Thoughts of self harm

LegacyUser

This post has been coming a long time.

Im a 27 year old male living with my long term partner.

Theres been quite a few issues in the relationship but I dont think the relationship is the problem. My partner is extremely lazy and even though I work full time, he is unemployed he just wont do anything around the house. Physically I am exhausted and have such a lot of anger, his laziness is a massive trigger for it.

Lately I have been thinking about and I know when I write it how stupid it seems but I came very close last night to cutting myself. Usually I end up breaking items around me when things get too much and I come off looking "psycho" as he puts it. For some reason I think doing the harm to myself would be better, I get so angry that I need to do something if that makes sense but I dont want him to see what Ive done.

A few times Ive thought about harming myself but never went through with it, but lately now even when Im not that angry, I feel like doing it, I cant explain why. I dont even know what Im looking for in terms of responses.

I needed to write this down or get it out there, I dont really have anybody I can turn to. I guess I just wanted to see have others gone through the same and found a way to curb it.

Thanks for reading

Nevyn

OK you need to talk to your dr and you need to get some help dealing with the angery you are feeling and finding away to constructively deal with it and start resloving the issues with in yourself and with in your relationship.

Fascination with self harm even if you have not yet taken any action is a red flag for seriously unhealthy mental and emotional processes and you need to get professional help as soon as possible.

LegacyUser

OP Here,

Im afraid to go to my doctor as I dont want to be recommended a course of anti depressants, Im afraid that is what he`l say.

Sometimes I feel that cutting myself would be one of the few things in my life that I have control over.

My partner has threathened to leave me on more than one occasion unless I come around to their way of thinking on things and I really dont want to be alone. I have no real stability or security in my life and at times I honestly feel that if I did go further than cutting that Id be forgotten in a few weeks. Anyway Im not here for self pity. Ive been thinking about seeing a councellor but Im paranoid that he`d think Im just there to bitch about my partner. Ive had these thoughts before my partner anyway, I always feel inferior to everybody.

Most nights I just cry in bed, sometimes for no reason I just cry. I dont want to be like this.

wylo

OP the only solution for someone that has thoughts of self harm , and someone who cries in bed at night is a Doctor. Its your responsibility to get help for yourself, you seem in denial that you may be depressed but maybe a doctor prescribing anti depressants is the only thing that will lift you out of that.

Taltos

Look - your doc might suggest anti-d's.
But ask them what other options are there for you? I don't know if there is - but at least ask.

I know that you might feel there is a stigma attached to the tabs - but look at it this way. If you do need them it is only because your wiring is mis-firing and needs a little help to get you back on track.

What I think might be more beneficial to you though is to talk to someone - someone who will just let you vent - get all that anger out of you. Sometimes when you get a chance to verbalise all that rage it really does help - it can help crystallise in your mind what you need to do.
When you bottle it up though - that is when things go wrong - depression - addiction - heart-attacks.... Right now you are exhibiting one sympton - get help now before this gets worse for you.

Part of this might involve couples counselling - but first concentrate on helping yourself before you think that far ahead.

Best of luck - and well done so far for holding back from hurting yourself - then you would just have to deal with the feelings of self-hate this would engender. Go and talk to someone as soon as you can - your doc first and then get a referral/recommendation.

Remember - this happens to loads of people - it is just not widely talked about.

LegacyUser

Thanks guys for listening.

I think the reason this is coming to a head now is that for years I lost myself in alcohol to vent. It took 12 months to get out of the habit but I no longer see alcohol as any kind of an answer to be honest it feels really odd now not longing for drink and using that when things are getting on top of me.

To be honest the reason Im so anti antid`s is that a frend of mine is on them and she said shes 10 times worse off and cant come off them now and she said there are horrible side effects with them and if she could put the clock back she wouldnt go on them.

Nettie

I know how you feel. I've self harmed. It was stupid though and I know now I shouldn't have done it. I felt like doing it all the time. I have no idea why. I'm all okay now though

My advice is to get out with your friends and have a good time! Enjoy yourself. It'll take your mind off things and make you enjoy life more. Hope I helped!

Novella

A doctor will not prescribe you anti depressants unless he thinks that you really need them. It is in your best interests to see a doctor though because self harming can become a serious addiction and generally it gets worse and worse, starting with thoughts like yours.

It is a downward spiral and not somewhere you should let yourself go so pop along to your GP and say what you have said here. Print it off even, if you don't wanna have to say it out loud. I know that may sound stupid but sometimes just saying it can be hardest.

Remember, doctors are trained to deal with this and aren't going to think that you are crazy or do anything to jeopardise your situation. You say your friend is ten times worse because she is on anti depressants, this is not the case for everyone though. Best of luck, OP and take care of yourself.

Contessa Raven

I know you're only thinking about it now but whatever you do, DO NOT START cutting yourself! I've been down this road and believe me when I say once you start it is very difficult to stop. The urge to cut never goes away (I haven't cut for 3 years and when I get really down the feelings flood back)

You need to find someone to talk to about these feelings. If you tell your doctor you don't want to go on meds then he can probably recommend a good counsellor. The counsellor is trained to deal with all manner of problems even self-harm and relationship issues. Seriously, get help for yourself. These people are trained professionals and most importantly they WANT to help.

Good luck OP!