Forbidden love

saywhatyouwish

My boyfriend and I were together for quite a while up until two months ago when distance caused problems between us. We both got used to not being around eachother again, I worked all the time and he lived far away so we hardly ever saw eachother...rather than distance makes the heart grow fonder it went to out of sight out of mind... We broke up and decided to stay friends which worked for the a little less than two months but we are both back at college now and we see each other a lot, recently he told me he still loves me and wants to get back together however things are not as easy as that. My family and friends do not approve of him at all, he was my first serious relationship so its hard to let go of my feelings for him. I know I can't tell my family if I decide to be with him and my friends will be less than pleased...I'm finding it hard to make a definite decision when I know so many are against the idea. I would love for it to not effect me but it does. I would like neutral opinions because I cannot ask my friends or family. I want to be with him but It would be so difficult as well as having to lie about it.

fuzzywiggle

I think you have to do what makes you happy. It's your life not theirs and they can like it or lump it.

Moomoo1

if you love him, go for it: what do you have to lose?

Terodil

I agree.

Unless your relatives/friends have concrete reasons for why you shouldn't be together, I would tell them to f* off. It's your life.

LegacyUser

Why do friends and family disapprove?

Family can sometimes have very superficial reasons for disapproving (wrong job, etc)

But friends tend to disapprove less. I know that a friend of mine is mad about a bloke. But I know he's completely wrong for her and they would both be better off single! But I'd only raise it with her in a delicate way.

Basically, why do they disapprove? Does he treat you badly? Maybe you're just afraid of being single? Are you just hanging onto him? Why yhe disapproval from friends?

saywhatyouwish

my family disapprove for superficial reasons, we come from very different backgrounds and he's not good enough in their eyes.
I should have said not all of my friends disapprove, the ones (guys) who do have questionable motives... those who don't are very different people, different styles etc. My ex/bf has his own group of friends whom I get on very well with, I have my own group who I get on with but my ex/bf is not as social as I am so he doesnt mix as well...its something some people dont mind and others do. Time spent with him and his friends is time taken from mine...They don't mix well together so thats the way it had to be. I won't make him out to be a saint, he obviously has flaws like everyone else.
Being honest I'm more worried about my familys disapproval than my friends, as cén fáth? said above friends do not judge as much and they would be more understanding.

CDfm

OP is there a part of you that wants to go out with the guy because he isn't approved of?

saywhatyouwish

I thought someone might ask that lol no I wouldn't go out with someone just to rebel against my family. I didnt know anything about his past before we started dating, it wasn't disapproval that attracted me. Disapproval is whats stopping me...

aidan24326

saywhatyouwish wrote: »

I thought someone might ask that lol no I wouldn't go out with someone just to rebel against my family. I didnt know anything about his past before we started dating, it wasn't disapproval that attracted me. Disapproval is whats stopping me...

If your family (I'm guessing it's parents mainly) disapprove for superficial reasons then fcuk them. It's your life and you can't allow overbearing parents to dictate your choices. In this case they don't really have your happiness and best interests at heart anyway, it's more their own need to keep up appearances. So if they really don't have good reasons for disapproving (i.e he's a decent guy who treats you well regardless of his background) then their disapproval is more their problem than yours tbh.

CDfm

saywhatyouwish wrote: »

I thought someone might ask that lol no I wouldn't go out with someone just to rebel against my family. I didnt know anything about his past before we started dating, it wasn't disapproval that attracted me. Disapproval is whats stopping me...

OK if I was your dad - put down the positives?

Taltos

saywhatyouwish wrote: »

until two months ago when distance caused problems between us. We both got used to not being around eachother again....
We broke up and decided to stay friends which worked for the a little less than two months but we are both back at college now and we see each other a lot

See to me this is a clear one of just falling into old habits.
So NO I do not think you should get back together.
If being apart caused you to split up why bother staying together - you were only apart for 2 mts - seriously that is not long enough to catch a sneeze let alone fall out of love.

Personally I see this as just a relationship of convenience at least for one of you. If you both really loved each other then efforts would have been seriously made to stay together or to catch up. But if you just were not really bothered and split up - then why waste your time and get back together.

Maybe he just cares about you more; maybe a small part of you enjoys the danger of being in an ill-approved relationship. Who knows. I would suggest though that either way this one is just not going anywhere...

Moomoo1

I don't think you can just write it off just because it broke down because of distance: people have different temperaments. What I am more worried about is that the OP never mentioned the word love. Are you in love, OP?

I'd still give it a shot: you never know what might happen...

EDIT as for parents, often if you are tough with them and say 'sorry, but this is what I want', they will back down and fall in line. You are their child after all, and most parents do love their children.

CDfm

Well Moomoo - I am a parent and I don't back down and get into line.I am more likely to invite the guy or girl for lunch or dinner and judge them on their own merits.

The OP has posted that her family and friends have objections to the guy.

For the OP it would be a worthwhile exercise to put down his plus points and the objections of others and see if these objections have any validity.

So say boyfriend is a mature student aged 57 on prison day release to attend a college course after being convicted of drug dealing- I wouldnt be that impressed.

OP - the only thing that you have come up with so far is that he moves in a different social group to your friends and doesn't mix well and thats hardly terminal. After a few weeks the social group wont miss you so its not a valid objection.Will you miss your friends?? However, if he was isolating you purposefully and doing drugs or being violent that would be valid.

Oh The Humanity

OP, when you two were separating or breaking up did you do a bit of b1tching to your friends and family about him?

Just wondering if this is why they are opposed?

You say the F&F disapprove because you two are from 'different backgrounds' and 'he is not good enough in their eyes' -do you mean different classes as in he is working class and you are middle class or somthing?

IF that's the case, then screw your friends.....that is not a good/valid reason for you two not to be together.

Good reasons not to be together are things like, maltreatment, neglect, abuse, cheating, gambling/drinking/drug problems, is married -sh1t like that....

If its a case your F&F just dont like him because he's called JohnPaul and not Horatio .......really its not important.

saywhatyouwish

Yes I do still love him...i see him almost every day which is hard. In between lectures we hang out as we're in the same place and there is no awkwardness...on a night out with my friends we ended up in the same place and It was like we never broke up, flirting, dancing etc. He told me his friends didnt take him seriously when he told them we broke up and said they thought it wouldnt be long before we'd be back together.
To answer the reason why my parents don't like him is because he is from a different class, a very different family. They are nice people as I've met them plenty of times but my family can be snobs in this area.
CDfm, my parents are not the type to do that, once I told them about his family they told me to leave it as long as possible before introducing him. They had their minds made up before meeting him. They were also trying to convince me I wanted to break up with him all summer over stupid things like appearance.
He's not out of jail, abusive or dealing in drugs etc. lol just so you don't think its for any of those reasons.
He is a year younger than me age wise but the same year in college which makes him more immature than I am.
At the moment I've decided to give it time as we obviously still have feelings for eachother when we are together, I don't want to rush into it. I spoke to two of my friends and I miss judged them, they do not have a problem with it they are just of the mind set people break up for a reason and maybe theres a reason for it...time will tell. I want us both to be sure before anything more. Thank you for your point of views, they've really helped

Moomoo1

in that case, what are you waiting for? Waiting won't really accomplish much: if you know in your mind that you still love him you should get back together now.

hollis12

saywhatyouwish wrote: »

My boyfriend and I were together for quite a while up until two months ago when distance caused problems between us. We both got used to not being around eachother again, I worked all the time and he lived far away so we hardly ever saw eachother...rather than distance makes the heart grow fonder it went to out of sight out of mind... We broke up and decided to stay friends which worked for the a little less than two months but we are both back at college now and we see each other a lot, recently he told me he still loves me and wants to get back together however things are not as easy as that. My family and friends do not approve of him at all, he was my first serious relationship so its hard to let go of my feelings for him. I know I can't tell my family if I decide to be with him and my friends will be less than pleased...I'm finding it hard to make a definite decision when I know so many are against the idea. I would love for it to not effect me but it does. I would like neutral opinions because I cannot ask my friends or family. I want to be with him but It would be so difficult as well as having to lie about it.

you love him your family and friends dont "aprove" well with all respect **** them their not really that supportive if their standing in the way of the one you love!

lolli

Op,

I would say if this guy is good to you and treats you well then go for it. Its not right that your family are judging him on his social status. I think you should sit them down and tell them how much he means to you and hopefully some day they will accept him. I certainly wouldn't pass up an opportunity of love just because your family say so. You need to live your own life.

G-Money

Well as you probably already know, this really is your decision. I put the word 'your' in bold to emphasize that it's your decision, no-one else's. It's your life, not your family's or friends. I can understand why your friends and family would be disapproving if this guy was treating you badly or was a scumbag or criminal or something. In fact I'd say you'd be wise to listen to them in that case.

However if it's just the case of some sort of snobbery or thinking they're better than him then you need to try and not let that get to you.

I know from my own experience, my family's views on certain things have impacted my own views. For example I reckon my parents would be very disapproving if I started seeing a single mother. This has definitely had an impact on me to the point where I don't even consider the option. Rightly or wrongly, but that's the way it is. Anyway I don't want to get into a whole discussion about whether I should date single mothers, but I'm just showing an example of how other's thoughts impact my own.

I guess it's also worth considering that you may be looking back at your relationship with this guy through rose tinted glasses. It's very easy to look back to different things and forget the bad stuff and focus on the good stuff. I think this is an important thing to consider when it comes to relationships as the last thing you want to do is to ignore the reason you two finished in the first place.

From what I've seen of your post, it looks like it ended previously due to distance and stuff like that so from that point of view, it's probably not the case that you are only focusing on the good things. Now that distance doesn't seem to be a blocking issue, I can see why you'd start to want to try things again.

I guess you need to look at why your friends and family disapprove of this guy. Be honest and try to see if it's because of genuine reasons (he's a scumbag, treated you badly etc). If that's the case then to be honest, you may be setting yourself up for a fall and you'd be as well to avoid him.

If it's just the case that your friends and family have certain opinions formed because of other shallow factors (his job, where he's from etc) rather than on the type of person he is and how he treats you, then you may need to just ignore what they say and follow your heart. All I'd say though is give it some thought and don't ignore what your family and friends are saying just because you don't want it to be true.

I know a guy who's married to a girl and everyone I know, who knows him, thinks he's a complete w*****r. In fact she seems to be the only one who likes him. Having been in his company myself, I don't like him at all so in this case, I think the family and friends are right.

But as I say, try and be objective and see if what they are saying has any real basis. If not, then I guess you could give it another go, but be prepared for your family and friends to expect justification and explanations as to why, even if you don't feel like giving them.

Also think about whether you are going to look back in the future and wonder what might have happened had you not listened to them.

Anyway try and weigh up objectively whether their concerns are warranted and see what you come up with.

All the best.

opinion guy

saywhatyouwish wrote: »

.......To answer the reason why my parents don't like him is because he is from a different class, a very different family. They are nice people as I've met them plenty of times but my family can be snobs in this area.
CDfm, my parents are not the type to do that, once I told them about his family they told me to leave it as long as possible before introducing him. They had their minds made up before meeting him. They were also trying to convince me I wanted to break up with him all summer over stupid things like appearance.......

Aw sweetheart you can't live your life according to your parents stereotypes. For what its worth i think if you both still love each over then screw what anyone else things, if he's a good guy who treats you well and makes you happy then go for it. Don't wait so long he starts to lose hope. And if you guys get back together I'd almost say introduce him to your folks. Its harder to be unjustly mean to someone you know then it is to a stranger

CDfm

saywhatyouwish wrote: »

CDfm, my parents are not the type to do that, once I told them about his family they told me to leave it as long as possible before introducing him. They had their minds made up before meeting him. They were also trying to convince me I wanted to break up with him all summer over stupid things like appearance.
He's not out of jail, abusive or dealing in drugs etc. lol just so you don't think its for any of those reasons.
He is a year younger than me age wise but the same year in college which makes him more immature than I am.

Thats a relief. I like him already- BTW how did he get on in his exams???

muboop1

saywhatyouwish wrote: »

To answer the reason why my parents don't like him is because he is from a different class, a very different family. They are nice people as I've met them plenty of times but my family can be snobs in this area.

Your a girl so i'm going to be sexist for a minute and assume you have seen at least ONE film about a great lad from the wrong side of the tracks who falls in love with a wealthy girl...

The families try to keep them apart, but their love is to strong blah blah blah...

The truth is it ain't all that rosy, and doesn't always work out the way we imagine...

The thing is... it doesn't work in my opinions due to one of the people involved being to weak of character to stand up for someone they love.

Are you that person?

I hope you aren't because you are going to have alot of problems in your life if you are. You say you are in college so i'm assuming you are an adult? Well act like one!

If you want to be with him, damn the world if they disagree! It's your life.

He is a year younger than me age wise but the same year in college which makes him more immature than I am.

Can't resist but... its immature to assume ones age is the only factor contributing to maturity :pac:

At the moment I've decided to give it time as we obviously still have feelings for eachother when we are together, I don't want to rush into it. I spoke to two of my friends and I miss judged them, they do not have a problem with it they are just of the mind set people break up for a reason and maybe theres a reason for it...

Maybe? maybe the reason is so you can stand up for yourself and not take that **** from your parents? Or so you can back down and climb back under your parents thumb and be a "good little girl" again...

Look i don't know if i'm the best to be giving relationship advice...

But parents disapproval due to snobbery is imo a waste of time...
Sounds like they would rather you be with a rich guy who made you unhappy then a poor one who makes you feel great...

People like that don't deserve to have their opinions given any weight.

saywhatyouwish

Trying to be the good little girl is not the problem...it would probably be easier if that were the case. You see i have a part time job which allows me extra money to spend during the week, only €45 though. My parents told me if I get back together with him that i will have to pay my own rent for the room i have in a student house and pay back my registration fee with this job.... with €45 a week?? not possible! We're not dealing with any ordinary parents here...
On a much better note we got back together yesterday
I'm just going to have to face the music at some stage. He knows about my parents which bothers him too, Its not fair on him if I lie about it to them or cover up that we are together.
Any advice? thanks again everyone for your help

CDfm

I dont know if your parents can do this but if I were you I would go and have a talk with the Colleges welfare officer.The question I would ask is about your eligiblity for a grant or a hardship payment if it does happen.

You seem sensible but there is nothing wrong with finding out what help is available should that actually happen.

It seems a fairly big threat if parents are being difficult and the young lad is a student.

I am a parent myself and given the relationship is reasonable that wouldnt be something I would do.

Moomoo1

Then I would just not tell them for as long as you can. And look for alternative sources of money.

Because if they can do this in this case, who's to say they won'g try to influence your life in this way in future?

Firetrap

I hope you're getting back with him for the right reasons.

I'm not a parent myself so I don't have a clue really but I'm thinking of friends who've become infatuated with guys who were clearly unsuitable for them for all sorts of reasons. Social class never came into it. Are you sure that social class is the only reason your family disapproved? Be honest with yourself.

Beyond that, there's nothing your family and friends can do to you. You're an adult and you're entitled to see who you want.

Sephiroth_dude

fuzzywiggle wrote: »

I think you have to do what makes you happy. It's your life not theirs and they can like it or lump it.

This is good advice take it,if they dont like it thats there problem.