Advice Needed

Viperbot

Hi all,
In a bit of a bind here. I left my fiancee after 13 years together. We got together when I was 14 and she was 16. We have a 5 year old son together. I moved into an apartment about 10 mins from her house so I could be close to the little fella, bottom line, we still see a lot of each other. Lately I have been thinking that mabey I have made a big mistake and I do miss her. She says she would happily take me back and I agreed if she stopped txting this guy she met while we were apart. She told me she hadnt spoken to him in a week and normally I would believe her as she has never lied or ripped me off but something told me she wasnt being truthfull so I did a little digging and suprise suprise, they are still flirting. I know this is my mess, but she used to freak when i lied and now she is blatantly doing it to my face. So, should I just back off and let this ship sail, or try to fix this mess?

shellyboo

Why did you leave in the first place? Does that reason still exist?

eviltwin

So you dont want her but you dont want anyone else to have her either.... Thats what it sounds like anyway.

If you both feel its worth another shot then great esp since there is a child involved but I think its funny you are suddenly feeling this way now after you've discovered there is another potential man on the scene

Maybe you should ask yourself why you really want to try again before saying anything to her and maybe hurting her, and your son, more in the future

Viperbot

To be honest, I wasnt happy in the relationship, but I was too much of a coward to do anything about it for a long time. I lied to her and I ripped her off. Lately Ive come to realise what an idiot I was, and there is the issue of my kid who is not taking this very well at all. If I was to get back with her I would def be committed but if she can lie to my face about this, she can lie about anything.

ash23

You dumped her after 13 years together and you are laying down terms and conditions about what SHE has to do before you will take her back???

Rethink that one. YOU have to earn HER trust back. I don't blame her for keeping her options open if you are himming and hawing about whether or not to go back to her. You were together for 13 years and you have a child with her. How can you not know if you want to be with her or not? It's not like you don't know her at this stage.

And have you both adressed the reasons you split in the first place? Or is it just that the reality of single life isn't all it cracked up to be?

The main thing you HAVE to consider is your son. I am sure the split was very upsetting for him (my daughter was the same age as your son when I split with my partner). Your son doesn't need to have the elation of daddy coming back and then have it all fall assunder again on him.
If you are serious about getting back with her then you both need to take it a bit more seriously for your sons sake. Stay in your apartment and take it slow. Start dating again, go to counselling to resolve the issues that caused the split in the first place. Don't even let your son get a whiff of the two of you getting back together unless you are both totally sure about it.

This girl is keeping this other guy on the backburner. It is likely that she wants you and loves you but doesn't believe that you will get back together and therefore is keeping this other guy as plan B.

If you think that this is the woman you want to spend your life with then you need to sort this out one way or the other.

eviltwin

Viper do your son a favour and have a talk to your other half about how you feel. If she wants to try again get counselling first. Its horrible on your son for mum and dad to be apart but much worse if you get back together and the same stuff happens again.

If its the right relationship for you both its worth investing the time in it to be sure

ash23

Viperbot wrote: »

To be honest, I wasnt happy in the relationship, but I was too much of a coward to do anything about it for a long time. I lied to her and I ripped her off. Lately Ive come to realise what an idiot I was, and there is the issue of my kid who is not taking this very well at all. If I was to get back with her I would def be committed but if she can lie to my face about this, she can lie about anything.

You lied to her in the past and "ripped her off". If she can learn to trust you and you expect that she can and will, then don't you need to be able to give her the same courtesy?

shellyboo

Viperbot wrote: »

If I was to get back with her I would def be committed but if she can lie to my face about this, she can lie about anything.

Well now you have a little taste of how it feels to be her, don't you?

Honestly, it sounds like a car crash of a relationship. If you weren't happy, what makes you think you will be now? What makes you a better person now than you were before? What's changed? Nothing. Leave it, move one. You're only 27, there's plenty of time for you to find someone else and be happy.

Viperbot

Yeah, I sure do know how it feels now and Im disgusted at myself for doing it. I was thinking about trying to sort thing out before this other guy came along, and then I think that made me make up my mind to act, but mabey Im doing this for all the wrong reasons, but I still cant shake the feelings I have for her. I totally deserve to be on the short end here so think I should start to distance myself and try to get over it. My own selfish needs and wants got me into this mess, so i guess I should man up and deal with it. Thanks for all the insights guys...much appreciated.