Marriage over - don't think I can take him back

theresadee

Hi,

Had a huge fight with OH yesterday morning, kids down stair's listening to madness. During very heated arguement/fight I told him to pack & him saying he was going, & so he did. Packed suit case put it 2 the back of the car & as I drove off to bring kids to school so did he.

History behing this is that every morning Im up & geting 3 kids ready for school & me ready for work while he's in bed snoring off the cans he drank the night before. Im sick to death of looking at him 5 nights a week drinking, staying up until it suits him and sleeping in every morning. He wont give up the cans I'v argued fought begged everthing but nothing changes.

I just flipped yester morning I have enough. He is a good dad to the kids and is will do anything around the house, do dinner etc He works 2-3 nights and these are the only nights he does'nt drink.

About 4 years ago while I was pregnant he meet someone while working for a while and had sex with them to say it shattered my world is something else. I threw him out there and then but we eventualy built back up the relationshipwith his family encouraging it and got back together again after 6 months. He promised everything would change and it did for a while.

I knew when the kids started back to school that this would happen so I prepared myself to be getting up early and dealing with the usual routine of geting ready for school etc My oldest 2 are in secondary & youngest in preshool, so mainly its the youngest that needs all the help. We all head off and I do the drops and go to work. I collect ds at 1 and bring home to dad to mind amd I go back to work.

He is staying with friends or family and I think I realy cant take him back he was driving me insane, I was geting so angry and frustrated that I felt I was turning in to a monster/nag etc I felt like I could actually physicialy hurt him.

God this is hard, we have been together for over 15 years & he has more or less allways been like this except for the first 10 yrs when he would have to get up for work in the mornings.

There were times over the last 3 years that I thought to myself why did I ever leave him back. I always thought I would never get him out now that he was back, so I am shocked that he has gone.

Do I now just face up to single parent life, be brave and strong for my kids? Yes I think I should I dont want my dd thinking that this behaviour is to be accepted or ds's to think this is how they can behave. Its just so hard cause I know he will come back pleading (maybe not he might be sick of listening to me) financially this will be very hard for both of us. Emotionaly its very hard for the kids as they love him to bits and are used to having him around all week, but the older 2 are well aware of what he is like too and are sick of listening to me going on about it.

I could write a book so ill stop now .. dont kow what im asking here but when I read back over it I feel I know the answer in my head

thanks

AMK

If he only left yesterday morning, it's far too soon to be able to make decisions. You are probably still feeling really angry.

You need to consider the implications of ending your marriage in a calm manner and you need to know in your heart and soul that there's no going back for you. The best way to do that is by giving yourself some time. I would suggest letting him be and if he contacts you telling him you need some time and ask him to continue to stay with his friends/family for a while. I know it's difficult with children but it might be best if you could avoid seeing him for a while. As you are so angry and frustrated with the whole thing, a bit of time will help you get a calmer perspective.

Do you think he is an alcoholic? If he is good around the house and good with the kids, he is functioning on some levels even if he is. Do you think he thinks his drinking is fine or is he aware that he is drinking to excess? Is there anything there to work on or do you feel it's pointless at this stage? Do you love him? These are just suggestions - you know yourself the key issues you need to think about. If you think about them calmly and in a balanced manner, you may find you are prepared to give it another go. You may find you're not. But either way you will have made a rational, well-thought out decision.

Separation is hard going even when you are absolutely certain you made the correct decision. I speak from experience. Be sure in your own mind before you decide what to do.

finbarrk

Seperation is hard but at the same time if there is no love there it's difficult for you to keep living with him. The situation was putting major mental pressure on you. Take a few weeks without him anyway and see how things go.

Beruthiel

theresadee wrote: »

when I read back over it I feel I know the answer in my head

Sounds like you're on your last nerve.

Yes, he's a lazy fuker for not getting up to help you with the kids. They are his too and in a partnership you have got to pull together if the family unit is going to work.
He does not seem to understand this. Or at least, it is not as important as drinking so much every night that he is unable to get up due to a hangover.

I presume if this has been going on for years then you've lost all love for him?
Were he to change his ways, do you still care enough to have him back?
If he asks to come back and you are up for it, then a professional should be suggested and ye should go see one together until he realises how much he has dropped the ball on your marriage.

Whatever you decide, it will be difficult.
Best of luck.

theresadee

Thanks for the replies.

I was very angry the time of the argument, I hate when Im like this, its not good for the kids or me. Im not sure what im feeling at the moment my head was wrecked today.
My dd has been txtin him & he told her that he was looking for his own place. He thinks his drinking is ok and has told a few times that he enjoys his cans so he is not giving them up. Ya he has been doing this for years I just feel that if he not willing to put us first then I have to do what I feel is best for kids and me. I dont want to be the type of screaming cross angry mother im turning into. Maybe he is sick of listening to me going on at him. I think i will always love him (we have been together since teen's) but I hate him so much at times like this. Loving someone and beening in love with someone is different I think. He promised me the last time we separated that things would be different but over time old habits sink back in. He could swear to me again that things would change and he probably would mean it but i know it would eventualy go back to the same old same.

Im in my mid thirties I dont want to spend the next ten yrs looking at some one drinking and sleeping in every day and then realise that I have wasted so much of my life been angry at someone that has no intention of changing. I love going out and having fun & a few drinks would'nt be bothered at home unless I had company so I dont understand the attraction? Maybe him taking the action of looking for his own place is his decission made.

He is selfish I remember when I was pregnant & had morning sickness & trying to get the kids ready for school he would be in bed, he also started seeing some one when I was nearly due the baby. Then when we were on holidays last year with his family he was out chatting in the smoking area with some girls and I was there and his sister was telling him come on in, i left him to it not thinking to much of it and low and behold he walks down through the bar holding this ones hand. I left and went back to where we were staying he reckoned next day that he just about remembered it and he was only fooling and being friendly.. I dont think I have realy forgiven him for either incidents and feel he realy has'nt made the effort to make things right.

Im rambling again....

I am left with the financial responsibilities, the kids welfare through all this, childcare issues so it is going to be tough for the next few weeks at least. Think I will talk to someone in the next week or two when I feel able.

I usually think so far ahead, but im going to try and take it day by day if I can!

Thanks again

Nevyn

Have you considered going to al anon meetings for some support?
There is also Al Teen for the kids.

cosmogirl85

Wow Theresa, you have a lot on your plate! All I can hope is that it works out for you either way chick! You will make the right decision in the end.

CDfm

Have you considered going to an information programme with him on alcohol. There is one available in Stanhope St that is an hour or 2 a week for a month.



01 - 677 3965 / 677 9447




http://www.stanhopeservice.com

Splendour

CDfm wrote: »

Have you considered going to an information programme with him on alcohol. There is one available in Stanhope St that is an hour or 2 a week for a month.



01 - 677 3965 / 677 9447




http://www.stanhopeservice.com

Great idea-if he'd go, but from sounds of it, I don't think he will...

CDfm

Splendour wrote: »

Great idea-if he'd go, but from sounds of it, I don't think he will...

He may if its an educational programme which it is.

jmbkay

Hi Teresa, you really are going through a rough time, be good to yourself. It seems to me, and perhaps I'm wrong, that you have been angry with him for a very long time. The drinking, laziness and selfishness are bothering you but is it the infidelity that is really the problem? Best of luck with whatever decisions you make.

LegacyUser

hi theresa , i am in a similar situation except my marriage is an 18 yr one , i have 3 smalls under ten , and for all intents and purposes i have raised them single handedly , to make matters worse ...we share a business , which means its incredibly difficult , i have been bullied and mentally tortured for years by my husband , who is a selfish egotistical narsissistic man , i also suspect he is gay , yet i am a total bitch for wanting to be free of him and his torture , i too kicked him out , but had to take him back as he took my son away to another country , my son is a twin , he left the girl with me , they were only babies when that occured , eventually he asked me if i wanted my son back ...which of course i did, and he agreed to return him , only if i would take him back too, and then proceeded to tell everyone that i asked him back ......that was 7 years ago , i am now at the end of my tether , and cant stand it anymore , my kids and i are unhappy, but i made a decision to go it alone , you will too , dont let him threaten you or change your mind , my husband is a two faced bastard , dont let it go on any longer . free yourself , your kids will understand eventually . best of luck x

AMK

Hi again OP. Read you're other posts. You're not rambling, just filling in the picture and letting off steam.

I really sympathise with how you feel and can identify with it. For several years before my marriage ended, I really felt like my ds and I were way down on the list of my husbands priorities. Going to the pub with his friends was priority number one. Like you, I felt myself turning into an angry person, which I'm not by nature, and I hated what the whole thing was doing to me.

After years of feeling angry, frustrated and confused I got to the point where I accepted the way he was. I just gave up on the relationship but wasn't prepared to end the marriage because, having been a single parent for years, I wanted my youngest ds to grow up in a 'proper' family. I thought it would give the stability my eldest ds didn't have.

My husband just stayed in the house. He didn't live there in the real sense of the word. He was just there some of the time, a large presence that my youngest son and I moved around. Through his own behaviour, he stopped being an important part of our lives and became something we worked around while our 'real' lives and his 'real' life carried on with no real interaction between them. I often thought of the 'elephant in the room' comparison people make about dysfunctional family members. For various reasons, I eventually changed my mind about continuing in the marriage and brought it to an end. When I ended it, I wasn't angry. The emotion required for anger towards him had died years before and I simply didn't care. I wouldn't have wasted my energy on being angry with him.

You are angry and that means you still care. But his actions aren't the actions of a man who is emotionally involved with his wife and family. He is behaving like somebody who is sexually available. He has separated himself from family life and is leaving the bulk of the responsibility for keeping the family going to you. And now he says he is looking for a place of his own. I know my views are coloured by my own experience, but it sounds like his committment to you and his family disappeared a long time ago but he was too indolent to do anything about it. The fight has triggered him to go the way he wanted to go. He was just too lazy to instigate things himself.

It took me quite a while to get over the fact that when I told my husband our marriage was over he just said OK. He didn't ask me to change my mind, he didn't say I was wrong. He didn't care enough to fight for it. I knew he didn't care and I knew he didn't love me and as I said before, I didn't care anymore myself either although I did still think I loved him. But even though I didn't care, it still hurt that he was prepared to give up, not me particularly, but 'us', the family, so easily. I think that he would never have triggered the separation himself, but he created the conditions where it was inevitable and it sounds to me like your husband has done the same thing.

I said before that you need to give yourself time. But from reading your other posts I also think you need to find somebody to talk to about this - as his drinking is a significant issue Al Anon could be the right place, as somebody else suggested.

You are right to think forward to the next ten years. Apart from not wanting to spend them like this, you won't be able to continue to live like this indefinitely. If you carry on like this, you will end up like I did, just not caring. Before you get to that point, you will have nearly destroyed yourself with anger and frustration.

When I told my sister my marriage was over and explained to her the way things had been, I said to her 'I do still love him in a way'. There was dead silence for a minute and then she said 'But do you really? How could you love somebody who treats you like that'? She really stopped me in my tracks. When I thought about it, I realised that I was convincing myself I still loved him in order to keep some self-respect for allowing him to behave towards me the way he did. Once I copped onto this, I realised I didn't really love him at all.