Being close friends with someone you're in love with

LegacyUser

Hey everyone,

Would really appreciate some opinions here. Basically the title says it all. I was seeing a girl for a short couple of months who I am absolutely flat out crazy about. The thing is, unfortunately she doesn't feel the same way at all and has no interest in making any kind of a relationship out of it. We have known each other for about six or seven months and over the past three or four months, including the time we were 'seeing each other' we became really good friends on top of everything else. In the last three or four months I can honestly say there has been about only four or five days where we would have went without talking on the phone. This has brought me to the point at which I can't bear the thoughts of not talking to her or being around her simply because I care about her so much, yet the thoughts of seeing her with other guys makes me feel crap. I don't know is that weird or not. There is nothing I wouldn't do for the girl and I think about her all throughout the day. One of my closest (male) friends is telling me I should distance myself from her as the situation as it stands is not good for me.

I'd really appreciate any advice/comments anyone has on this situation! Thanks.

Wibbs

I agree with your mate TBH. Why put yourself through that emotional torture? I could never understand that, though I consider myself lucky being built that way as I've seen too many men and women I've known have their heads wrecked over this kinda thing.

Now doubtless you'll get some very good intentioned advice about being there for her as a friend and your feelings should diminish in time. Again I would be against that notion. IMHO when you do that you're not being noble, I think you're teaching yourself to accept second best in a way. You're saying anothers feelings are majorly more important than yours. You're saying you accept a downgrade and actually go along with that. Slippery slope self esteem wise I reckon. Sod noble I say. Life is too short to waste time and emotional energy on someone that doesn't feel the same way.

This is nothing against her BTW. She could be the most wonderful woman on earth(and you think so), but she doesn't feel it for you. And that's fine though a pain for you. Being her "friend" will not be healthy for her either. How can you be her mate if you harbour feelings for her and can't see her with other guys. What if she falls for one of these guys all loved up and lovey dovey? Bad plan.

IMHO distance yourself and fast. Realise that this is an infatuation more than anything at this stage. Nothing wrong with infatuation. It can be very strong as emotions go. Try and meet other women, even if you don't want to at the moment. She will try to resist this. She may even come out with the "maybe in the future" thing to keep you around as naturally she doesn't want to lose you as a friend. As I say I just think you can't have a true friendship until you stop wanting her romantically.

Taltos

Wibbs wrote: »

IMHO distance yourself and fast. ......
She may even come out with the "maybe in the future" thing to keep you around as naturally she doesn't want to lose you as a friend.

+1
The is the best advice you can get - follow it as soon as you can.
It will hurt - but for yourself do this.
Your mate is spot on - why would they lie to you.

LegacyUser

Dude i could have written your post word for word and it would have been true, i am / was in the exact same situation.

Take the advice above for your own sanity....I wish i had done before I caused myself so much hassle and drama...

Thing is i didn't until recently and now after walking away and telling her why, she has come back and says she does want something with me but isn't sure....blah blah, iknow all she wants is a crutch / insurance, someone to give her an ego massage, Not saying she's doing this intentionally but it is what it is...If she did like me why only realise when i cut her off....

Take the advice, and RUN don't even walk away from this....believe me i speak from experience this could end up dragging on for as long as you let it and in the end she is NOT your friend she is the object of your affection but if not recipricated it is of little use to you...

Its time to look out for yourself bud

Wibbs

Good advice from 62232575

I Know.. wrote: »

Thing is i didn't until recently and now after walking away and telling her why, she has come back and says she does want something with me but isn't sure....blah blah, iknow all she wants is a crutch / insurance, someone to give her an ego massage, Not saying she's doing this intentionally but it is what it is...If she did like me why only realise when i cut her off....

This bit is likely to happen as you back away from her. Actually looking back I can't think of a similar situation where it didn't. So be aware you are very likely to get this spiel. How 62232575 sees it is dead on the money too.

I think it's more than the crutch/ego massage too and as he said it's not always intentional. IMHO more women do this and again in my humble I think it's because more women than men dislike cutting social connections and emotional bonds. They tend to place more value on relationships and their part in them in general, even not so healthy ones like this one. I know many more women who have male "friends" who they know fancy them than the other way around. Again IMHO I put more responsibility on the men in this case. The women have actually been very clear about their intentions from the get go. The men just don't see it or don't want to see it so hang around hoping for more. Which is more dishonest?...

opinion guy

I had a post here but it seems to have vanished ?
Maintenance related I guess ?

Anyhow I think ppl given you good advice. BUT I possibly might have an entirely contrasting view depending on 2 things a) what age are you and b) have you had seriously relationships before ?

LegacyUser

Hey all,

OP here. Many thanks for the advice given, really appreciate all the opinions being offered.

To answer opinion_guy's questions; we are both 21, and neither have been in any very serious relationships.

Thanks again!