How to break up? Help...

LegacyUser

Been going out with my gf for about 3 months...

But it's just not there anymore...I don't feel as I should..kinda came over me at weekend really..she's just not for me..lots of reasons..

So I need to stop this asap, before things go any further..she wont be seeing it coming and I know she's gonna be shocked, upset, heartbroken etc...she's a lovely woman in every way and I don't want to hurt her..

I dont really have the guts to just blurt it out...

Im away with work for a few days tomorrow so was thinking of saying 'I feel crowded and need some space..my few days away will give me just that'...and assuming I feel same way when I return just end it...

Is that fair? Otherwise it will be like a bolt from the blue...

I feel awful :-(

Wibbs

Apologies for what I'm gonna say, but you're just going to have to "man up" on this one. While it appears harsh the completely honest upfront, short sharp shock is the only way to go. You could build up to it with "I need space", but unless she's slower than continental drift she's going to know somethings up.

Just be honest in your need to leave her. She deserves that. Do not give her any guff about "maybe down the line" or "it's not you it's me" or any of that. Do not suggest "we should be friends". For pity's sake don't get into specifics either, she'll build it up enough in her own head without adding to that. Tell her there's no one else, which I presume is the case. Just say as you said here, that you're not feeling the way you should and that's not fair on her on either of you. You think she's great and wouldn't have gone out with her if you didn't, but she deserves better and you both need more than that. Wish her well and tell her that you feel it would be a bad plan for both of you to keep in contact fr the time being. You can say that you may end up mates in the future, but not now.

Now this may be hard for you and a bit scary, but ignore that and just make the break. Any anxiety you feel is not going to be the same as what she may feel. Breakups are rarely easy, but there's little to be gained by making them harder, especially for the one being left.

G-Money

I've never had to break up with someone, one of the "advantages" of never having had a relationship, but I think you just need to do it. It's obvious from your post that you are certain this is the right thing to do, so you need to do it.

Of course it won't be easy and she will be hurt. But what will hurt her more is if you let it drag on. I'm sure she will say something like "how long have you been feeling like this?" And the last thing you want to say is that it's been a long time. The sooner you end it, the sooner it will be over.

I remember going out meeting a girl from an internet dating site. We got on well and only had one date and I sensed she was interested, but I wasn't. I felt so bad making my excuses to leave but I knew if I had stayed or let anything happen I'd just have been doing it so as to not hurt her. It's weird in that doing the worst thing (ending it/saying you're not interested) is kind of the best thing for the other person.

Anyway I know I was only on one date with this girl so it's not really a fair comparison. But the reason I bring it up is that I felt so bad about it. She seemed like such a lovely wee girl, the kind you'd want to protect. But I just had zero interest in her relationship/girlfriend wise. It didn't alleviate my feelings of guilt though. I went home feeling like such a scumbag even though I knew I didn't do anything wrong. I then text'd a friend of mine and he said something that made me feel better and I think it might make you feel better. He said "the fact that you feel bad is the reason you shouldn't feel bad. Some guys treat girls like s**t and it wouldn't cost them a second thought."

I don't know if that helps but seeing you know the relationship is over, it's better to just tell her and get it over and done with.

I gotta agree with the clean break idea.

If you give her a vague "i need space" and then dissappear for a few days she'll probably spend those few days worrying. Very unfair to put her in that position.

Make the break assertive and clear but give her a chance to talk to you about it if she wants. Explain that theres nothing wrong that she can fix or change, you just know you dont want to be with her.

ash23

Just tell her upfront. I've been dumped a few times (woe is me ) and the worst ones were always the prolonged, drawn out dumping. The short, to the point, no lies and no promises ones hurt like hell but were easier to get over in the short term.

The "we can still be friends, I need some time, I still care about you, maybe after I have some space we can get back together" etc etc were the pits.
Because you're strung along for weeks and dumped in the end and its more humiliating and painful than if the guy just dumps and goes.

You might feel like a shlt for doing it but she'll get over it.

nesbitt

Also try and find neutral place to meet where you are both comfortable. Be kind but absolutely straight and to the point. Tell the truth but don't get into specifics if at all possible sometimes being a bit vague is better... Do not prolong the other persons pain and enable them to move on with a 'clean' break up.

Had to do this myself last week and feel quite down but know it is for the best in the long run for both of us. I thought about my break up conversation for several days but it had been brewing for weeks now.

Finally absolutely do this face to face, on no account do the email or text break up. All the best

Bottle_of_Smoke

I think a good line is "I'm never going to fall in love with you"

I reckon the problem with break-ups is saying "I don't like you enough to go out with you" - its a difficult thing to say/hear which is why people say crap like "its not you its me"

"I'm never going to fall in love with you" is honest and logical.

Agent J

Pretty much going to echo all of the above. Been on both sides of the break up divide a few times at this point.

Should be like a good sniper kill. Quick, clean headshot and hopefully never see it coming.

There is nothing worse when the other person is in the "needing space" and you work it out and spend the next few days wondering what is going on. That can be sheer torture.

Also a tip on the method. Dont build up to it. Start with something like " I want to break up" and then go from there... Dont give a whole bunch of reasons or let yourself wander off topic first.

Id back up the points about neutral location and clean break afterwards.

hollis12

_help_ wrote: »

Been going out with my gf for about 3 months...

But it's just not there anymore...I don't feel as I should..kinda came over me at weekend really..she's just not for me..lots of reasons..

So I need to stop this asap, before things go any further..she wont be seeing it coming and I know she's gonna be shocked, upset, heartbroken etc...she's a lovely woman in every way and I don't want to hurt her..

I dont really have the guts to just blurt it out...

Im away with work for a few days tomorrow so was thinking of saying 'I feel crowded and need some space..my few days away will give me just that'...and assuming I feel same way when I return just end it...

Is that fair? Otherwise it will be like a bolt from the blue...

I feel awful :-(

really just be a man and tell her now to spare her feelings dont be cruel about it

LegacyUser

OP again..

Thanks for replies..

Im away with work at the mo but returning tomorrow eve...even difficult replying to her texts these last two days

I know I need to do this but really am at a loss as to how to....I know she has fallen for me big time but it's just not there in return

Would telephone be cowardly?
Meeting could be difficult as she has kids and would be hard to get away from them ...

Miss Fluff

_help_ wrote: »

Would telephone be cowardly?

Yes. Completely spineless.

Gyalist

This post should be made a Sticky.

nesbitt

_help_ wrote: »

OP again..

Thanks for replies..

Im away with work at the mo but returning tomorrow eve...even difficult replying to her texts these last two days

I know I need to do this but really am at a loss as to how to....I know she has fallen for me big time but it's just not there in return

Would telephone be cowardly?
Meeting could be difficult as she has kids and would be hard to get away from them ...

This is totally cowardly. Let the girl know you need to talk to her with out distractions and give her the chance to get a friend to look after the kids for half an hour. The way you handle this break up will have an effect on the other persons confidence and self esteem so be a grown up about this break up and not be so selfish.

Wibbs

_help_ wrote: »

Would telephone be cowardly?

Yes very. You would not be much of a man if you did that. You know it too.

Meeting could be difficult as she has kids and would be hard to get away from them ...

That's an excuse, pure and simple and you know that too. You've said you've been seeing her for 3 months and I'm sure it got intimate at some stage, if not a couple of stages? I presume her kids weren't in the room for that? So if you can find time to meet her and sleep with her, then you can surely find time to break up with her.

Maybe it's not PC to say it, but frankly I don't care, IMHO too many men act like boys; man the fcuk up. For your sake as much as hers too BTW.

ash23

If you wanted to have a day of sex with her you'd find a way of getting her alone without the kids! Don't you DARE break up with her over the phone. All of womankind (well, the women here) will wish a pox on your dangly bits if you do that. Is that a chance you want to take?


Seriously though, you are being a coward and you need to grow a pair and tell her to her face.
Ask to meet her alone, she'll find someone to take the kids.
Or call over some evening when the kids are gone to bed. Don't do it when the kids are around but for the love of God, do it to her face.

LegacyUser

ash23 wrote: »

If you wanted to have a day of sex with her you'd find a way of getting her alone without the kids! Don't you DARE break up with her over the phone. All of womankind (well, the women here) will wish a pox on your dangly bits if you do that. Is that a chance you want to take?

LOL

Well I'm back from my work trip so it's time to 'man up'...gonna call over in the morn when kids are at school and 'do the deed'..dreading it....poor girl..

its been difficult disguising it on fone over last few days..time to end the misery for both of us ...

Wish me (and her..) luck !!

LegacyUser

Done !!

it was awful...I feel awful...not even entirely sure I did the right thing..I do still hugely care for her :-(

Now I'm worried I'll wake up and regret this morning forever :-(
Thanks boards

Wibbs

Well fair play. You did it and you did it face to face. Yes it was awful. It usually is, but as I said fair play, you did it regardless.

Now you will have doubts. That's natural, especially in the cold light of day. This decision didn't come lightly to you. Clearly it didn't as you were afraid to do it. That should tell you that this wasn't a casual whim. So if you have those doubts, fine, but keep those doubts to yourself. You made a decision, you backed it up with action, so stick to it. Don't go wrecking her head if you feel horny/lonely/unsure with calls about "oooo I don't know if I did the right thing". That's lame and hurtful.

My take anyway.