Body Dismorphic Disorder

LegacyUser

Hi Guys,

I am not looking for any medical advice firstly. I am just looking for some advice on how to overcome my problem. I’ll try to explain this as best I can. Here goes –

I have always been considered very good looking by people I meet. When I’m out in pubs I always get checked out and asked out by men. Walking down the road I’ll often notice guys nudge each other and look my way. My family, friends and boyfriend all tell me I’m beautiful.

So, that probably sounds really vain but I assure you I am far from it. I think I may have BDD because what I see is a different image altogether. I’m also quite obsessive about my looks in that I have little rituals which I follow. I’m gonna come across as a complete nutjob now but I’ll take that risk if it means getting some solid advice!

1) When I’m putting my make up on I always tie a scarf around my head to cover my hair. The reason I do this is that I think my face is so horrible that if I have my hair down too then it’s too much ugliness for me to bear. At least with my hair tied back and covered, when I am finished my make up and I take the scarf off there’s a chance my hair might look good and I won’t feel so bad.
Not sure if that makes sense to anyone, it is pretty crazy! My bf thinks I’m nuts walking around with a scarf on my head..

2) There is only 1 mirror in the house and that’s in the bathroom so my bf can shave etc. Also my friends hated the fact that I had no mirrors at all so I got 1 put up.

3) I’ll often be in the middle of putting on my make up and I’ll have to stop and re-start as my face will be covered in mascara from crying.

4) It’s a daily struggle for me getting pubic transport and having anybody look at me. It makes me feel paranoid that they think I’m hideous.

5) In work when people talk to me I’m convinced they think I’m repulsive and I think my family, friends etc are secretly laughing behind my back.

Does anybody else feel this way? Is this just normal self esteem issues?

Thanks a lot for reading

LegacyUser

Hi OP
I can't offer any advice but just wanted to say recently I have been feeling like you, but not to the same extent. I was recently on hols with 2 friends one which is very pretty and skinny and at times I actually felt like a mutant!!Alot of guys were after her and I started to feel like I was so repulsive compared to her. I really hate my teeth and sometimes think I am actually the ugliest person in the world because of them. I honestly think I am the plainest most ugly person there ever was!! Then other times I think I look well like on a night out. I don't know where these feelings came from as I was ever this insecure. My boyfriend tells me i am beautiful and mostly I believe him but then sometimes I wonder how can he fancy me??
Your feelings do sound very severe though OP, would you consider talking to someone? I presume it's all in our heads??

LegacyUser

HI OP,

Yeah i can relate to you, Girls have been bombarded all their lives with magazines and images of what we should look like, I feel like you at times as well and i think its because deep down there are a few insecurities that come out when you see you reflection it all comes up,

I read in Louise hay's 'you can heal your life' book that the mirror work she did with clients was the hardest subject to talk about, like she would hand them a mirror and they had to look into it and say I love and approve of myself, people would through the mirror across the room because they couldnt look at themselves and say it, it meant that they had self loathing and this is something that we cling to because we dont want to feel the emotion love. Strange that we do this because it seems its easier to be negative about the self than positive.


My advice is to accept yourself, except the little rituals that you do, you could be doing alot worse like not eating or cutting yourself, what your doing is just your way of coping through your emotions, if you accept that this is what you are doing and get some perspective over it you can relax and then try and make a more positive view of yourself.


My self esteem was very low, I used the book i mentioned above and got a little note book and did some of the techniques that she mentioned, so i wrote out I love and approve of myself at different times that i could and i tried to look in the mirror and watch the feelings that came up and wrote them down also, then i had an idea of what i was feeling, I tried not to put any pressure on myself to be different i accepted that i was hiding my emotions but i wanted to change it and then i felt better.

I also had a thing that i did where i pulled at my eyelashes i started doing it when i was 13 and i was so ashamed of it because i couldnt stop, I got hypnotised and i havent done it in a few years now, but it was a nervous thing i was doing but i felt like the biggest freak of nature, that feeling was shame, I had a lot of trauma in my childhood so when i understood that the shame i was feeling was attached to all that shame in my past i understood it and moved on but i was seeing a therapist at the time who guided me out of it.

Try not to worry because your not a nutjob!

XX

LegacyUser

Thank you for your replies.

I get ideas in my head too like, my boyfriend tells me I'm gorgeous but everybodys boyfriend tells them they're gorgeous so it can't always be true! I know I am beauitful in HIS eyes but that doesn't mean i actually am beautiful.

I am slim and I have big boobs so I don't loathe everything about myself but I find looking in the mirror difficult and when people in work talk to me I actually start to get dizzy from the thoughts running through my head, like oh my god they must feel ill looking at me. I am so hideous. I have a few freckles on my cheeks too, just a few scterred across my cheeks and when someone's talking to me they're all I can think about. It's like my freckles become enlarged and are taking over my face! Sounds silly but it's no laughing matter when you can't look at yourself without getting upset.

My bf says to me, so many girls would kill for your body and would kill to be size 8 etc.
Goes to show you that weight isn't everything and being thin doesn't make you happy/confident. In fact I actually think women with some curves and weight are waaaay more attractive then skinny girls.

LegacyUser

Im a guy. Im in my 30s now but when I was 19 for about a year or more I definitely had BDD. I only realised there was a name for it when I saw it on a TV documentary a few years back.
I got obsessed that my nose was huge and I though I was a freak. Then it just dissipated and I never had it since. Now I know its OK, its not on the radar of my worries.As a child I had problems with anxiety and still do. In many ways I think it was an outlet for my anxiety, something specific to blame.
Im with a psychotherapist now. I have to look at myself regularly in the mirror and say "I love exactly the way you are." This is to improve self esteem not because Im worried about how I look. I would recommend you go for counselling or confide in someone you trust. Ive learned one sure thing over the years, sharing a problem at least halves it. Share your fears and anxieties and they become problems to solve not insurmountable permanent disabilities.

Amy33

I can relate to how you feel. I was always happy with how I looked, until an ex told me I was unattractive and didn't have the "wow" factor after we broke up. He critisised my clothes, my hair, my figure, everything. As a result I have stopped socialising completely and often feel like crying when I look in the mirror.

panda100

Op my heart goes out to you so much. It must be so difficult dealing with this. Have you spoken to anyone that you about how you feel?

I think the best thing is to get some help and support. You have to stop listening to those negative voices in your head and start listening to the REAL voices of other people!

Id really suggest getting in touch with Bodywhys. They run support groups for people dealing with BDD. I have heard from lots of people that they really are very helpful.
http://www.bodywhys.ie/

LegacyUser

op my heart goes out to you, i am size 12 with big boobs, am told i have a lovely figure , look gorgeous etc,get all the attention you seem to get, yet i used to feel like you did. dont take offence to this but it does not seem as extreme as your problem,but i defintly had close to what you are experiencing. an ex made me realise that I needed to go and talk to someone. It was a big step, i felt it was slightly ridiculous at the time to have to go to therapy for not 'feeling vain!' but it was surprisingly helpful, it actually stemmed from my past, i was bullied in school, and had been in a manipulative relationship in the past. I now have confidence, not overly or underly but if i talk to colleagues or mates now i dont worry about how i look,or what they are thinking of me. I recommend it. Good luck.

trish990 wrote: »

I can relate to how you feel. I was always happy with how I looked, until an ex told me I was unattractive and didn't have the "wow" factor after we broke up. He critisised my clothes, my hair, my figure, everything. As a result I have stopped socialising completely and often feel like crying when I look in the mirror.

my ex did this to me it is horrible and could destroy any weak person but you have to realise that it was only said in spite because in my case anyway,he knew i had low self esteem(ironically only because I was with him) and was trying to further hurt me. why should a guy that used to be in your life, - that probably forgets he even said this to you- be let have your happiness and confidence?

LegacyUser

Hi OP, I just want to first of all say to you, don't despair too much about how you are feeling. You are not a nutjob, you are not crazy. BDD is a lot more common than most people think. I have suffered with severe BDD for almost 10 years, but am now coping well and not letting it rule my life.
I, just like you, went through the rituals. I would get up two hours early every morning, to make sure full make-up was applied perfectly, hair was styled perfectly, etc. I would not leave the house without make-up on and hence had a very limited social life, at one stage of my life, I did not have a social life because I felt I was too ugly to inflict my disgusting face upon other people. I had to quit my job, much for the same reason, I was too ugly to appear in public.
Unlike you though, I had an obsession with mirrors. I couldn't have enough of them. I would stare for hours in mirrors disecting every flaw ( imagined of course ) on my face. The odd times I would be out in public I would be constantly checking my reflection in shop windows and car mirrors as I walked along the street and then put my hands to my face to hide my ugliness from other people. I couldn't stop plucking, waxing, preening and prodding my face. If I got a spot I would almost be suicidal. I'm not exaggerating. This was my life for years. It got so bad that I developed depression and my friends forced me to see my GP. The result of that doc visit was me attending intensive counselling which lasted 3 years. This is what changed my life. I am now able to lead a relitively normal life, although I am still much more paranoid about my looks than most girls!
I have found from meeting other girls with BDD that funnily enough most sufferers are above average looking girls, infact most are stunningly beautiful. I myself had offers to model but just thought the agents must be crazy or blind. I could never accept I was beautiful.
You are lucky that you heve a boyfriend and I hope he is supporting you through this. I'm sure he is. I could never even talk to men I liked, I was just far too ugly im my mind, even though like posted previously, I had tons of male attention. The more male attention I got the uglier I thought I was.
I urge you to talk to you're GP about having some counselling. It really gets you to get all your negative thoughts out. Also, as a previous poster said, Bodywhys is a fab organisation. Can I recommend a book called The Broken Mirror by Katharine A. Phillips, it truely is a wonderfull read for anyone with BDD. You will feel it was written for you alone!
I wish you all the best and want you to know that this can be beaten. I'm proof of that!

panda100

Scarlett1983 wrote: »

I, just like you, went through the rituals. I would get up two hours early every morning, to make sure full make-up was applied perfectly, hair was styled perfectly, etc. I would not leave the house without make-up on and hence had a very limited social life, at one stage of my life, I did not have a social life because I felt I was too ugly to inflict my disgusting face upon other people. I had to quit my job, much for the same reason, I was too ugly to appear in public.

You know it annoys me when people laugh at girls who wear lots of make up and spend ages getting ready before they leave the house. I used to cover myself in fake tan all the time cos I hated my pale skin so much. I know others must have laughed and called me an ommpa loompa but I couldn't walk out of the house in my natural pale and pasty colouring. It became an obsession with me.
It does really affect your life and is so difficult to get rid of negative thoughts about how you look. I have been batteling them for years. but I agree with you that counselling or some sort of cognitive behavioural therapy really works.

Scarlett1983 wrote: »

I urge you to talk to you're GP about having some counselling. It really gets you to get all your negative thoughts out. Also, as a previous poster said, Bodywhys is a fab organisation. Can I recommend a book called The Broken Mirror by Katharine A. Phillips, it truely is a wonderfull read for anyone with BDD. You will feel it was written for you alone!
I wish you all the best and want you to know that this can be beaten. I'm proof of that!

Great advice Scarlett,must check out that book.Its reassuring knowing that their are other Irish girls out there going through the same things

Eve_Dublin

I´m shocked reading these posts. I, like most women, go through phases of feeling unattractive but this is not my default outlook on myself. I´m lucky that I generally feel good about how I look and I´m far from perfect. I suppose I´ve learned to block out people´s negative opinion´s and I never doubted someone when they told me I looked good otherwise why would they say it? What ulterior motive could they possibly have (unless it´s some sleazy guy in a club)?

OP I´m really sorry you feel so bad about yourself. It´s very sad and it must be awful for you to be so consumed by those thoughts. How you see yourself is ruining your life by the sounds of it and you need to get help, like the previous poster recommended as I don´t think it´ll go away by itself. It doesn´t matter how many times people tell you you´re attractive, if you don´t believe it yourself and you don´t know how to go about changing this, then you need external help.

Best of luck and for what it´s worth, people who know you aren´t judging on just looks alone. You´re boyfriend clearly loves you and loves the person you are as so your friends and family, which makes you 100 times more attractive than everybody else in their eyes.

104494431

It's BID, Body Image Dismorphia.

It used to affect me for a long time, I started to take control of how I looked and increased my self esteem by working hard at gaining skills that I valued as part of my personality and persona. The more I found myself in social situation, the more I realised I was actually a a decent person and that people liked me.

My advice is to start slow, look at the things that bother you, write them down and then suggest to yourself ways to change each of them, if it's a weight or fitness thing, then work out/play sports/analyse your diet. If it's your hair then maybe go out and get your hair done professionally and see how you think it looks. People react positively to people who are positive, if you feel good about yourself people notice and reciprocate.

Best of luck

LegacyUser

Same problem here too. I'd get up early so I have enough time before I need to be anywhere to put on make-up and fix hair. I try not to let anyone see me without make-up. I had to go out to the doctors a few months ago in a hurry and i had a huge cut on the side of my mouth. Didn't have enough time either to fix my face, I couldn't stop crying and shaking, just felt hideous.
And I have an obsession with mirrors, don't like any make-up to be out of place (the mask to slip). Carry one in my pocket the whole time. I realise it's not normal and I probably should talk to someone. I have to say I've improved a bit since the doctor's visit, forcing myself out into a situation like that did help.

LegacyUser

trish990 wrote: »

I can relate to how you feel. I was always happy with how I looked, until an ex told me I was unattractive and didn't have the "wow" factor after we broke up. He critisised my clothes, my hair, my figure, everything. As a result I have stopped socialising completely and often feel like crying when I look in the mirror.

Your ex told you that you're unattractive because he didn't want to see you feeling good about yourself. He's toxic and you're very lucky he's not in your life anymore.
Get out and meet a man who's mature enough to know how to treat a lady.