Back to my depressive state of mind and terrifed

LegacyUser

I'm a 21 year old female, just graduated from college and currently doing a Masters. Sorry for the length of the post, as with many personal issues its hard to cut short. For many years I suffered from what was eventually diagnosed as clinical depression. I went on anti-depressants in 2006 after I admitted to years of minor self harm. I nearly dropped out of college but decided to soldier through and it was a good decision. I went off the meds after a year and a half, and although there were hard times and I did go through a sort of withdrawal, I had a supportive family and I did manage to move on.

Lately though, probably due to the major changes I have gone through lately, my state of mind is not too good. Most of my friends have moved on to professional jobs, whereas I have chosen a career path which is very difficult. The reason I am doing this Masters is because there are almost no job prospects for me at the moment.

I have been single for 2 years, and this was mostly fine, but then in the last year of my degree I met a guy who I really clicked with. We were a couple and I saw good potential for a lasting relationship, but after a few months he started to freak out, revealed himself as having major commitment issues, and cheated on me so it ended. It was far from a clean break and even now several months later I find that I can't help but keep in contact with him, just texts and e-mails but I manage to torture myself into hoping he still feels something for me since I still have feelings for him. But I am aware it won't ever come to anything so I try to forget him.

I have been told I am attractive and that I seem interesting to talk to. In a way this makes things worse as guys have told me I can be intimidating and they often assume I have my pick of guys so they don't seem to realise I like them as much as I do. I don't tend to get talking to strange guys, preferring to meet them through mutual friends, etc. This has backfired in the past year as the only 2 guys I met who I felt had potential turned out to be linked (just as acquaintances, nothing close) to the guy I mentioned earlier, to an extent where it was too messy and weird to continue seeing them. There is no such thing as a fresh start in a college social scene! These guys tend to be attracted to me, want to kiss me, text me, but ultimately they go off with another girl soon after anyway.

I am so sick of being single. I'm lonely. I have no idea how to go about forming a career for myself. My degree is not one that you can go straight into a job from, it requires a traineeship which is almost impossible to obtain at the moment. I don't want to be stuck in limbo again next year. I do have a good circle of friends who I see at the weekend, as well as a few less close friends who are back in college with me, but I still feel very introverted and alone. I get very anti social at times and just hide away.

These feel like problems everyone does go through. I thought I could get over it and go on. But on Saturday night I found myself self-harming for the first time in about 3 and a half years. I had some drink on me at the time, not much, and I woke up Sunday so disappointed in myself. I don't want to upset my parents by telling them. The GP who diagnosed and treated me in 2006 was so supportive and helpful, but she sadly passed away this year. I don't want to go to my local GP as he suffers from typical small town mentality, meaning the whole confidentiality concept is taken with a grain of salt. My college GP was not helpful in 2006. Counselling really didn't help last time as I find it hard to articulate why I feel so bad, it goes back to childhood.

Did anyone out there feel like this at any point? I feel like I put up such a front that no-one realises how lonely and unloveable I feel. I'm battling not to be so self-pitying but to be honest I'm not doing well. Any supportive points of view would be great. Thanks for listening.

LegacyUser

Get a GP. Even out of the phonebook get a GP. Family support is so important. Tell someone.
I was on meds for 6 year then decided to come off them and have been through hell for about 6 weeks before I decided to go back on them. Back on the meds for 4 weeks now but still not better yet. Im trying all sorts of things to get better and its very hard. I regret coming off the medication. I think Ive learned that in this period in my life it has an important preventative benefit.

LegacyUser

OP, you poor baby, you are having a tough time of it.

Looks like your problem is threefold:

A. Guys & loneliness. First off, do not be worried about who in your social/college circle is connected to who. You're 21, you're allowed move in and out of relationships at will, or to date anyone you want. Simply get on with living your own life and racking up experiences. Also, there is a trap that we often fall into when we're single, which is thinking we're going be single forever. Now imagine, you are going to meet a fanatstic guy who's nuts about you on say... 11th March 2011. How would you fill the next year and a half? Having as much fun as possible, right?

B. College/masters/jobs etc. Again, there is no point in worrying right now about what happens after you've got through this masters. If you are settled in a career by 30 you are still well ahead of the game. You might find that you end up working in a job you don't want next year, but meeting a circle of friends who are yours for life. There is no point worrying about what you don't know. You may travel. You could get a TEFL job that takes you around the world, so that when do start your career you will have much more to bring to it.

C. Depression. Which actually covers the other areas also because if you were feeling stronger you wouldn't be so worried about everything. I've had my spells of depression as well. I chose not to do anti-depressants but that is an absolutely personal choice because everybody's depression is different. Go to any GP, they see depressed people every day of the week, my GP told me he even prescribes himself the anti-depressants from time to time as needed. Your confidentiality WILL be respected by any of them. Remember you could well be the fifth person with depression they see on any given day.
For me, part of handling depression has be working on the mind-body connection: I pack myself full of fruit and veg and oily fish, because I'm prone to not eating if I feel depressed. Exercise also boosts serotonin. Also you need to start working on Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (look it up), its about taking a step back, recognising that negative thoughts are just negative thoughts. They are not the reality. and of course, try counselling.

In a way, maybe you are lucky that you have a chance to deal with depression when you so young because now you 'know thyne enemy'.

You're going to get through this. Try to give yourself a break a few times a day. Say e.g. 'I'm not going to worry from 6-8pm,' just take a little break and then tell yourself you can then take the weight of the world back on your shoulders. You know yourself, day by day it gets a little easier and then you're better again.

reesa

As someone who has suffered severe bouts of depression for many years (lots of taking meds, coming off meds, thinking i could stay off anti-depressants, getting severely depressed again - rinse and repeat a few more times) I can honestly say i wouldn't be here unless it was for the medication.

It's sounds to me like you have had a relapse triggered by stress (exactly my case also) - you may need to consider taking meds long-term while exploring other methods of handling the problem.
In my case I know it's an underlying biochemical problem that will not go way.
But do call a GP and get him/her to refer you to a psychiatrist (do not faff around with GP's when it comes to issues like this).

LegacyUser

Hi OP, Just reading through your post, it struck me that you sound way older. I find it hard to believe you're only twenty one! Have you always been this mature? Did you have to take on a lot of responsibilities at a young age? Is it possible that you've never had the opportunity to let your hair down and enjoy yourself?
You wouldn't disappoint your parents if you told them you self-harmed. However if they found out this was going on and you didn't tell them, you can bet they'd be pretty hurt. You're their daughter, they want to make sure that you're getting through ok. It's no sin to be unsure about your job, or men, or your degree. It's all a part of life. However, if this uncertainty is spilling over into you harming yourself, you have to talk to someone about it, be it with your GP/friends/parents.