I'm not sure how I feel about my boyfriend

LegacyUser

I have a great boyfriend. He chased me like crazy at the start, made all the moves and was very clear he was crazy about me. I have always been one to play it cool at the start of anything new because its just my personality type.
TBH I think I've just fallen into having a relationship with him because he is so crazy about me and I love that, because I've had a series of very toxic relationships. I don't really get "flutters" when I'm going to meet him or when he calls me on the phone. I held off on sex for a while because I'm naturally cautious about it, but he was so patient I really thought he was great and we began sleeping together. The sex is nice but thats all I can really say about it.
I'm not even sure what my problem is-shouldn't I be happy I found this great guy after one loser after another? He has done all the running, taken me out to lovely places, away for weekends etc-I'm not a gold digger as I have a very well paid job and can pay my way, but it's just nice to have someone take care of me for once.
My real issue came up this week when a friend of his who is getting married next year said something like "oh it'll be you two before you know it". I think he does see this relationship as a potential route to getting married, from a few things he has said. I cannot see myself married to this man, but in a lot of ways it would be very suitable and don't people get married for practical reasons? I'm in my 30s, I want a family and I'm sick of the dating scene. Should I just accept that I can't expect perfection in my love life (I have my own flaws) and settle for this guy? I sometimes think "this is it, I can stop worrying I'll never meet someone" but is that a reason for staying with him?
So, has anyone been there? I would love to hear from people who overcame their initial doubts and had a great relationship, or those who didn't settle and ended up ok. Is it time to get over myself and appreciate this amazing man? Thanks for reading.

CDfm

So you havent got a toxic relationship. Do you mind me asking what sort of things you are missing and what are the pluses vs what you had before.

Lets weigh them up and compare.

ManOfMystery

Do you love him?

It sounds like you're not passionate about him at all. And to be honest, I can't see a long term future for any couple who don't have even a hint of passion for each other - he might have it for you, but it has to be reciprocated.

LegacyUser

iamconfused wrote: »

I have a great boyfriend. He chased me like crazy at the start, made all the moves and was very clear he was crazy about me. I have always been one to play it cool at the start of anything new because its just my personality type.
TBH I think I've just fallen into having a relationship with him because he is so crazy about me and I love that, because I've had a series of very toxic relationships. I don't really get "flutters" when I'm going to meet him or when he calls me on the phone. I held off on sex for a while because I'm naturally cautious about it, but he was so patient I really thought he was great and we began sleeping together. The sex is nice but thats all I can really say about it.
I'm not even sure what my problem is-shouldn't I be happy I found this great guy after one loser after another? He has done all the running, taken me out to lovely places, away for weekends etc-I'm not a gold digger as I have a very well paid job and can pay my way, but it's just nice to have someone take care of me for once.
My real issue came up this week when a friend of his who is getting married next year said something like "oh it'll be you two before you know it". I think he does see this relationship as a potential route to getting married, from a few things he has said. I cannot see myself married to this man, but in a lot of ways it would be very suitable and don't people get married for practical reasons? I'm in my 30s, I want a family and I'm sick of the dating scene. Should I just accept that I can't expect perfection in my love life (I have my own flaws) and settle for this guy? I sometimes think "this is it, I can stop worrying I'll never meet someone" but is that a reason for staying with him?
So, has anyone been there? I would love to hear from people who overcame their initial doubts and had a great relationship, or those who didn't settle and ended up ok. Is it time to get over myself and appreciate this amazing man? Thanks for reading.

toxic relationships can be dramatic, exciting and seem passionate maybe you miss that.
car crashes can be exciting and dramatic until someone gets seriously hurt

Nervous Wreck

iamconfused wrote: »

I have a great boyfriend. He chased me like crazy at the start, made all the moves and was very clear he was crazy about me. I have always been one to play it cool at the start of anything new because its just my personality type.
TBH I think I've just fallen into having a relationship with him because he is so crazy about me and I love that, because I've had a series of very toxic relationships. I don't really get "flutters" when I'm going to meet him or when he calls me on the phone. I held off on sex for a while because I'm naturally cautious about it, but he was so patient I really thought he was great and we began sleeping together. The sex is nice but thats all I can really say about it.
I'm not even sure what my problem is-shouldn't I be happy I found this great guy after one loser after another? He has done all the running, taken me out to lovely places, away for weekends etc-I'm not a gold digger as I have a very well paid job and can pay my way, but it's just nice to have someone take care of me for once.
My real issue came up this week when a friend of his who is getting married next year said something like "oh it'll be you two before you know it". I think he does see this relationship as a potential route to getting married, from a few things he has said. I cannot see myself married to this man, but in a lot of ways it would be very suitable and don't people get married for practical reasons? I'm in my 30s, I want a family and I'm sick of the dating scene. Should I just accept that I can't expect perfection in my love life (I have my own flaws) and settle for this guy? I sometimes think "this is it, I can stop worrying I'll never meet someone" but is that a reason for staying with him?
So, has anyone been there? I would love to hear from people who overcame their initial doubts and had a great relationship, or those who didn't settle and ended up ok. Is it time to get over myself and appreciate this amazing man? Thanks for reading.

I'm sure you don't mean it this way but, you're being very selfish in considering staying with this man. No matter how much he loves you and how happy you think staying together will make him, this man deserves reciprocity for his love.... If you can't offer that, you shouldn't stay with him. You sound like a really genuine woman and my heart goes out to you for your bad luck and apparent pessimism.... But things are not hopeless for you. Use your nice qualities and go find someone who you can really connect with. But please give your OH the same opportunity to find someone who is really right for him. Keep your chin up and let your man down. It'll work out for the best in the long run.

ash23

Here's my experience. I dated a string of losers in my teens and had just split with one when I met Mr Nice guy. I wasn't even remotely attracted to him. But we became friends. I knew he fancied me but I also knew I didn't fancy him. Then a few weeks after meeting him I found out I was pregnant with most recent exs child. He didn't want to know so there I was, 19, pregnant and scared.

A few months later Mr Nice Guy declared his love for me (he knew I was pregnant). I turned him down. Months and months and months of pursuing followed. Eventually I gave in and we became an item shortly before my daughter was born though we kept it very quiet for a few months.

I cared for him a great deal. I did love him but I never felt mad about him or looked at him and thought he was sexy. I had doubts and often wondered "is this it?" and like you wondered if everyone had those doubts.
But he offered me the security I craved for myself and my daughter. I don't mean financially, I mean in terms of a family unit.


Years passed and I'll be truthful, I was somewhat embarrassed by him. I didn't feel pride in being with him (he isn't attractive) and again, I did love him but it wasn't proper love.
But I was needy and wanted marriage and kids and he was the one person who could give me that without having to start all over again.

But then something in him changed and he became a much harder person. He refused to let me play the princess role while he ran and raced to my every whim. He decided he didn't believe in marriage or want kids. And then he met someone else and I was kicked to the curb :rolleyes:

In some ways I know he is a total fooker for doing that to me. He behaved very badly at the end of our relationship. But I see him with her now and she is proud to be with him. She is attracted to him and wants him. I never was like that and it must have affected his self esteem over the years.

I'd love to tell you that I am now with someone who I adore and that I know what real love is but it's all a bit raw for me so I'm single for now. But I have hope that I'll feel that way about someone. And not just settle next time.

opinion guy

@ash23
Wow. ballsy honest post. kudos for that.

iamconfused wrote: »

..........I'm not even sure what my problem is-shouldn't I be happy I found this great guy after one loser after another? He has done all the running, taken me out to lovely places, away for weekends etc-I'm not a gold digger as I have a very well paid job and can pay my way, but it's just nice to have someone take care of me for once........

This kind of sums it up for me really. Don't u think you are using him ? Seems like u are justifying it by saying u got hurt so somehow the universe owes you. Sorry OP I don't mean to be so harsh - u seem nice. but it does kinda come accross like that to me

CDfm

opinion guy wrote: »

This kind of sums it up for me really. Don't u think you are using him ? Seems like u are justifying it by saying u got hurt so somehow the universe owes you. Sorry OP I don't mean to be so harsh - u seem nice. but it does kinda come accross like that to me

I kind of agree with you - I almost hope the OP ends up with a looser.

opinion guy

CDfm wrote: »

I kind of agree with you - I almost hope the OP ends up with a looser.

Thats not very helpful CD. No need to be mean. Be fair to OP. She has a conscience. She is asking us this because she does realise that her boyfriend is a nice guy (although her post does read somewhat selfishly).

I'm not even sure what my problem is-shouldn't I be happy I found this great guy after one loser after another?

See - on some level she knows he is a great guy.

OP don't you think you've answered your own question:

I cannot see myself married to this man

Don't get me wrong - I'm NOT saying leave the guy. I'm saying don't ignore this. don't sweep it under that carpet in the name of 'settling'. You will not be doing him or you any favours.

Think about ash23's story.
When you've done some thinking maybe you need to talk to your BF. And I do think - talk to him at some point. Don't make unilateral decisions. But when you have cleared your head talk with the guy.

CDfm

opinion guy wrote: »

Thats not very helpful CD. No need to be mean. Be fair to OP. She has a conscience. She is asking us this because she does realise that her boyfriend is a nice guy (although her post does read somewhat selfishly).

It did read selfishly and its a bit like the grass is always greener etc.

I didn't mean to be harsh OP.

LegacyUser

OP here,
Thank you all for replies.
I want to be clear that I have read my post and it does sound selfish, but I am most certainly not a selfish person. If anything a lack of selfishness has resulted in my letting previous partners away with some pretty shady things. I also found it very hurtful to read that one poster hoped I end up with a loser, because I have been out with many losers before meeting this wonderful man I am very confused about.
I am fully aware that it sounds self-centred to say I want this or that and I can't see myself married to him, but I am just trying to be honest so people can assess the situation as clearly as possible.
Also, I know my boyfriend is great. He is kind, thoughtful, generous and would make a wonderful husband and father. I noticed one reply said that toxic can be exciting but dangerous, which is the kind of relationship I have had in the past.
Maybe I need to phrase my question differently, but I am wondering if my doubts about the relationship come from a lack of drama, which I have always had in the past. Maybe I just need to appreciate what I have.
Once again, thank you all for the comments.

miss no stars

would you like to be settled for? I know I wouldn't.

To use a cliche, I'm sure you love him, but you're not in love. You deserve someone who thinks the world of you and is crazy in love with you as much as he deserves someone who reciprocates that.

G-Money

There is one thing that stood out for me more than anything and that is the title of your post:

"I'm not sure how I feel about my boyfriend"

When I read your post and read this title again I put it through the female translation machine and it came out as "I will probably break up with him/start seeing someone else."

I don't mean that in a harsh way, but when I hear a girl saying stuff like that, it usually means the end is in sight. You don't sound like you really want to be with this guy and while you might have had a hard time before, it's unfair to him to effectively keep the relationship on a life support machine when there's no chance it's going to live.

Just as you deserve to be with someone who feels the same way about you, as you do about them. Your boyfriend is entitled to exactly the same thing and is entitled to it every bit as much.

Your situation reminds me of one of those scenes from some TV show or film where someone is trying to convince themselves they want a particular thing and are trying to get excited about it. But the audience knows they don't really want to and it's as plain as day.

I'm not saying go end it with him. However if you don't feel the same way about him as he does about you, it's only fair he's allowed to go off and find someone who will reciprocate his feelings.

And let's be honest. If you have to come onto here and ask for advice about whether you like your boyfriend enough to stay with him, I think that's evidence enough that you don't.

If you do decide to end it, be gentle and don't let it drag on and have him asking why it went on for so long.

All the best.

LegacyUser

I agree with a lot of the sentiments of earlier posters, particualarly Nervous Wreck. It sounds like you're not that into the guy. He deserves more. Let him down gently. I'm speaking having been a guy in a similar position on more than one occasion. In fact, I'm the perennial Mr. Nice Guy. And it hurts like hell to get dumped because "you're lovely, really nice, great friend etc but there just isn't that spark". But that is better than living a lie. Either you are attracted to him and committed to the relationship or you are not. But he deserves to know.

hollis12

well i certainly dont hope you end up with a loser but unless you change your attitude you will! maybe the string of losers has affected your self esteem and you sub counsiously sabotage a healty relationship.

on the other hand if he is too nice and spineless theres a problem aswell maybe you can find a nice guy with some bad boy qaulities.

peanut.

Your answer is in your title really.

Speaking from experience, the very fact that you're questioning your feelings for him show that something isn't quite right. These feelings generally don't just go away, they need to be confronted.

You say yourself that you cannot see yourself married to this man- I don't mean to sound harsh, apologies if it comes across like that, but if you can't see yourself marrying him then why are you still with him? I'm not trying to say there's no point in being in a relationship unless you can see yourselves getting hitched, far from it! But you say he thinks you are potentially headed for marriage- by staying with him when your heart is not truely in it you are stringing him along. This isn't really fair.

Like other posters here have said, you do come across as a nice person. You obviously do care for this man, and you both deserve better than "settling". No one here can make the decision for you. Trust your gut instinct, best of luck. x

CDfm

iamconfused wrote: »

OP here,
Thank you all for replies.
I want to be clear that I have read my post and it does sound selfish, but I am most certainly not a selfish person. If anything a lack of selfishness has resulted in my letting previous partners away with some pretty shady things. I also found it very hurtful to read that one poster hoped I end up with a loser, because I have been out with many losers before meeting this wonderful man I am very confused about.

I was the guy that posted the loser comment.Sorry. But if its karma to borrow from the movie title maybe this is "as good as it gets".

There is an Alanis Morrisette song "Isn't it ironic" and the answer is "not really" and karma has nothing to do with it. I have to disagree with you on the selfish bit as this applies to ex boyfriends and not your current one. Currently you are looking after Number 1. Maybe I am being cynical.

So if you want to go back to your old style partner you should not be disappointed by the outcome with any relationship because experience will have taught you that the outcome will be the same. The choice you make is yours and you are responsible for the consequences.So what are the odds of a disaster if you follow your instinct?

Your core dilemma? Are you currently with second best and can you honestly say that? He however, seems to have drawn the short straw.

LegacyUser

being in the same position as the OP i think i know what she is trying to say . Personally i think she means, as i do, Should we be happy for what we have and not live with the eternal hope that equal love and adorement does not exist. maybe having someone love you devotedly even if its not reciprocated is as good as it gets. In every relationship is it not true that one party is more in love than the other. i recently split with someone who utterly adores me but though i care and like the intimacy i just don't feel the click. they were quite aware of this and wanted to continue as 'they had enough love for the both of us' but i want to 'be in love' not just contented. But aren't there thousands of couples out there who are together just as 'routine' rather than passion. so am i wrong to be so fussy. will i look back as a 60 year old spinster and say .........well 'x' loved me but i was waiting for the 'one' who never came. is it better to be in a loving relationship even if it is not equal , than to wait for the one who you love as much as they love you. Is that just an unobtainable scenario?

LegacyUser

OP again
Same boat has summed it up-she is much more succint that I was!
I appreciate my boyfriend. He is amazing and I think the world of him. Every couple I know has one partner who loves the other more. I've always been the more "loving" one and until now I've always cut previous partners a major amount of slack. As soon as I decided to be a bit more straight up about things and ask for what I wanted and not compromise, along came current man. It may sound like I'm being cold about how I feel, but he really is one in a million. I don't think I would be settling should I stay in the relationship, I think I'd have settled had I stayed with any of my previous partners. In many ways, he is the one for me and I know we would have a wonderful life together, any like same boat said, doesn't a relattionship grow into a mutual understanding rather than the honeymoon passion lasting forever for 90% of couples?
In short, I think most people make a compromise when they get into a long term relationship or get married, don't they?

CDfm

OP -when you edit out all the hyperbole this is how it looks and you should be more honest about it.

iamconfused wrote: »

OP again

I appreciate my boyfriend. He is amazing and I think the world of him. Every couple I know has one partner who loves the other more. I've always been the more "loving" one and until now

You are not here

I've always cut previous partners a major amount of slack. As soon as I decided to be a bit more straight up about things and ask for what I wanted and not compromise, along came current man.

But you haven't been straight up and honest.

It may sound like I'm being cold about how I feel,

You have behaved dishonourably and entirely out of self interest.

I don't think I would be settling should I stay in the relationship, I think I'd have settled had I stayed with any of my previous partners.

For his sake it would have been better if you had.

I think most people make a compromise when they get into a long term relationship or get married, don't they?

Most people dont compromise their principles to the extent you seem to think is normal.

opinion guy

iamconfused wrote: »

OP again
Same boat has summed it up-she is much more succint that I was!
I appreciate my boyfriend. He is amazing and I think the world of him. Every couple I know has one partner who loves the other more. I've always been the more "loving" one and until now I've always cut previous partners a major amount of slack. As soon as I decided to be a bit more straight up about things and ask for what I wanted and not compromise, along came current man. It may sound like I'm being cold about how I feel, but he really is one in a million. I don't think I would be settling should I stay in the relationship, I think I'd have settled had I stayed with any of my previous partners. In many ways, he is the one for me and I know we would have a wonderful life together, any like same boat said, doesn't a relattionship grow into a mutual understanding rather than the honeymoon passion lasting forever for 90% of couples?
In short, I think most people make a compromise when they get into a long term relationship or get married, don't they?

sameboat & Op. ok I tihnk iget where ye ar coing from a bit better now.
Honestly. what I think? there is no answer to your dilemma. there is only a decision.
Some people spend their lives with the love of their lives. some people 'settle' for giving up hope. some people 'settle' for praticality. some people 'settle' and later realise the person is the love of their life. some people hold out for 'the one' and eventually get lucky. some people hold out for 'the one' and end up lonely.
OP I think what you need to do is have a little think. maybe even see a counsillor regarding your prior experiences and to sort things out in your head. Maybe you need to think about what your priorities in a relationship are. I think you should at some point when things are clearer talk to your fella. I mean whatever you decide include him in the decisions - i think thats important (Its a lot more respectful for someone to say I think we have a problem and we shoudl talk it out than I tihnk we have a problem you are dumped.....even if the end result is the same). maybe there are ways in which ye can change things to have more of a spark between ye. maybe its hopeless. none of us can really tell you. just be decent to the guy whatever you do

ash23

In many ways, he is the one for me and I know we would have a wonderful life together, any like same boat said, doesn't a relattionship grow into a mutual understanding rather than the honeymoon passion lasting forever for 90% of couples?

OP, I honestly think you are trying to persuade yourself into staying with him. And i totally understand why.

But what will it do to him to always be aware that he loves you more than you love him. You've been there, you know how it is, how that feels.
And how will you feel? You say you can't see yourself married to him but he is the one for you? You will be getting engaged and once the novelty wears off you will be having these "Am I doing the right thing? Is this the way I should be feeling?" moments. When you are standing at the altar saying your vows you will be having those niggling thoughts in the back of your head. You know you will. But then you will be married and have kids and essentially be trapped by the life you bought into. You will be bored, sex will be vanilla with lack of entusiasm and passion and one of two things will happen.

Either your OH will still adore you but you will meet someone fun and exciting and end up cheating or at least considering it.
Or your OH will be eaten up with your lack of enthusiasm and meet someone who is "into" him and he will end up cheating or coming close to it.


How long have you been with him?
Because I was in your relationship for 6 years!!! And I never felt fulfilled, was always pushing for something, anything to make it more exciting. A newer bigger house, more children, a new car, a wedding, an extension. Always seeking something "more" but in the wrong places.

I truly 100% believe that if he hadn't met someone else as he did then I would have. I was soooooo bored! So unfulfilled by what I had. I am much happier alone than I was with him. my life is so much more complete even though from the outside it should be more empty. It's hard to explain.

It's like those people, you know the ones, everyone does....the ones who always seem to be looking for something more. They travel and move, they change jobs, they are never settled.
That was me but I sought it out from within the relationship as I was afraid to be alone. I no longer need more more more. I have a smaller house, am financially worse off but I am no longer looking and seeking more all the time. I do hope to meet someone but for the right reasons. I have had a few casual relationships within the last year and while I agree that passion fades and those first few weeks are fake in a lot of ways, I have felt more passion and excitement with those flings than I ever felt for my ex. And that gives me hope. That I will meet someone when I am ready and I will WANT to be with them. I won't just be with them because I "fell into it".

Wibbs

ash23 wrote: »

It's like those people, you know the ones, everyone does....the ones who always seem to be looking for something more. They travel and move, they change jobs, they are never settled.
That was me but I sought it out from within the relationship as I was afraid to be alone. I no longer need more more more. I have a smaller house, am financially worse off but I am no longer looking and seeking more all the time. I do hope to meet someone but for the right reasons. I have had a few casual relationships within the last year and while I agree that passion fades and those first few weeks are fake in a lot of ways, I have felt more passion and excitement with those flings than I ever felt for my ex. And that gives me hope. That I will meet someone when I am ready and I will WANT to be with them. I won't just be with them because I "fell into it".

Good post and kudos to you for finding that out and living a better life on the back of it. I know a fair few of the people you mention and few enough do find that. They're always looking for more outside themselves. They usually fall into something as you said. They hit an age where they figure they should stay put and then can't figure ten years down the line why they still feel somethings missing. It always will be missing until they find it in themselves.

hollis12

iamconfused wrote: »

OP again
Same boat has summed it up-she is much more succint that I was!
I appreciate my boyfriend. He is amazing and I think the world of him. Every couple I know has one partner who loves the other more. I've always been the more "loving" one and until now I've always cut previous partners a major amount of slack. As soon as I decided to be a bit more straight up about things and ask for what I wanted and not compromise, along came current man. It may sound like I'm being cold about how I feel, but he really is one in a million. I don't think I would be settling should I stay in the relationship, I think I'd have settled had I stayed with any of my previous partners. In many ways, he is the one for me and I know we would have a wonderful life together, any like same boat said, doesn't a relattionship grow into a mutual understanding rather than the honeymoon passion lasting forever for 90% of couples?
In short, I think most people make a compromise when they get into a long term relationship or get married, don't they?

well sometimes they do, yea but this seems different you stayed longer with your loser boyfriends and you say if you stayed with them you would have been settling for less but in your own words this one is better but you dont want to settle for him so think to yourself are you looking for loser or non loser and then make up your mind, its not good to keep using words like settle! just go with who you want!