Perserverence

LegacyUser

Having read a few threads here recently I decided i;d post a question, so here goes
It seems that alot of the advice here seems to say walk away if things aren't plain sailing at the start of relationship.

I personally been chasing a girl for a while now, I won't go into details, but having taking the advice of a couple of friends, and watched similar situations among my social circle throughout the years it seems that alot of the relationships that have "worked" involved a prolonged "chase" in which the guy despite a few knock backs didn't give up, kept perservering and in the end got the girl.

Now i've had this convo with two mates, both in long term and very happy relationships and they both say to keep up the "pressure" and you'll get there in the end if thats what you want.

I just wonder, because of the advice given by some of the obviously experienced members here should i keep perservering or am I setting myself up for a fall.

Basic backround is girl is unsure, says she likes me and has feeelings but has been hurt in the past and doesn't want to be again, wants to just see what happens, I ve seen a couple of similar situations and the consensus seems to be walk away, thing is i don't want to, i think she could be worth the wait as such but at the same time I thnk im falling for her a little and really don't want to set myself up for a fall.

Any wise words?

dudara

She doesn't appear to be knocking you straight back - she does appear to be open to futher pursuit.

FYI - a friend of mine fell for a girl, persevered, won her over and now they're getting married in October.

Love is worth chasing - just don't make a fool of yourself. There's a fine line between the two

LegacyUser

Hi OP, I'm in the same boat as you. Been meeting a guy for over a month, really have feelings for him, but he's been hurt really badly in the past. TBH my head is wrecked over it all, and everyone is telling me to walk away, but I can't and I don't want to. Not yet anyway. I want to give him time and a chance. Some people have guards up that take time to get through and show that you can be trusted. Hope it all works out for you!

sunnyside

You said the girl is unsure so in a situation like that it could well be worth sticking around but if she genuienly isn't interested no amount of perservence will get you anywhere.

dazberry

OP, it sounds like she's hedging her bets.

A friend of a friend (FOF) was cracked into guy 1, but tbh he really wasn't all that interested and strung her along a bit AFAICS. Guy 2 was the backup guy and quite often would be left twiddling his thumbs while FOF was running after guy 1. After 4 or 5 years of this, guy 1 moved himself off the scene, and guy 2 fills the void. Even at that it was touch and go for a while, but finally guy 2's persistance paid off (and being mid-30s I think helped too), and they are now married.

By all means date her (non-exclusively), and for a fixed time. If things still seem to be in the same holding pattern in say 6 months time and IF you want to move forward and she doesn't - I'd be seriously considering pulling the big red eject button!

Best of luck

D.

LegacyUser

Ok, I don't want to wreck your buzz OP. But.... are you and her dating or are you 'friendzone'?

Two points of view here:

I was once chased by a guy for two years. I'm ashamed to say that I accepted his compliments, regular emails, fantastic home cooked meals, knowing well that I wasn't into him and never really would be. Eventually I came clean to him about it. Although this isn't my case, sometimes a girl will say she's been hurt (and she probably has, we all have, you know...) rather than tell you straight. Anyway... thats friendzone.

Datingzone/occasional snog/even fb's... thats a different story. If you are already at that level but she is dragging her heals then that could be a genuine case of commitment phobia/fear of being hurt & in that case you have a chance.

So, by all means, do what you can to make her feel safe and supported by you, that can work miracles with us chicks.
But if you're in friendzone, don't let any other great girls pass you by either.

Hope it works out as you sound like a catch! xx

G-Money

Like someone else said, there's a fine line between persuing and wasting your time. Some girls may be hurt and may need some time. Others just love the ego boost of stringing guys along and having them dance to their tune. It goes without saying that if she's the latter, move on instantly. You'll never get anywhere and sooner or later (usually sooner) she'll be telling you about some guy she met.

I know myself I was in a situation where there was a girl I liked and she was saying she couldn't have a serious relationship, but her actions spoke otherwise. In the end I regretted letting it drag on as long as it did and wished I'd never got to know her in the first place. It was partly my own fault as she'd said she wasn't looking for a bf but I sort of figured she'd eventually change her mind.

Looking back now, it's obvious she never really liked me that much or as much as she said she did, otherwise it wouldn't have worked out the way it did. It's sort of taught me not to waste my time and ignore warning signs when I see them.

Recently enough I started chatting to a girl online and stupidly I could feel myself starting to like her and would be hoping she wouldn't meet some other guy. Eventually one night she said something like "I want to talk to you about my weekend" and it was like deja vu all over again. I knew that meant that she met some guy etc. I think at this point she hadn't really placed me in the friend zone and there seemed to be interest there, but for me it was like groundhog day. The way things worked out before has left me very hesitant to get close to a girl until I know she's not going to start talking to me about some guy she met. However that's only really likely once I become exclusive with someone.

By all means give her some time. But don't do so if she's eventually going to decide she wants to feck off with someone else.

LegacyUser

Ok, well it's encouraging to hear that people do think that it sometimes its worth persisting.
Can't really figure her out to be honest, thus spending time reading threads here and trying to find people in similar situations.

Long and the short is that it was fine for first month or so, slow going but I was fine with that, she then seemed to pull back completley, leading me to almost throw in the towel, but i do really like her, so kept the oar in so to speak,

In the last month or so things have seemed to get back on track somewhat. but we'll see i suppose. She is a hard one to figure out, and she has been hurt in the past (and not that long ago).

In regard to the friendzone thing, this is something i have "fallen" into before, so I was wary of doing so here, this is definatley not what i want out of this. With the feelings I have for her seeing her meet someone else would just not be pleasent for me so I will do all I can to avoid this.

Whether its a case of her stringing me along for the attention, I can't be sure, altough I don't think this is the case, as looking back when things started to get "going" at the start and she got "cold feet" or whatever she did pull back completly, I mean if she was in it just for the attention I think she may have played it a different way, I can't really be sure though.

I think I;ll keep trying for another while, and see what pans out, I really hope it works out cos I have a really high regard for her and she does say she as feelings for me too,

I am wary of getting hurt here but faint heart never won etc. etc.

Thanks for the advice!!