cant get over his ex

LegacyUser

my boyfriend of 8 months has a little girl with his ex girlfriend. so naturally she is always around he sees her 4 days a week, more than i get to see him because of work shifts. anyway im very jealous of her and the fact that they were together for 5 years and were engaged and had a little girl together. he owns a holiday home in France and bought us tickets to go over for the week last thursday but the thing is they use to spend alot of time over there in that house and i couldnt face going with him, so i lied and said i couldnt get time off work. anyway he found out the real reason last night and was furious with me he said it was never there house it was his and that he wanted to share it with me.

everytime we do something together lately i get so jealous of the fact that he has already done everything with her and nothing we do is new to him. (this is my first proper relationship also) i feel so insecure in the relationship and am constantly comparing myself to her ( doesn't help she is a 6ft blonde stunner and im a stumpy little plain country girl)

the question is should i break up with him over my insecurities as i don't think i can ever get passed them or am i being immature and stupid?? were both in our early 30's by the way!

G-Money

I know you say this is your first real relationship but I'm going to assume you haven't been living life as a nun and as a result you've been with other guys. If that's the case, how would you feel if he started getting jealous of stuff you've done with guys before you two even met?

You seem to have hit the nail on the head saying you are insecure and jealous but to be honest, I don't think this guy has done anything wrong. He was with someone, they were engaged, they had a child, but it didn't work out. So now he's on good terms with the mother and being a father to his child. To be honest that's exactly what he should be doing and he should be commended for doing so.

He sounds like a good guy and isn't that what you want? You need to look at why you are insecure. I know you have said his ex is a 6ft blonde stunner but you seem to be forgetting she's his ex. He's not with her anymore. They've been there, done that and realised it doesn't work.

You've described yourself as a "stumpy little plain country girl". I'm sure he wouldn't be going out with you if he doesn't like you and isn't attracted to you. But if you are unhappy with your appearance, why not change it? There is so much stuff out there girls can do to make themselves look and feel more attractive. So if you aren't happy with how you look, change it.

I think most people find a little jealousy a big turn on. Too much though and it's a huge No no.

You need to accept the fact that this woman will be part of his life as she's the mother of his child. If you can't accept that then you probably need to move on. From what you have said, he's being the perfect father and seems to be treating you well and I'm not sure what more he can do.

The Sweeper

He's not doing anything wrong.

Look, I'm going to cut straight to the chase here, however blunt it may be: the jealousy, the insecurity, the paranoia, the comparisons - these are ALL your problems.

Get over them, or you'll sabotage this relationship.

Wibbs

+1. Life and relationships are difficult enough. So why create a difficulty for yourself before anything happens and where there's nothing going on? Makes no sense if you think about it(unless you want to feel like this and that's another days work). Plus acting this insecure around him could very well have the effect of him thinking "what am I doing here?'. Constant insecurity is a very unattractive feature in a person and its very wearing on the partner involved and on the relationship itself. As the Sweeper said it's your problem not his and its resolution is in your hands too.

metrovelvet

I think people here are right but also hard on you. Yes insecurity can do its own damage but it takes an awful lot of confidence to be with someone with that history, more confidence and maturity that can be expected of most people.

kjl

your only hurting yourself, everybody get these mad feeling from time to time, but you have to keep yourself in check.

Darthhoob

he wants YOU, he is with YOU, and he was right when he said he owns the house and wants to share it with YOU. it's natural to be a little bit jealous but it seems your pushing him away because of yours.
he seems like a brilliant bloke to me, able to get on with his ex enough to be a great dad.....seeing her most of the week. ofc he will always have to see his ex and his daughter...but she is his EX, no matter what she looks like it obviously didn't work for them...and it seems he wants it to work with you.

i think you may need to work on your self esteem, i am sure he doesn't think of you as a stumpy plain country girl....us women are usually our own worst critics

Wibbs

Darthhoob wrote: »

i think you may need to work on your self esteem, i am sure he doesn't think of you as a stumpy plain country girl....us women are usually our own worst critics

+1000. OK lets go mad here and agree that you're a "stumpy plain country girls"(which I doubt BTW). Maybe he likes "stumpy plain country girls" as you put it. I've a mate who likes big women and considers anyone below size 14 as anorexic. A tall willowy blonde would put him right off. In any case it boils down to this; he likes you, he's with you, he doesn't like/not attracted to the ex buy comparison, hence he's not with her and she's an ex.

How Strange

jealous wrote: »

the question is should i break up with him over my insecurities as i don't think i can ever get passed them or am i being immature and stupid?? were both in our early 30's by the way!

IMO, you are being stupid and immature; you're in your 30's so chances are that most single people in 30's will have baggage and a past. Secondly, yes you should break up with him if you can't passed it.

He sounds like a good guy and you should be proud of him and how involved he is with his daughter and he's mature enough to have a good relationship with his ex. They're good indicators of his character.

Your problem is your own self esteem. Bottom line. But this guy definitely doesn't deserve an insecure girlfriend giving him grief about his personal life.
Not going to France was childish and selfish. If you had concerns why didn't you just talk to him about them?

Have a good hard think about it but remember that decent, single guys in their 30's are thin on the ground. The next one you meet will also have a past, just as you do.

AMK

He's with you, not her. This insecurity is in yourself and you hadn't got his ex to fret about you would find something else.

In time this will become a real turn-off which would be a shame because he sounds like a caring, responsible guy. There's loads of advice and help out there on self-esteem issues so it might be an idea to avail of some of it.