What Would You Have Done?

WorriedSick

Hey Guys,

Feeling terrible today, basically I have a brother who is a heroin addict, he has been for years. We are a well respected family and we never wanted for anything growing up, I guess he just got caught up with the wrong sort. Anyway over the past 10 years, me and my family have done everything we possibly could to get him better but EVERY time he throws it back at us. We have got in contact with every rehab centre in Ireland and abroad, he has been in to a couple but never lasts long and he always blames someone else when he doesn't stick to the programmes, he has robbed from every member of the family and we have also paid out thousands to junkies calling to the family house with hammers etc (I know that people are going to say that by doing this we were enabling him but you have to understand that beneath all of this my real brother is in there somewhere and I didn't want him to get a hiding or be killed) Anway, things have got worse, he was kicked out of the family house about 4 weeks ago because he taking heroin in the house and we think he has ran up bills with dealers again.

My mum hasn't been well and I think is close to a nervous breakdown beacuse of this and he has destroyed all our lives beyond belief and I sometimes wish he was dead so this would all go away, he doesnt see what this is doing to each of us or maybe he doesnt care! Anyway he was on the streets last wednesday so as a last resort my sister booked him into a hostel in town, she paid 4 nights on her Visa (we told him, he had that time to get in somewhere to get better) he stayed there for night 1 but we got a phone call to say he had been asked to leave the hostel as the other guest didn't feel safe around him.. we later found out he couldnt walk or stand-up straight, was out of his face and had even been going through some of the other guests belongings. I find this disgusting and just shows he is now a real junkie (I am sorry if that term offends anybody)

The manager of the hostel rang my sister to say he refused to leave and was trying to get money back on HER credit card. He eventually left the hostel and turned up in the local pub where my other sister was out with her friends, he was again high on drugs and wanted money for the taxi, she wouldn't give it to them, we had earlier made a family decision that the "enabling" had to stop. The taxi driver rang the police. I went down to the pub where this was going on and the police asked me and my sister if we were prepared to pay for the taxi, we both said No as he needs to learn to live with the consequences of his actions. We also told the police that we aren't responsible for him and that he didn't live in the house. We just couldn't do it anymore. They informed us that it was not the first time he skipped out on a taxi fare. They said that they would usually summons him to court but because he had no fixed abode they would have to arrest him. My brother was begging and crying with us not to let it happen but we couldn't bale him out again, we are physically and mentally drained.

The police were very sympathetic and said that they fully understood the situation. He was taken away and will be kept in custody to appear in court on Monday as nobody put up bale. The problem is that today I am riddled with guilt, the thought of my brother is CloverHill is destroying me.. I think they call it tough love and hopefully he will get the shock of his life. My question is.. is you were in the same position, would you have done the same? Apologies for the long post!

Elessar

I think you did, and are doing, the right thing. I remember you posted about this very situation last year. You cannot enable him anymore he has to learn the hard way. Maybe he will learn something from this, maybe he will never learn. But if he is to ever have a chance to change his ways, he must realise the consequences of his actions and do it for himself.

I understand your guilt but remember it is HIS fault he is in cloverhill, NOT yours. You have done everything a sibling can and should do, most importantly not enabling his lifestyle anymore. Being addicted to drugs is very tough, it takes over your life, but nothing and noone can change him except himself. Just be there for him if he really decides to try the hard road of getting off drugs.

dmy1001

it is a very hard situation for you guys but you reached the right decision. you have given every opportunity to help him and he has not taken them, you can do no more. this is very hard but it is what you and your family need to accept. all you can do is tell him you will be there for him but he has to do the hard yards in rehab.
Do not be guilty about this......if you did nothing he would be in a lot worse bother and remember if he did nothing wrong he would not be in custody.

Wagon

You're on the right track. you've done absolutely everything you could until now to help him and you've been let down constantly, threatened by dealers, forced to pay out thousands to keep him and the rest of you out of trouble. None of it has worked so a stint in jail might help him. Chances are, if it ends up in court he'll be on a rehabilitation programme if in prison. 10 years is a long time to be on heroin and i think the only way to kick it is either immense willpower (which he hasn't got) or hard years in rehab. So you're doing the right thing by not bailing him out.

username123

You definitelt did the right thing. What has been going on before HAS been enabling him. Even the way the police reacted to you guys should show you that you have done the right thing. They werent surprised, they were understanding.

Dont feel in any way guilty, your brother has brought this situation about himself, you didnt bring it upon him.

ManOfMystery

You are doing the right thing. The approach you all took before obviously didn't work, and if you kept doing it nothing would change. This tough love might give him a wake up call.

LegacyUser

You would not be the first family who have done this. I have been in Cloverhill where families went to make sure that their son/brother was not given bail. They made sure to tell the prosecuting guard that the son/brother was not welcome to reside at the address of any relative. Some addicts get their legal aid solicitor to organise a hostel bed for them so that they can get bail. Make sure to go to Cloverhill when the bail application is being made and find out if this is happening. A quick phone call to the hostel concerned and the prosecuting guard should ensure that bail is not granted.

skooterblue

I really really feel for you. You had to make a horrible decision, it was a hard decison but you took it, I think you made the right one.

Ok lets suppose you took the other option.... you paid the hostel and taxi driver. Tell me what would have changed, nothing because eaten bread is soon forgotten. Time your brother had to deal with his demons and go to rehab. You cannot send him there he has to do this for himself. This is NOT your fault. I have sympathy for people with Mental Illness, not for Drug addicts. Drug addict at some stage make a conscious decision to take a substance they are not addicted to that they know is potentially addictive.

Once people find out that you dont accept responsibility for you brother, they wont give credit to your brother. Its time for him to accept responsibility. And you to accept responsibility that he has crossed over boundaries and is not your responsibility. Remember if you are bailing hom out then you are feeding his addiction. Sorry this is tough medicine, best take it fast and quick and it won't hurt so much.

I hope you find peace for yourself.

Carsinian Thau

What you did was not easy. But it was definitely the right thing to do.

Your family are right to stop enabling him, if they continue he'll never get better.

If you had paid the taxi fare, he would have been let go and would have gone straight to his next fix. By allowing him to be taken to prison, you're allowing him the chance to access the help that he desperately needs.

It will be tough but you have to continue to act this way. Only help him if it can offer long term help. If it's not going to help him get clean, then leave it.

LegacyUser

Your poor family!!
I used to be involved with an ex herion user and altough he did not use anymore, he still had that mentality that the world owed him something.

The best thing you can do for people sometimes is give up on them!! your doing the right thing!

Best of luck to all of you

LegacyUser

You did the right thing.

I am a former heroin addict. You have to understand your brother can't help being so selfish.

Unfortunately he has to want to get clean, nothing else will help.

The scary thing is that in prison he will be forced to share needles, this he will gladly do to avoid withdrawals even though he will be aware of the health risks. Its a gamble an addict is willing to take. I hope he doesn't pick up anything.

Best of luck to you and your family. And your brother, I hope he comes out the other side ok.

tbh

you did the right thing, and it took a fair amount of courage to do it too, respect. your family and your brother will be in my prayers.

well done. The situation cannot improve without you taking this first, difficult step.