Boyfriend on the internet

LegacyUser

I'm posting because I am worried about my boyfriend's internet use and its impact on our relationship. We are 21 (me) and 25 (him) and have been living together for a year and a half. He was made redundant from his job in the financial services industry in March, and has been on the dole since then. I work in an office as a PA.

We get up around the same time every day, and by the time I am out of the shower and drying my hair, he is at the computer with a bowl of Cornflakes. He sits there all day "looking for jobs" but rarely ever gets an interview for anything, which makes me believe that "looking for jobs" is his excuse for "aimless web surfing." He will then sit on the computer all evening, taking a break only to eat dinner (which I cook). Even though I am the one with the full time job, I do 90% of the laundry and household chores. If I remind him to do something like hoover the living room or take out the bin I can be sure he will forget. I even have to clean up all the plates and cups that accumulate around his computer. Many days he often doesn't bother to shave, shower, dress properly, or go outside.

He now comes to bed long after me, sometimes at 2 in the morning, so we rarely have sex anymore. He used to be extremely attentive and passionate, but now it is like he couldn't care less. Sometimes he will want me in the middle of the night, and I let him, but I feel too sleepy to enjoy it then (and he knows that the middle of the night is my least favourite time). Whenever I try to initiate something at a different time, especially when it competes with him being on the computer, he could not be less interested.

Lately I have questioned him more about all the time he spends online. I have pointed out that nobody spends 12 to 14 hours a day 7 days a week job hunting, and that sitting in front of a computer screen all day like this is unhealthy. But he is evasive about what he does online and very resistant to cutting back. I proposed last week that computer use be cut back to 2 hours a day max on Saturdays and Sundays and that we make an effort to spend more quality time together, but he is not open to that either.

Honestly, I don't really care if he is looking at porn or whatever. I just want him to be honest with me and communicate openly with me. But I feel that he is pulling away from me and just losing himself in the internet because he can't face reality anymore.

If anyone has any advice, I'd be so grateful.

Terodil

Remote diagnosis is difficult and don't take this as medically relevant.

But I would bet my money on him having fallen into a depression following his job loss. It has a very high impact on self-worth, especially for men who still tend to define themselves by what they do professionally.

This is not about you or him caring less for you. This is about him caring less for himself and for his life. He's in deep despair and probably in denial at the same time.

You need to help him to get out of this. Get some counselling, get him to see a GP, and try to get him to see his self-worth again. If he cannot overcome this feeling of worthlessness he'll know that he'll never succeed with his job search and therefore he'll have no motivation at all to even start.

This is a very difficult time for him, and consequently for you too. Ultimately you can only facilitate his recovery, he's responsible for it.

Good luck!

cruizer101

His beahvior is not on, fair enough he might be having a hard time being out of work and having trouble getting a job. But I agree with you there is no way you can spend that long on internet looking for jobs it is unhealthy.

Also the fact that he is not doing work around the house or paying attention to you is ridiculous, from your description it doesn't sound like a realtionship at all. I know if I was looking for jobs all day, I'd be delighted to do something different in the evening with you. And weekends too, if he is really looking for jobs he would be more constructive taking time to relax and then spending his time well.

You need to talk to him about this, sit him down tell him what you think. Also if he is coming in at 2 in morning looking for some nookie and your already asleep, tell him to sort it out himself. But serioulsy talk, what you've described is unhealthy for both of you.

Edit: just read Terodil's post and agree could well be depression, but the advice still stands need him to talk.

Oh The Humanity

I would call his bluff here.

Only one wage coming into the house, you need to cut back on bills. Get rid of Broadband. If he wants to 'job hunt' -he can go to the library.

Dont leave him surfing all day on your dollar.

While I agree he is probably depressed and in denial, I would advocate a little bit of 'tough love' here rather than soft soaping him.

He needs to be earning and contributing emotionally to the partnership. You are too young to carry someone.

Terodil

Oh The Humanity wrote: »

While I agree he is probably depressed and in denial, I would advocate a little bit of 'tough love' here rather than soft soaping him.

Oh yeah, I agree -- it really depends on his personality. Sometimes you need softer support, sometimes you need 'tough love'. The OP should think carefully about what is required, and quite possibly use both -- soft first, tough later if it doesn't work.

Oh The Humanity wrote: »

He needs to be earning and contributing emotionally to the partnership. You are too young to carry someone.

Well, this is a bit too tough IMO. You cannot expect somebody with two broken legs to walk, can you? If he is depressed (big if... again, I don't know but it is my bet), then he is in a similar position regarding the partnership.

I'm all for picking yourself up and giving it some serious effort but not everybody can do that.

And finally, a relationship is not just a relationship while the sun is shining. We all have rainy days.

ManOfMystery

Internet addiction is slowly becoming a more recognised phenomenon and I personally know people who are never off it. Indeed, they only reason they are sometimes off it is because of work - something your boyfriend doesn't have to contend with.

It would be handy if you knew why he was on the net so much. Is it just aimless surfing? Is he on chatrooms where he has created some kind of persona and uses this to escape the problems in real life he doesn't want to face? Is he a gamer, i.e. is he using something like World of Warcraft which many people seem to be addicted to and spend days at?

In any case, exactly what he is doing is largely irrelevant - it just might help you understand him better if you knew what it was. I think a bit of tough love is needed - instead of asking him to cut back a little, you need to tell him that your relationship CANNOT continue indefinitely like this. Asides from your needs not being met in the relationship, it also sounds like his aren't - although he is prepared to put up with it to enjoy his internet time.

lolli

Op,

Sounds like your other half is depressed and hasnt realised it yet. Its a tough time for everyone who loses their jobs. I know the feeling. When you can't get a job you feel completely worthless and begin to lose hope.

Maybe try to get him out of the house. Talk to him and ask him about what jobs he has applied for and hopefully something will come up soon.

Oryx

He may be depressed and propping himself up with undemanding surfing on the net. He is addicted, that much you can guarantee. He cant stay away from it, is on there all the time, and is allowing his life to suffer to feed his addiction. Hes not looking for work, if he was youd see post coming, interviews arranged, actual progress at this stage.

If he is in a funk of depression and addiction, this is not something you can make him stop. He has to want to, the reasons to quit have to be more important to him than the reasons to continue. But it does sound like he needs a shake up to begin that process of realisation within him. So do as advised. Cut off his access, manually, with scissors if you have to. Watch him freak out (oh he will). Then when the hissy fit is over, try to talk to him about how he has been, why he freaked out, how you feel about it, and what has to change.

I hope you get somewhere, and that you both get his, and your, life back again.

Permabear

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