getting my stuff back from my Ex

LegacyUser

Apologies in advance for the long post.

My partner and I split up at the end of May, we were both 37, had been seeing each other for 2 years in what I considered a serious relationship. He had always said that we would get married in the coming year, and I was considered part of his family as he was in mine. In August last year i found out he had been chatting online to a lot of girls. Hundreds in fact - when confronted with it he denied it and only eventually admitted it after a long while. But in fact he does not see it as a big thing, he says he did not cheat on me with any of them, and sees it as innocent flirting. I though otherwise as i felt very hurt by it, but given my love for him decided to stick by him and he asked me to stay and that we would work at the relationship. I stayed but we never worked at the relationship and he never got any help for this internet addiction (his term) or a gambling addiction he has so eventually we split up. he assured me though that he was no longer on the sites.

I was devestated as on one side he is this loving caring man that I love, and on the other is a side that has completely taken control of his life.

Anyway, we kept in contact and had the odd call and bumped into each other the odd time also. All the time I was asking him for my stuff back from his house. At his insistence lots of my stuff was at his house as he asked me to move in the first weekend we were together. For the record I never moved in as I felt it was too soon, but needless to say after 2 years together we practically living together and lots of my things are at his place. Anyway, he promised to box up all my stuff and get it couriered to me. He never did this and we often argued on the phone when I asked for my stuff back.

One weekend in August I called him asked for my stuff back and he promised to get it to me during the week, but while on the phone I casually asked him where he was he told me straight out that he was out with a girl he was seeing. I was hurt to think that after 7 wks apart he started seeing someone else that he met on one of these site. (and no, I know for sure he was not in contact with her while I was around, this is a random new person he flirted online with after me). Anyway I laid down the law that night and told him if he didnt bring in my stuff i would drive out to his place and get it regardless of whether she was there or not. I hate the thought of someone going through my stuff, and prior to this someone in his house had used my femine hygiene products and my hair straightners. (again, at the time he said that I was imagining it). he asked me not to come to his house as he said now that this girls stuff was in the walk-in wardrobe. So after 2 weeks with this girl he had obviously did the same thing with me and asked her to move in....and she jumped at the chance. by his own admission he knew her less than 2 wks and said he didnt know what he was doing - always diving head first into things?????

Anyway, he brought my stuff into me that night and we had a good chat. We left it on friendly terms. He called me every day that week - and then called to say that he hadn't brought all my stuff and that I have a room full of stuff left at his house. He promised me in our last phone call that he would ring me during that week (20th august)and bring it all in to me and that we could even go for dinner. He then called me back straight away to say that he really enjoyed the conversation and that he was glad we could remain friends as i meant the world to him and he missed that.

Anyway - I haven't heard from him since. he never could keep promises, hence why we would always argue. So today I decided to open up the old wound and call him to get my stuff back. I promised myself that i would not carry this into another month and I just want to forget about him and move on, so being the end of September and all I decided to take the bull by the horns. So I called him today //// and he is away for the week. Yes, with her I would think. So now i am all upset again. it is one thing to move on so quickly friom someone u promised to spend the rest of your life with, but it is another to not have the decency to give someone back their stuff despite their constant requests.

Also - how can this girl not care that my stuff is all over his house? Surely she would be telling him to bring it back to me also if she was anyway decent?


What should I do? his phone is off so I have not been in contact with him. I could call one of his sisters and arrange for her to get my stuff - or I could leave him a message saying I was going to go there when his cleaner is there this week. ( i still have a key)....

or i could leave it again and carry it inot another month and another long drawn out saga. i feel very wronged by him - and dont know what to do to end all of this. Any advice appreciated

LegacyUser

What sort of stuff is still left there? Do you really need it? Why would you still have a key to his place five months after you broke up?

It seems like this is the sole reason for you staying in contact with this guy, and that it is being used to some extent by both of you to keep an unhealthy line of contact open. You are right to feel hurt that he has moved on so quickly to be with someone else, but if he is so fickle to be able to do that then perhaps you are better off not having him in your life. Perhaps the other girl has no idea that this stuff belongs to an ex, who knows what he has told her about it - an old tenant, his sister....

Unless these are items you absolutely have to have and can't live without, I would send him his key in the post, cut communication and just let it go.

humanji

If you know a time when he will be back and in the house, then get a friend to go with you and pick up the stuff. As the above poster says, it's an unhealthy link between the two of you. So just get your stuff and be done with him.

lolli

If i were you when he gets back from holidays, i'd give him a call and say i'll be over at x time to get the last of my stuff. Please bring a friend with you.

Its important that you can get closure on this so that you can move on. Its obvious that its hurting you hes with someone so soon so you need him out of your life for good.

I get a feeling that he might be trying to hang on to your stuff so that he has an excuse to contact you if things dont work out with this girl. What kind of man would want his exes stuff still in the house when he has a new girl there.

Try get it sorted asap and try move on.

CDfm

What type of stuff is it and does it have any value. If it is insignificant items that you othertwise wouldnt miss don't worry about it.

It seems to methat its game playing for contact and I wouldnt go there.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies. I agree that it is an unheatlhy link between us, And I am hurt that he moved on so quickly and that he is with this other girl. I know it is selfish of me, but I keep wondering why should he be happy in another relationship after what he did to me. That is not fair of me to think that way I know but I can't help it. I am a very honest, open and loyal person and would never treat anyone the way he treated me. It seems that bad things happen to the nice people. I have had the worst year of my life with so many things happening, all of which are outside of my control.

Anyway I called him today to arrange for my stuff, he turned off his phone to avoid the situation. I am hurt that it has to be like that. A simple call to say he would arrange to have the stuff couriered to me would have made the situation easier.

I have all the usual stuff at his house that you would have if you were living together, make-up, toiletries, a full room of clothes and designer shoes and bags. He gave me my own room there for that stuff which he built wardroobes in for me. I know it is very materialistic of me, but to this that she is wearing my loboutain shoes and using my bags is annoying. And he was the one that said he knows how much my stuff means to me so he was going to pack it nicely and send it back. This is all stuff I worked damn hard to buy, and I want it back.

OS119

Hi OP, much as i sympathise, everything you've tried so far has been about other people doing stuff for you - i certainly wouldn't go to the effort and expense of packing up an ex's stuff and posting it to them: if you (or a mate) wannna come around and collect it that's fine, but he's your ex, he owes you nothing, why should he do the work?

tbh, if you did as you have done, always asking him to do the donkey work for your things and never bothering your arse to do it yourself, i'd put the phone down as well.

write him a letter, give him two weeks notice that you and a friend will be round when you know he'll be there (after work or so) and that you'll return the key and be out of his hair as soon as you've got your stuff. give him an email address/SMS number to confirm the date/time is ok and leave it at that.

talk to your local Gardai station about what to do if he says 'fcuk off' or isn't there at the appointed time. in some cases the Garda will escort you in to the premises to remove your effects whether he's there or not.

CDfm

luucylu wrote: »

I have all the usual stuff at his house that you would have if you were living together, make-up, toiletries, a full room of clothes and designer shoes and bags. He gave me my own room there for that stuff which he built wardroobes in for me. I know it is very materialistic of me, but to this that she is wearing my loboutain shoes and using my bags is annoying. And he was the one that said he knows how much my stuff means to me so he was going to pack it nicely and send it back. This is all stuff I worked damn hard to buy, and I want it back.

I agree with OS119 above.

You split up and he has moved on and, you cant say it was too quick as these things happen.AS regards your call -it is during work hours.

The guards would say this is a domestic/civil matter and will not want to get involved.

What I suggest is that if he is ignoring you that you go to a local solicitor and write to him giving him notice of when you intend to collect your belongings etc and to contact them or you to make arrangements or you will take legal action.

Do it and move on.

Misticles

I had the same problem OP. My ex had lots of clothes and little other things, a box with trinkets from when I was younger-- like communion beads and other stuff.

Also had a dvd of modelling pics worth 500e belonging to me and a dvd of a bungee jump.

I gave everything back that I had belonging to him and got most of my stiff back.

Then a reconciliation was on the horizon or so I thought or so I was lead to believe

Never got that stuff back-- luckily I had the photos backed up on an old laptop.

We dont talk anymore so no hope of me getting it back... but it dosnt bother me now.. he wont get his 500e back :P:P:P

Petty I know! But serves him right

Id make arrangement asap OP to get your designer stuff back otherwise the new gal could be walking off with some of it!

Oh The Humanity

I would advise that you stop asking him to pack it up and courier it over to you. He has no incentive to do that, its jsut an annoying job for him to remember to do....Stop depending on him.

You should drive over there and get the stuff yourself. Its your stuff. Take control of the situation. Find out when he will be there and appear unexpectedly. So he can't avoid you again.

Listen, do not be suprised if the stuff is messed up/missing. You see it on Judge Judy all the time. Also you mentioned his new bird is wearing the shoes and using the handbags. How do you know they haven't put the stuff on e-bay?

Finally, don't be tearing yourself apart that he moved another one in so quick after yourself As you said he tried to move you in a week or two after you met, so thats his style.

A lot of the things that people assume are personal are often a persons personal style (stuff they routinely do in all of their romances) to the extent that some people will call all their partners the same pet name etc.

Just bite the bullet and go over when you are sure he is there and get as much of the stuff as is left. I would be prepared for the fact he might have given some of it away or 'lost' and/or damaged some/all of it.

I hope not but the fact that he is avoiding you somewhat could indicate that.

daisybelle2008

I would be inclined to forget the material stuff. It is more hassle then it is worth and sounds like he is enjoying tying you in knots chasing it down.
Not sure why you are so upset and dissappointed by his behaviour as it seems like he was always letting you down and not following through on promises and jumps into relationships very quickly. That would send massive warning bells. He didn't bother getting to know you before he asked you to move in and did the same with this girl, not sure what kind of foundation that is but I would not believe he truly ever properly knew or loved you or is even capable of that kind of intimacy so don't be blaming yourself and being so hard on yourself, you are well out of it. Someone elses problem now...

Dinxminx

You say that he has a gambling addiction. Are you sure he hasn't sold your designer shoes and handbags to fund this? I'm just suggesting this as it seems a bit odd to stretch out this issue for so long...

LegacyUser

Hi OS119 - This hasn't been about me trying to get other people to do anything for me.

As I said, I asked to come to his house and collect my stuff, and he asked me not to as his girlfriend was there. I would not infringe on this as much and all as I am hurt I would not wish him or his new relationship any bad.

HE offered to courier the stuff to me, he uses a courier company for his work anyway and there would be no problem with the expense of it- either of us could pay for that. It is not as you say about me 'always asking him to do the donkey work for your things and never bothering your arse to do it yourself'. In fact it would have been the cleaner who would be doing the job of packing it up anyway. I washed and ironed his stuff and gave it to him, I didnt expect him to do that but I do expect him to pack my belongings and let me either arrange to collect them or him get them back to me. I already called to his house for this stuff twice, but both times we ended up chatting and having dinner and then when we looked at the amount of stuff he said it was easier to courier it. I also have a broken arm so it's not exactly idea for me to life this stuff.

Anyway - this post was about me being annoyed that someone I spent 2 years of my life with dragging his heals about giving me back my stuff. It's about the expectation that if you treat people well yourself then you expect to be treated in a similar manner yourself. Do onto others and all that....


And my stuff isn't sold on ebay!

Regardless, he did call me today and so I expect to get my stuff back when he gets back from holidays.

Oh The Humanity

Luucylu wrote: »

It's about the expectation that if you treat people well yourself then you expect to be treated in a similar manner yourself. Do onto others and all that....

Thats the way it should work, but honestly, people aren't that noble. That sort of expectation might lead to a lot of dissappointment in life. Its unrealistic.

So you went over there twice to get it and ended up having dinner and chatting and not bothering getting the stuff?

I don't really get how you can expect him to 'own' this task of giving you back your stuff. You dont seem bothered about it?

I'm not getting this.

martdalto

I too have to say that you both seem to be drawing this out for whatever your reasons.

You went to his house TWICE to collect it and didn't bother bringing it with you.

You then get repeatedly annoyed because he "doesn't bother" to pack it up and send it on. If it was too much trouble for you (or both of you) to do it TWICE, why should it be easier for him to do it on his own?

Stop making excuses.

Stop prolonging this.

Give him a date/time that you will be over to collect the stuff. It's up to him and his girlfriend whether she will be there or not, she can go somewhere for an hour (or however long it takes to throw a few shoes and handbags into a box) and then you can be gone and end all contact.

I think there's more to this than just "can't get my stuff back".

And to be honest, I think at your ages you need to stop being childish about it and just get on with it. You relationship is over, he's with someone else, you both need to move on from each other now and stop all contact.