How do you get over the love of your life???

pinkpigs

Hi,

I'm new to all this but needs some help!

I'm about to seperate from my husband (been together 12 years married for 5). We've always talked about a family but when push came to shove he realised that he doesn't want children. I want him and a family but I know I won't be happy if I stay with him and not have kids. So we are going our seperate ways.

I'm absolutely heart broken.

We are in the middle of 'who stay's and who goes'.

I'm just wondering if anyone has been here before and if they can offer some advice on how to get through the next few months.

Thanks,

Depressed in Dublin

Kimia

Oh god OP. I am so sorry that this happened to you. I don't really have any advice, but I just wanted to reply and say I really feel for you. x

Terodil

pinkpigs wrote: »

I want him and a family but I know I won't be happy if I stay with him and not have kids. So we are going our seperate ways.

I'm absolutely heart broken.

I don't quite understand this.

You value kids more than the relationship with your husband. Since he doesn't accommodate your priorities, you are consequently dumping him in order to be able to have kids.

Then why are you heartbroken over cutting something lose that's not important to you (= your husband) and thereby opening up options to have the things that are important to you (= kids)?

You should be happy and hopeful

Terodil

Terodil wrote: »

I don't quite understand this.

You value kids more than the relationship with your husband. Since he doesn't accommodate your priorities, you are consequently dumping him in order to be able to have kids.

Then why are you heartbroken over cutting something lose that's not important to you (= your husband) and thereby opening up options to have the things that are important to you (= kids)?

You should be happy and hopeful

Two people who want different things in life eventually decide to part since they can't reconcile; it doesn't mean either of them don't hurt.

It doesn't mean one isn't important to the other. Why is that so hard to understand ??
You might as well say he's dumping her cos he wants a child-free life

Terodil

bluewolf wrote: »

It doesn't mean one isn't important to the other. Why is that so hard to understand ??

No, but clearly one wish (= to have kids) is *more* important than the other (= to be together with her partner of 12 years).

The OP specifically stated that she sees no happiness down the line if she stays with her husband. Since she does see happiness with kids, the very logical conclusion is to break up, and she's doing just that.

Being happy is much better than being unhappy, so I do not quite understand why she's hurting. She's choosing to live her life according to her wishes.

Terodil

Terodil wrote: »

No, but clearly one wish (= to have kids) is *more* important than the other (= to be together with her partner of 12 years).

what you said was:
"Then why are you heartbroken over cutting something lose that's not important to you (= your husband) "
which is a sight different to "less important".

Being happy is much better than being unhappy, so I do not quite understand why she's hurting. She's choosing to live her life according to her wishes.

You spend 12 years in a relationship then tell me you're delighted to leave...

ManOfMystery

Terodil wrote: »

No, but clearly one wish (= to have kids) is *more* important than the other (= to be together with her partner of 12 years).

The OP specifically stated that she sees no happiness down the line if she stays with her husband. Since she does see happiness with kids, the very logical conclusion is to break up, and she's doing just that.

Being happy is much better than being unhappy, so I do not quite understand why she's hurting. She's choosing to live her life according to her wishes.

That's a very analytical way of looking at it. What about the love she has for her husband now? What about good times they had together and the subsequent sentimentality? I think you're expecting a bit too much that she should instantly be happy because she's making a difficult decision now (one of the most difficult decision for an adult to make, incidentally) and down the line she may have kids and end up happier. OP is not a robot.

Terodil

bluewolf wrote: »

what you said was:
"Then why are you heartbroken over cutting something lose that's not important to you (= your husband) "
which is a sight different to "less important".

Agreed, and I'll admit my initial phrasing was incorrect, but as a mathematician with experience in utility functions you know that this is semantics it doesn't change the important relative worth of both alternatives.

bluewolf wrote: »

You spend 12 years in a relationship then tell me you're delighted to leave...

Well, if one option is better than the other and she chooses to take the better one it's hardly reasonable to be sad about it.

token56

Terodil wrote: »

I don't quite understand this.

You value kids more than the relationship with your husband. Since he doesn't accommodate your priorities, you are consequently dumping him in order to be able to have kids.

Then why are you heartbroken over cutting something lose that's not important to you (= your husband) and thereby opening up options to have the things that are important to you (= kids)?

You should be happy and hopeful

I think you're being a bit too black and white here. First off it seems this is a mutual decision, they both want different things in life and its something which is very important to both parties so to says its one person dumping the other is a bit naive.

Its also pretty unfair to say that her husband is not important to her. She clearly wouldn't be heart broken if this is not the case. They have had a difference of opinion on a major issue effecting the rest of their lifes and because of this feel the relationship wont work in the long run, which is completely understandable. This does not mean that they dont still strongly love each other and to say she should be happy and hopeful by leaving her husband who she clearly still loves is a pretty immature attitude imo.

OP, tbh I'm not sure if anybody here can say something which will make you feel better or make it easier for you, but I just want to say I hope you get back on your feet soon and it all works out for you.

Peggypeg

Hey OP, that is just awful, I'm really sad for you, I wouldn't bother answering the previous posts, there's no point explaining if they don't understand why you'd be upset.

I've never been married or seperated so I'm not speaking from experience but I'd say best advice is: Eat loads of chocolate, spoil yourself, then when you've pampered yourself for a while get out there and have some fun, join new clubs etc, throw yourself into socialising (if that's what you enjoy) and try to keep your mind off it for the first while, the pain will ease over time. It's good that you didn't "settle" for not having children, that's the type of thing people really come to be bitter and regretful over. Big BIG BIG hugs to you.

ash23

This is a horrific choice to have to make. One I made myself a few years ago. Don't underestimate how difficult it is.

I had one child in my teens and met a man who I was with for 8 years. More children were ALWAYS part of my agenda. I had made it clear from the start. When we got to our mid 20s I began to feel the desire to have more.
In the years that had passed between us meeting and me feeling ready for more children, my OH had decided children weren't part of his plan.

I was devestated. The desire to pro create is a strong one.
We went to counselling in order to reach a compromise only to be told this is something that cannot be compromised. You can't have half a child.

I made the mistake of allowing myself to believe that he would change his mind so I stayed. We were young and I felt we had time and that as he got older it would change. But the anger I felt at him denying me my need was unreal. I couldn't understand how he had raised my daughter with me from an infant and could look at her and say "no ta, not for me".

It caused untold fights and arguments and we eventually split up.
It was hard but we were on two different paths.
That realisation is hard to deal with. You think you have someone you will be with forever and then you realise that staying with them means you will never feel complete.


OP, it is tough but you are right, you will never be happy with him.

It is very hard. It's been a year since me and my ex split. It was very difficult.
But he is with someone now who wants what he wants which is a fun and easy going life.
I am still single but at least there is now the chance that I will meet someone who wants what I want.

Best of luck.

LegacyUser

Hi OP, you've made a very difficult and brave thing and I think you know you have also done the right thing.

I walked out on a five year relationship with a man I loved because of the kids issue.

Now I'm in another relationship and facing ivf. Its a tough life!

But I don't regret my decision, even if we can't have kids I can still say that I followed my dream of a family.

The break up part isn't fun either. But twelve years is a very long time. You are entering a new world, so you're going to do alot of learning and growing in the next year and when you get on your feet again you will probably have alot of fun. Don't put yourself under alot of pressure to find the father of your kids so you can justify what you've lost to yourself. Take your time, book some interesting holidays and rediscover yourself.

ladygirl

Hi Op,, im really really sorry for what your going through,, if it counts for anything i think your doing the right thing,, you were always under the belief that some day you would start a family and i can only imagine what a shock this came as when you found out he had a different agenda,, I really think he should have made you aware of this sooner - my friend is with her current partner 5 years and has always been open about not wanting children,,, maybe he thought that time would change his mind on the matter,, anyhow best of luck to you through this hard time,, but having children is defn not something i would be willing to be denied either, i think i would become bitter and resentful if this happened,,,,

best of luck op
xxx

nesbitt

PinkPigs I am now separated a year.

For your emotional health you have got to now use your support system, family and trusted friends. Talk to your nearest and dearest and problem solve. They will know you both and can advise on your particular set of emotional issues.

For your financial health you have got to now use a solicitor. You state you are at the 'who stays and who goes' bit. Please go along and get legal advice as to the whys and the wherefores of separation and divorce. Please do not make ANY decisions before getting professional advice. You would be amazed how people can behave during this time and can be very grabby indeed. Be fair and clear about financial decisions.

Try to have an 'amicable' separation as far as possible, ie act in an imformed and dignified manner. Do not get involved in heated debates/decisions and weigh well all decisions made during this time.

Moving on in life is challenging so as I said lean on your support system.

AMK

Your husband is a lucky man to have such a considerate wife. You could have become pregnant before without any talking about it.

He may live to regret this. And with due respect to the man, it's really unfair to 'realise' you don't want children five years into a marriage. I felt furious reading your post. You must have felt really shocked and let-down.

In order to stay with him, you must sacrifice your chance of motherhood. That wasn't what you bought into. He's moved the goalposts. It's a very selfish thing to do and he had no business not having his thoughts on parenthood well sorted before he entered into the marriage in the first place.

You know you have made the right decision for yourself. It hurts now but it would hurt more in the long-term if this wasn't sorted out.

Get a good solicitor, treat yourself - new clothes, make-up etc. may sound superficial but the feel good factor can't be denied. Perhaps have a holiday to get away from the whole thing. Talk to your family and friends. Be good to yourself. You've made your decision. Time will heal the heartbreak.

Terodil

AMK wrote: »

Your husband is a lucky man to have such a considerate wife. You could have become pregnant before without any talking about it.

What kind of argument is that?

X is so lucky to have Y because Y could have done an immoral thing? The absence of immoral behaviour is nothing you should have to feel lucky for, it's decent and implied.

AMK wrote: »

I felt furious reading your post. You must have felt really shocked and let-down. [...] That wasn't what you bought into. He's moved the goalposts. It's a very selfish thing to do and he had no business not having his thoughts on parenthood well sorted before he entered into the marriage in the first place.

'Talking about family' (see OP) =/= committing to kids.

I don't know exactly what happened here, but unless he very clearly stated that yes, he definitely wanted kids with her, there is no moving goalposts.

I get the feeling that you're considering kids to be toys a woman is entitled to have. Not so! Having kids is such a massive change in life that both partners need to take this decision together. Stating your wishes to your partner and expecting him to comply 5 years down the line or else accuse him of moving the goalposts is locking him in, especially if he's the responsible type and takes the duties and responsibilities of having kids seriously. It's no use bringing kids into this world if you aren't prepared to look after them and care for them. Or would you prefer him continuing his job at 120% and then going drinking afterwards, while you sit at home minding the kids all day? Recipe for disaster.

Anyway, sorry for going slightly off-tangent here.

OP: I hope you're making the right decision, but you really seem to have weighed all this in your head. I was serious earlier: I do think you need to take this more to the rational level you took your decision on or you're going to pine on the emotional level for a long time. You want one thing rather than the other, then be happy for going for it and for stopping what you didn't want. I know you're between a rock and a hard place but if you concentrate on the perceived benefits for you it'll be somewhat easier to deal with what you're giving up. The heart is a curious thing, if your head just yells loudly enough, the heart won't take too long to follow (example/helpful link: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Neuro-linguistic_programming).

Virgil°

In answer to your question, there is no sure way to get over a love like this. Its quite likely after such a long time together and the fact that hes really not done anything wrong that you might not ever get over him fully. But it will get better over time.
Unlike terodil i can see why its going to be rough and not a joyous occasion to celebrate.
However that said i've never understood nor do i ever want to understand why people throw away the best thing that might ever happen to them to sate a biological imperitive.Especially in this case. After 12 years together theres clearly something quite special present.
Really do think this through OP. Theres every chance in the world you'll meet a great guy who'll want to have kids with you but equally there are a myriad of other things that could happen. You could settle for a very average relationship by comparison to obtain children, you might not be able to become pregnant at all, your children could end up being right nightmares etc....
Im not trying to scare you here im really not but truly weigh all these possibilities before jumping.
Best of luck.