I just want to go "home"... very scared

LegacyUser

I was away during the summer and to say the least my job was stressful. There were a few nights where I was awake all night afraid to sleep out of fear for my life (and quite legitimately so) but the job was very enjoyable and very rewarding - it wasn't like those nights on the whole. It was in a way a communal living situation and for three whole months I literally was never alone and didn't have a moment really just to myself without needing to do something else - not that I minded, everyone else there was fantastic and lovely and I get on great with them and some of them will be friends for life.

But I'm home now and I just can't deal with it. I'm lonely, I hate myself and my life, I can't motivate myself to do anything, I hate, repeat, HATE, the people in my class in college and I just want to die or something. I've been feeling really really dangerous lately, like I want to go and do something extremely dangerous just for a rush. I've no real friends here and I just don't know what to do. My head is everywhere. I don't give a **** about ANYTHING anymore and I just want to GO AWAY HOME if that makes any sense. I've too much energy even when I exercise yet I have NO ENERGY at all. I want to punch something and I'm full of this nervous violent BAD energy that I can't get rid of even if I run until I throw up.

I don't want to see a councillor as I'm not the type that even CAN talk to other people about my feelings so it would be a complete waste of my time to do that so please don't just suggest that. Can people please give me some practical ideas as to how to make myself feel like I'm at home again. Home doesn't feel RIGHT.

username123

nervy/violent wrote: »

I don't want to see a councillor as I'm not the type that even CAN talk to other people about my feelings so it would be a complete waste of my time to do that so please don't just suggest that. Can people please give me some practical ideas as to how to make myself feel like I'm at home again. Home doesn't feel RIGHT.

If you dont want to hear the advice that will actually help you then there is very little I can think to advise.
If your mind is getting away from you and you are having bad thoughts the only answer is to go and talk to someone about it and work it through. You wont achieve any change by bottling it up and whats more you might make things worse for yourself.
Sometimes we have to do things we dont like doing to help ourselves, a dogmatic attitude wont help you, discussing how you feel with a professional will.

Victor

While counselling might be an option that you don't like, at least go see your GP.

Finding a balance between exercise, eating, etc. might be useful.

Are you taking medcation or engaged in substance use - including alcohol?

LegacyUser

I don't drink, don't smoke, don't do drugs. I'm physically active and eat a well balanced diet.

The reason I don't want to do councilling is it does NOT work for me. I've tried i before and even the therapist admitted it didn't seem to be doing much for me. Generally I cope by recognising the problem, finding a practical solution and moving on...


I just need to feel like I'm at home again. I haven't felt like me since coming home whereas I did while I was away. Going away again is not an option... I was just hoping some people would have experience with this sorta thing. Like as in, going away and being in a surreal, controlled, no privacy and high stress environment and then trying to come home and act like normal. Like, how is it normally done!?!

CDfm

OP - just from ready your post you are wired to high doh. I just wonder if you don't want to go to a councelor so why don't you try a GP -does your college have a medical centre. The reason being that you need to settle down and get on with college and these feelings are odd.

The Sweeper

What sort of job were you doing that you were literally in fear for your life? What sort of living situation did you have, and in what country, that you didn't have time to yourself? Were you off doing a tour of duty as a freelance 'security personnel' member in a war zone or something?

I ask because the feelings you describe may be perfectly normal depending on what sort of high-stress, high-danger situation you were living in and the sort of daily working activities you were expected to undertake.

Also, depending on what you were up to, you may well be in danger of self harm or putting other people in harm's way if you act out on problems you are internalising.

LegacyUser

Without saying too much, I was working and living with troubled teens at risk of institutionalisation (jail or a mental health facility), many of whom were/are suicidal and very very violent, hence being afraid to sleep some nights when the worst of them were angry at something I or a coworker said to them (as benign as "please put your dirty clothes in your laundry bag... We weren't being nasty or anything before anyone gets any ideas about us being harsh). Most of the stress wasn't from this though, it was just from the sudden responsibility of a load of teenagers to look after... the lack of privay... well I was living with them....

I don't know why this would have this effect on me and why so suddenly. I'm back a while now and this is only just kicking in since i got back to college.... It's not as if like the last poster said I was off in a warzone and traumatised from that. I was working with kids ffs. I should be coping better. I'm a coper. I'm not someone that gets like this. I'm a coper fer christs sake

skooterblue

Hi OP,
I was where you are about a year ago. I am similar no drug abuse,healthy living, good job, challenging college course. No illegal Drugs, moderate to minuscule alcohol use and suddenly I get hit with major anxiety.

I tried talking to Councelors, doctors nurses, went to the gym excerisised more and I still came back to the same place. I tried a new regieme wit sleeeping tablets. I had a hard time taking them and comming off them but they broke my sleeping patterns. Then they suggested medication, I was dead against it, absolutely no way. Now I am heading back to the same place again and I now realise I need some heavier medication. Went back to my GP, who at the start was against me taking medication, now realises I may need something more.

Any GP who uses Medication to treat mental health problems without exploring other options, is the same as working at a factory doing a 9 to 5, prescribe Xanax and Prozac for the lot of them and work out the finer details later. Find a GP and work out every option available to you. The first step is realising you have a problem and getting real help for it. College or Work (if you work for a decent multinational) will have multitude of options to help you. They are all worthless if you dont ask. You have a quiet a bit to do but once you get the ball rolling you will find a lot of people will want to help you.

username123

nervy/violent wrote: »

he reason I don't want to do councilling is it does NOT work for me. I've tried i before and even the therapist admitted it didn't seem to be doing much for me. Generally I cope by recognising the problem, finding a practical solution and moving on...

Theres more than one type of counselling/therapy. Maybe one on one doesnt work for you, maybe the therapist you had didnt connect with you, maybe a different type of therapy would work? Dont write it off untill you have explored all options. Theres things like group therapy, and there are practical therapies like cognitive behavioural therapy as well - the key is in finding what works for you.

I think you should go to your GP, explain what you said here in your first post, explain one on one therapy is not something you are into but are willing to try other options?

It sounds like you have a lot of pent up anxiety, possibly you pushed the stress you were experiencing to one side while you were away because it wasnt appropriate or you didnt have time to deal with it and now you are home all that pent up stress has come out to bug you.

Purely from a practical viewpoint, find something you are interested in to focus on, take plenty of exercise and eat well, and try to keep your mind busy so you are not dwelling on bad thoughts or letting your mind run away with itself, but while these generalised tips may help a little, I think you would do best to seek professional help.

CDfm

nervy/violent wrote: »

I don't know why this would have this effect on me and why so suddenly. I'm back a while now and this is only just kicking in since i got back to college.... It's not as if like the last poster said I was off in a warzone and traumatised from that. I was working with kids ffs. I should be coping better. I'm a coper. I'm not someone that gets like this. I'm a coper fer christs sake

I can get that in a delayed reaction kind of way. Lots of people working or living in strange environments develop coping mechanisms either themselves or as part of a group or as a formal structure at work.Its a requirement that councellors have councellors so they are not affected by their work.In your case you know you have reacted to it and as an intelligent person you must see that.

But you ain't superman and it might do good just to talk to someone like a GP or support group or social worker with experience in the area to get some perspective on it.

If it is in an area thats course related maybe there is a lecturer or course tutor who you can discuss it with.

LegacyUser

Your situation is something that's experienced by many people who have spent time in a state of high alert - anything from being in a combat zone to working towards a high pressure deadline in work. Your body gets used to being on 'high' power all the time and your biochemistry would have changed e.g. increased cortisol and adrenaline levels...going from that back to 'normal' life is going to take some readjustment. It's almost like you get addicted to the rush that you get from being in that state of physiological and psychological overdrive. Coming back to your normal life, without that constant stimulus, can be almost like coming down after taking a drug. It's likely that in time you will naturally readjust to your day to day life and it won't seem so repellent to you. However, and I know you don't want to hear this, but you could really do with seeing someone who can help you with the adjustment process that you're going through. If general counselling isn't for you I'd suggest asking your GP about a referral to a psychologist or a therapist who takes a solution-focused approach to therapy (maybe a CBT therapist).

LegacyUser

I dont have any medical training and I'm not giving advice here but the OP's condition brought PTSD to my mind.

If I was experiencing what the OP was I would talk to my GP first.

CDfm

fith wrote: »

I dont have any medical training and I'm not giving advice here but the OP's condition brought PTSD to my mind.

If I was experiencing what the OP was I would talk to my GP first.

+1

martdalto

nervy/violent wrote: »

It's not as if ......... I was off in a warzone and traumatised from that. I was working with kids ffs. I should be coping better. I'm a coper. I'm not someone that gets like this. I'm a coper fer christs sake

But you're not coping are you?

I doesn't matter what you think you SHOULD be. The reality is, you were working in difficult circumstances (it doesn't have to just be a warzone) and it's now hitting you.

Go to your GP, it's as good a start as any.. and it's obvious that you're not going to be able to work this out on your own.

Sometimes "coping" means doing whatever needs to be done to get by.. and if that means speaking to your GP, then that what you need to do.