Trouble with Flat-mates

LegacyUser

I'm just looking for a bit of advice here, hope someone can help me out!

I've just signed into a lease of 10 months with two friends. My name is the only name on the lease, the rest failed to sign beacuse of age and being out of the country.

Just recently, there has been quite a few disagreement between us, basically over silly things such as dishes, housework ect.

I have this thing where I can't stand to see the place in a mess and I would have to clean it immediatly, I can't wait for someone to do them in 15 minutes or anything like that.

My flat-mates have done nothing but give out and have said to me that 'you're going to go home at the weekend and say that we're lazy f*****rs'. This came to me totally out of the blue and has really upset me....

My cleaning is a habit of my depression which I've been going through over the last number of months...which I know is a bit worse than before even though I'm taking my meds.

I can't come out and say to my flat-mates that I've being going through this as it goes back to a really bad childhood and life up to this point which I am still currently trying to sort out....

I am seeking help from professionals but I would like to know how I'm to deal with my flat-mates or friends as this is really upsetting me.

Any help or advice is much appreciated!

LadyMayBelle

Sorry to hear about your situation OP. Part of me says 'welcome to the world of housesharing, it often sucks " but the other part of me sympathises with you....sounds like ye are going to have to come to some sort of compromise here really. How intense is the cleaning? Is it a case of having a to clear away a stray on entering a room or a case of coming in to a kitchen sink full of dishes that have been left overnight (makes me mad that!!!)

Victor

Do I take it that you have all just started college and this is the first time ye are away from home? They need to learn that you are not their Mammy and you need to learn they are not your children.

As the only signature, you are respsonsible for everything. The are effectively sub-letting from you and may not have rights as tenants, but as lodgers. This means you set the house rules.

To be honest, leaving a dirty plate for 15 minutes is not an issue for most people, but it may be very real for you. Together with your professionals, you need to reconcile things so that it doesn't trouble you. Most colleges have some sort of counselling and medical service.

Perhaps a roster of what gets cleaned when might help.

LegacyUser

I'm a third year student, I've shared places before and have had no bother at all. The others are a 4th year and a 1st year....all female

Like I can't have clothes all over the place, dishes not washed or even drip drying over the sink, or the bin not been put out when it's yea over-flowing.

Like I completely understand that I'm not there mother or anything like that, but it seems that they have no respect for anyone else.

Like it's not just them thats living here and what hurt me the most is that I would go about and say that there lazy f****rs!

We have known each other for over ten years and have been good friends, I don't see where all this has come out of and it's really hurting me as for the cleaning rota, with college and that it just wouldn't work because they spend most of there time in the library, while I stay at home!

I hate a messy house but it sounds like you're being unreasonable as well. IMO it's just as bad to be the type of flatmate who nags about washing the dishes while you're still eating your dinner or who can't wait 10 minutes for someone to finish what they're doing. You say your cleaning is a habit of your depression - well, it's unfair to expect other people to conform to your standards. It's one thing if they leave dishes for ages or never do any cleaning, but what's wrong with having dishes drip drying on the sink? You can't expect them to stay at home, ready for the moment their dishes dry so they can put them away in a press. There is nothing worse than feeling like someone is expecting everything to be spotless, especially in a student house. You might think leaving a plate in the sink for 15 minutes is unreasonable, but for most people, it just isn't. The fact they're saying that to you about you thinking they're dirty f**kers means they think you're being unfair and judgemental. From the sound of your post, you'd drive me mental if I had to live with you, and I'm very tidy. Just how bad is the mess? And how do you approach them about it?

mikemac

OP, if you are going to force other people to leave by your expectations you'll only cause stress for yourself.
Your lease is signed to get through this year.

Next year consider a bedsit or small flat for yourself.
It may work out well for you

And if you are paying big money for professional help, go see student services. Might be something there for you.

dirtydress

[quote=[Deleted User];62250265]You can't expect them to stay at home, ready for the moment their dishes dry so they can put them away in a press. There is nothing worse than feeling like someone is expecting everything to be spotless, especially in a student house. [/QUOTE]


This just hit a chord with me. I've lived in a house where someone was like that. I was just going into 2nd year, this was my first rented place outside of campus and I was terrified to leave anything around dirty for fear one of the (older) girls would give out to me. Its no way to live and in hindsight im surprised i lasted the length i did there. Please don't put your friends through this.

On another note I would consider myself quite a tidy person (the above example was someone being extreme!) and I do like dishes to be done fairly soon and the place in general to be tidy. After living with countless others and working myself into a tizzy over stupid things because they seem important at the time ive started to realise that you have to just let people be who they are. I usually did end up doing a lot more of the work than others but I had to just tell myself that its my choice, i like it to be very clean so ill do a bit extra from time to time...as long as the others werent taking the piss then i didnt mind. You have to just let it go and try to realise that its really not the most important thing in the world. Best of luck

LegacyUser

I just like everything neat and tidy. It's not that I'm ever rude about it, I just get up and quietly tidy/wash up.

I've never said anything to them, if I had I would expect some tension here.

I don't expect things to revolve around me or anything like that, for instance I've put out the bins everytime for the last 3/4 weeks and 2 days ago I asked them to do it because I was under pressure with assignments and other college work and this morning I had to turn around and do it myself, like the bin was over flowing two days ago!

As well as that, the bathroom was a complete and utter mess with clothes everywhere and nothing had been cleaned since I had done it a week ago, not even the toilet!

My point is can they not look around and see what has to be done, like there not at home anymore and there mothers aren't there to look after them and that's not my purpose either! Wouldn't things like this not annoy any normal human being.

At the same time, I am fully aware that yes it is a student house and not everything is going to be spotless all the time, but I was taught when I was young that it's common courtsey to clean up after yourself and to leave things tidy for the next person!

I know myself that I do have a problem with keeping things tidy and organised, but for the likes of college I would be lost if I hadn't my work laid out for me and prioritised (spelling).

I don't know now how to approach them in the morning, I do feel in some ways guilty for being tidy, but I only wanted a bit of common courtsey.

Sometimes you just do need to explicitly state what needs to be done. I've lived in houses full of adults with cleaning rotas and people would still need to be reminded from time to time. I would try to bear in mind that peoples' ideas of 'clean' and 'messy' do vary. I just spent a miserable 6 months in Belgium with a flatmate who huffed and puffed if I spilled a drop of water on the floor while washing up or left a glass beside the sink for a few hours. That's just ridiculous and intolerant. Not saying you are like this, but when you say that you say nothing and just get up and clean, that will be interpreted by most people as passive aggressive. You're basically saying they aren't capable of cleaning up, so you're going to do it for them. That makes me feel like sh*t, and probably your flatmates too. That's why they're afraid you'll badmouth them - you DO think they're lazy and have said so on here. Believe me when I say it's a way to make them feel uncomfortable in the house, even if it isn't your intention.

Have you tried having a talk about what you expect as far as cleanliness goes? It would be a good idea to do that, and listen to what they think. Set some guidelines about how long dishes can be in the sink, how often the bathroom is cleaned, etc. They would probably be happier working out some cleaning arrangements than worrying that you think they're dirty and you seething away as you wash up after them. If they fail to stick to a rota or clean to a reasonable level, then you'd be justified in being harsh with them, but right now, it seems a little unfair.

Agent J

Welcome to the world of sharing houses.

It sucks balls at times especially when the responabilty falls on you.

However i have to say reading between the lines i think your percieved standards might be a bit too high. You cant expect everything to be up to your standard. Can't wait 15 mins? That is your problem.

Obsessive cleaning is a symptom of your depression? OCD rather then depression i assume? Sorry to hear that but don't let it be an excuse for you to use to expect the people around you to have adjust to. You'll have to work on that one yourself. If it is an irrational need to clean then perhaps the standards/frequency expected are also irrational

Going around doing it yourself isnt the best course of action either. I've lived with housemates who were too used to mommy cleaning everything and they'll just get used to it.

Have a sit down and ask them what they think about the cleaning situation and listen to their suggestions about it. There has to be give and take.

Worst thing you can do is say nothing and let it simmer.

Victor

troubled12 wrote: »

dishes .. even drip drying over the sink

Realise this is more hygenic than using a cloth to dry them.

Monkey61

I do feel for you OP, but this is the way student housing goes.

Obviously basic hygiene should be attended to ie. No rotting foodstuffs left lying around, no horrible smells, nothing that is attracting insects and nothing close to what you see on "How Clean is your house?", so nothing genuinely disgusting, but otherwise cleanliness is really subjective.

You have said yourself that your obsessive cleaning is part of your depression. I understand that. My depression used to manifest itself like that as well and I have a housemate now that suddenly goes mental about the tiniest thing in the house if she is feeling stressed about work. But you have to understand that that is your problem and you can't expect others to live their lives according to that. If you are getting help, you should know that it is your responsibility to choose to change unreasonable behaviours (not that it is easy I know) rather than make others adapt to suit them.

Also, as the majority are clearly happy with how the house is, it may be slightly unfair to expect them to change their standards to suit you. I think one of the great things about being an adult and moving out of home is that you get to set your own standards for a change and not run around the place worrying about whether all the the dishes are done to your mother's standard or whether you've tidied all the magazines out of the living room. Living to your own rules can be wonderfully relaxing and liberating. As it stands, it does seem like you just aren't suited to your housemates style of living and perhaps you should consider seeking alternative arrangements.

It would be similar to someone quiet and studious moving in with two party animals. It wouldn't be fair to ban parties on weeknights if that is what the majority wanted from their college experience, it would be up to the one person to find somewhere more suitable.

Also...for God's sake get the other names on the lease. The 4th year is obviously old enough. If the 1st year is under 18 then get one of her parents to do it.

LegacyUser

Hi all,

I'm glad to say that we have sat down since and had a talk about the way the flat was being kept.

They agreed with me that they were not doing their adequate share of the cleaning and the house work. We also discussed my issue with cleanliness and I'm going to try my best to back off! As are they with there hurtful comments.

I don't mean any harm by trying to help them out, but in no way do I want to mother anyone, I have enough problems of my own without having to try and do that!

I don't go mental over the tiniest thing, it just builds up and I don't want anyone in the flat to feel pressurised into doing things. Like we are all in college and in general a students last thought should be cleaning...

As for living on my own, it's just not an option financially, like being enitirely honest who here dosen't like their independance???