over analyzing.

Sorry for my bum advice on "where are we going lark" - really glad you canned that one esp at this stage in your relationship.

nesbitt

Just on the 'where are we going' question.

Perhaps tell your other half that you are really enjoying seeing her etc and that you would like to be 'exclusive' and see each other as BF/GF etc.

I know this is an americanism but works well to get to know where you stand with someone you are dating and really into without coming across too intense too early. All the best.

LegacyUser

Thanks for replies..

Interesting responses..

Just to explain I was badly 'dumped' a few months ago by a girl I loved deeply..been out with a few girls since then .. no spark at all..then current comes along and I suddenly forget all about ex..dont even know why I was with her now :-)

So I need to let my girl know I'm very fond of her (exclusively..) Her bday is in 3 weeks and I guess that could be an ideal opp to expand on how I see things??
Methinks there is a fine line between scaring her off and letting her know I like her a lot :-)

Am I over analysing again ? LOL