Cheating

LegacyUser

One of my friends got off with a girl over the weekend. He has a long term girlfriend who we all know and are mates with, so it's going to be really awkward when we see her. I'm not intending on telling her, but the thing is, he was really really drunk. The next day he didnt even mention it. My question is should i tell him?? I think he may not remember because his otherhalf rang him and he was chatting away fine and doeant seem at all bothered. Or is this just interfering

grizzly

Sure, if you're a good friend I'd mention it in a relaxed way to him. If he doesn't remember anything he should cut back on the drink.

Colonel_McCoy

I would mention it to him but say NOTHING to his girlfriend. Is up to him if he wants to tell her.

eviltwin

Maybe he's forgotten, maybe he doesnt think its that big a deal that it needs mentioning

Just dont tell the girlfriend, its always the messenger who gets shot.

MizzLolly

Hmm.. I'd say the above posters are all guys

You should definitely say it to him. Just ask him straight out if he mentioned to his girlfriend yet what he did the other night, that way you've not really giving him the option of saying he can't remember. If you ask, ''don't you remember what you did?'' it's an easy way out for him to say no. Chances are he does remember and chances are that his girlfriend will find out given that your post suggests that he wasn't very discreet about it. Given that you're also friends with his girlfriend, you kinda owe it to her to at least point out to the guy that he did something wrong.

And how on earth the above poster reckons that he doesn't think it's a big deal is beyond me. If this is the case (which I hope it isn't and I really hope most men don't actually take this attitude) then your friend is a jerk and the girl deserves to know the truth.

Start off by speaking to him about it first anyway.

CDfm

I wouldn't go out and tell but also would not lie on his behalf if asked by the girlfriend.

shellyboo

Stay right out of it unless someone approaches you. Don't get involved, but similarly, don't lie if questioned. You didn't do anything wrong, it's none of your business what this guy did until someone asks you what happened.

I totally think the guy should tell his gf, but as a third party, getting involved is a really bad idea.

LegacyUser

Stay well clear. For all you know he absolutely hates himself for what he's done. Or maybe not.

Eitherway, none of your business.

Xterminator

MizzLolly wrote: »

Hmm.. I'd say the above posters are all guys

You should definitely say it to him. Just ask him straight out if he mentioned to his girlfriend yet what he did the other night, that way you've not really giving him the option of saying he can't remember. If you ask, ''don't you remember what you did?'' it's an easy way out for him to say no. Chances are he does remember and chances are that his girlfriend will find out given that your post suggests that he wasn't very discreet about it. Given that you're also friends with his girlfriend, you kinda owe it to her to at least point out to the guy that he did something wrong.

And how on earth the above poster reckons that he doesn't think it's a big deal is beyond me. If this is the case (which I hope it isn't and I really hope most men don't actually take this attitude) then your friend is a jerk and the girl deserves to know the truth.

Start off by speaking to him about it first anyway.

right .... just to clarify this.

his mate got drunk and kissed a girl. He didn't have an affair, or go drink driving etc etc.

And you think that warrants him risking their friendship, going on a moral crusade, because of a drunken kiss?

sorry, thats just plan daft advice in my opinion.

If it were me, I'd mention it in passing, hey do you remember kissing that girl ... and leave it to his own conscience from there.

wylo

OP, Ive been in that same situation, saw a good friend cheating on his girlfriend, but me being friends with the GF too.

My advice, if your only friends with her through him then just leave it, I bet you he remembers, if not , as someone else said hes drinking too much. I dont mean to say that in a preachy way cause everyone forgets things while drunk, thats fair enough. But people rarely forget kissing someone imo.

But, if he does it again, call him on it.

On the other hand if you know her well and its not through him then you might have to consider getting involved. She is your mate and you do have to look out for her.

Remember though you lose out on a friend if you say anything to her.

To the girl that said "I bet your all guys". Theres more to it than just not bother saying it to someone.
By getting involved your taking responsibility for other peoples emotions and your potentially putting yourself on the line for someone that you might easily lose touch with at a later stage. Sometimes you've to prioritize your friends in situations like this.

Do you say nothing and keep a very good friend?
Or do you do say something, lose a very good friend AND probably lose another friend(her leaving after finding out).

Id go for the first option

MizzLolly

Xterminator wrote: »

right .... just to clarify this.

his mate got drunk and kissed a girl. He didn't have an affair, or go drink driving etc etc.

And you think that warrants him risking their friendship, going on a moral crusade, because of a drunken kiss?

sorry, thats just plan daft advice in my opinion.

If it were me, I'd mention it in passing, hey do you remember kissing that girl ... and leave it to his own conscience from there.

I doubt his girlfriend would find it 'daft'. :rolleyes:

daiixi

MizzLolly wrote: »

I doubt his girlfriend would find it 'daft'. :rolleyes:

Maybe they have an understanding and don't need the OP to butt in to their personal business?

MizzLolly

daiixi wrote: »

Maybe they have an understanding and don't need the OP to butt in to their personal business?

..and maybe they don't. None of us here know that. The fact that the OP titled this very thread as 'Cheating' indicates pretty clearly that, as a friend, he doesn't think the girlfriend will find this acceptable.

I don't care either way if he tells or not, makes no odds to me but there's no way in hell will I stay quite if I see anyone here trying to make it sound like it's ok. Kissing another person, drunk or not, is not an okay thing to do. (unless, like you suggest, they have an agreement)

The OP asked for advice and I gave him mine.

anonymous_joe

One of my mate's cheats on his girlfriend fairly regularly, (scoring other girls, not riding the funk out of randomers) and I've always told him it's his business, but I recommended he break it off with her. Wouldn't ever do anymore than that though, because he's my mate, and she's nothing to me. I mean, I wouldn't cheat, and when going out with someone, I've turned down the opportunities, but plenty won't. If the truth will do more damage than a lie, I'd suggest the lie...

Harsh, I'll accept, but that's just my take on it...

Overheal

was this vegas? no.

meaning someone else saw him. not to mention the other girl. so if he doesnt honestly remember, he needs to be reminded, before he hears about it from a complete stranger.

LegacyUser

He knows what he did,maybe drunk at the time but he knows, but to tell the truth if I was in his shoes and one of my mates said something to me I would be shocked,it is none of their business full stop end off,
Don't insult him by saying it to him,

username123

careful wrote: »

He knows what he did,maybe drunk at the time but he knows, but to tell the truth if I was in his shoes and one of my mates said something to me I would be shocked,it is none of their business full stop end off,
Don't insult him by saying it to him,

The guy made it other peoples business by doing it in front of other people. Now he has put people (his own friends, the OP) in a position of either being accessories to his deception by not saying anything, or being disloyal friends by telling the girlfriend.

There is no easy answer. Personally I would say it to the guy that you saw what he did, and youre not impressed because it makes you uncomfortable to be lying by omission to his GF. Its pretty disrespectful of this guy to openly cheat on his GF, disrespectful to his GF and also disrespectful to his friends who now feel bad about knowing that he did it.

The GF would be better off without him anyway so itd be better if she knew, but itd be better coming from one of her own friends than one of her BFs friends.

CDfm

username123 wrote: »

The guy made it other peoples business by doing it in front of other people. Now he has put people (his own friends, the OP) in a position of either being accessories to his deception by not saying anything, or being disloyal friends by telling the girlfriend.

+1

You know something -you're right. I would be hugely embarrassed if this happened to me with a close friend.

kryogen

In my opinion, you have to talk to him about it, has he done anything like this before? if this is just a one off kind of thing, a drunken mistake thats unlikely to happen again then there really isnt anything for you to do.... its his business whether he will tel his girlfriend or let it rest on his consionce.

At the end of the day he is your mate and your not gonna sell him out even if it is probably the morally right thing to do. i have this problem with a mate of mine but other then tell him he is acting like a tool and if he isnt happy with his missus then he should give her the respect of ending the relationship instead of making a fool out of her i stay out of it

on the other hand, if this is a regular occurance (which i doubt) then tell him hes an idiot for doing it in the first place, and worse for doing it in public as it will eventually get back to the other half even if none of his mates mention it.... things have a habit of coming out in the end and if you feel strongly enough about it let him know that you will not be lying for him if your asked directly.... just be prepared to lose a friend over it!